|
|
Post by healing2k19 on Sept 29, 2019 7:39:28 GMT
Hello,
I am new here and I have been on this page for the past 2 days! I am amazed at the support and sense of community I feel. I am an FA with slightly dismissive tendencies but I am with a DA and I think that has made me a little more anxious. I feel a zillion emotions in a short span. I can go from “I’m ending things right now” - to being smitten as soon as the trigger passes. One thing I have worked on over the years is my communication - and he has to! When you’re FA you usually respond from a very defensive state, and sometimes say things you don’t mean - or have a harsh tone (defense mechanism). I am very aware of this, and a lot less reactive now.
I have two questions for DAs:
1. What are things/affirmations you would yearn to hear from your partner
1. What is the best way for us to express a need?
Do you do well with the “ I feel hurt when you can go days without checking in on me, and I always have to initiate” or is that too much
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Sept 29, 2019 13:35:58 GMT
Hi healing....I don’t think we have any DAs on these forums at the moment.
|
|
|
|
Post by hannah99 on Sept 29, 2019 19:42:08 GMT
Don't know if I'm best placed to answer since ultimately out relationship failed but when we did make progress it was when I focused on I statements...I feel this way...it hurts me when...rather than saying he had done something wrong or putting it on him.
For example, he was a very slow responder to texts. So I'd say 'I feel unsafe when I haven't heard from you all day' or 'I struggle to cope without regular contact.'
|
|
|
|
Post by number9 on Sept 30, 2019 6:03:58 GMT
Hello, I am new here and I have been on this page for the past 2 days! I am amazed at the support and sense of community I feel. I am an FA with slightly dismissive tendencies but I am with a DA and I think that has made me a little more anxious. I feel a zillion emotions in a short span. I can go from “I’m ending things right now” - to being smitten as soon as the trigger passes. One thing I have worked on over the years is my communication - and he has to! When you’re FA you usually respond from a very defensive state, and sometimes say things you don’t mean - or have a harsh tone (defense mechanism). I am very aware of this, and a lot less reactive now. I have two questions for DAs: 1. What are things/affirmations you would yearn to hear from your partner 1. What is the best way for us to express a need? Do you do well with the “ I feel hurt when you can go days without checking in on me, and I always have to initiate” or is that too much I expect the thing a DA would yearn for most is space -- lots and lots of space, to be able to deactivate and feel free. They probably really wish someone could understand that -- that their partner would just back off, go away, live their own life, and just be around when the DA wants to see them. It seems like asking for a DA to meet your needs will just make them more avoidant, unless the person is working on their DA issues. I think that to be with a DA, one needs to be very chill and independent and meet their own needs or turn to friends/family. |
|
|
|
Post by serenity on Sept 30, 2019 6:35:02 GMT
Yup. Forget about support if you are going through your own stuff, like health crises, work issues, house burns down. You're all alone. If they cause distress to you, also alone. Expect a ton of silent treatments if you try to resolve a conflict they caused. You need to be perfect too, and understand when they go for greener grass when they discover you have normal human flaws.
|
|
|
|
Post by imnottryingtoletuin on Oct 2, 2019 18:07:04 GMT
I found her channel early this year and she has helped me understand the knowledge I’ve read about attachment theory. Her channel is a goldmine. youtu.be/sYR_gmUgl1sI have been visiting this forum since 2016, more of a spectator than a participant. I learned that without awareness, I found myself triggered reading the stories here, and I end up catastrophizing and it goes downhill from there. I recently revisited as I’ve gain more insight about myself and what makes me tick. I will soon come back to slowly untangle my story. Thanks for letting me share.  |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2019 23:53:42 GMT
I found her channel early this year and she has helped me understand the knowledge I’ve read about attachment theory. Her channel is a goldmine. youtu.be/sYR_gmUgl1sI have been visiting this forum since 2016, more of a spectator than a participant. I learned that without awareness, I found myself triggered reading the stories here, and I end up catastrophizing and it goes downhill from there. I recently revisited as I’ve gain more insight about myself and what makes me tick. I will soon come back to slowly untangle my story. Thanks for letting me share. Thais Gibson is fantastic really. I was the same - I still get triggered at times by what I read here, but dealing with it is alot easier with mindfulness. |
|
|
|
Post by stu on Oct 5, 2019 4:34:44 GMT
Yup. Forget about support if you are going through your own stuff, like health crises, work issues, house burns down. You're all alone. If they cause distress to you, also alone. Expect a ton of silent treatments if you try to resolve a conflict they caused. You need to be perfect too, and understand when they go for greener grass when they discover you have normal human flaws. Sounds like a healthy,fulfilling, reciprocal relationship to me 😅 |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2019 15:21:05 GMT
Yup. Forget about support if you are going through your own stuff, like health crises, work issues, house burns down. You're all alone. If they cause distress to you, also alone. Expect a ton of silent treatments if you try to resolve a conflict they caused. You need to be perfect too, and understand when they go for greener grass when they discover you have normal human flaws. I'm willing to bet if I wrote this spiteful little judgemental nugget (as a "secure?" This is one of the many posts here where a non-avoidant gets to take aim and just gets offered more targets ad infinitum. ) .... I'd be called out for being harsh, abrasive, there's an issue with my delivery. (Some) AP's pounce and protect each other from acknowledging their own bias, their own insecurity, their own culpability and contribution. Note that the avoidant is the bad guy, and the "normal" "secure" posters here are all good, all knowing, all objective, wise and above the dysfunction. Say what? Where are we? That so, I'm not sure why they aren't taking their awesome selves along and rocking up to their next awesome experience. They know all about this. Objectively speaking, it is every one else's fault, is it not? May I point out that the OP was asking for advice how to communicate? She didn't actually request a critical and blaming assessment of her relationship potential based on her partners attachment style. She is FA, but there's only one thing worse than that, and it's a DA. (?) Lets ignore the research that says that unaware avoidants tend to choose bad partners (as do AP!) , who will validate their original view that relationships are painful and unsafe? However; self awarensss saves all, so such sweeping dismissals of an entire population (25-30%) can reasonably be dispensed with in consideration of the unique individuals involved. Cue the continued self righteous rants against avoidants. As you were.... |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2019 16:09:29 GMT
Hello, I am new here and I have been on this page for the past 2 days! I am amazed at the support and sense of community I feel. I am an FA with slightly dismissive tendencies but I am with a DA and I think that has made me a little more anxious. I feel a zillion emotions in a short span. I can go from “I’m ending things right now” - to being smitten as soon as the trigger passes. One thing I have worked on over the years is my communication - and he has to! When you’re FA you usually respond from a very defensive state, and sometimes say things you don’t mean - or have a harsh tone (defense mechanism). I am very aware of this, and a lot less reactive now. I have two questions for DAs: 1. What are things/affirmations you would yearn to hear from your partner 1. What is the best way for us to express a need? Do you do well with the “ I feel hurt when you can go days without checking in on me, and I always have to initiate” or is that too much With your permission I would be happy to provide some insight privately via message. |
|
|
|
Post by serenity on Oct 6, 2019 18:50:06 GMT
Yup. Forget about support if you are going through your own stuff, like health crises, work issues, house burns down. You're all alone. If they cause distress to you, also alone. Expect a ton of silent treatments if you try to resolve a conflict they caused. You need to be perfect too, and understand when they go for greener grass when they discover you have normal human flaws. I'm willing to bet if I wrote this spiteful little judgemental nugget (as a "secure?" This is one of the many posts here where a non-avoidant gets to take aim and just gets offered more targets ad infinitum. ) .... I'd be called out for being harsh, abrasive, there's an issue with my delivery. (Some) AP's pounce and protect each other from acknowledging their own bias, their own insecurity, their own culpability and contribution. Note that the avoidant is the bad guy, and the "normal" "secure" posters here are all good, all knowing, all objective, wise and above the dysfunction. Say what? Where are we? Cue the continued self righteous rants against avoidants. As you were.... I'm happy to discuss any point you consider inaccurate. I didn't document DA behavioural patterns, the psychology profession did. Those behaviours completely match up with my personal experiences, the experiences of most partners of DA's I've read on this board, no matter how `unique and individual' each DA is. If people don't want to be called out on dehumanizing, abusive, and socially harmful behaviour, then don't do it. jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/type-dismissive-avoidant/ |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Oct 6, 2019 18:56:09 GMT
Hello, I am new here and I have been on this page for the past 2 days! I am amazed at the support and sense of community I feel. I am an FA with slightly dismissive tendencies but I am with a DA and I think that has made me a little more anxious. I feel a zillion emotions in a short span. I can go from “I’m ending things right now” - to being smitten as soon as the trigger passes. One thing I have worked on over the years is my communication - and he has to! When you’re FA you usually respond from a very defensive state, and sometimes say things you don’t mean - or have a harsh tone (defense mechanism). I am very aware of this, and a lot less reactive now. I have two questions for DAs: 1. What are things/affirmations you would yearn to hear from your partner 1. What is the best way for us to express a need? Do you do well with the “ I feel hurt when you can go days without checking in on me, and I always have to initiate” or is that too much With your permission I would be happy to provide some insight privately via message. @inmourning - could you pm me the same? I want to be there the way he needs and I’ve asked him, but he doesn’t tell me how...I don’t think he knows bc he doesn’t analyze his thoughts and feelings. Thx for any suggestions- I know he doesn’t hurt me intentionally EVER and is only dealing w old wounds as I am. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 6, 2019 19:41:11 GMT
I'm willing to bet if I wrote this spiteful little judgemental nugget (as a "secure?" This is one of the many posts here where a non-avoidant gets to take aim and just gets offered more targets ad infinitum. ) .... I'd be called out for being harsh, abrasive, there's an issue with my delivery. (Some) AP's pounce and protect each other from acknowledging their own bias, their own insecurity, their own culpability and contribution. Note that the avoidant is the bad guy, and the "normal" "secure" posters here are all good, all knowing, all objective, wise and above the dysfunction. Say what? Where are we? Cue the continued self righteous rants against avoidants. As you were.... I'm happy to discuss any point you consider inaccurate. I didn't document DA behavioural patterns, the psychology profession did. Those behaviours completely match up with my personal experiences, the experiences of most partners of DA's I've read on this board, no matter how `unique and individual' each DA is. If people don't want to be called out on dehumanizing, abusive, and socially harmful behaviour, then don't do it. jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/type-dismissive-avoidant/Something no avoidant is allowed to say about AP on this board even tho EXPERTS AGREE their behavior is all of the above, even studies show it to be highly associated with domestic violence with extreme fight behavior in activation. AP here are allowed by each other to have their little fits and tantrums blaming the other side. Then gang up if they get their feels hurt: As we know, that's how it is here. It does you guys good to get it out I'm sure. So you can move on. Carry on. |
|
|
|
Post by serenity on Oct 6, 2019 19:48:14 GMT
I'm happy to discuss any point you consider inaccurate. I didn't document DA behavioural patterns, the psychology profession did. Those behaviours completely match up with my personal experiences, the experiences of most partners of DA's I've read on this board, no matter how `unique and individual' each DA is. If people don't want to be called out on dehumanizing, abusive, and socially harmful behaviour, then don't do it. jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/type-dismissive-avoidant/Something no avoidant is allowed to say about AP on this board even tho EXPERTS AGREE their behavior is all of the above, even studies show it to be highly associated with domestic violence with extreme fight behavior in activation. AP here are allowed by each other to have their little fits and tantrums blaming the other side. Then gang up if they get their feels hurt: As we know, that's how it is here. It does you guys good to get it out I'm sure. So you can move on. Carry on. I agree, other attachment types can engage in abusive behaviours. Deflecting doesn't mean that the DA behaviours I mentioned are a free pass or shouldn't be called on. And lets not forget a good portion of couples start romantic relationships to raise kids. Are you going to blame needy anxious kids for "their issues" or stop behaving in a way that harms them? |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 6, 2019 22:26:45 GMT
What the hell is this "you" bullshit? My work speaks for itself. Your tantrum doesn't belong on me. Weird!!!
Are you still running all this by your mentor?
|
|
