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Post by andre4221 on Sept 30, 2019 23:16:08 GMT
Hi there.
Glad to have found this forum and was hoping for some advice on the potential for healing and how to navigate it as a couple.
I'm female, securely attached. My partner is male, dismissive avoidant.
We've been together just over a year. We love each and overall we are happy but attachment issues cause a lot of unnecessary pain in an otherwise wonderful relationship.
He's a great person, for the most part extremely loving to me. I noticed we had an issue after we'd been together four or five months and little things popped up.
Eg: He can't say "I love you", he gets freaked our by too much intimacy, he creates boundaries etc and forms obsessions outside the relationship. At first I didn't understand what was happening, then I threaded it together and realised he had avoidant attachment.
He gets it. He's listening. He's willing to go to therapy. He wants to improve things as he's aware it's not fair on me. If anything he seemed kind of relieved as he felt something was wrong with him but didn't get what it was.
I know he loves me. He's always there, always kind, always supportive, always listens. Intimacy makes him panic and he does stuff that's hurtful. It causes problems between us.
He did the online "attachment" test and came back dismissively attached to both parents, others in general but on the border of secure/ avoidant with me.
We want to move into a space where our relationship isn't hindered by this.
I've made compromises (eg: I accept he needs a lot of independence and that's okay) but sometimes it causes problems that cross my own boundaries of what I'm prepared to tolerate.
Can anyone give some advice on the scope for healing?
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kelly
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Post by kelly on Oct 1, 2019 0:47:13 GMT
Hi there. Glad to have found this forum and was hoping for some advice on the potential for healing and how to navigate it as a couple. I'm female, securely attached. My partner is male, dismissive avoidant. We've been together just over a year. We love each and overall we are happy but attachment issues cause a lot of unnecessary pain in an otherwise wonderful relationship. He's a great person, for the most part extremely loving to me. I noticed we had an issue after we'd been together four or five months and little things popped up. Eg: He can't say "I love you", he gets freaked our by too much intimacy, he creates boundaries etc and forms obsessions outside the relationship. At first I didn't understand what was happening, then I threaded it together and realised he had avoidant attachment. He gets it. He's listening. He's willing to go to therapy. He wants to improve things as he's aware it's not fair on me. If anything he seemed kind of relieved as he felt something was wrong with him but didn't get what it was. I know he loves me. He's always there, always kind, always supportive, always listens. Intimacy makes him panic and he does stuff that's hurtful. It causes problems between us. He did the online "attachment" test and came back dismissively attached to both parents, others in general but on the border of secure/ avoidant with me. We want to move into a space where our relationship isn't hindered by this. I've made compromises (eg: I accept he needs a lot of independence and that's okay) but sometimes it causes problems that cross my own boundaries of what I'm prepared to tolerate. Can anyone give some advice on the scope for healing? What are the things that cross your boundaries of what you can tolerate? |
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Post by andre4221 on Oct 1, 2019 3:17:04 GMT
That's a very good question. I don't it's one specific thing, rather than me having a line where its gone too far.
Ie..
I have a partner who isn't great at "feelings", he never says he loves me, he needs a lot of space, he's not naturally good at responding to my needs. But I also have a partner who's incredibly kind, loyal, attentive, sweet, clever, fun and who shows he loves me on a daily basis.
The guy shows up with soup if I'm sick, he cleans my apartment if I'm busy, he shows up for every date no matter if he's tired / sick, he plans adventures and all I have to do is show up, he's always kissing and touching me, he sends me postcards from business trips, he makes my coffee when I'm sleeping, he reads the books on attachment because I tell him it's important. So, yes, he's loving and I feel loved.
Where my "line" gets crossed is when he collectively puts SO many barriers to intimacy up that it negatively affects my life and my enjoyment of life. At those times the avoidance goes SO far that it begins to diminish us / me and I get very angry or upset.
A couple of examples...
1. Not getting Christmas together because he distances on special occassions snd tries to keep lines of separation that I can't cross, which crosses a line for me as Christmas is really sentimental for me.
2. Not making major life decisions in a way that takes MY needs / hopes / wishes into account. For example choosing a job that's location makes living nearby difficult, which crosses a line for me as living together is important for me.
3. I allow him a LOT of space. Sometimes this goes too far. Like for example he becomes so busy the entire summer that we can't take a vacation together. I don't like missing out because he's not prioritised me.
This is the kind of stuff that he does to distance, and I am naturally extremely tolerant (he says I'm very chilled and low maintenance) but I come to a point where I feel I'm not getting enough time / commitment and where his overall plan is to love me...but from behind carefullt constructed walls that maintain a barrier.
He's just now started to make it clear that he wants to marry me. My worry is that we get married and he becomes a stranger in my home. I admit, there are times I feel so connected to him and equally times I feel deeply lonely.
I really love him, I want to work through it but it can honestly be exhausting to feel like you need to fight to get small things that should come naturally.
We do make progress, but OMG sometimes it has felt like a battle. It took me SO long to get him to let me in his house, or to spend weekends with me it felt like wrestling a bear!
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Post by serenity on Oct 1, 2019 6:31:23 GMT
Do you live together, and if not can you test that out without too much risk to your wellbeing? It sounds like you need to know about his routines when you are cohabitating full time.
I've only lived with two DA's. Both ended up cheating to get distance, and one was a bit more extreme and planned elaborate `extra curricular' activities (mainly hobbies he wouldn't include me in) to avoid interacting with me.
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Post by andre4221 on Oct 1, 2019 11:05:56 GMT
That's unfortunately not possible for about 18 months due to his work choices
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Post by alexandra on Oct 1, 2019 12:45:28 GMT
andre4221, the best thing to do is stay consistent and communicate your needs calmly, but understand that he has to make the decision to seriously do some work on his own while you do the same. It's great that he's been open to learning that attachment theory exists, because that leads to awareness, which is step one in healing. But that's only the beginning of a challenging and uncomfortable process towards earned security. A lot of aspects of that are extremely personal and completely about self, not about the partner, and have to be done at the person's own speed without interference (ie, pressure to heal faster). As someone does it, they need to be fully accepted for where they are. That doesn't mean you need to agree with every decision they make or not call them out if they're getting stuck, but you can't take any of it personally or think you won't be okay if they don't change or project how you think you'd feel and handle the situation on them at ALL (ie saying he should just be able to do things easily that seem to require so much effort on his part). A lot of people also get so uncomfortable after the first few months of delving into their primal wounds that they think it's not working / not worth it / too painful to continue, and may withdraw from the process. It's more important you focus on your own attachment style and security than his, so that you can be secure even if you feel uncomfortable during his process, or if it turns out he's not ready to fully confront his issues. You need to be emotionally available and healthy on your end so you can be patient and not tied to any specific outcome of his process, since you have no control over that. You can only control yourself and your own healing. If you both choose therapy, it's best to do mainly individual sessions mixed with some couple's counseling to learn better tools to understand each other's needs and better communicate. But the couple's therapy probably won't heal the actually attachment wounding, as that happened long before you met each other. It will help you navigate together as you both confront your own individual wounds and heal and change, however. Good luck. Let us know how it goes if he earnestly works and attends therapy, because not many people on this board have partners that agree to it and are able to give updates on how that looks.
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Post by andre4221 on Oct 1, 2019 18:23:08 GMT
Thanks so much. It sounds like a long road with no guarantees.
For my part, I stay secure and don't really react but I do quite often feel lonely.
Things have improved a lot, baby steps, but it is always a struggle
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kelly
New Member
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Post by kelly on Oct 1, 2019 21:43:06 GMT
It’d be smart to do a trial live together. You may find yourself disappointed by your expectations of closeness and the reality of what he is able to give. I can tell you really love him and he obviously cares about/loves you as well because of the effort he gives. But I think you should give a lot of thought about whether you’re going to be ok with everything being a huge effort down the road. One year is not the same as 5 or 10 or more years, when things become more settled and routine, as most relationships do. You are a secure person, but there are some real hurdles here. Don’t spend years feeling lonely. I hope for your sake he can move a little more in your direction. But don’t spend years of your life waiting for that to happen. Just my opinion.
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Post by andre4221 on Oct 2, 2019 0:05:19 GMT
Well, he's beginning by reading the books I've given him. It's obvious he's making a big effort, I am just nervous about how hard it will be for him to become more secure. I definitely don't want a dysfunctional relationship  One thing we've implemented that's helped (might sound strange) but we had a big problem communicating emotions as he: A) can't verbalize his or even identify them B) can't really compute my emotions So we had an issue with him feeling bad he was making me feel but but not really understanding. So what we have done is starting using a chart to communicate feelings. So there's a colour wheel for feelings, and we rate them numerically to identify intensity. So for example when I used to ask how he was feeling and he'd say "fine", I felt unconnected. Now he will say "yellow 6, blue 3" which means "quite happy but mildly need space". Or I will say "Green 8, orange 5", which means I am feeling very rejected and quite angry". And as silly as it sounds, it's really helped us. He understands my needs and is MUCH better at responding to them when we communicate this way. Maybe this suggestion might help others? |
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kelly
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Post by kelly on Oct 2, 2019 0:12:22 GMT
Wow! That’s crazy good! Where did you get the idea for that?
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 2, 2019 1:48:34 GMT
Well, he's beginning by reading the books I've given him. It's obvious he's making a big effort, I am just nervous about how hard it will be for him to become more secure. I definitely don't want a dysfunctional relationship One thing we've implemented that's helped (might sound strange) but we had a big problem communicating emotions as he: A) can't verbalize his or even identify them B) can't really compute my emotions So we had an issue with him feeling bad he was making me feel but but not really understanding. So what we have done is starting using a chart to communicate feelings. So there's a colour wheel for feelings, and we rate them numerically to identify intensity. So for example when I used to ask how he was feeling and he'd say "fine", I felt unconnected. Now he will say "yellow 6, blue 3" which means "quite happy but mildly need space". Or I will say "Green 8, orange 5", which means I am feeling very rejected and quite angry". And as silly as it sounds, it's really helped us. He understands my needs and is MUCH better at responding to them when we communicate this way. Maybe this suggestion might help others? Could he also have autism? I know that individuals with autism have difficulty with verbalizing and recognizing feelings in self and others. |
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Post by andre4221 on Oct 2, 2019 8:58:01 GMT
Very mildly, yes we think so  |
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Post by serenity on Oct 3, 2019 6:04:43 GMT
Theres a lot of hope for relationships with people on the spectrum of autism. Its great hearing how you've learned to manage your communication.
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Post by mrob on Oct 3, 2019 22:41:19 GMT
I look at what he’s giving you and the way he is doing it, and I know that’s about all I’ve got. Marriage wouldn’t, and didn’t, suddenly give me more ability to be “normal”. I thought it would! My ex-wife could have written that about us. I had two lots of therapy before we got married, but had no idea of attachment theory.
I always knew there was something wrong with my response to relationships with people. I shoved it down, acted as if, took my body hoping the mind would follow, did as I was told. To know about this stuff, at least the door is open to change. But without the true willingness to take apart the foundations of my psyche for myself (not for a relationship), change is unlikely. Also, he might test as DA, but if he keeps coming back, I’d suggest otherwise.
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 4, 2019 22:01:01 GMT
I look at what he’s giving you and the way he is doing it, and I know that’s about all I’ve got. Marriage wouldn’t, and didn’t, suddenly give me more ability to be “normal”. I thought it would! My ex-wife could have written that about us. I had two lots of therapy before we got married, but had no idea of attachment theory. I always knew there was something wrong with my response to relationships with people. I shoved it down, acted as if, took my body hoping the mind would follow, did as I was told. To know about this stuff, at least the door is open to change. But without the true willingness to take apart the foundations of my psyche for myself (not for a relationship), change is unlikely. Also, he might test as DA, but if he keeps coming back, I’d suggest otherwise. - Agreed- DA don’t come back. My DA wouldn’t. They feel incapable, better off alone. My DA broke my heart over and over and tonight he just told me to move on. I asked for more. A DA won’t tolerate that. |
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