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Post by tnr9 on Oct 1, 2019 16:05:11 GMT
I feel I am trending more of a mixed bag of feelings with B....this morning I started off both loving and fearful (what I would term as my form of FA) and now I have this feeling of resentment. I wish I had been able to write this morning to compare my love/fear state with my resentful state....and I wonder if others go through this progression.....love (or love/fear) followed by resentment.
Just to provide more context....this morning I had these images....I have an amazing imagination....of B having finally found success at work....and of course....having achieved the type of relationship he wanted with E and her being “the one”. Even writing this down has caused tears to flow...so I had a doctor appt and during the drive, I felt both love and fear for B....as if loving him was scary, not to be trusted, associated with some level of perceived pain and rejection. It was like I wanted to chase after him and hide from him at the exact same time. I don’t know why that has led to feelings of resentment....all I can think is I am mad that my feelings were hijacked....and so...I have more of a (curse word), push away feeling towards him....but with an underlying...don’t be mad at me sadness (that is likely just my own coping mechanism).
anyway...does anyone else have this experience?
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Post by serenity on Oct 1, 2019 23:50:11 GMT
Yeah, I have felt it grieving a loss as well. As far as I know, anger is a normal part grieving. It doesn't mean you're unforgiving or will get stuck there forever. Its more like a sign that your sense of self worth is returning.(it may have got badly damaged because of the rejection and feelings of being abandoned). I am sorry for your loss trn9. You are such a giving, flexible, caring woman. You spent years loving a man, and i would have loved for that to have worked out much better for you. None of it is your fault; you did your best and you gave love. These are supposedly the stages of grief: psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/Denial – The first reaction is denial. In this stage, individuals cling to a false, preferable reality. Anger – When the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue, they become frustrated, especially at proximate individuals. Bargaining – The third stage involves the hope that the individual can avoid a cause of grief. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek compromise. Depression – "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon, so what's the point?"; "I miss my loved one; why go on?" During the fourth stage, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time mournful and sullen. Acceptance – "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it; I may as well prepare for it." In this last stage, individuals embrace an inevitable future, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event.
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Post by serenity on Oct 2, 2019 0:03:55 GMT
PS. Most days lately, I'm jumping somewhere between bargaining, Depression, Anger , and Acceptance. It really sucks losing someone you love Some more about the "Anger" stage of grief (theres probably much better resources than this on the web) "As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our departed loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry."
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 2, 2019 1:54:09 GMT
Yeah, I have felt it grieving a loss as well. As far as I know, anger is a normal part grieving. It doesn't mean you're unforgiving or will get stuck there forever. Its more like a sign that your sense of self worth is returning.(it may have got badly damaged because of the rejection and feelings of being abandoned). I am sorry for your loss trn9. You are such a giving, flexible, caring woman. You spent years loving a man, and i would have loved for that to have worked out much better for you. None of it is your fault; you did your best and you gave love. These are supposedly the stages of grief: psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/Denial – The first reaction is denial. In this stage, individuals cling to a false, preferable reality. Anger – When the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue, they become frustrated, especially at proximate individuals. Bargaining – The third stage involves the hope that the individual can avoid a cause of grief. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek compromise. Depression – "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon, so what's the point?"; "I miss my loved one; why go on?" During the fourth stage, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time mournful and sullen. Acceptance – "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it; I may as well prepare for it." In this last stage, individuals embrace an inevitable future, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event. Thanks Serenity...i just have this reoccurring thought that if I truly were “that good” he would not have left and found someone else. I know I tried...but I keep thinking of ways I possibly could have tweaked things to be “better”. Right now...I am just trying to sit with it all...all the emotions... it I truly do miss B.
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Post by serenity on Oct 2, 2019 3:55:32 GMT
I know the feeling tnr9; do you think that mindset of ``if only I did X,Y, Z.." could be part of the ''bargaining'' side of grief? Or is it more that you've internalised his mindset?
Here's a question: What do you really believe are the reasons for FA's abandoning people who love them ? Is it that their partners aren't good enough? Or something else?
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 2, 2019 12:46:02 GMT
I know the feeling tnr9; do you think that mindset of ``if only I did X,Y, Z.." could be part of the ''bargaining'' side of grief? Or is it more that you've internalised his mindset? Here's a question: What do you really believe are the reasons for FA's abandoning people who love them ? Is it that their partners aren't good enough? Or something else? I think my bargaining step gets activated all the time...even when I am in a relationship. i think B’s breakup with me...while I would love to say that it was due to his FA because then,in my mind...I can still possibly win him back.....as opposed to it being that he did not have any intentions to nbe with me long term. That is what makes me so sad.
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Post by alexandra on Oct 2, 2019 12:54:19 GMT
while I would love to say that it was due to his FA because then,in my mind...I can still possibly win him back.....as opposed to it being that he did not have any intentions to nbe with me long term. That is what makes me so sad. It's really none of the above, though. The takeaway is just, you chose an emotionally unavailable man. It doesn't matter if you can or can't win him back, because his intentions with you were never about you. There's actually nothing to bargain over here, except bargaining over not abandoning yourself in the mourning process.
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 3, 2019 2:06:22 GMT
while I would love to say that it was due to his FA because then,in my mind...I can still possibly win him back.....as opposed to it being that he did not have any intentions to nbe with me long term. That is what makes me so sad. It's really none of the above, though. The takeaway is just, you chose an emotionally unavailable man. It doesn't matter if you can or can't win him back, because his intentions with you were never about you. There's actually nothing to bargain over here, except bargaining over not abandoning yourself in the mourning process. Thank Alexandria...it is just challenging to see him as emotionally unavailable when he seemed so ready to commit to this new girl.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2019 3:58:11 GMT
for me, the rule is simple. If he does not commit to me, then he's just unavailable to me. If he's ready to commit to someone else, but not to you, then isn't it clear that he's just not into you? Perhaps this rship with someone else is going to crash and burn, but nonetheless, the point is you're not the one he wants to try committing to so why fucking bother being all upset? it's such a waste of time debating if it's an attachment thing or not. It really doesn't matter - you are free to find someone else because he is not an option.
and instead of obsessing over someone who didn't choose you, why don't you focus on yourself and decide what kind of partner you want to be and who you want to be, so that you CAN be a great partner to the next person?
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 3, 2019 13:27:37 GMT
for me, the rule is simple. If he does not commit to me, then he's just unavailable to me. If he's ready to commit to someone else, but not to you, then isn't it clear that he's just not into you? Perhaps this rship with someone else is going to crash and burn, but nonetheless, the point is you're not the one he wants to try committing to so why fucking bother being all upset? it's such a waste of time debating if it's an attachment thing or not. It really doesn't matter - you are free to find someone else because he is not an option. and instead of obsessing over someone who didn't choose you, why don't you focus on yourself and decide what kind of partner you want to be and who you want to be, so that you CAN be a great partner to the next person? So...I appreciate your response....the thing is...this IS how I am working through my issues. The above was simply pointing out that in my thinking, he was not “unavailable” because he had the capacity to be available to someone else. I think it is great that all you needed was a “rule”....that approach doesn't work for me...been there, tried that....dated B because he fit a lot of what I thought I needed (short list really). I have an emotionally unavailable dad...the idea that I have to earn love is very normal to me. And in all fairness...B was not unavailable all the time...and while we were dating, he did make plans, talk about buying a house and having a church we both loved to attend....it was just that it was not consistent. The difference with this girl was he introduced her to his family faster (took 3 months in my case, less then a month with her) and he made them Facebook official..which he did not do with us....but lots of people choose to take their time making a relationship official. The reason I say these things is that while we were dating....he was into me....just would be in waves. Also....not looking for anyone at the moment...I think the whole getting over someone by moving on to someone else is highly overrated and does nothing to address the deeper wounds that lead to the choices we subconsciously make. So the goal right now is just acceptance and love for who I am since the whole issue with being AP is self rejection. Really glad you posted so I could get this out and see that there was a relationship with actual care and love and he did not choose her over me...and the issue wasn’t me but stemmed from his own wounds. Thank you for that.
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Post by eternalsunshine on Oct 3, 2019 21:08:29 GMT
I have been experiencing the same waves of grief that you’ve been describing. It’s a strange little rollercoaster to be on. I get denial and bargaining when I think about the mixed messages. I keep thinking though that there probably wasn’t anything else I could do except stretch myself to fit for him and still would have just prolonged the inevitable. I wish you healing and sorry that you are going through a similar grief cycle.
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