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Post by suarez9 on Oct 30, 2019 15:37:21 GMT
Hi everyone.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate it and any potential advice feedback.
This is my story.
About 3 years ago on a night out I met a girl. We clicked instantly. I was just out of a relationship and wasn't sure if I should dive straight into a new one with someone who was under 30 (she was 28 when we met). I always felt girls under 30 were a little less settled and less ready to commit without any games etc. So for the first 4 months I was the one being chased, and eventually I thought, she must be serious about me if she has stayed this long. The second I decided to commit to her and suggested I take her away for a romantic weekend in the country - boom. She turned the tables 180. Suddenly she was "not ready to commit" and had just had some news about her ex etc. She claimed that they had just sold their home - the one that they bought together. I'm not sure if this was even true but hey that's what she said so I bought it. Confused, I let her have her space and started to blame myself for taking too long to decide that I wanted to be with her.
Out of the blue a few weeks later she got in touch. And so the story begins. On, off, on off, on, off. Ad infinitum.
The sex was great. The connection was brilliant. The laughter and the jokes, all fantastic. Yet she kept finding reasons not to be with me officially. She didn't like doing presents. Christmas gifts were banned. One year she gave me something personal and I loved it. She'd known I had loved one of her art drawings. So she framed it and it was my present. It meant a lot. I thought we were making progress! Eventually we were an item of sorts. We never labelled it but it was basically that. She didn't like labels. She just wanted to hang out, do all the things that couples do, without the label and without the commitment.
It lasted 8 weeks and then out of the blue one night, she told me it was over. I was shocked. Fast forward 4 weeks and she was back in touch. Each time this happened we'd have another 2-3 months together and then a break up. A pattern was forming. In total I think we had about 5 break ups. I genuinely have lost count. The pattern was always the same. The second we were getting closer, she'd pull away and dump me. It usually centred on me wanting to do a weekend away or a holiday. And so it continued. I'll fast forward to the last 2 iterations of the relationship. At the start of this year I had a football team wedding. One of the lads was getting married overseas. He invited me and my other half. I asked her about it over Christmas. She was given time and space and I made a point of not at all pressurising her. I expected her to say no but to my surprise she went all out and said "let's buy a new hat"! A few weeks later when we needed to book stuff, I was getting mixed signals. I went ahead and booked the flights and the hotel and hoped that this would be pre holiday jitters. It was more than that. She ended it a couple of weeks before the trip. I was heartbroken.
2 months passed and I assumed that would be the last time I would speak to her or see her. Then out of the blue she called and texted. She wanted to see me for just 5 mins to apologise and to set the record straight. I reluctantly agreed to meet her. I heard her out. She apologised for the lot. For bailing on the overseas wedding. For not putting a label on us in the 2 years, for not introducing me to her family, for not committing to a holiday. Everything I had wanted basically. She persisted with the texts. She started to offer to bring me cooked dinners to my office. She started to claim that she was broody. She arranged for me to meet her mum and then after that went well, I got to meet her mum and dad on another occasion. I liked them, they liked me and things were going really well.
This time seemed different. She seemed to have changed. She seemed to be more committed. Was spending more time with me. Doing the basics of a normal relationship. I was invited to meet her sister and her husband for dinner. That got cancelled later though. We had agreed that we would go away later in the year. This was my main reason for taking her back. Alas when the time approached she started making excuses. Eventually she flatly refused to go away with me when I took away all of her excuses. I had been promised a full on holiday "anywhere you want" and ended up trying to compromise like the fool I was - offering to tag on 2 days to the end of a work trip that she had to take. Even that was turned down. Can you imagine how that made me feel? All the broken promises. All the lies. I was heartbroken. She promised me the world and then gave me nothing.
That was about 2 months ago. She wouldn't compromise. I asked. I tried. I would have settled for a shitty weekend away - if only she had tried to make an effort. In all of the 3 years I knew her, we only had one weekend away in the countryside. Not once did we step on a plane. We had an amazing time and she told me on one of our walks how she loved me and realised how lucky she was to have me in her life. I thought I was getting somewhere.
What I can't work out - and I need to - is why she always refused to go away with me? Why tell me stuff like " I can't wait to go to an airport with you" and then not follow through. What made her so scared. Another guy? A fear of commitment? I asked her and she never really gave me a proper answer. When we ended it for the last time she admitted that I did deserve more commitment but she was unable to do this. She said that if we went on holiday she would feel like the next step would be moving in together and that I would want more and more. I explained it was just a holiday but it was like talking to a brick wall.
The final dagger to the heart was a few weeks ago. I walked into my local - and she was there on a date. I froze. I paused. I waved, walked past and then felt sick. So I left quickly. Her housemates too have started to go to my local bar too. I've bumped into them twice now. Each time that happens it makes it harder to move on as it brings back the memories of what we had. The answers to my questions though are still unanswered.
I've not contacted her since we broke up. The last time we spoke I asked her to meet one friday. She initially agreed and was really keen. Then something changed and she said she didn't feel like she could. She wasn't sure she could give me the answers I was looking for so suggested we didn't meet. I took that to meaning that she was calling time on this again and so I thanked her for her honesty and didn't even blue tick the kisses she sent. And like that poof. She was gone again.
Every so often I'll blame myself. I'll say was i too rash. Should I have moved the meeting to the sunday. Was I too hot headed. All of these questions flash though my head. Was the holiday that important. Maybe you could have just let that slide. The rest of it was ok, she was getting better. I'll never know.
What I want to know now from you good people is the following.
1. Did she truly love me ever?
2. Why did always end it as the holiday was coming about (or when I was going away - twice I had trips away and she ended it with me before I went - thus ruining my holiday).
3. Is there a parallel guy she's doing the same to?
4. Do you think she will ever get back in touch - do I need to prepare for this?
Thank you so very much for taking the time to read this and I appreciate any helpful comments.
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Post by nyc718 on Oct 30, 2019 15:47:37 GMT
Hi everyone. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate it and any potential advice feedback. This is my story. About 3 years ago on a night out I met a girl. We clicked instantly. I was just out of a relationship and wasn't sure if I should dive straight into a new one with someone who was under 30 (she was 28 when we met). I always felt girls under 30 were a little less settled and less ready to commit without any games etc. So for the first 4 months I was the one being chased, and eventually I thought, she must be serious about me if she has stayed this long. The second I decided to commit to her and suggested I take her away for a romantic weekend in the country - boom. She turned the tables 180. Suddenly she was "not ready to commit" and had just had some news about her ex etc. She claimed that they had just sold their home - the one that they bought together. I'm not sure if this was even true but hey that's what she said so I bought it. Confused, I let her have her space and started to blame myself for taking too long to decide that I wanted to be with her. Out of the blue a few weeks later she got in touch. And so the story begins. On, off, on off, on, off. Ad infinitum. The sex was great. The connection was brilliant. The laughter and the jokes, all fantastic. Yet she kept finding reasons not to be with me officially. She didn't like doing presents. Christmas gifts were banned. One year she gave me something personal and I loved it. She'd known I had loved one of her art drawings. So she framed it and it was my present. It meant a lot. I thought we were making progress! Eventually we were an item of sorts. We never labelled it but it was basically that. She didn't like labels. She just wanted to hang out, do all the things that couples do, without the label and without the commitment. It lasted 8 weeks and then out of the blue one night, she told me it was over. I was shocked. Fast forward 4 weeks and she was back in touch. Each time this happened we'd have another 2-3 months together and then a break up. A pattern was forming. In total I think we had about 5 break ups. I genuinely have lost count. The pattern was always the same. The second we were getting closer, she'd pull away and dump me. It usually centred on me wanting to do a weekend away or a holiday. And so it continued. I'll fast forward to the last 2 iterations of the relationship. At the start of this year I had a football team wedding. One of the lads was getting married overseas. He invited me and my other half. I asked her about it over Christmas. She was given time and space and I made a point of not at all pressurising her. I expected her to say no but to my surprise she went all out and said "let's buy a new hat"! A few weeks later when we needed to book stuff, I was getting mixed signals. I went ahead and booked the flights and the hotel and hoped that this would be pre holiday jitters. It was more than that. She ended it a couple of weeks before the trip. I was heartbroken. 2 months passed and I assumed that would be the last time I would speak to her or see her. Then out of the blue she called and texted. She wanted to see me for just 5 mins to apologise and to set the record straight. I reluctantly agreed to meet her. I heard her out. She apologised for the lot. For bailing on the overseas wedding. For not putting a label on us in the 2 years, for not introducing me to her family, for not committing to a holiday. Everything I had wanted basically. She persisted with the texts. She started to offer to bring me cooked dinners to my office. She started to claim that she was broody. She arranged for me to meet her mum and then after that went well, I got to meet her mum and dad on another occasion. I liked them, they liked me and things were going really well. This time seemed different. She seemed to have changed. She seemed to be more committed. Was spending more time with me. Doing the basics of a normal relationship. I was invited to meet her sister and her husband for dinner. That got cancelled later though. We had agreed that we would go away later in the year. This was my main reason for taking her back. Alas when the time approached she started making excuses. Eventually she flatly refused to go away with me when I took away all of her excuses. I had been promised a full on holiday "anywhere you want" and ended up trying to compromise like the fool I was - offering to tag on 2 days to the end of a work trip that she had to take. Even that was turned down. Can you imagine how that made me feel? All the broken promises. All the lies. I was heartbroken. She promised me the world and then gave me nothing. That was about 2 months ago. She wouldn't compromise. I asked. I tried. I would have settled for a shitty weekend away - if only she had tried to make an effort. In all of the 3 years I knew her, we only had one weekend away in the countryside. Not once did we step on a plane. We had an amazing time and she told me on one of our walks how she loved me and realised how lucky she was to have me in her life. I thought I was getting somewhere. What I can't work out - and I need to - is why she always refused to go away with me? Why tell me stuff like " I can't wait to go to an airport with you" and then not follow through. What made her so scared. Another guy? A fear of commitment? I asked her and she never really gave me a proper answer. When we ended it for the last time she admitted that I did deserve more commitment but she was unable to do this. She said that if we went on holiday she would feel like the next step would be moving in together and that I would want more and more. I explained it was just a holiday but it was like talking to a brick wall. The final dagger to the heart was a few weeks ago. I walked into my local - and she was there on a date. I froze. I paused. I waved, walked past and then felt sick. So I left quickly. Her housemates too have started to go to my local bar too. I've bumped into them twice now. Each time that happens it makes it harder to move on as it brings back the memories of what we had. The answers to my questions though are still unanswered. I've not contacted her since we broke up. The last time we spoke I asked her to meet one friday. She initially agreed and was really keen. Then something changed and she said she didn't feel like she could. She wasn't sure she could give me the answers I was looking for so suggested we didn't meet. I took that to meaning that she was calling time on this again and so I thanked her for her honesty and didn't even blue tick the kisses she sent. And like that poof. She was gone again. Every so often I'll blame myself. I'll say was i too rash. Should I have moved the meeting to the sunday. Was I too hot headed. All of these questions flash though my head. Was the holiday that important. Maybe you could have just let that slide. The rest of it was ok, she was getting better. I'll never know. What I want to know now from you good people is the following. 1. Did she truly love me ever? 2. Why did always end it as the holiday was coming about (or when I was going away - twice I had trips away and she ended it with me before I went - thus ruining my holiday). 3. Is there a parallel guy she's doing the same to? 4. Do you think she will ever get back in touch - do I need to prepare for this? Thank you so very much for taking the time to read this and I appreciate any helpful comments. Welcome! She is a classic Fearful Avoidant, and that's why a lot of us are here, dealing with the same thing! The details a little different, but the patterns all the same. The FAs we are dealing with are all over on that avoidant spectrum, but they all exhibit the same push-pull dynamic, pull you in, push you away. It's mostly subconsciously directed actions on their part that until/unless they get in tune with through therapy and a willingness to explore, they will continue this cycle with everyone they meet, leaving their partners confused and most likely not understanding their own part in the dysfunction. I'm sorry your dealing with that, most of us here get it. Please hang around, look at past posts and you'll see you are not alone in this confusion. And just FYI, I personally have dealt with a few men like this, though I didn't know about their attachment types until my current FA bf that I am working on slowly breaking away from. I love him dearly, he's a good man, but his limitations will keep us unable to go very far, and I am someone who desires more from a partner even though I want him the most. I know I would not be honoring myself if I don't get what I need to thrive in a relationship. |
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Post by dhali on Oct 30, 2019 16:01:01 GMT
“ 1. Did she truly love me ever?
2. Why did always end it as the holiday was coming about (or when I was going away - twice I had trips away and she ended it with me before I went - thus ruining my holiday).
3. Is there a parallel guy she's doing the same to?
4. Do you think she will ever get back in touch - do I need to prepare for this?”
I’ll take a stab-
1) Obviously she isn’t strongly considering your needs which is a big part of love. But I couldn’t ever answer this. Love is more than the butterflies.
2) intimacy avoidance.
3) dunno. It sounds like you both spent a bunch of time together. Where would she have time? As for what she does now, you’re broken up... so it’s not really any of your business. I’d leave her be.
4) who can say? Everyone has their breaking point on the carausel. It’s tough to guess where that breaking point would be.
Is this the life you want?
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Post by stu on Oct 30, 2019 16:46:08 GMT
Hi everyone. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate it and any potential advice feedback. This is my story. About 3 years ago on a night out I met a girl. We clicked instantly. I was just out of a relationship and wasn't sure if I should dive straight into a new one with someone who was under 30 (she was 28 when we met). I always felt girls under 30 were a little less settled and less ready to commit without any games etc. So for the first 4 months I was the one being chased, and eventually I thought, she must be serious about me if she has stayed this long. The second I decided to commit to her and suggested I take her away for a romantic weekend in the country - boom. She turned the tables 180. Suddenly she was "not ready to commit" and had just had some news about her ex etc. She claimed that they had just sold their home - the one that they bought together. I'm not sure if this was even true but hey that's what she said so I bought it. Confused, I let her have her space and started to blame myself for taking too long to decide that I wanted to be with her. Out of the blue a few weeks later she got in touch. And so the story begins. On, off, on off, on, off. Ad infinitum. The sex was great. The connection was brilliant. The laughter and the jokes, all fantastic. Yet she kept finding reasons not to be with me officially. She didn't like doing presents. Christmas gifts were banned. One year she gave me something personal and I loved it. She'd known I had loved one of her art drawings. So she framed it and it was my present. It meant a lot. I thought we were making progress! Eventually we were an item of sorts. We never labelled it but it was basically that. She didn't like labels. She just wanted to hang out, do all the things that couples do, without the label and without the commitment. It lasted 8 weeks and then out of the blue one night, she told me it was over. I was shocked. Fast forward 4 weeks and she was back in touch. Each time this happened we'd have another 2-3 months together and then a break up. A pattern was forming. In total I think we had about 5 break ups. I genuinely have lost count. The pattern was always the same. The second we were getting closer, she'd pull away and dump me. It usually centred on me wanting to do a weekend away or a holiday. And so it continued. I'll fast forward to the last 2 iterations of the relationship. At the start of this year I had a football team wedding. One of the lads was getting married overseas. He invited me and my other half. I asked her about it over Christmas. She was given time and space and I made a point of not at all pressurising her. I expected her to say no but to my surprise she went all out and said "let's buy a new hat"! A few weeks later when we needed to book stuff, I was getting mixed signals. I went ahead and booked the flights and the hotel and hoped that this would be pre holiday jitters. It was more than that. She ended it a couple of weeks before the trip. I was heartbroken. 2 months passed and I assumed that would be the last time I would speak to her or see her. Then out of the blue she called and texted. She wanted to see me for just 5 mins to apologise and to set the record straight. I reluctantly agreed to meet her. I heard her out. She apologised for the lot. For bailing on the overseas wedding. For not putting a label on us in the 2 years, for not introducing me to her family, for not committing to a holiday. Everything I had wanted basically. She persisted with the texts. She started to offer to bring me cooked dinners to my office. She started to claim that she was broody. She arranged for me to meet her mum and then after that went well, I got to meet her mum and dad on another occasion. I liked them, they liked me and things were going really well. This time seemed different. She seemed to have changed. She seemed to be more committed. Was spending more time with me. Doing the basics of a normal relationship. I was invited to meet her sister and her husband for dinner. That got cancelled later though. We had agreed that we would go away later in the year. This was my main reason for taking her back. Alas when the time approached she started making excuses. Eventually she flatly refused to go away with me when I took away all of her excuses. I had been promised a full on holiday "anywhere you want" and ended up trying to compromise like the fool I was - offering to tag on 2 days to the end of a work trip that she had to take. Even that was turned down. Can you imagine how that made me feel? All the broken promises. All the lies. I was heartbroken. She promised me the world and then gave me nothing. That was about 2 months ago. She wouldn't compromise. I asked. I tried. I would have settled for a shitty weekend away - if only she had tried to make an effort. In all of the 3 years I knew her, we only had one weekend away in the countryside. Not once did we step on a plane. We had an amazing time and she told me on one of our walks how she loved me and realised how lucky she was to have me in her life. I thought I was getting somewhere. What I can't work out - and I need to - is why she always refused to go away with me? Why tell me stuff like " I can't wait to go to an airport with you" and then not follow through. What made her so scared. Another guy? A fear of commitment? I asked her and she never really gave me a proper answer. When we ended it for the last time she admitted that I did deserve more commitment but she was unable to do this. She said that if we went on holiday she would feel like the next step would be moving in together and that I would want more and more. I explained it was just a holiday but it was like talking to a brick wall. The final dagger to the heart was a few weeks ago. I walked into my local - and she was there on a date. I froze. I paused. I waved, walked past and then felt sick. So I left quickly. Her housemates too have started to go to my local bar too. I've bumped into them twice now. Each time that happens it makes it harder to move on as it brings back the memories of what we had. The answers to my questions though are still unanswered. I've not contacted her since we broke up. The last time we spoke I asked her to meet one friday. She initially agreed and was really keen. Then something changed and she said she didn't feel like she could. She wasn't sure she could give me the answers I was looking for so suggested we didn't meet. I took that to meaning that she was calling time on this again and so I thanked her for her honesty and didn't even blue tick the kisses she sent. And like that poof. She was gone again. Every so often I'll blame myself. I'll say was i too rash. Should I have moved the meeting to the sunday. Was I too hot headed. All of these questions flash though my head. Was the holiday that important. Maybe you could have just let that slide. The rest of it was ok, she was getting better. I'll never know. What I want to know now from you good people is the following. 1. Did she truly love me ever? 2. Why did always end it as the holiday was coming about (or when I was going away - twice I had trips away and she ended it with me before I went - thus ruining my holiday). 3. Is there a parallel guy she's doing the same to? 4. Do you think she will ever get back in touch - do I need to prepare for this? Thank you so very much for taking the time to read this and I appreciate any helpful comments. 1. Did she truly love me ever? That's a subjective thing which is hard to quantify but the truth is she's not fully emotionally available. So she's not capabale of loving anyone in a way that a healthy normally attached person is. 2. Why did always end it as the holiday was coming about (or when I was going away - twice I had trips away and she ended it with me before I went - thus ruining my holiday). Too close and intimate. Someone who is FA is terrified of intimacy but at the same time craves it. Hence the cycling and ambivilent behavior. They want it but when they get it the fear it invokes in them is so high they want to run away ,hence the pull away after getting too close. 3. Is there a parallel guy she's doing the same to? Possibly, between cycling or as a way to distance herself but that's hard to say and not everyone will do that. It's really something you would have to figure out based on what you saw in your situation personally. 4. Do you think she will ever get back in touch - do I need to prepare for this? She will be in touch more then likely because she will repeat this pattern with you ad infinitum until you either end it, or she gets self aware and working on herself to start addressing her challenges herself. Sorry you're going through this man, I know how difficult and confusing it can be, I was just going through similar myself at the end of the day what is most important is protecting yourself. Whether that means stronger boundaries and not repeating the cycle or having a serious talk about what's going on together that's your call. Keep in mind though even if you talk about things and there is receptivity it doesn't mean they are fully ready to start making those changes seriously either. |
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Post by stu on Oct 30, 2019 16:47:27 GMT
Hi everyone. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate it and any potential advice feedback. This is my story. About 3 years ago on a night out I met a girl. We clicked instantly. I was just out of a relationship and wasn't sure if I should dive straight into a new one with someone who was under 30 (she was 28 when we met). I always felt girls under 30 were a little less settled and less ready to commit without any games etc. So for the first 4 months I was the one being chased, and eventually I thought, she must be serious about me if she has stayed this long. The second I decided to commit to her and suggested I take her away for a romantic weekend in the country - boom. She turned the tables 180. Suddenly she was "not ready to commit" and had just had some news about her ex etc. She claimed that they had just sold their home - the one that they bought together. I'm not sure if this was even true but hey that's what she said so I bought it. Confused, I let her have her space and started to blame myself for taking too long to decide that I wanted to be with her. Out of the blue a few weeks later she got in touch. And so the story begins. On, off, on off, on, off. Ad infinitum. The sex was great. The connection was brilliant. The laughter and the jokes, all fantastic. Yet she kept finding reasons not to be with me officially. She didn't like doing presents. Christmas gifts were banned. One year she gave me something personal and I loved it. She'd known I had loved one of her art drawings. So she framed it and it was my present. It meant a lot. I thought we were making progress! Eventually we were an item of sorts. We never labelled it but it was basically that. She didn't like labels. She just wanted to hang out, do all the things that couples do, without the label and without the commitment. It lasted 8 weeks and then out of the blue one night, she told me it was over. I was shocked. Fast forward 4 weeks and she was back in touch. Each time this happened we'd have another 2-3 months together and then a break up. A pattern was forming. In total I think we had about 5 break ups. I genuinely have lost count. The pattern was always the same. The second we were getting closer, she'd pull away and dump me. It usually centred on me wanting to do a weekend away or a holiday. And so it continued. I'll fast forward to the last 2 iterations of the relationship. At the start of this year I had a football team wedding. One of the lads was getting married overseas. He invited me and my other half. I asked her about it over Christmas. She was given time and space and I made a point of not at all pressurising her. I expected her to say no but to my surprise she went all out and said "let's buy a new hat"! A few weeks later when we needed to book stuff, I was getting mixed signals. I went ahead and booked the flights and the hotel and hoped that this would be pre holiday jitters. It was more than that. She ended it a couple of weeks before the trip. I was heartbroken. 2 months passed and I assumed that would be the last time I would speak to her or see her. Then out of the blue she called and texted. She wanted to see me for just 5 mins to apologise and to set the record straight. I reluctantly agreed to meet her. I heard her out. She apologised for the lot. For bailing on the overseas wedding. For not putting a label on us in the 2 years, for not introducing me to her family, for not committing to a holiday. Everything I had wanted basically. She persisted with the texts. She started to offer to bring me cooked dinners to my office. She started to claim that she was broody. She arranged for me to meet her mum and then after that went well, I got to meet her mum and dad on another occasion. I liked them, they liked me and things were going really well. This time seemed different. She seemed to have changed. She seemed to be more committed. Was spending more time with me. Doing the basics of a normal relationship. I was invited to meet her sister and her husband for dinner. That got cancelled later though. We had agreed that we would go away later in the year. This was my main reason for taking her back. Alas when the time approached she started making excuses. Eventually she flatly refused to go away with me when I took away all of her excuses. I had been promised a full on holiday "anywhere you want" and ended up trying to compromise like the fool I was - offering to tag on 2 days to the end of a work trip that she had to take. Even that was turned down. Can you imagine how that made me feel? All the broken promises. All the lies. I was heartbroken. She promised me the world and then gave me nothing. That was about 2 months ago. She wouldn't compromise. I asked. I tried. I would have settled for a shitty weekend away - if only she had tried to make an effort. In all of the 3 years I knew her, we only had one weekend away in the countryside. Not once did we step on a plane. We had an amazing time and she told me on one of our walks how she loved me and realised how lucky she was to have me in her life. I thought I was getting somewhere. What I can't work out - and I need to - is why she always refused to go away with me? Why tell me stuff like " I can't wait to go to an airport with you" and then not follow through. What made her so scared. Another guy? A fear of commitment? I asked her and she never really gave me a proper answer. When we ended it for the last time she admitted that I did deserve more commitment but she was unable to do this. She said that if we went on holiday she would feel like the next step would be moving in together and that I would want more and more. I explained it was just a holiday but it was like talking to a brick wall. The final dagger to the heart was a few weeks ago. I walked into my local - and she was there on a date. I froze. I paused. I waved, walked past and then felt sick. So I left quickly. Her housemates too have started to go to my local bar too. I've bumped into them twice now. Each time that happens it makes it harder to move on as it brings back the memories of what we had. The answers to my questions though are still unanswered. I've not contacted her since we broke up. The last time we spoke I asked her to meet one friday. She initially agreed and was really keen. Then something changed and she said she didn't feel like she could. She wasn't sure she could give me the answers I was looking for so suggested we didn't meet. I took that to meaning that she was calling time on this again and so I thanked her for her honesty and didn't even blue tick the kisses she sent. And like that poof. She was gone again. Every so often I'll blame myself. I'll say was i too rash. Should I have moved the meeting to the sunday. Was I too hot headed. All of these questions flash though my head. Was the holiday that important. Maybe you could have just let that slide. The rest of it was ok, she was getting better. I'll never know. What I want to know now from you good people is the following. 1. Did she truly love me ever? 2. Why did always end it as the holiday was coming about (or when I was going away - twice I had trips away and she ended it with me before I went - thus ruining my holiday). 3. Is there a parallel guy she's doing the same to? 4. Do you think she will ever get back in touch - do I need to prepare for this? Thank you so very much for taking the time to read this and I appreciate any helpful comments. |
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Post by persephone on Oct 31, 2019 1:34:04 GMT
1. Did she truly love me ever? 2. Why did always end it as the holiday was coming about (or when I was going away - twice I had trips away and she ended it with me before I went - thus ruining my holiday). 3. Is there a parallel guy she's doing the same to? 4. Do you think she will ever get back in touch - do I need to prepare for this? Thank you so very much for taking the time to read this and I appreciate any helpful comments. You’ve basically asked all the questions most of us ask when we first get here. 1. Yes, FAs/ DAs can love. BUT, their definition of love is different from yours. They can adore and care about you — but not consistently. Jeb’s “Avoidant” book explains that they can’t connect their emotions when they look into their past memories, hence their inconsistencies with their feelings. Secures and APs can see a “landscape of feelings”, FA/ DA people probably cannot. So, when your ex said she loved you, she probably DID mean it, but only for that moment. The other thing is a lot of FAs/ DAs may think love = commitment, and because they can’t commit to you, they think they don’t love you. When you break up, the fear of engulfment goes away and only her love remains, so that’s why she will beg you to take her back. 2. Therapist Craig Kenneth explained this in one of his videos, he said holidays meant a lot of closeness and intimacy, which ofcourse is what triggers a FA/ DA. 3. Potentially, it depends on the individual. Some FA/ DAs know cheating is wrong and will not do it. Some will. But don’t think about that, it will only hurt you more if you do. 4. Yes, because it seems like a pattern. You can either a. Take her back and be stuck in that constant “anxious-avoidant dance”. She will probably not think what she is doing is that bad considering you are always willing to be so nice to her. Or, b. Not take her back, find someone else, as hard it is to hear. IF she seriously wants to commit to you and change for you, then maybe it could work out. But it’s a long and difficult process. See my post here as to why. |
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Post by stu on Oct 31, 2019 2:30:57 GMT
1. Did she truly love me ever? 2. Why did always end it as the holiday was coming about (or when I was going away - twice I had trips away and she ended it with me before I went - thus ruining my holiday). 3. Is there a parallel guy she's doing the same to? 4. Do you think she will ever get back in touch - do I need to prepare for this? Thank you so very much for taking the time to read this and I appreciate any helpful comments. You’ve basically asked all the questions most of us ask when we first get here. 1. Yes, FAs/ DAs can love. BUT, their definition of love is diffrerenr from yours. They can adore and care about you — but not consistently. Jeb’s “Avoidant book explains that they can’t connect their emotions when they look into their past memories, hence their inconsistencies with their feelings. Secures and APs can see a “landscape of feelings”, FA/ DA people probably cannot. So, when your ex said she loved you, she probably DID mean it, but only for that moment. The other thing is a lot of FAs/ DAs May think love = commitment, and because they can’t commit to you, they think they don’t love you. When you break up, the fear of engulfment goes away and only her love remains, so that’s why she will beg you to take her back. 2. Therapist Craig Kenneth explained this in one of his videos, he said holidays meant a lot of closeness and intimacy, which ofcourse is what triggers a FA/ DA. 3. Potentially, it depends on the individual. Some FA/ DAs know cheating is wrong and will not do it. Some will. But don’t think about that, it will only hurt you more if you do. 4. Yes, because it seems like a pattern. You can either a. Take her back and be stuck in that constant “anxious-avoidant dance”. She will probably not think what she is doing is that bad considering you are always willing to be so nice to her. Or, b. Not take her back, find someone else, as hard it is to hear. IF she seriously wants to commit to you and change for you, then maybe it could work out. But it’s a long and difficult process. See my post here as to why.The last part about it working if she seriously wants to commit to you and change then it could work. Is that really possible with an avoidant attachment? Changing for their partner? No matter how much they care about them or love them in the moment. Because often their subconcious will direct blame on the partner for distancing strategies they do to squelch intimacy and connection, as well as the de activations. I always assumed the only way it could work is if they are already in therapy and very self aware. Because they will often struggle with therapy jtself and have times they slip backwards or even lose trust in their therapists and drop out. Not to sound negative about it. Just what happens when you are dealing with someone who is built for self autonomy and survival beyond all else. |
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Post by nyc718 on Oct 31, 2019 2:49:56 GMT
You’ve basically asked all the questions most of us ask when we first get here. 1. Yes, FAs/ DAs can love. BUT, their definition of love is diffrerenr from yours. They can adore and care about you — but not consistently. Jeb’s “Avoidant book explains that they can’t connect their emotions when they look into their past memories, hence their inconsistencies with their feelings. Secures and APs can see a “landscape of feelings”, FA/ DA people probably cannot. So, when your ex said she loved you, she probably DID mean it, but only for that moment. The other thing is a lot of FAs/ DAs May think love = commitment, and because they can’t commit to you, they think they don’t love you. When you break up, the fear of engulfment goes away and only her love remains, so that’s why she will beg you to take her back. 2. Therapist Craig Kenneth explained this in one of his videos, he said holidays meant a lot of closeness and intimacy, which ofcourse is what triggers a FA/ DA. 3. Potentially, it depends on the individual. Some FA/ DAs know cheating is wrong and will not do it. Some will. But don’t think about that, it will only hurt you more if you do. 4. Yes, because it seems like a pattern. You can either a. Take her back and be stuck in that constant “anxious-avoidant dance”. She will probably not think what she is doing is that bad considering you are always willing to be so nice to her. Or, b. Not take her back, find someone else, as hard it is to hear. IF she seriously wants to commit to you and change for you, then maybe it could work out. But it’s a long and difficult process. See my post here as to why.The last part about it working if she seriously wants to commit to you and change then it could work. Is that really possible with an avoidant attachment? Changing for their partner? No matter how much they care about them or love them in the moment. Because often their subconcious will direct blame on the partner for distancing strategies they do to squelch intimacy and connection, as well as the de activations. I always assumed the only way it could work is if they are already in therapy and very self aware. Because they will often struggle with therapy jtself and have times they slip backwards or even lose trust in their therapists and drop out. Not to sound negative about it. Just what happens when you are dealing with someone who is built for self autonomy and survival beyond all else. I think it is possible, but it depends on how motivated they are and how far on the FA spectrum they are. Not all FAs are quite as extreme as your exgf, my FA bf does not do nor would he do a lot of the destructive things she does. My ex FA bf I could see not wanting to really change. He wants love and wants to be in a relationship, but at the same time, he is also pretty happy being free because he does tons of travel for his job and would not want to be tied down. I also see FAs here who have expressed they want to change, so.. |
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Post by stu on Oct 31, 2019 3:18:43 GMT
The last part about it working if she seriously wants to commit to you and change then it could work. Is that really possible with an avoidant attachment? Changing for their partner? No matter how much they care about them or love them in the moment. Because often their subconcious will direct blame on the partner for distancing strategies they do to squelch intimacy and connection, as well as the de activations. I always assumed the only way it could work is if they are already in therapy and very self aware. Because they will often struggle with therapy jtself and have times they slip backwards or even lose trust in their therapists and drop out. Not to sound negative about it. Just what happens when you are dealing with someone who is built for self autonomy and survival beyond all else. I think it is possible, but it depends on how motivated they are and how far on the FA spectrum they are. Not all FAs are quite as extreme as your exgf, my FA bf does not do nor would he do a lot of the destructive things she does. My ex FA bf I could see not wanting to really change. He wants love and wants to be in a relationship, but at the same time, he is also pretty happy being free because he does tons of travel for his job and would not want to be tied down. I also see FAs here who have expressed they want to change, so.. That's very true, I guess I meant the difference beyond wanting to change for someone else vs wanting to change for yourself. Of course this is all on a spectrum and each person is going to be in a different place and with their own unique quirks and intricacies. Still the distancing and de activations are like anti relationship strategies and do things to challenge that connection, if not outright destroy it if they are like the girl I was seeing. But everyone is in a different place and that's why being self aware and really desiring to work on yourself or perhaps valuing a partner enough to want to risk those changes is so important |
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Post by suarez9 on Oct 31, 2019 9:51:41 GMT
Thank you all so much. It's so reassuring to hear I'm not alone and you've all nailed this as "classic FA". I'll continue to do some reading around the topic. Thank you all again. Sincerely.
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Post by persephone on Oct 31, 2019 9:59:03 GMT
4. Yes, because it seems like a pattern. You can either a. Take her back and be stuck in that constant “anxious-avoidant dance”. She will probably not think what she is doing is that bad considering you are always willing to be so nice to her. Or, b. Not take her back, find someone else, as hard it is to hear. IF she seriously wants to commit to you and change for you, then maybe it could work out. But it’s a long and difficult process. See my post here as to why.The last part about it working if she seriously wants to commit to you and change then it could work. Is that really possible with an avoidant attachment? Changing for their partner? No matter how much they care about them or love them in the moment. Because often their subconcious will direct blame on the partner for distancing strategies they do to squelch intimacy and connection, as well as the de activations. I always assumed the only way it could work is if they are already in therapy and very self aware. Because they will often struggle with therapy jtself and have times they slip backwards or even lose trust in their therapists and drop out. Not to sound negative about it. Just what happens when you are dealing with someone who is built for self autonomy and survival beyond all else. Well, it’s a big if. I did say maybe it will work out, and my link to my earlier post mentions changing attachment styles is a slow, difficult process that usually has to involve professional help. Here is a supposed story of an author who managed to change her Avoidant attachment style, she says she still has moments when her gut is telling her to deactivate, but she’s learned to ignore them. I don’t meant “changing for their partner” as in the FA/ DA will change for someone else. I mean as in “change to be together with their partners,” instead of dumping them for someone else. If the FA/ DA has realised that despite their gut telling them their partner is the enemy, they have realised that it is not true, and it is their brain wiring is what makes them unhappy, then that is a step in the right direction. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of FA/ DAs will probably not change. Most will think they’ve just been unlucky in love, The One is out there, I miss my Phantom Ex, etc. Thank you all so much. It's so reassuring to hear I'm not alone and you've all nailed this as "classic FA". I'll continue to do some reading around the topic. Thank you all again. Sincerely. You’re welcome! I would recommend to read Amir Levine’s “Attached” and Jeb Kinnison’s “Avoidant”. I found it to be eye-opening and it gave my closure that was missing from my breakup. Therapist Craig Kenneth also has a lot of Youtube videos, a large portion of them feature Avoidant partners. |
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Post by suarez9 on Oct 31, 2019 11:35:24 GMT
I'm looking through them now. Loads to get through. Which is the holiday one?
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Post by dhali on Oct 31, 2019 16:53:14 GMT
There is no book on the avoidant's reluctance to take a holiday. It's just too much time together for them. You might even have the best time ever, but there's a high likelihood of them deactivating afterwards. Why? Because it's too intimate for their comfort. I don't think you're holding a winning hand.
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Post by persephone on Nov 1, 2019 1:08:58 GMT
I'm looking through them now. Loads to get through. Which is the holiday one? Amir Levine’s book very briefly mentions vacation woes experienced by one of his clients. Therapist Craig Kenneth mentions it in passing in one of his Youtube videos — he said a lot of breakups occur before or after that because it is too much intimacy. The FA/ DA might not know why, just that they don’t like it. They still want intimacy, but something feels “off”. So, unaware FAs/ DAs will think it is you that is the problem, hence why they must break up. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 6, 2019 6:00:07 GMT
I'm looking through them now. Loads to get through. Which is the holiday one? Amir Levine’s book very briefly mentions vacation woes experienced by one of his clients. Therapist Craig Kenneth mentions it in passing in one of his Youtube videos — he said a lot of breakups occur before or after that because it is too much intimacy. The FA/ DA might not know why, just that they don’t like it. They still want intimacy, but something feels “off”. So, unaware FAs/ DAs will think it is you that is the problem, hence why they must break up. - Yes, so true about avoidance to vacations or even day trips! When our 6 month anniversary was coming up with my DA I mentioned it would be nice to book something and get away together for a few days, he instantly got uncomfortable and offered up excuses (such as his dog) as to why he couldn’t go. These red flags were there for me early on in the relationship, but I didn’t know what they meant- I often assumed he was just a homebody- which he does like to stay in most of the time and is a loner but I didn’t know to connect any of his behavior to attachment style. That trip never happened and he broke up with me a couple days before our 6 month anniversary. So odd too that even though he was off every Friday in the summer and I have the entire summer off- we never got in the car and took a day trip together. We went to the grocery store together exactly once and he told me after that it was a huge step for him!! I thought it ridiculous at the time bc I had been married 25 years and thought absolutely nothing about running errands by my partner’s side- doing just about anything with my partner was natural to me. At the time of our break up he said he didn’t know if it was him, me or us but he said he didn’t want to take me out on date nights anymore and he didn’t want to lay in bed w me all day anymore or plan a trip together. Then for two years we saw each other with him emotionally shut down and he broke up with me a month ago...in a text. He did that when I pushed for more. When someone is half in- believe them!!! He doesn’t know why he feels the need to pull away- he just knows intimacy is uncomfortable and he told me he feels incapable and I should move on. Very cut, dry and business like to him. Very easy for him to leave....after 2.5 years of an exclusive relationship. Longest one since his 5 year marriage. |
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