|
|
Post by alexandra on Nov 4, 2019 0:31:18 GMT
bohemianraspberry, it actually really doesn't sound messy to me. It sounds like you're dealing with typical FA issues and patterns. It's not about gender, it's about attachment, and likely his comments when looked at most deeply stem from his dynamic with his mom. But that's not for you to untangle, as you're not his therapist. You have to decide your role in this and if what he can give, right now without ever changing, meets your needs.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2019 1:16:23 GMT
this is then not a problem of vulnerability and masculinity. This is a man making excuses for himself and you taking all the work on yourself while expecting and hoping that he would do more. The only way it is better for your self-respect is for you to stop doing things that you feel overextended doing -- that is why it's called SELF respect. Those gender roles he's saying - complete bullshit. To me, if he wants to play gender roles, then I would expect him to be marrying you and paying a hefty dowry and bringing home satisfactory bacon. Is he? If he is not, then why are you expected to fulfil those gender roles? I expect a mutually fulfiling and satisfying relationship to be one in which BOTH parties fulfil their roles, however defined, traditional or not.
so it just sounds like you wish he will take on more of the emotional and mental labour of the relationship to equalize the demands, but he WILL NOT because of "gender roles" and "masculinity", both imposed by you and him as constraints/excuses.
|
|
|
|
Post by iz42 on Nov 4, 2019 2:10:30 GMT
@bohemianraspberry what do you think would happen if you stepped back completely and let him initiate? I totally understand the fear that things would fall apart and you wouldn't see him, but it sounds like you're keeping this going and eventually you're going to resent him for that. I get how this seems like it's about gender - you want him to be "masculine" and take the lead - but he is playing out avoidant behavior and the pattern is already set.
On an unrelated note, honestly the comments he's made about women sound sort of sexist to me. Maybe he's projecting because of a negative experience with his mom, but either way, he has a lot going on.
|
|
