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Post by happyidiot on Nov 6, 2019 2:43:05 GMT
We started on social media, then he gave me his number and we text a bit Saturday night. Then Monday I text to say it was nice to meet him...nothing. I'm not sure what part of the world you are in, but where I live it is Tuesday so it has only been one day since you texted him. You don't yet know his texting behavior, typical response time etc, you don't know him well enough to know if he is could possibly be busy doing something that precludes texting (away on a trip, hosting guests, whatever), and your text was not a question or anything pressing. It's not the the best sign that he hasn't replied, but I definitely do not think it requires a dramatic text to announce that you are taking this to mean your date this weekend is off. That idea sounds very AP to me, sorry @shiningstar . I personally know a couple wonderful secure guys that are sporadic and forgetful texters. And honestly, when you haven't even had a first date with someone yet, the person might just not be that invested in you yet. Lack of investment when you haven't even gone on one date yet isn't a red flag in and of itself. alexandra made a good point that it might be evidence that at minimum he is not a very considerate and timely texter and if so is that something that you could live with? Our imaginations tend to take us into dark places in the absence of communication, particularly if we have an anxious side. I say be patient and wait for more information before jumping to conclusions. Not everyone in this day and age constantly has their phone in their hand, and everyone forgets to reply to a text once in a while. I really like the idea of just not sending any additional texts and seeing what he does. If he forgets about your date because you didn't text him to remind him, then that says a lot. If he has any sense he will at least get ahold of you to confirm the day before or the morning of. If he doesn't, let him go. He was sober when he asked you out, he remembers. |
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 6, 2019 3:18:49 GMT
Ill say this as a person that has had relationships with mostly secures... There was mutual chasing, no doubts if they would contact, etc. Its just flowed even if we didnt work out in the end. Even some here have dated secures but may have found them boring. Did you actually doubt they were there for you though? I gather not really, you knew from what Ive read. Not to say this is how it is for all but doubt, flaky communication, etc is time to run. Someone in it to win it, youre going to just know. They let you know without even saying it. Actions speak, not words.
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 6, 2019 3:35:51 GMT
I'll also add, Im not a big texter at all and I have a very busy life. Right now my work is consuming me so to speak. If Im interested in someone I would never let them hang and not reply. Ever. It may take me a few hours but I will ALWAYS respond/make the time to so that person knows Im interested.
Im sorry no matter how busy one is if they have real interest/emotionally healthy they will always communicate. If as busy as I am can, there is just not an excuse to at least say Im so busy lets chat in a few days!
People that want you in their life/emotionally healthy wont behave in a way to loose you.
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Post by happyidiot on Nov 6, 2019 4:58:23 GMT
Ill say this as a person that has had relationships with mostly secures... There was mutual chasing, no doubts if they would contact, etc. Its just flowed even if we didnt work out in the end. Even some here have dated secures but may have found them boring. Did you actually doubt they were there for you though? I gather not really, you knew from what Ive read. Not to say this is how it is for all but doubt, flaky communication, etc is time to run. Someone in it to win it, youre going to just know. They let you know without even saying it. Actions speak, not words.
Was it like that with every single secure person you have ever dated before you even went out on your first date? Did you really "just know" from the moment you met them? Because I didn't. An insecure person can still wonder if someone is actually "there for us," regardless of the other person's attachment type or interest level. I remember, for example, at one point worrying my very secure ex (who I ended up with for years) was going to leave me because he had previously been in serious relationships with women who had much more prestigious jobs and better education. That was my own insecurity. I agree that the fact that it's been one day and this guy hasn't responded to a text (albeit the type of text that does not contain any questions, mind you) may be a sign that he is not super excited about her (yet) or thinking of her a lot, but I'm just saying a little more time is needed before jumping to conclusions, that's all. That's something that people with a strong anxious side need to learn, not to fill in the blanks. Maybe you didn't worry about if people you have dated would contact you because you are mostly secure. Maybe the secure thing would be not to worry about this at all, to remember there are plenty of fish in the sea, and just see if he sticks to the date or not and decide how to proceed then, moving on if he doesn't? That's what I do when I'm feeling at my most secure. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2019 6:24:30 GMT
"He messaged me, asked me on a date and gave me his number. He stopped messaging at one point but I assumed he'd just gone to bed as it was late and he was sober.
A couple of days later I messaged him to say I was glad to have met him and hoped he was having a nice weekend...and nothing. No response."
In my reading, he stopped replying her first. When she picked up the conversation by texting him, he did not reply. The time between setting the date and the date is pretty long, and during that time, if the silence discomfits you, it discomfits you. I've went out with someone like that. We'll set a date for 2/3 weeks later, not talk during the time, and then meet up at the agreed upon date time and location. I was accepting of that only because I was online dating, but it was pretty clear to me that he thought I was interesting but he was not interested in me (signs of attachment issues though, but I didn't confirm. just took it as a lack of interest.)
The secure thing, in my opinion, is not to worry about whether or not you are interesting, and why hasn't he replied, and what to do about it. Decide on your own boundaries and needs, and then execute those decisions. He is free to demonstrate his interest in his own ways, and if need be, you can have a conversation about aligning them WHEN he steps up to it. If you are comfortable waiting to see if he shows up at the date, then just wait and see what happens! This is a chance to practice being and feeling secure; the actions really don't matter that much.
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Post by happyidiot on Nov 6, 2019 6:42:40 GMT
@shiningstar Yeah I agree. I don't think this delay in replying is a good sign, but I think it's an opportunity to practice being secure and seeing what he does as opposed to anxiously filling in all the worst possible reasons for his silence.
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Post by hannah99 on Nov 6, 2019 6:55:27 GMT
I know little about him except he had a super busy job. The date is nearly two weeks away cause it was his first day off.
Think I'll see if he texts me and drop a text the day before it he doesn't.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2019 12:09:12 GMT
It may be he doesn't take this seriously at all because he was sober and you were drunk. Just something to keep in mind. His experience of the whole exchange was different to yours. If he ghosted the convo without saying good night and has not replied, that's a good sign of disinterest.
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Post by hannah99 on Nov 6, 2019 14:03:13 GMT
He arranged the date and said he was very glad I'd contacted him. I dunno. Not too invested but would like to see him.
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Post by lovebunny on Nov 6, 2019 14:48:31 GMT
I personally wouldn't text him again, except maybe right before the night you're supposed to go out to confirm date. You haven't even gone out together yet, so I wouldn't expect him to be invested, doesn't mean he never will be. On the other hand, I, personally, am AP, so if I'm into someone, I'd definitely text them back after they texted me.
Here's a question: When you're online dating, and you ask someone a question, and they answer, but they don't ask you a question back, do you try to keep the conversation going with another question? For me, personally, if I don't ask something back, it's a sign of low interest. Otherwise, I'll try to keep the convo going by asking something back. Are people who don't disinterested, or just not skilled at the art of conversation and maybe they're worth trying to draw them out?
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Post by hannah99 on Nov 6, 2019 15:55:51 GMT
I'm terrible for replying without asking a question. Doesn't necessarily mean I'm not interested. Just busy at work.
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Post by lovebunny on Nov 7, 2019 13:31:09 GMT
I'm terrible for replying without asking a question. Doesn't necessarily mean I'm not interested. Just busy at work. I can understand that. Do you then eventually say a second thing to continue the conversation, or just expect the other person to keep asking questions and carry the whole thing? It's extra confusing because I'm a woman dating women, so there's no traditional pursuer-pursued role, and I just feel like I should give up if the woman replies but then does nothing to carry the conversation forward. It feels like she's not interested or enthusiastic about getting to know me, so I drop it. |
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Post by hannah99 on Nov 7, 2019 20:25:05 GMT
Might do if I realise later I have been a bad conversationalist
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Post by hannah99 on Nov 10, 2019 21:21:56 GMT
He messaged me today asking how I was etc. Then the texts dried up again. Thinking he might just be super busy and bad at texting. Our date is on Saturday so I'm gonna message him Friday to confirm...
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