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Post by howpredictable on Jan 9, 2018 1:54:23 GMT
howpredictable, I am curious how the relationship started with another DA? Did you become anxious? As a DA, I am not attracted to other DAs and I can't even think of how that could get off the ground. Yes, I have been DA with many, many other relationships. However, when I met this much more severely Avoidant person, he felt "safe" for me to get to know, because he was very emotionally non-threatening. But that only lasted for a short while, because I became very Anxious in response to his DA tendencies. I learned that it's really no fun on either side of this dysfunctional equation. |
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Post by DAgirl on Jan 9, 2018 13:41:42 GMT
I am SO HAPPY to have found this forum and post. I have been wondering WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I read your thread and it is exactly how I feel at all times. I wish I did not feel this way. It makes me feel as though I am going to be alone forever and live a meaningless life, or settle with someone I am not going to be happy with for the sake of settling. The only successful way I have found anyone to break through those barriers is to not be pressured. Do not ask me about "us," do not keep initiating constant contact, do not ask me to share feelings... I prefer someone who is lighthearted and who will just "let things be," and allow me to like them first. But I feel bad, because it is like asking them to "pretend not to like me," and that they are not allowed to express themselves out of fear I will dump them. Sadly I have found that the only people who give me this space I need are narcissists or similar - that only make the problem I have so much worse after the fact. I retreat even further and it has become impossible to "love/like" again. It feels fake and forced to me. I keep reading about how to deal with someone "like me," but I have yet to find any information on how to change my behavior other than "go see a counselor." Which I do not want to do because sadly I don't care. But I REALLY WANT TO. I just want to be normal.  Thankfully I have children and that gives me someone to reciprocate love with, because I have raised them completely opposite of how I was raised and do not want them to be like me. It also feels safe because they pretty much have to love me and cannot hurt me... and it is a meaningful love; not the fake adult/relationship love that I feel like every relationship is or will be. However, as they get older and more independent, I get more and more anxious about them leaving. Then I will have no one "real." Well that was an embarrassing display of feelings... but that's the beauty of online anonymity.  |
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Post by scheme00 on Jan 9, 2018 17:54:16 GMT
I am SO HAPPY to have found this forum and post. I have been wondering WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I read your thread and it is exactly how I feel at all times. I wish I did not feel this way. It makes me feel as though I am going to be alone forever and live a meaningless life, or settle with someone I am not going to be happy with for the sake of settling. The only successful way I have found anyone to break through those barriers is to not be pressured. Do not ask me about "us," do not keep initiating constant contact, do not ask me to share feelings... I prefer someone who is lighthearted and who will just "let things be," and allow me to like them first. But I feel bad, because it is like asking them to "pretend not to like me," and that they are not allowed to express themselves out of fear I will dump them. Sadly I have found that the only people who give me this space I need are narcissists or similar - that only make the problem I have so much worse after the fact. I retreat even further and it has become impossible to "love/like" again. It feels fake and forced to me. I keep reading about how to deal with someone "like me," but I have yet to find any information on how to change my behavior other than "go see a counselor." Which I do not want to do because sadly I don't care. But I REALLY WANT TO. I just want to be normal. Thankfully I have children and that gives me someone to reciprocate love with, because I have raised them completely opposite of how I was raised and do not want them to be like me. It also feels safe because they pretty much have to love me and cannot hurt me... and it is a meaningful love; not the fake adult/relationship love that I feel like every relationship is or will be. However, as they get older and more independent, I get more and more anxious about them leaving. Then I will have no one "real." Well that was an embarrassing display of feelings... but that's the beauty of online anonymity. Thank you for sharing, I'm glad you're here...it's a great step to try to understand yourself more on the path to becoming happier and a better partner. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2018 20:39:49 GMT
The only successful way I have found anyone to break through those barriers is to not be pressured. Do not ask me about "us," do not keep initiating constant contact, do not ask me to share feelings... I prefer someone who is lighthearted and who will just "let things be," and allow me to like them first. But I feel bad, because it is like asking them to "pretend not to like me," and that they are not allowed to express themselves out of fear I will dump them. Sadly I have found that the only people who give me this space I need are narcissists or similar - that only make the problem I have so much worse after the fact. I retreat even further and it has become impossible to "love/like" again. It feels fake and forced to me. Crissy, would you be willing to read my post "No Compliments, Please" in the DA board. I'm curious if you can relate. |
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Post by kelvain on Jan 10, 2018 2:57:16 GMT
I am SO HAPPY to have found this forum and post. I have been wondering WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I read your thread and it is exactly how I feel at all times. I wish I did not feel this way. It makes me feel as though I am going to be alone forever and live a meaningless life, or settle with someone I am not going to be happy with for the sake of settling. The only successful way I have found anyone to break through those barriers is to not be pressured. Do not ask me about "us," do not keep initiating constant contact, do not ask me to share feelings... I prefer someone who is lighthearted and who will just "let things be," and allow me to like them first. But I feel bad, because it is like asking them to "pretend not to like me," and that they are not allowed to express themselves out of fear I will dump them. Sadly I have found that the only people who give me this space I need are narcissists or similar - that only make the problem I have so much worse after the fact. I retreat even further and it has become impossible to "love/like" again. It feels fake and forced to me. I keep reading about how to deal with someone "like me," but I have yet to find any information on how to change my behavior other than "go see a counselor." Which I do not want to do because sadly I don't care. But I REALLY WANT TO. I just want to be normal. Thankfully I have children and that gives me someone to reciprocate love with, because I have raised them completely opposite of how I was raised and do not want them to be like me. It also feels safe because they pretty much have to love me and cannot hurt me... and it is a meaningful love; not the fake adult/relationship love that I feel like every relationship is or will be. However, as they get older and more independent, I get more and more anxious about them leaving. Then I will have no one "real." Well that was an embarrassing display of feelings... but that's the beauty of online anonymity. Hi Crissy. Great to meet you. I am a recovering Anxious-Preoccupied. I am striving to be Secure and pleased to openly say that I am well on my way. First I'd like to say that there is no such thing as normal. We are all unique in our own ways. It is what defines us as individuals. However, if you really want to change your behavior, for whatever your personal reasons are, let me be the first to assure you that it is absolutely doable. You just have to make the decision to change. Speak it out loud to yourself. Heck, stand up and shout it to the universe. Proclaim who you really are and embrace it. Write an affirmation down, declaring who you are, and keep it handy so you can look at it every day whenever you feel you need to. I did this myself and it really helps. Most of all, believe in yourself and that you can achieve anything you put your mind to, including changing your thought patterns and beliefs. I did it. It takes consistent effort whereas at first you have to force yourself to consciously change your thinking but, it works and it soon becomes your "normal" way of thinking. You will even get headaches from it at first. I had this happen to me. But in the end if you really want to change, you totally can. Especially since you are self aware. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2018 14:46:10 GMT
crissy, your post resonates. Now I wonder if I'm a little Avoidant myself...I feel very uncomfortable about sleeping over, I need alone time and I also seem to date DAs!
I too prefer to enjoy the moment rather than to have The Talk, it is a lot of unnecessary pressure, and if I'm not into my partner, I can't get into a relationship no matter how nice and attentive they are.
I think I can only be "into" someone if I can converse and relate to them about subjects that interest me.
I feel overwhelmed if the quality of the time spent with someone is unfulfilling, be it a friend or a boyfriend.
So if it's going well, keep going....don't try to have The Talk!
The difference is that I need my partner to be more into me than I'm into them to feel secure in the relationship, so I might break up if I feel that they don't seem to be making enough efforts, even if I like them a lot. This is where perhaps I'm more FA than DA.
Bravo about trying to get closer to Secure, I hope you stay and share about your own journey.
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Post by yasmin on Jan 10, 2018 17:25:04 GMT
I need alone time If I'm not into my partner, I can't get into a relationship no matter how nice and attentive they are. I think I can only be "into" someone if I can converse and relate to them about subjects that interest me. I feel overwhelmed if the quality of the time spent with someone is unfulfilling, be it a friend or a boyfriend. The difference is that I need my partner to be more into me than I'm into them to feel secure in the relationship, so I might break up if I feel that they don't seem to be making enough efforts, even if I like them a lot. This is where perhaps I'm more FA than DA. All these statements are exactly how I am curious. I am FA! I have broken up with LOTS of people I really liked because they didn't seem into me enough but at the same time if someone seems to into me before I am into them I am repulsed! Complex, I know. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 10, 2018 17:34:14 GMT
crissy, your post resonates. Now I wonder if I'm a little Avoidant myself...I feel very uncomfortable about sleeping over, I need alone time and I also seem to date DAs! I too prefer to enjoy the moment rather than to have The Talk, it is a lot of unnecessary pressure, and if I'm not into my partner, I can't get into a relationship no matter how nice and attentive they are. I think I can only be "into" someone if I can converse and relate to them about subjects that interest me. I feel overwhelmed if the quality of the time spent with someone is unfulfilling, be it a friend or a boyfriend. So if it's going well, keep going....don't try to have The Talk! The difference is that I need my partner to be more into me than I'm into them to feel secure in the relationship, so I might break up if I feel that they don't seem to be making enough efforts, even if I like them a lot. This is where perhaps I'm more FA than DA. Bravo about trying to get closer to Secure, I hope you stay and share about your own journey. Wow....I was actually going to ask about the "partner being more into you than you are into them" because my ex stated he has only ever dated girls that pursued him.....which did not strike me as a DA trait. Thank you....that was one of many fascinating aspects of my ex that made it hard to determine his attachment style. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2018 17:34:44 GMT
All these statements are exactly how I am curious. I am FA! I have broken up with LOTS of people I really liked because they didn't seem into me enough but at the same time if someone seems to into me before I am into them I am repulsed! Complex, I know. Oh snap!  You're probably exasperating for a lot of men too... Btw, I'm the one you mentioned who described an ideal living arrangement as close neighbors with a connecting portal, providing the option of getting together or staying apart without any uncertainty or insecurity.  However, there are also unconscious processes at work, it's actually scientific. They did a t-shirt experiment where they gave some plain t-shirts worn for a few days by some men and gave them to a group of women. The women would pick the t-shirts they preferred blind, without ever knowing or seeing the men. The scientists then checked their DNA and compared them - the women inevitably picked the men whose DNA Rhesus gene is furthest from theirs. The exDA told me it is extremely rare for him to feel attraction, and he believes it's the subconscious at work. Attraction is not a choice! I think those of us who are sure of our partners' attraction for us have more room for maneuver, what jayber mentioned as "power" over the other partner. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2018 17:38:12 GMT
Wow....I was actually going to ask about the "partner being more into you than you are into them" because my ex stated he has only ever dated girls that pursued him.....which did not strike me as a DA trait. Thank you....that was one of many fascinating aspects of my ex that made it hard to determine his attachment style. You might be right about him! It's really playing a little detective because an FA is probably too proud to admit to wanting attention, we're afraid to sound needy. We have our pride.  ...due to insecurity.  If he's FA rather than DA, you might not be pursuing enough. If he is DA then he truly needs his space. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 10, 2018 17:54:03 GMT
Wow....I was actually going to ask about the "partner being more into you than you are into them" because my ex stated he has only ever dated girls that pursued him.....which did not strike me as a DA trait. Thank you....that was one of many fascinating aspects of my ex that made it hard to determine his attachment style. You might be right about him! It's really playing a little detective because an FA is probably too proud to admit to wanting attention, we're afraid to sound needy. We have our pride. ...due to insecurity. If he's FA rather than DA, you might not be pursuing enough. If he is DA then he truly needs his space. Well..that is the really interesting thing about him.....he seems to have select FA traits.....but mainly displayed (what I interpreted as) DA traits with me. He is very close chested about his feelings and sometimes it really felt like trying to read Braille trying to figure him out. These things I know for sure about him...1. He needs to define himself....if I accidentally told someone he loved something when he only liked it...he had to correct me. 2. He liked compliments...up to a point..as long as they were realistic, did not contain any hint of an expectation and were not stated in front of other people (unless it was about his choice in music) 3. He needed time alone...with his friend and with his hobbies...but usually would not devulge what he was up to. 4. He did not like conflict at all |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2018 18:07:05 GMT
Well..that is the really interesting thing about him.....he seems to have select FA traits.....but mainly displayed (what I interpreted as) DA traits with me. He is very close chested about his feelings and sometimes it really felt like trying to read Braille trying to figure him out. These things I know for sure about him...1. He needs to define himself....if I accidentally told someone he loved something when he only liked it...he had to correct me. 2. He liked compliments...up to a point..as long as they were realistic, did not contain any hint of an expectation and were not stated in front of other people (unless it was about his choice in music) 3. He needed time alone...with his friend and with his hobbies...but usually would not devulge what he was up to. 4. He did not like conflict at all If you know what he is like, and if you know for sure that he is attracted to you, then I think he will return. Attraction is like a magnet, he can't pull away and he will return eventually. And when he does then you need to follow his rules and not ask him to change to suit your attachment style, while working on self-soothing and developing your own life away from him. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 10, 2018 18:21:20 GMT
Well..that is the really interesting thing about him.....he seems to have select FA traits.....but mainly displayed (what I interpreted as) DA traits with me. He is very close chested about his feelings and sometimes it really felt like trying to read Braille trying to figure him out. These things I know for sure about him...1. He needs to define himself....if I accidentally told someone he loved something when he only liked it...he had to correct me. 2. He liked compliments...up to a point..as long as they were realistic, did not contain any hint of an expectation and were not stated in front of other people (unless it was about his choice in music) 3. He needed time alone...with his friend and with his hobbies...but usually would not devulge what he was up to. 4. He did not like conflict at all If you know what he is like, and if you know for sure that he is attracted to you, then I think he will return. Attraction is like a magnet, he can't pull away and he will return eventually. And when he does then you need to follow his rules and not ask him to change to suit your attachment style, while working on self-soothing and developing your own life away from him. Thanks curious. I own the fact that I made a lot of mistakes...and that is why I am committed to changing me. I earlier said that I hope you are right...but that is just wishful thinking....this is where I think he lands more DA then FA....once he is through with a relationship....he is good with a friendship...but I don't think he ever goes back because he has spent so much time considering all the ways I am not the one. I also think that I have been trying to oversell me. Look at what you are losing...look at how much I care and love and respect you. Why would you want to go anywhere else. But in that effort...I think I have only managed to make his choice about me clearer. He cares about me.....but doesn't want to date me again and certainly doesn't want to marry me. |
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...due to insecurity. 