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Post by faithopelove on Nov 7, 2019 21:24:15 GMT
Walking or journaling may help and definitely be careful who you confide in. It is hurtful when one’s deactivation is directed at just you. I remember my DA being light, loving and friendly on the phone w his daughter this summer and it made me realize how shut down and careful he is with me not to show expression or act overly happy...so I wouldn’t get the “wrong idea.”
Just try to remember it takes a fleeting half a second to like a post on FB so it’s not like he put effort or made an investment. And without any suggestive comments I’d take it as being triggered by this act bc he’s not giving you any attention at the moment, which says more about him and you, then it does about his interest in her. Question those negative thoughts. Insecures must do this. Avoidants must question their negative thoughts about their partners and AP’s must question their negative thoughts about themselves, until new thought patterns are established. Hope you’re feeling better soon 🤞
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Post by iz42 on Nov 7, 2019 22:58:39 GMT
It sounds like you've been thrown into a triggered state and I'm sorry it's so painful. I hope that you start to feel better soon, though I know from experience that it can take some time to recover. I've had friends say very insensitive things in similar situations and I know how hurtful it can be.
I think what faithlovehope said is useful, but I would be careful about reading anything into his "like" either way. You've been essentially out of touch with him for a while and it's impossible to know who he is or isn't communicating with and what's going on behind the scenes. It's just not possible to know. It sounds like you know him pretty well, but there is a lot that has gone unsaid in the past few months. I understand the desire to know what he's thinking, but until you actually talk to him, this is all going to be in the realm of fantasy. And the longer it goes on, it's probably going to get harder to break out of the cycle.
I think it would be great to tell him that it's hard when he disappears and you're not sure if you're ever going to hear back from him. You could see how he responds to that.
Have you found your therapist to be helpful with these challenges?
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 8, 2019 0:02:23 GMT
It sounds like you've been thrown into a triggered state and I'm sorry it's so painful. I hope that you start to feel better soon, though I know from experience that it can take some time to recover. I've had friends say very insensitive things in similar situations and I know how hurtful it can be. I think what faithlovehope said is useful, but I would be careful about reading anything into his "like" either way. You've been essentially out of touch with him for a while and it's impossible to know who he is or isn't communicating with and what's going on behind the scenes. It's just not possible to know. It sounds like you know him pretty well, but there is a lot that has gone unsaid in the past few months. I understand the desire to know what he's thinking, but until you actually talk to him, this is all going to be in the realm of fantasy. And the longer it goes on, it's probably going to get harder to break out of the cycle. I think it would be great to tell him that it's hard when he disappears and you're not sure if you're ever going to hear back from him. You could see how he responds to that. Have you found your therapist to be helpful with these challenges? - I agree at this point it’s best to initiate contact and be direct. Put the ball in his court. That way you don’t need to wonder and grow more anxious. |
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Post by happyidiot on Nov 8, 2019 2:50:37 GMT
Social media is scientifically bad for your mental health! Deleting Facebook is one of the best things that I did for my mental health and to help heal my AP side. Why not give it a try?
Feeling into your pain and weeping for your childhood abandonment hurts but pain is necessary for growth. We have to feel this stuff to move through it. It's ok to be in pain. If we can allow ourselves to feel it and its origins it will have less power over us.
Here's a trick I learned for when I feel embarrassed about sharing things with friends. Practice gratitude. Do not apologize or hide, just tell them thank you so much for listening or being supportive or whatever. This really helps, to just thank people every time I feel awkward, ashamed, like a burden or like I've overshared. Even those people that may have made me feel worse since it seemed like they didn't get it or I felt like they thought I was overreacting. Thanking people makes me feel less shameful, sorry and dumb, and it makes the other person view it differently as well. Even if they were being insensitive or didn't understand/empathize, if you thank them then it can turn things. I just said this the other day to a friend who I had been talking about my relationship troubles to: "I really appreciate that I have friends that I can talk to about this." That friend was someone who I'm pretty sure doesn't get what I'm going through at all and is also a bit self-centered so doesn't care to listen to people's problems, but it turned things and he said something like, "Of course! Any time," and asked some questions.
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Post by serenity on Nov 8, 2019 9:31:11 GMT
Hi Caroline <3
You're going to be okay in a few days, I promise. To me its understandable that you feel gaslit in this situation; the social media contact has become your main thread of remaining communication together. Its natural that this could feel like a betrayal and arouse suspicion. If he was communicating normally and acting reasurringly, even as a friend, a social media like would mean nothing at all.
Something you could possibly consider, if you are open to being platonic friends while he goes through depression, is explicitly suggesting some contact that is non sexual? Someone else said they suggested this to their FA and it helped him get over his `hump' with not wanting to spend time together. It might be exactly what he needs to hear.
You never know, meds can give some guys erectile dysfunction, imagine if he's got that and has no idea how talk about it? That would be hard for any guy, not just avoidants. it would be so good for you to get to the bottom of his strange behaviour anyway. I really hope that you will <3
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 8, 2019 13:28:44 GMT
Thanks everyone. Today I just felt stupid and exhausted. It’s like I know what I need to do yet I just am crippled. I think this is my AP narrative based on two past crappy situations with guys, but I just can’t stop worrying about what if I “got played.” I reallllly don’t think he’s like that (he doesn’t have that much game and he’s so awkward - which I didn’t mind), it’s been so different than those guys, and he said there wasn’t anyone else. And obviously it doesn’t matter if he is now or then, but I just have a hard time not going there and then comparing to any possible person. It’s exhausting and makes me feel crazy when this happens. So long story but I can’t see my therapist as regularly as I was and want to, but the last time I saw her a couple of weeks ago- a) she was proud of my progress and some of my communication to him; b) she says in times like these I have to ground myself with the reality that I know - if nothing else he did like me at one point, and try to realize that this behavior is less about him (him only being the distance which hurts) and more about my insecurities... so to help heal, I need to remind myself of my good qualities and keep going to gym / working on goals. Nothing out of the ordinary when it comes to advice. I am thankful I can see the roots of this stuff, but it’s so painful. When I get triggered, I absolutely hate to think of this situation so much, I just spin myself til I’m sick and exhausted, and the abuse to myself is so intense. Going back to the situation with FA, all the while I’m writing here, upset, trying to figure it out, etc - if you looked at our texts the past month, I basically look like the avoidant one minus that one he ignored. What I mean by that is I’m so aloof. You’d never know how impacted by this I am. I guarantee you he has no idea and maybe that’s good cause I don’t want anyone (but you all haha) to see me in a triggered state as I’m still healing to not have those. It’d freak him out, and hell, it freaks me out. Sure I said I wanted to see him and I missed him, and in August when he asked me why I put up with him I said that I care etc and also said it doesn’t feel good when you pull away - but that’s basically it for the past couple of months for expressing how this is hard for me. So I bring this up to say, I’m one of those APs that will suffer in silence. I get it’s because my emotions were never (and still aren’t) well received by others esp parents and I don’t feel safe. But here, it’s causing me to act aloof and not true to myself. I guess I’m thankful I’ve made some progress and these states are as often, but the past 24 hours have just really made me question myself. And be disappointed. - That’s a common AP trait to not fully express oneself- to hide behind a veil and be people pleasers bc more than anything we want a connection and are terrified of abandonment. In this silence we abandon ourselves and can sabotage the relationship. It can happen bc we keep our feelings bottled up in an attempt to keep the connection and the peace, and then often end up feeling resentful of all our sacrifices and eventually explode- which sends the partner running and lands us exactly where we don’t want to be...abandoned. We’re playing out our old wounds. We need to work on consistently and calmly bring up our needs and feelings so this pattern can be changed. |
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Post by mrob on Nov 8, 2019 13:55:29 GMT
Hi Caroline <3 You're going to be okay in a few days, I promise. To me its understandable that you feel gaslit in this situation; the social media contact has become your main thread of remaining communication together. Its natural that this could feel like a betrayal and arouse suspicion. If he was communicating normally and acting reasurringly, even as a friend, a social media like would mean nothing at all. Something you could possibly consider, if you are open to being platonic friends while he goes through depression, is explicitly suggesting some contact that is non sexual? Someone else said they suggested this to their FA and it helped him get over his `hump' with not wanting to spend time together. It might be exactly what he needs to hear. You never know, meds can give some guys erectile dysfunction, imagine if he's got that and has no idea how talk about it? That would be hard for any guy, not just avoidants. it would be so good for you to get to the bottom of his strange behaviour anyway. I really hope that you will <3 Believe me, unreliable plumbing is pretty devastating for everyone concerned. |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 11, 2019 21:38:07 GMT
It's kind of another side of anxiety to know what you need to do but you're struggling being brave enough to do it. That's kind of where I'm at. I want to send the one thing and then be direct as we talked about here depending on response (or lack of). And I'm stalling out of anxiety... which isn't a secure look for me either. I'm not angry with him. Just anxious. It's a good opportunity to practice communicating your needs. Stalling out of anxiety is a thing, but the more you make the choice to take action the easier it gets. In part because, even if you don't get your ideal outcome, you do get to see you still survived! And you'll feel stronger for it and trust yourself more little by little the more you practice it, even if you're forcing yourself at the beginning. It helps to eventually show your emotions can guide you without running the show. |
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Post by dhali on Nov 11, 2019 22:32:19 GMT
It's kind of another side of anxiety to know what you need to do but you're struggling being brave enough to do it. That's kind of where I'm at. I want to send the one thing and then be direct as we talked about here depending on response (or lack of). And I'm stalling out of anxiety... which isn't a secure look for me either. I'm not angry with him. Just anxious. Can you try something for me? I’m going to define 2 words: “I” and “me”. “I” is who you are. Your essence. Your being. “Me” is your set of beliefs. None of those are original. All of them were given to you. By parents, teachers, friends, etc. no belief is 100% correct, and they are not static. Other people give you other ideas, you consider them, and your beliefs change. Hell, your whole body physically changes every 5 years or so. All cells in your body are younger than 5 yrs old. So “me” is this ever changing thing. You can’t even fairly judge your “me” because it’s not it’s fault it believes what it does. You can only choose from what you’ve been exposed to. Anyhow, beliefs are generally wrong. And it’s not your fault you have the ones you have. Your anxiety is part of your “me”. It’s not actually who you are, and it will change. One day you won’t have anxiety, and yet another you will again. It’s all just happening because of your beliefs (“me”). If I’m feeling anxious, I’m not anxious. Anxiety is just the feeling your “me” has right now. “I” can observe “me”. You are not your anxiety. “I” am not my anxiety. “I” can watch my anxiety (part of “me”) in a disconnected and observable way, knowing that , just like the clouds come and go, so will the anxiety. You could even choose to ignore it. Aww, that’s cute. I’m experiencing anxiety that will go away at some point. I wonder what I can learn from it. And just watch your anxiety. Until you’re tired of doing that. Maybe you can even ask it, and find out, what exactly are you grieving? |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 11, 2019 23:33:42 GMT
caro, I assume there's a giant fear of failure in there driving the procrastination. Which is common for AP.
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Post by mrob on Nov 12, 2019 7:35:46 GMT
In a word... yes.
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Post by iz42 on Nov 13, 2019 3:58:51 GMT
caro , I assume there's a giant fear of failure in there driving the procrastination. Which is common for AP. Well, failure would likely mean rejection in this case, which is scary. Can you think of anything that would help you regain some of the confidence you had earlier in the relationship? |
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Post by happyidiot on Nov 13, 2019 4:22:15 GMT
caro , I assume there's a giant fear of failure in there driving the procrastination. Which is common for AP. This makes total sense. Any tips from anyone? I'm guessing just do it anyways — which when I do this, things are way better. I don't think I've ever really regretted it that I can remember. Do FAs often feel this side of the AP-ness too? Yes, yes we do. |
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Post by iz42 on Nov 14, 2019 4:57:22 GMT
I still can’t really tell if this is AP or normal, but even with him responding and knowing it takes a while for avoidants to come out of that state and knowing his depression etc, I still am feeling untrue to myself for it now being a month since the attraction/etc texts and 2 and 1/2 months since that confusing convo, and all I’ve done is apologize and flirty (and giving him confidence i would think) ask him to hang out. I guess what I’m saying is is it just my AP-ness that wants to ask so wth has been up the past couple of months (in different words) or is that a normal thing to do even after the odd contact we’ve had? This is the part of the whole attachment stuff and journey to secure that is so challenging for me... identifying my thoughts and behaviors and when I’m acting / thinking out of an insecure / AP state and when I’m not. I actually think it would be your AP side that would have been dancing around the issue and trying to keep things flirty, etc (to avoid rocking the boat). Asking what has been up the past couple of months seems absolutely reasonable given his lack of communication. Obviously you wouldn't want to do it in a way that attacks him, given you know he's dealing with depression, but this is the kind of directness that seems much more secure. |
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Post by iz42 on Nov 14, 2019 22:22:22 GMT
I guess what I’m saying is is it just my AP-ness that wants to ask so wth has been up the past couple of months (in different words) or is that a normal thing to do even after the odd contact we’ve had? I'd be really interested to hear other opinions on this question. |
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