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Post by kisstheviolets on Nov 16, 2019 20:50:46 GMT
Also, remembering you don’t know if they’re really happy. If he hasn’t addressed his issues, he’s probably not, or at least won’t be long term. They’ll come back up... one person doesn’t magically slow another’s internal work needed. Easier for me to say but it’s true. She also could’ve pressured him and he just caved into it. We have no idea. Thank you for responding. I always enjoy our insight. I find comfort when someone who understand all this points out that these are such deeply rooted issues that they just don’t disappear. I have to admit I of course want to see this relationship crash and burn, although I hate myself for thinking it. It’s the hurt and jealousy. Also I think what I feel will be proof that he is just a broken man. As a FA, I do not mean to imply that he is inherently bad because of his attachment issues, but I think he took it so much further and was just plain reckless and cruel with how he treated me. The comment that I was a void and he only ever said the things he said to me because he wanted to feel them. I just can’t comprehend that. And maybe that’s just it. It doesn’t make sense because it’s NOT logical?? I can’t imagine him sharing his space with someone like he is. Surely his true colors will come to the surface??? 🖤 |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Nov 16, 2019 20:53:13 GMT
It's interesting to me that your therapist suggested a treatment center. Aside from being away from your family for the holidays, do you think that would be helpful? My FA ex is with someone else and they are moving quickly. You can see my past posts about how she contacted me out of the blue and upset me. Anyway, they are apparently living together after 2.5 months of "official" dating. I understand the pain and the ambivalence in your post. It really does seem like for now, no contact (including social media) is best. I have been toying with the idea of being friends with my ex and thinking about what that would look like. If I decide to do that, I'm going to need a lot of time to heal first. ❤️ I worry about the holidays especially. I want to go I think. I think if I get a hair worse I may self harm again. I’m so shamed and embarrassed. People who see me on the outside would never imagine what a mess I am. I’m exhausted of it all. Did your ex present as hot and cold from the start or did it take a while? |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Nov 16, 2019 20:57:18 GMT
Question is, does his current partner know he’s in touch with you? I’d think not. Ha! You know, I hadn’t gone there yet. But I want to share it. He blocked me on his phone. Smart seeing that the last two relationships he was in ended because both girls snooped and found bad things. I feel like he kept me on messenger because he has more locus of control. I also wondered if his comment that he missed me as a friend and reluctance to engage in much more talk was his wariness if either me taking the information to her or because at this point he is trying to be on his best behavior. I am sure she has no idea. And I don’t believe for a minute he orbited my stories for a month straight for no reason. I have wondered if he did it to get a reaction from me, which obviously worked. Thoughts on that? I always love the way you look at things🖤 |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Nov 16, 2019 20:59:05 GMT
Unfortunately, an ex following you on social media doesn't mean anything. If they're not actively trying to get you back, they're just curious. Good for you for trying to move on, you'll get there eventually, I promise these feelings won't last forever. And, yes, I'm in a similar boat. I unfollowed my ex FA on social media so didn't realize how quickly she'd moved on, until last weekend she walked into a bar with her new girlfriend on her arm. I recognized the woman as the one I questioned her about the night before she dumped me. We'd been out dancing and my girlfriend went off and danced with this other woman, clearly they knew each other, and I got a weird vibe and got upset. At the time, girlfriend assured me it was just a friend, there was no one else for her. Dumped me the next day. I asked my friends who still follow her, how long has she been with that woman? Apparently,since almost immediately after we broke up. So she had someone else on deck when she dumped me, and according to my friends, she claims the new woman on social media in a way she never claimed me. She never called me "bae," rarely put up pics of the two of us together. Of course, this makes me feel like crap, she wouldn't even call me her girlfriend for the longest time. She was not in a relationship for 5 years before I came along, then gets into something immediately after? I kind of think I changed her association with relationships. Made her learn that they can be comfortable, happy places. I'd also guess her new relationship has an expiration date. People don't change overnight, FA is FA, and I doubt she's done the work on herself that will allow her to stay once the honeymoon phase is over. Keep working on yourself and your own healing, you (and I) will be ok! All my hugs and love ❤️ Do you believe your ex orbited you? How long when she was with you did you feel the push and pull? |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Nov 16, 2019 21:01:58 GMT
Question is, does his current partner know he’s in touch with you? I’d think not. This is a good point. It could be a distancing technique from the current girlfriend. That shouldn't give any hope though. I'm of the mindset that if a person treats another dishonestly or poorly, that will eventually swing around to me. So true, maybe even just a tiny bit of his deactivation. Makes sense. In your opinion, do you think he will be just has dishonest to her as he was with me? I can say with certainty that I am at least at the point where I do not want him in that way. I think what’s left is why did I allow him so treat me so poorly? |
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Post by serenity on Nov 16, 2019 21:04:05 GMT
I don’t know about your FA question but I do know if I had thoughts and feelings for an ex who had moved on and is engaged to someone else and only wants to be my friend, I’d remove all forms of contact with him from my life, including social media. It will prolong your obtrusive thoughts and rumination if you’re seeing reminders of him pop up when you’re online. You’re sabotaging your ability to get over him by remaining in his life- even if only in cyberspace. Cut all cords, give it a couple months, and allow yourself the chance the heal and recover. It’s very possible to get over him - you just have to safeguard yourself. Taking this to heart and cutting him out. It’s so funny how defeated he has made me feel to throw these breadcrumbs at me. Just making sure I am still in the background. I want peace, I really do. I can’t give myself that opportunity if he still lurks. I am so weak for him. I hate it🖤 Guy culture is so much more practical and brutal about these things. I read a post on another forum recently from a guy who was struggling to get over a girl he was obsessed about. You know what the consensus was? He has a bad case of `oneitis' and a scarcity complex, and to go sleep with ten women to get over her. Women never suggest that to one another. We tell each other to get therapy and heal and not date for a long time. Even though there's wisdom int that, I also feel we are held back by slut shaming and `how women should behave'. There's got to a middle ground in there somewhere, between each kind of advice, lol |
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Post by lovebunny on Nov 16, 2019 22:37:51 GMT
Do you believe your ex orbited you? How long when she was with you did you feel the push and pull? kisstheviolets, To answer your question, we cycled twice in 8 1/2 months. I walked away from her after 3 months when she refused to acknowledge me as her girlfriend, but she pulled me back in and seemed all in for the next several months. Just a few nights before she dumped me, we'd made love and she held me tight all night and told me she was always thinking about me, so I was gobsmacked when she ditched me after one fight, not even a bad one. But now I can look back and see lots of ways she never really put both feet in and never wanted to move the relationship forward. She tried "let's be friends" and "I still care about you" in the days just after the breakup, but I didn't bite. She sometimes likes my posts on FB (I unfollowed, didn't unfriend) but I never took her "likes" to mean more than she wants to look like a nice person. I was not happy when she walked into that bar last Sunday afternoon knowing that I'm usually there at that time (for karaoke) but I don't flatter myself that it had anything to do with me. It's been 5 months since we broke up, after all, so I greeted her nicely, even gave her a hug, finished my drink, grabbed my friend and left to go cry in an ally, lol. You mentioned earlier maybe doing a chart of his relationships, I think a better use of your time would be a chart of YOUR relationships. What are your patterns? What has worked, and hasn't worked for you? I also think casually dating is helpful, just have fun. I hooked up with someone a couple days ago, had a great time, and it really gave me an ego boost and reminded me that I can attract/be attracted to other people. |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Nov 16, 2019 22:52:17 GMT
Do you believe your ex orbited you? How long when she was with you did you feel the push and pull? kisstheviolets, To answer your question, we cycled twice in 8 1/2 months. I walked away from her after 3 months when she refused to acknowledge me as her girlfriend, but she pulled me back in and seemed all in for the next several months. Even two nights before she dumped me, we'd made love and she held me tight and said she was always thinking about me, so I was gobsmacked when she ditched me after one fight. But now I can look back and see lots of ways she never really put both feet in and never wanted to move the relationship forward. She tried "let's be friends" and "I still care about you" in the days just after the breakup, but I didn't bite. She sometimes likes my posts on FB (I unfollowed, didn't unfriend) but I never took her "likes" to mean more than she wants to look like a nice person. I was not happy when she walked into that bar last Sunday afternoon knowing that I'm usually there at that time (for karaoke) but I don't flatter myself that it had anything to do with me. It's been 5 months since we broke up, after all, so I greeted her nicely, even gave her a hug, finished my drink, grabbed my friend and left to go cry in an ally, lol. You mentioned earlier maybe doing a chart of his relationships, I think a better use of your time would be a chart of YOUR relationships. What are your patterns? What has worked, and hasn't worked for you? I also think casually dating is helpful, just have fun. I hooked up with someone a couple days ago, had a great time, and it really gave me an ego boost and reminded me that I can attract/be attracted to other people. [ I hate thinking you cried in an alley:( It’s so painful. Actually I have been lucky to have amazing relationships. I am fearful avoidant but I don’t think I am super avoidant. I need alone time. I do lose sexual interest and start to develop crushes from time to time. But I’ve been loved good. I honestly believed J when he said he was scared. It never occurred to me that it was anything more than what he said. I also haven’t had a lot of lovers so maybe I am naive. So my therapist saw both J and I. He stopped going when he fell in love. But I am weird and like to quantify things on a 1 to 10 scale! Haha She says I am like a 3 on the FA scale and he is an 8. She says he has absolutely no ability to make a relationship beyond 3 to 5 years. So I put it to paper and I do see a pattern but I don’t know if it’s just me wanting to see it? I think for me I am scared to date because I am so in the thick of working out my trauma and issues. I have stopped drinking even. I think I want to feel it and see it through. Also, sadly, I am so obsessed with him that being around anyone is just so uncomfortable. It’s like he is all I care about. TMI but I think it’s relevant. I have even tried to self pleasure and my mind goes to him and then I end up crying. Yes, I cry masterbate. It’s pitiful isn’t it. I know deep down I kept a line of communication open because I wanted my apology. I keep the door open and I have to face that truth and not lie to myself. I want that day when he begs for forgiveness and wants my attention. It’s empty and does nothing for my self preservation. Thank you for listening❤️ |
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Post by iz42 on Nov 16, 2019 23:15:48 GMT
It's interesting to me that your therapist suggested a treatment center. Aside from being away from your family for the holidays, do you think that would be helpful? My FA ex is with someone else and they are moving quickly. You can see my past posts about how she contacted me out of the blue and upset me. Anyway, they are apparently living together after 2.5 months of "official" dating. I understand the pain and the ambivalence in your post. It really does seem like for now, no contact (including social media) is best. I have been toying with the idea of being friends with my ex and thinking about what that would look like. If I decide to do that, I'm going to need a lot of time to heal first. ❤️ I worry about the holidays especially. I want to go I think. I think if I get a hair worse I may self harm again. I’m so shamed and embarrassed. People who see me on the outside would never imagine what a mess I am. I’m exhausted of it all. Did your ex present as hot and cold from the start or did it take a while? Yes, it does sound exhausting. I understand the shame but I also think that trauma responses are nothing to be ashamed of. Focusing on yourself seems like the best path forward. My ex did not present as hot and cold from the start. There was a honeymoon period when everything felt great but the relationship was still "casual" at that point. He was the one to suggest that we date exclusively. A few months after that, the deactivations started. He broke up with me and changed his mind a few different times and I was scared to lose him. If I had been more secure and aware of my own attachment issues I would have walked away. There was another dimension of codependency because he was an alcoholic/addict. Some would probably say that is a separate issue entirely, but it seemed connected to insecure attachment. He would drink to self soothe and it was a successful way to deactivate/distance himself from me. I eventually set boundaries where I refused to spend time with him when he was drunk. It was very difficult. I would caution you from trying to analyze your ex’s behavior or relationship patterns too much. All you need to know is that he was not a caring or emotionally available partner to you and you deserve better. The fact that he wants to be friends does not mean you need to let him back in, especially not when you are still feeling vulnerable. |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Nov 16, 2019 23:35:10 GMT
❤️ I worry about the holidays especially. I want to go I think. I think if I get a hair worse I may self harm again. I’m so shamed and embarrassed. People who see me on the outside would never imagine what a mess I am. I’m exhausted of it all. Did your ex present as hot and cold from the start or did it take a while? Yes, it does sound exhausting. I understand the shame but I also think that trauma responses are nothing to be ashamed of. Focusing on yourself seems like the best path forward. My ex did not present as hot and cold from the start. There was a honeymoon period when everything felt great but the relationship was still "casual" at that point. He was the one to suggest that we date exclusively. A few months after that, the deactivations started. He broke up with me and changed his mind a few different times and I was scared to lose him. If I had been more secure and aware of my own attachment issues I would have walked away. There was another dimension of codependency because he was an alcoholic/addict. Some would probably say that is a separate issue entirely, but it seemed connected to insecure attachment. He would drink to self soothe and it was a successful way to deactivate/distance himself from me. I eventually set boundaries where I refused to spend time with him when he was drunk. It was very difficult. I would caution you from trying to analyze your ex’s behavior or relationship patterns too much. All you need to know is that he was not a caring or emotionally available partner to you and you deserve better. The fact that he wants to be friends does not mean you need to let him back in, especially not when you are still feeling vulnerable. Thank you for sharing your experience. J is also an alcoholic and I feel like he also uses this to cope. He is very emotional when he is drunk. From what I understand his new lady drinks heavily as well. He takes her out to his music gigs and such. I never got that. You are so right about shame and trauma. Sometimes I can barely look my therapist in the eye after divulging things. I even get embarrassed here. How do you work through that aspect of it? ❤️ |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 17, 2019 2:10:07 GMT
I think for me I am scared to date because I am so in the thick of working out my trauma and issues. I have stopped drinking even. I think I want to feel it and see it through. I have even tried to self pleasure and my mind goes to him and then I end up crying. I think it's great that you're working out your stuff and have stopped drinking while you do. There's absolutely nothing wrong at all with taking a break from dating while you're doing that. Creating more space for yourself to focus is very beneficiary rather than getting caught up in another new person before you've gained the tools to heal and break your cycles. Keep this up! It isn't uncommon to have emotional reactions when sex is tied up in a bunch of other things and isn't just about connection. You may want to do some reading about how anxious types may use and view sex in ways that aren't about connection. There's nothing to be ashamed of while you work through that, and it may make you feel less alone to see that AP, FA, and DA as well all have documented general patterns about sex that come from projections, a lack of true vulnerability, and distancing mechanisms. For example, AP can get hyper sexual because they may unconsciously use sex for validation that everything is "okay" and are wanted, so sex temporarily relieves their anxiety. It's less about true connection and more about managing anxiety and emotions through an external mechanism (sex) as self-regulation is challenging for the immature AP. DA may use speedy sex (very early in the relationship) to rush into surface-level intimacy that seems like a deeper connection but actually creates distance because it's unearned -- a fun and relaxing yet fantasy connection based on a high that avoids closer emotional and attachment bonding. So don't judge yourself harshly if you're having extreme emotional responses when fantasizing, insecure attachment can impact all of this. |
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 17, 2019 2:57:26 GMT
My FA and I are 'friendly' but I still dont want to see his social media, etc. I know better. Even a year later I dont want to know as this man triggered the Ever living crap out of me.
Get to a place where you know better and its just poking the bear looking. Dont think its not hard even for a secure so its harder for insecures, we just know when its bad for us and cut it off. Cut fast and swift. Cut with no regrets as we need to do what we need to to do to heal/move on.
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Post by iz42 on Nov 17, 2019 5:00:58 GMT
Yes, it does sound exhausting. I understand the shame but I also think that trauma responses are nothing to be ashamed of. Focusing on yourself seems like the best path forward. My ex did not present as hot and cold from the start. There was a honeymoon period when everything felt great but the relationship was still "casual" at that point. He was the one to suggest that we date exclusively. A few months after that, the deactivations started. He broke up with me and changed his mind a few different times and I was scared to lose him. If I had been more secure and aware of my own attachment issues I would have walked away. There was another dimension of codependency because he was an alcoholic/addict. Some would probably say that is a separate issue entirely, but it seemed connected to insecure attachment. He would drink to self soothe and it was a successful way to deactivate/distance himself from me. I eventually set boundaries where I refused to spend time with him when he was drunk. It was very difficult. I would caution you from trying to analyze your ex’s behavior or relationship patterns too much. All you need to know is that he was not a caring or emotionally available partner to you and you deserve better. The fact that he wants to be friends does not mean you need to let him back in, especially not when you are still feeling vulnerable. Thank you for sharing your experience. J is also an alcoholic and I feel like he also uses this to cope. He is very emotional when he is drunk. From what I understand his new lady drinks heavily as well. He takes her out to his music gigs and such. I never got that. You are so right about shame and trauma. Sometimes I can barely look my therapist in the eye after divulging things. I even get embarrassed here. How do you work through that aspect of it? ❤️ I'm not sure exactly. I think you just need to be aware that everybody has their own issues and they're not necessarily judging you. If you're not honest with your therapist, it's much harder for them to help you. Thanks for being so open on this forum. |
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Post by happyidiot on Nov 18, 2019 3:16:06 GMT
kisstheviolets Sorry you are going through this. Yes, someone FA can rush into things with someone, and from the outside you might not understand why. It's not as simple as FAs only being able to get over their avoidance by being triggered anxious by someone who is acting more avoidant than them. That's an oversimplification. People can certainly still be triggered anxious by someone who is "really into" them, or their avoidant side may just not come out in the early days of some relationships, when hormones are heightened. Try not to wonder why he's moving fast with this girl and didn't with you. It's nothing to do with your worth. There could be a million factors at play. I'm FA and I rushed into things with my most recent partner, and didn't with the last few people I dated before him. For me it was mainly because I was purposely trying to open myself up and not act avoidant, and because he wanted to rush in, and it felt great feeling so wanted. And I have triggered someone who I believe to be FA very anxious when I was not acting avoidant, I think it might be mainly because I have many male friends (this would support serenity 's above theory). Honestly I am a big proponent of completely removing exes who trigger you horribly anxious from your life. I don't know if you're looking for advice, but that's what I'd do personally, tell him I don't want to be friends, remove him from social media and make my social media private (or better yet, delete social media completely). It's like an addiction, and cold turkey is the best way to quit one's ex. Eventually your nervous system will calm down if you aren't constantly seeing them watching your Instagram stories and wondering what it means. I promise. Proper no contact really helps. Thank you so much for this thoughtful response. No contact and removal began today. I honestly don’t think I can be friends with this man after what he did. May I ask how this approach with your current partner worked out? The approach of moving fast? I think it's worked out well for me. I'm not sure my relationship is going to work out, but I still think it was good for me to go "all in" quite quickly. I hope you aren't asking in order to try to predict what will happen with your ex and his new girlfriend. For one, that is none of your concern and not helpful to think about, and for two, I'm not like him. And I am very aware of and working on my attachment issues. We also didn't make such major moves as moving in together or getting engaged. How are you doing? |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 18, 2019 22:06:34 GMT
::Raises hand:: I don’t know if you have read any of my more recent posts...but B moved a lot faster with his current gf then he did with me....I don’t want to repeat all of it...you can go through my posts and find those details. I think what is critical is to not compare....which is a lot easier said then done. You (and I frankly) do not really know what is going on behind the scenes. I actually defriended B almost 3 months ago and although it has been painful to have no contact with him...I do believe it is the best course of action for me until I find my footing again. I am doing somatic experiencing therapy and it is working....as in 1 step forward and 2 steps back....but the 1 step is important and I feel I am learning so much about myself. Have you considered taking a sabbatical from social media? A few years ago, I took an entire year off of TV. Sometimes small breaks are what we need to reset our thoughts. Just an idea. Good luck. 💕💕 Hello❤️ Yes I wonder about you a lot and hope to catch up on your journey this weekend. SO much of what you share is so similar to what I think that it’s eerie almost. Tel me about somatic therapy. The hardest part I am having with J is intrusive thoughts and I am still incredibly fixated on our love making. Watching him with this new woman feels like I must have been the problem or something. It’s so surreal to me. So confusing. Just getting round to this...what is so different about somatic therapy is that it takes a wholistic approach of body and mind....I find as someone with AP that I can tell you how I “feel” but I was very disconnected to the signs from my body. For instance...I tend to close one or both hands when I talk to her...and we have determined that is my body saying I am not ready to let B go. She doesn’t judge me for it...it is just something that we have noticed and are talking through. It truly is amazing what your body wants to share in relationship to your trauma. as far as social media goes...I am actually so much better off when I do not “check” on B.....what gets me in trouble is I will connect random bits of information and then jump to a conclusion that hurts me. I agree that it is not any of your business what he and his gf are up to...but I do soooo understand the driving urge to “know”, “compare” and find ourselves lacking. The thing is....it doesn’t serve you..it doesn’t honor you...and it isn’t true. His story does not get to define you. If you need to...go back to before you met him. Wipe the story clean. It will be a minute by minute decision to put you first....but I am here....rooting for you. 💕💕 |
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