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Post by stayhappy on Dec 1, 2019 10:00:35 GMT
He wants to get married. I don’t.
I have been married before, he doesn’t.
I come from a very christian country and very religious family. Getting a divorce wasn’t easy because I grow up believing that marriage is until death separate us from each other. I was really happy while married but my husband cheated on me and although I tried to forgive and give it another try, thing’s didn’t work out. It wasn’t like before.
The divorce was kind of a trauma. I mean I moved from my home country to the other side of the world to be with my ex. It wasn’t easy to go throw a divorce while in a foreign country, far from my family and friends. But I managed it pretty well. I got my university degree, I made my own friends, I got a good job and I found love again.
The thing is, although I’m leaving in a very secular country and I myself kind of become much less religious I still feel some kind of guilty about the divorce. I still think about going to hell and have some kind of shame about having sex outside the marriage. Deeply inside I may believe that “the right christian thing to do “ after my divorce should be
remain single and alone because otherwise it’s a sin. But my “atheist” side says “Stop believing in those bull shit”.
I’m not so sure why I don’t want to get married again. Bureaucratic? Religious trauma? Disappointed with marriage? All of this? I’m happy by just moving in together. I’m also happy by just being together with him but not moving in together... I think I got used and started to appreciate being in pretty “avoidant” relationship. I think I’m surprised because I used to be the one who wanted to move in together and have children while he saw this like a “far away goal”. I had some health issues that could make it hard for me to get pregnant so I got sad when the doctor told me that. But than I worked it out and started believing that I would be happy even without kids. I got better from my health issues and the doctor said that on six months I will probably be able to be pregnant without problems.
My partner is pretty excited while I feel very calm. Being in a relationship with a DA man is different than what I was used to. He has some “limitations” and I have accepted it without feeling that I have abandoned myself. I feel happy most of the time. But I wonder if he really can be in “traditional” relationship and feel happy most of the times? Am I letting my “religious trauma” come in the way of my happiness? Am I just older now and have less fairytale dreams than before?
Sorry for the messy.
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Post by Helsbells on Dec 1, 2019 16:26:23 GMT
He wants to get married. I don’t. I have been married before, he doesn’t. I come from a very christian country and very religious family. Getting a divorce wasn’t easy because I grow up believing that marriage is until death separate us from each other. I was really happy while married but my husband cheated on me and although I tried to forgive and give it another try, thing’s didn’t work out. It wasn’t like before. The divorce was kind of a trauma. I mean I moved from my home country to the other side of the world to be with my ex. It wasn’t easy to go throw a divorce while in a foreign country, far from my family and friends. But I managed it pretty well. I got my university degree, I made my own friends, I got a good job and I found love again. The thing is, although I’m leaving in a very secular country and I myself kind of become much less religious I still feel some kind of guilty about the divorce. I still think about going to hell and have some kind of shame about having sex outside the marriage. Deeply inside I may believe that “the right christian thing to do “ after my divorce should be remain single and alone because otherwise it’s a sin. But my “atheist” side says “Stop believing in those bull shit”. I’m not so sure why I don’t want to get married again. Bureaucratic? Religious trauma? Disappointed with marriage? All of this? I’m happy by just moving in together. I’m also happy by just being together with him but not moving in together... I think I got used and started to appreciate being in pretty “avoidant” relationship. I think I’m surprised because I used to be the one who wanted to move in together and have children while he saw this like a “far away goal”. I had some health issues that could make it hard for me to get pregnant so I got sad when the doctor told me that. But than I worked it out and started believing that I would be happy even without kids. I got better from my health issues and the doctor said that on six months I will probably be able to be pregnant without problems. My partner is pretty excited while I feel very calm. Being in a relationship with a DA man is different than what I was used to. He has some “limitations” and I have accepted it without feeling that I have abandoned myself. I feel happy most of the time. But I wonder if he really can be in “traditional” relationship and feel happy most of the times? Am I letting my “religious trauma” come in the way of my happiness? Am I just older now and have less fairytale dreams than before? Sorry for the messy. Stay happy, I have the same thoughts as you, as a Methodist christian. What helped me is listening to joseph murphey and Neville goddard both well studied godly men who shine a whole new refreshing light on what our relationship with the Devine is meant to be. There talks on you tube really resonates with my thoughts and thinking unlike the religion of my church. Hope it helps you too xx |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 1, 2019 19:10:05 GMT
stayhappy, the evolution of your relationship has definitely been interesting! Have you asked him why he wants to get married? Since you communicate openly, I assume you've shared what you want and your hesitations with him? Religion, with its guilt and shame, definitely makes everything more complicated. That's real conditioning.
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Post by anne12 on Dec 4, 2019 14:58:14 GMT
A guy who wants to marry you ♥️
How sweet. And he is even avoidant.
Could it be that he uses his masculinity by wanting to get married ?
Like he wants to give you a gift/a precent/his heart ?
Are you as a woman able to be open in your heart and receive his gifts with grace ?
Accessibility is one of the most important features to develop if you as a woman want a really good love life and sex life.
To receive with grace is to give the other a gift. Well, it is said that giving is the most rewarding. But think about how receiving the other (s) with joy and grace creates love and satisfaction. It makes one want to give more.
It is one of the greatest gifts the feminine can offer the masculine! Because receiving the man's gifts (compliments, solutions, actions, sex, things, etc.) with joy and gracefulness creates a flow between you where energy and joy can dance and grow.
Just a thought. I do not remember your story.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2019 17:46:29 GMT
A guy who wants to marry you ♥️ How sweet. And he is even avoidant. Could it be that he uses his masculinity by wanting to get married ? Like he wants to give you a gift/a precent/his heart ? Are you as a woman able to be open in your heart and receive his gifts with grace ? Accessibility is one of the most important features to develop if you as a woman want a really good love life and sex life. To receive with grace is to give the other a gift. Well, it is said that giving is the most rewarding. But think about how receiving the other (s) with joy and grace creates love and satisfaction. It makes one want to give more. It is one of the greatest gifts the feminine can offer the masculine! Because receiving the man's gifts (compliments, solutions, actions, sex, things, etc.) with joy and gracefulness creates a flow between you where energy and joy can dance and grow. Just a thought. I do not remember your story. I agree with this perspective, as avoidant with an avoidant lover. Even if he is thinking in practical terms as a provider, and potential future father, instead of having a deep romantic interpretation for marriage (still possible for an avoidant) it is a gift he is offering you. My partner is so aloof sometimes about how to please me and make me happy. It's frustrating but funny. We could probably point at each other all day and say "Gawd you're so avoidant, you're difficult! " That's because even as dual avoidants we also are different as man and woman, and we have different ways of being avoidant also. He is a busy avoidant. I am a very laid back avoidant. But what I do know, is that he does what is natural to him to make me happy. And, if I am brave to ask him for exactly what I need he will do it for me emotionally. He wants to know how he can be good for me. When I tell him how much his responses and demonstrations of care mean to me, he softens emotionally and increases them. It's truly a gift to receive gratefully. When I thank him for his beautiful presence in my life he becomes more present. Maybe if you just talk to him about your conflicting feelings, so he can understand how to help you, it will make you even closer- that's what it's about, growing even closer and intimate through challenges. When I let K know what my heart is battling with in an situation he wants to help me. He just has no clear way to do that until I take a problem to him ask him to help me. He knows just about every conflicting emotion and thought I have. We are both so full of those things that if we didn't bring it out to try to find solutions it would just be ridiculous. We both have major hang ups- so Even with all our progress it's still ridiculous sometimes. We are both coming from a place of having NO CLUE how intimacy and relationships are done. But yes- receiving with an open heart is huge. He's learning to receive from me also and it feels so good. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2019 0:45:16 GMT
I've heard the same from my divorced friends and my ex - they don't see the need to be married anymore, because marriage meant very little in the end as their partners cheated on them. They now want to be in long term committed relationships without the marriage, since you can be life partners with or without marriage; they also pick unavailable partners of all shades. I think there's an element of avoiding marriage because getting out of it was so painful, but they desire the benefits of being in a relationship. I think if the avoidance of marriage comes from fear and pain from the past, that is baggage holding you back and you're making a decision from a place of negative, not a place of neutrality. That's not to say that your concerns around him being happy in a traditional relationship are invalid - it's just a separate issue to be considered.
Regardless of your decisions/thoughts around marriage, i agree with anne12 and inmourning - that receiving a gift with joy and gratitude and excitement is very important. Men DO like to give in their own ways, and it's important to acknowledge and validate those giving even if you don't like the gift.
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Post by stayhappy on Dec 5, 2019 11:08:45 GMT
He wants to get married. I don’t. I have been married before, he doesn’t. I come from a very christian country and very religious family. Getting a divorce wasn’t easy because I grow up believing that marriage is until death separate us from each other. I was really happy while married but my husband cheated on me and although I tried to forgive and give it another try, thing’s didn’t work out. It wasn’t like before. The divorce was kind of a trauma. I mean I moved from my home country to the other side of the world to be with my ex. It wasn’t easy to go throw a divorce while in a foreign country, far from my family and friends. But I managed it pretty well. I got my university degree, I made my own friends, I got a good job and I found love again. The thing is, although I’m leaving in a very secular country and I myself kind of become much less religious I still feel some kind of guilty about the divorce. I still think about going to hell and have some kind of shame about having sex outside the marriage. Deeply inside I may believe that “the right christian thing to do “ after my divorce should be remain single and alone because otherwise it’s a sin. But my “atheist” side says “Stop believing in those bull shit”. I’m not so sure why I don’t want to get married again. Bureaucratic? Religious trauma? Disappointed with marriage? All of this? I’m happy by just moving in together. I’m also happy by just being together with him but not moving in together... I think I got used and started to appreciate being in pretty “avoidant” relationship. I think I’m surprised because I used to be the one who wanted to move in together and have children while he saw this like a “far away goal”. I had some health issues that could make it hard for me to get pregnant so I got sad when the doctor told me that. But than I worked it out and started believing that I would be happy even without kids. I got better from my health issues and the doctor said that on six months I will probably be able to be pregnant without problems. My partner is pretty excited while I feel very calm. Being in a relationship with a DA man is different than what I was used to. He has some “limitations” and I have accepted it without feeling that I have abandoned myself. I feel happy most of the time. But I wonder if he really can be in “traditional” relationship and feel happy most of the times? Am I letting my “religious trauma” come in the way of my happiness? Am I just older now and have less fairytale dreams than before? Sorry for the messy. Stay happy, I have the same thoughts as you, as a Methodist christian. What helped me is listening to joseph murphey and Neville goddard both well studied godly men who shine a whole new refreshing light on what our relationship with the Devine is meant to be. There talks on you tube really resonates with my thoughts and thinking unlike the religion of my church. Hope it helps you too xx Thank you! I will take a look at at them! ❤️ |
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Post by stayhappy on Dec 5, 2019 11:19:05 GMT
stayhappy, the evolution of your relationship has definitely been interesting! Have you asked him why he wants to get married? Since you communicate openly, I assume you've shared what you want and your hesitations with him? Religion, with its guilt and shame, definitely makes everything more complicated. That's real conditioning. I asked and he said “Why not?”. I think he got inspired because it have been a baby boom in our social circle and some of his friends and my friends got married under the summer. He knows about my hesitation on getting married. But it can be hard to understand about this “religious fear” when you are an atheist, leaves in a pretty atheist country and never had a relationship with an immigrant who have a totally different cultural background ☺️ |
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Post by stayhappy on Dec 5, 2019 11:55:05 GMT
I've heard the same from my divorced friends and my ex - they don't see the need to be married anymore, because marriage meant very little in the end as their partners cheated on them. They now want to be in long term committed relationships without the marriage, since you can be life partners with or without marriage; they also pick unavailable partners of all shades. I think there's an element of avoiding marriage because getting out of it was so painful, but they desire the benefits of being in a relationship. I think if the avoidance of marriage comes from fear and pain from the past, that is baggage holding you back and you're making a decision from a place of negative, not a place of neutrality. That's not to say that your concerns around him being happy in a traditional relationship are invalid - it's just a separate issue to be considered. Regardless of your decisions/thoughts around marriage, i agree with anne12 and inmourning - that receiving a gift with joy and gratitude and excitement is very important. Men DO like to give in their own ways, and it's important to acknowledge and validate those giving even if you don't like the gift. I don’t see the need to be married either but not because marriage meant very little. It meant a lot for me from a religious and cultural perspective. I was really happy while married and I’m not afraid that my new relationship can come to an end. I know that there is no way to be sure if our history will last forever or if we will break up someday. I’m not afraid of the possibility of being cheated on again . I don’t worry about this kind of things until I have a reason to do so. I think I’m kind of healed from my divorce although I still remember it as being painful. But when it comes to thinking about a “burning hell” it still scares me although I haven’t been a church member in a while 😅. Of course his avoidance makes me think if he really will enjoy being in a very “traditional relationship”. I don’t think he has become more securely attached. He still deactivate and needs a lot of time for himself. We have becoming more secure in our interaction because we know how each other work and have learned how to fix ours problems when the conexion is “broken”. We are going to move in together and just cohabitate for a while. Let’s see how things will work out ☺️ |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2019 12:18:15 GMT
I've heard the same from my divorced friends and my ex - they don't see the need to be married anymore, because marriage meant very little in the end as their partners cheated on them. They now want to be in long term committed relationships without the marriage, since you can be life partners with or without marriage; they also pick unavailable partners of all shades. I think there's an element of avoiding marriage because getting out of it was so painful, but they desire the benefits of being in a relationship. I think if the avoidance of marriage comes from fear and pain from the past, that is baggage holding you back and you're making a decision from a place of negative, not a place of neutrality. That's not to say that your concerns around him being happy in a traditional relationship are invalid - it's just a separate issue to be considered. Regardless of your decisions/thoughts around marriage, i agree with anne12 and inmourning - that receiving a gift with joy and gratitude and excitement is very important. Men DO like to give in their own ways, and it's important to acknowledge and validate those giving even if you don't like the gift. I don’t see the need to be married either but not because marriage meant very little. It meant a lot for me from a religious and cultural perspective. I was really happy while married and I’m not afraid that my new relationship can come to an end. I know that there is no way to be sure if our history will last forever or if we will break up someday. I’m not afraid of the possibility of being cheated on again . I don’t worry about this kind of things until I have a reason to do so. I think I’m kind of healed from my divorce although I still remember it as being painful. But when it comes to thinking about a “burning hell” it still scares me although I haven’t been a church member in a while 😅. Of course his avoidance makes me think if he really will enjoy being in a very “traditional relationship”. I don’t think he has become more securely attached. He still deactivate and needs a lot of time for himself. We have becoming more secure in our interaction because we know how each other work and have learned how to fix ours problems when the conexion is “broken”. We are going to move in together and just cohabitate for a while. Let’s see how things will work out ☺️ moving in sounds like a positive development! Did you tell him what you think/feel about the marriage proposal? I asked because my partner asked me to move in, and then at some point i flipped out because i had alot of insecurity and resentment brewing (he did not see it coming lol). |
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