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Post by kittygirl on Dec 4, 2019 18:57:10 GMT
Greetings to the forum.
So as you may remember I am in a LDR with an FA (diagnosed by a professional and very aware of his attachment issues) man. Because we are long distance-this suits us both as we have both gotten out of loooong relationships and this was a way (I felt) to be in a fun relationship without a lot of the expectations that come along with a closer proximity partner. Things have honestly been fine (he does the odd cold and hot stuff, but it hadn't been too disruptive before-i genuinely tend to assume the best in both people and situations so if someone stops talking to me and I know I haven't done something wrong-i figure it's not my issue and they will reach back out again. And along those lines I never, EVER ask things like "are you ok?" or "is everything ok" because I despise when people do that to me so I just let it go. No harm, no foul).
So things were going okay (maybe like 6/10) and given some of the threads I had read on here I was starting to really be ready to have a conversation with him about my needs and the sustainability of what we had carved out when, suddenly out of the blue BAM! he was laid off from his job. Completely unexpectedly. This is obviously a huge issue for anyone, and I know I have read from other threads on here that this sort of very serious life stress can cause deactivation episodes. So i was sort of prepared but he was actually plugged in with me...at first. Then slowly the lines of connection we had started to get severed one by one-first doing things remotely then calling and then texting. The texting became almost painful for me to instigate as it felt like I was forcing my cat to take a bath or something. No one wants to feel that way (and I mean this for both of us-we are both probably trying our best but it's just deeply unpleasant).
So now I am in the midst of giving him space (going on 1 week). I feel badly in a way because if *I* was going through something like that I would probably want someone to send me funny stuff or whatever. But he's made it clear he needs space. My issue now though, is that I am starting to realize how TRAPPED i feel in this situation. Under normal circumstances, like with any other person and in any other situation I would politely tell someone "Hey i think you're great but this isn't working out for me as I can't really have a relationship with so many roadblocks to any degree of closeness". BUT in this case, I feel utterly helpless because I don't feel as though I can just dump someone on their ass when they are in the throes of deep depression and feelings of worthlessness after such a life altering circumstance. And sooooo the trapped feelings begin. I start to feel as though I am trapped with no way out and this starts to trigger all sorts of unhealthy responses like an urge to self harm (I have a history of that) and wanting to stop eating (also have a history of eating disorder shit). Both of these come from a DEEP desire to feel some sense of control when I can't deal with the emotions internally of seeing "no solution" to something. This is by the way, an issue i struggle with (the helplessness and specifically a feeling of being trapped) with a lot of my relationships not just romantic (in fact I am going through 2 different friendships where I am feeling this way right now and it's not great). This isn't an attachment issue for me as I don't have problems being intimate with someone (though as you might guess I value my independence tremendously) but probably instead comes from something else, maybe stemming from trauma i experienced when I was younger (having nothing to do with my caregivers) who knows. Every single piece of me is telling me i need to like "get out" because I am feeling all these bad urges but now I literally don't know what to do.
My friends are like "Just start dating and move on with your life like he's doing" but the problem is (and going back to what I have stated up there) I simply can't knowingly behave in a way that I would find unacceptable if the tables were turned. I just can't. No matter how bad it is. If I expect HIM to communicate with me about ending it and moving on then I need to do the same. Period.
Last night I imagined he dumped me and it gave me enough peace that I could fall asleep. This seems effed up. Does anyone else relate to this? Do you think I need to wait and be patient until this all blows over (I mean god knows how long that is going to take) and then have a heart to heart? Fuck I just don't know what to do and you guys are always very wise. Thanks in advance for reading.
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Post by nyc718 on Dec 4, 2019 21:18:32 GMT
Greetings to the forum.
So as you may remember I am in a LDR with an FA (diagnosed by a professional and very aware of his attachment issues) man. Because we are long distance-this suits us both as we have both gotten out of loooong relationships and this was a way (I felt) to be in a fun relationship without a lot of the expectations that come along with a closer proximity partner. Things have honestly been fine (he does the odd cold and hot stuff, but it hadn't been too disruptive before-i genuinely tend to assume the best in both people and situations so if someone stops talking to me and I know I haven't done something wrong-i figure it's not my issue and they will reach back out again. And along those lines I never, EVER ask things like "are you ok?" or "is everything ok" because I despise when people do that to me so I just let it go. No harm, no foul).
So things were going okay (maybe like 6/10) and given some of the threads I had read on here I was starting to really be ready to have a conversation with him about my needs and the sustainability of what we had carved out when, suddenly out of the blue BAM! he was laid off from his job. Completely unexpectedly. This is obviously a huge issue for anyone, and I know I have read from other threads on here that this sort of very serious life stress can cause deactivation episodes. So i was sort of prepared but he was actually plugged in with me...at first. Then slowly the lines of connection we had started to get severed one by one-first doing things remotely then calling and then texting. The texting became almost painful for me to instigate as it felt like I was forcing my cat to take a bath or something. No one wants to feel that way (and I mean this for both of us-we are both probably trying our best but it's just deeply unpleasant).
So now I am in the midst of giving him space (going on 1 week). I feel badly in a way because if *I* was going through something like that I would probably want someone to send me funny stuff or whatever. But he's made it clear he needs space. My issue now though, is that I am starting to realize how TRAPPED i feel in this situation. Under normal circumstances, like with any other person and in any other situation I would politely tell someone "Hey i think you're great but this isn't working out for me as I can't really have a relationship with so many roadblocks to any degree of closeness". BUT in this case, I feel utterly helpless because I don't feel as though I can just dump someone on their ass when they are in the throes of deep depression and feelings of worthlessness after such a life altering circumstance. And sooooo the trapped feelings begin. I start to feel as though I am trapped with no way out and this starts to trigger all sorts of unhealthy responses like an urge to self harm (I have a history of that) and wanting to stop eating (also have a history of eating disorder shit). Both of these come from a DEEP desire to feel some sense of control when I can't deal with the emotions internally of seeing "no solution" to something. This is by the way, an issue i struggle with (the helplessness and specifically a feeling of being trapped) with a lot of my relationships not just romantic (in fact I am going through 2 different friendships where I am feeling this way right now and it's not great). This isn't an attachment issue for me as I don't have problems being intimate with someone (though as you might guess I value my independence tremendously) but probably instead comes from something else, maybe stemming from trauma i experienced when I was younger (having nothing to do with my caregivers) who knows. Every single piece of me is telling me i need to like "get out" because I am feeling all these bad urges but now I literally don't know what to do.
My friends are like "Just start dating and move on with your life like he's doing" but the problem is (and going back to what I have stated up there) I simply can't knowingly behave in a way that I would find unacceptable if the tables were turned. I just can't. No matter how bad it is. If I expect HIM to communicate with me about ending it and moving on then I need to do the same. Period.
Last night I imagined he dumped me and it gave me enough peace that I could fall asleep. This seems effed up. Does anyone else relate to this? Do you think I need to wait and be patient until this all blows over (I mean god knows how long that is going to take) and then have a heart to heart? Fuck I just don't know what to do and you guys are always very wise. Thanks in advance for reading.
I can understand how you can feel confused about what to do, but one thing I've realized is that we all must put the oxygen masks on ourselves before we put it on anyone else. I know you don't want to "abandon" him at what seems like a time of need, but he's abandoning you too and not allowing you to fully care and express yourself, which is what a normal, healthy relationship allows on both sides. So I no longer want to be the savior for anyone else but myself. I can support a partner, but they have to also be supportive of me back. It cannot be a one sided relationship. If walls go up, then I will not climb them. If walls go up, then that means you want me to stay away, and I will stay away, maybe forever. He may be aware of his issues, but that doesn't mean he has overcome them, and that will lead you to that typical place of unknowns and anxiety - what do I do, when will I hear from him, what do I say to not make things worse for them. That's just too much as far as I'm concerned. I personally will not ignore my gut again going foward, because it hasn't served me up to this point to hang around and try to help if they just aren't there. Perhaps you can say something to the affect of - Hey, I care, and I'm sorry you're dealing with everything that you are. I want to be supportive, but I know it's overwhelming for you to deal with everything right now. So maybe we can take some time apart, and some time in the future, you can reach out and let me know how things are going. That way, the ball is in his court to both make the next move, and you are not forcing anything while still communicating that you can't just hang around indefinitely. |
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Post by kittygirl on Dec 4, 2019 21:30:10 GMT
oh i LOVE that! You have no idea how much that lifted the squeezing in my chest. Like it feels so good. YOU ARE SO RIGHT. Thank you thank you
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Post by kittygirl on Dec 9, 2019 16:50:14 GMT
Update: so it has been a very interesting time around here on the FA boards as of late. Several people have ended things with their FA partners and i want you all to know (those of you in this position) that each one of those accounts,all the pain, it affected me deeply and led me to my own realizations with my FA partner. The advice as well (even if I didn't always like what i saw ha) was invaluable. This morning, I decided to message my FA partner and lay things out for him. I asked him if he was still invested in this relationship and told him if he was that's great and I am willing to work with him so long as my needs (and his) are being met-mine mainly being that I need to have a feeling of security (and that may be achieved simply by him communicating with me that he needs more space or letting me know the limits of his abilities to connect and allowing me to work around that) and if he isn't then perhaps we should spend time apart and reconnect as friends down the line. I let him know that he's a good person, but that telling someone honestly how you feel (even if it's hurtful) is a selfless gift and i just want him to not ghost me. I have not heard back yet (it was a long text and i expect it may take him some time to process) but I don't do on again off again relationships (hate it in fact) so if he chooses not to respond then I will know, and will move on. I just wish it would be done with open, honest communication. And on a side note, one of the things I HATE is when people assume what my motivations, desires or wants are, so I try to never ever do it to others. Yet somehow a ghost feels like someone is doing that to me "Well hopefully she just gets the hint over time that I am no longer interested". I just don't operate that way. If you aren't in this, tell me.
It was a surprisingly hard message to write. Probably because all of my inclinations are that he either won't respond or will cut things off. But my happiness was starting to suffer so I would rather know than wait for some "what if" moment in the future. No longer interested in sustaining myself on either good memories from the past or unrealistic fantasies of the future.
Thanks to EVERYONE who has been a model of strength. I will keep everyone posted on how things unfold.
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Post by nyc718 on Dec 9, 2019 18:23:45 GMT
Update: so it has been a very interesting time around here on the FA boards as of late. Several people have ended things with their FA partners and i want you all to know (those of you in this position) that each one of those accounts,all the pain, it affected me deeply and led me to my own realizations with my FA partner. The advice as well (even if I didn't always like what i saw ha) was invaluable. This morning, I decided to message my FA partner and lay things out for him. I asked him if he was still invested in this relationship and told him if he was that's great and I am willing to work with him so long as my needs (and his) are being met-mine mainly being that I need to have a feeling of security (and that may be achieved simply by him communicating with me that he needs more space or letting me know the limits of his abilities to connect and allowing me to work around that) and if he isn't then perhaps we should spend time apart and reconnect as friends down the line. I let him know that he's a good person, but that telling someone honestly how you feel (even if it's hurtful) is a selfless gift and i just want him to not ghost me. I have not heard back yet (it was a long text and i expect it may take him some time to process) but I don't do on again off again relationships (hate it in fact) so if he chooses not to respond then I will know, and will move on. I just wish it would be done with open, honest communication. And on a side note, one of the things I HATE is when people assume what my motivations, desires or wants are, so I try to never ever do it to others. Yet somehow a ghost feels like someone is doing that to me "Well hopefully she just gets the hint over time that I am no longer interested". I just don't operate that way. If you aren't in this, tell me. It was a surprisingly hard message to write. Probably because all of my inclinations are that he either won't respond or will cut things off. But my happiness was starting to suffer so I would rather know than wait for some "what if" moment in the future. No longer interested in sustaining myself on either good memories from the past or unrealistic fantasies of the future. Thanks to EVERYONE who has been a model of strength. I will keep everyone posted on how things unfold. I'm glad you said what you needed to say. I hope he does respond in some way to you. I think you were honest and authentic. If it's "too much" for him, then it will confirm that he really isn't capable of having a meaningful relationship. Wishing you the best. |
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addict
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Post by addict on Dec 9, 2019 19:36:27 GMT
Aww I do feel for you...it's so difficult as you just don't feel like you did the right thing...you did..you just feel like you wished you hadnt asked as youre now waiting and it's torture!! I hope he does reply to you..I think it's so much kinder to for you both...Im in torture after 2 months of ghosting and I know exactly how you feel..I have told myself he simply cannot go against his thoughts and just say " I don't want to talk to you again" for whatever reason he wants me to work out that his distance is him saying it's over and I've moved on..the thing is we had so many times when he went quiet if he didn't reply for a week it didn't mean he'd gone..but I know he has now...I think ghosting just prolongs all the heartache...sending big hugs to you...
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Dec 9, 2019 20:12:29 GMT
Update: so it has been a very interesting time around here on the FA boards as of late. Several people have ended things with their FA partners and i want you all to know (those of you in this position) that each one of those accounts,all the pain, it affected me deeply and led me to my own realizations with my FA partner. The advice as well (even if I didn't always like what i saw ha) was invaluable. This morning, I decided to message my FA partner and lay things out for him. Oh, kittygirl, you are so strong and honest. Well done. You will get a clarification out of this, one way or another. If it feels sad, I am sure it feels better sooner than if you had stayed in limbo. It might be christmas coming up that forces through some actions from us. At least it is for me. I didn't want to spend the holiday wondering if he is going to invite me or not. I want to enjoy myself and be happy. |
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Post by serenity on Dec 10, 2019 1:39:02 GMT
Sending you big Hugs too <3 That was a very brave thing to do, I can imagine the courage it took to send that message. Though it may mean facing the extent of his avoidance and disconnection right now , it will spare you a lot of pain IMO.
sending love.
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 10, 2019 2:54:53 GMT
I may sound harsh but its not your problem. A secure will work through this and not need weeks of space, not talk, etc, etc. We may need to wallow in it, panic for a bit but we dont hide and run away from our partners and deal.
None of us should have to deal with a partner that cant deal with their own stuff neglecting/cant talk for weeks, etc like above I said, this is not how relationships work. You are there for each other. I get we need to work through things but doesn't mean we have to take those that cant deal and shut down. Its not healthy.
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Post by kittygirl on Dec 10, 2019 12:10:00 GMT
Alright, update update: He responded last night.
What i received from him was one of the most vulnerable, heartfelt and meaningful messages I have ever gotten from someone. It was long, but in summary he explained that he is simply going through too much of his own personal stuff to be able to meet my needs. He also talked about being in a "freeze state" (his words) and that he needs to pull himself out. He said he doesn't want to ever not know me but that he feels like he is overwhelmed with his own stuff and has to prioritize that. (again there was more here but I am summing up)
I responded that I was so grateful for the message, and that I can can only imagine his pain. I told him that he is going to get through this. But, I let him know that I need some time with no contact, and I let him know clearly that this isn't because I am vindictive, angry or manipulative, but it's because if we are ever going to attempt a friendship in the future (I am friends with almost all my exes so I sort of know what works for me) that I have to know I am entering that friendship with sincerity-no agenda to get back together, no wanting more from him that he can give. Just two people who can count on each other. That takes time as I can't simply downshift my feelings overnight. I reminded him of things I love about him and that he's a good person.
He was crying, I was crying, but it was probably one of the "best" (can that be a thing?) breakups I have ever had.
I think what made my initial message to him hard, was that I knew I had to be ready to let go should that be what he needed. And I knew that I had to act now, or I was going to fill with resentment, and all those wonderful memories we shared would be replaced with bitterness and confusion, and Id be left with the scorched remains of this thing that once meant so much to me. (I saw this same sentiment from another poster recently and it's how I feel as well)
For anyone reading this who may be on the fence about doing what I did or just ending it outright in your own way, know this-the sadness and pain I feel now, while really shitty of course, PALES in comparison to the feelings I felt while in a confusing relationship with this FA man (thats not smoke I'm blowing up your ass to make myself feel better, that is the truth). I felt I had no firm ground to stand on and it was extremely jarring and was starting to affect my self esteem (I normally have a lot of confidence in relationships-I'm not jealous at all, i am myself highly independent and I always assume the best from my partner-but the inconsistency and erratic behavior with this person brought out a side in me that i didn't even know existed and it was extremely hard). Sadness from a breakup is something I can deal with-that's just life. I actually slept through the night for the first time in WEEKS last night. That is what a difference it made. KNOWING what is happening makes all the difference.
One day I will write a long thread about all the things I learned about myself from this experience, but right now I'm going to focus on feeling the sadness, growing and using this as an excuse to eat ice cream (sale on Ben and Jerry's today!)
Thanks you guys SO MUCH for all the support, hugs and kind words. I know that the grieving process comes in waves and I may very well be back on here to vent, cry or whatever. But I am so glad with myself that I did what I did and grateful that he's a good person who gave me that closure. It's true how we all talk about these FA partners and how they are utterly unique and special...there's got to be something to that. He fits that description so well. Have never and will never know someone quite like him again.
Love and hugs <3
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Dec 10, 2019 13:44:43 GMT
Oh, kittygirl, this made me cry... What a tender and lovely closure. He seems like a good man with an awareness, that might make him take a step closer til healing some day. We have so much in common in our stories. If we think of it as someone we are meant to meet, because we have to face something within ourselves, these unofficial relationships gives meaning. Even if it isn't the answer we originally searched for. Big hug and best wishes. Please keep us updated with future vents, setbacks and so on. |
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Post by serenity on Dec 10, 2019 18:06:15 GMT
I felt I had no firm ground to stand on and it was extremely jarring and was starting to affect my self esteem (I normally have a lot of confidence in relationships-I'm not jealous at all, i am myself highly independent and I always assume the best from my partner-but the inconsistency and erratic behavior with this person brought out a side in me that i didn't even know existed and it was extremely hard). Sadness from a breakup is something I can deal with-that's just life. I actually slept through the night for the first time in WEEKS last night. That is what a difference it made. KNOWING what is happening makes all the difference. Hugs Kitty, It really sucks that you were left with no options other than giving up the romantic relationship for the sake of your mental and physical health. You made a wise and brave decision, as painful as it is in the short term. Its sad to me when a loved one will choose to lose you rather than stop harming the person who cares for them most. You know they will miss your love and care, but its not your job to sacrifice your wellbeing. The intermittent reinforcement dynamic is so very harmful and addictive, there are so many harmful aspects to it...the anxiety it arouses, the preoccupation, the effects on self esteem, memory and physical health. I was just watching a video about how the limbic-system based anxiety it arouses effects amydyla and hippocompus brain function(and size), long term memory and such. Even if the person inflicting intermittent reinforcement behavior doesn't intend harm, the effects are brutal anyway. I wish you the best for your recovery and healing. <3 |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 10, 2019 18:37:00 GMT
kittygirl, I am sorry for your breakup pain! Even when you've done the best thing for yourself it still sucks to mourn, but it sounds like you already know things will just get better for you with a bit of time. It is knowing that makes things better, but it's also being able to honestly communicate your piece as well. You took really positive steps for yourself in doing that, for which you can be proud of yourself.
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Post by kittygirl on Dec 16, 2019 15:41:30 GMT
Thanks to everyone who sent me kind words of encouragement. I am really struggling today. I have been feeling good about everything but today I just broke down. It's been a week since we ended it and I think I am finally starting to accept that it's really over. It's weird because our relationship was short (6 months) and almost exclusively long distance but this sort of belies it's importance to me, or how invested I was. I am normally deeply guarded but with him, I REALLY made an effort to open up and talk about myself (which I hate doing) and share things I haven't really with any other boy I have been with. It's funny you know, but I genuinely do think that most of the time there is unevenness in attachment between 2 people (this has always been my experience in the past at least) and with all of my previous relationships, my partner was more attached to me than I was to them (I loved them! Don't get me wrong. But I don't think it was ever maybe on the same level. I have an ex for example that will write me letters 15 years after breaking up that he still wants to be with me) but with him, I just was on the other side of the coin. There is no fault in this. I'ts certainly not his fault at all. That's just life. But it's a very hard pill to swallow (I'm choking over here! ha). This is just an especially hard breakup. I don't regret my actions for even a second (of making my needs be known and allowing him the choice of whether or not to proceed armed with this knowledge) but shit, this hurts a lot. And I know it will get better. I also know there were a few of us ( jules, @bohemianraspberry, nyc718) who all ended our relationships around the same time so I guess I am just wanting to post a message into a place of understanding. Like falling into a cloud. No one needs to respond. I just want to get it out. Also, a big part of wanting to post all of this stuff is that I want to document my journey as I go through this. Not only to help myself but also help others who may be pouring over the boards like I did. I don't want to leave anything out like "Day 1-we ended things. I feel really good and empowered about it" and then nothing until "Day 146-sorry I have been gone forever but I feel GREAT now and I am back" while leaving out all the little bits in between where my real struggle and growth come from. This is a process for me so forgive me if it feels annoying or tired to be reading this stuff. It's what I feel like I have to do. |
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Post by kittygirl on Dec 16, 2019 15:41:50 GMT
Thanks to everyone who sent me kind words of encouragement. I am really struggling today. I have been feeling good about everything but today I just broke down. It's been a week since we ended it and I think I am finally starting to accept that it's really over. It's weird because our relationship was short (6 months) and almost exclusively long distance but this sort of belies it's importance to me, or how invested I was. I am normally deeply guarded but with him, I REALLY made an effort to open up and talk about myself (which I hate doing) and share things I haven't really with any other boy I have been with. It's funny you know, but I genuinely do think that most of the time there is unevenness in attachment between 2 people (this has always been my experience in the past at least) and with all of my previous relationships, my partner was more attached to me than I was to them (I loved them! Don't get me wrong. But I don't think it was ever maybe on the same level.) but with him, I just was on the other side of the coin. There is no fault in this. I'ts certainly not his fault at all. That's just life. But it's a very hard pill to swallow (I'm choking over here! ha). This is just an especially hard breakup. I don't regret my actions for even a second (of making my needs be known and allowing him the choice of whether or not to proceed armed with this knowledge) but shit, this hurts a lot. And I know it will get better. I also know there were a few of us ( jules , @bohemianraspberry, nyc718 ) who all ended our relationships around the same time so I guess I am just wanting to post a message into a place of understanding. Like falling into a cloud. No one needs to respond. I just want to get it out. Also, a big part of wanting to post all of this stuff is that I want to document my journey as I go through this. Not only to help myself but also help others who may be pouring over the boards like I did. I don't want to leave anything out like "Day 1-we ended things. I feel really good and empowered about it" and then nothing until "Day 146-sorry I have been gone forever but I feel GREAT now and I am back" while leaving out all the little bits in between where my real struggle and growth come from. This is a process for me so forgive me if it feels annoying or tired to be reading this stuff. It's what I feel like I have to do. |
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