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Post by Deleted on Dec 6, 2019 2:53:17 GMT
I never downloaded the app, but I've got to watch a friend using it. How completely superficial. My new dating site friend, let's kall him C, and I have been chatting for 3 hours about our divorces, ex-partners, sexuality and a lot of stuff. We agree that we might not be good for each other, but both of us think it is really interesting to chat about this issues. And since we both are aware that we are a bit damaged and are looking for more introspection, I find the connection with C rewarding and not harmful. I call this some sort of thing trauma bonding. This is just me but how I feel about it/see it. You are way too intimate for knowing each other for a few hours. to me things should be a bit light hearted and getting to know a person hobbies, jobs, life goals, etc. Things they are into not past relations. Why are we talking about the past instead of who you've become. That said, I know past relations are a big factor, I just dont see jumping into that so fast as healthy. its good to talk about it just not jump into it.
Im not you but i just cant comprehend jumping into such details so soon. But Im not insecure attached person so I see things different. Im not you. I just dont know, I cant jump in like that even though Im very open emotionally, very aware etc. Im so open I can stick my foot in my mouth sometimes! haha
Take your time, dont jump in!!
Ultimately you need to match in life goals, etc not just attachment.
Absolutely- very hasty reveals of sensitive stuff to a stranger over the internet- and not anonymously on a help forum, on an app intended for dating. Boundary issues galore. Watch this "connection" grow into the next toxic fairy tale begun very badly, and then becoming familiar, pseudo-trustandintinacy... I'm exploring my issues so maybe he will too and eventually... oops we met and it was amazing and he's not available... why?!? We just have shared sooooo much. So much intimate information. Doesn't that mean we are intimate? NO. It means you have poor boundaries with strangers. It's just a very strange way to go about "recovering". And have never even met. That was the story last go round. Reluctance to meet- but we have this amazing connection. Amazing. Painful and not able to go anywhere. But amazing. |
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Post by serenity on Dec 6, 2019 7:05:41 GMT
Hi Bohemianrasberry,
I can see why you would feel a need to vent, and usually I'd see venting as healthy too.. it `empties the bucket' when you are emotionally overloaded or have felt shut down in a relationship. Its understandable that you ran with a situation where you were encouraged to talk.
I guess I would view this interaction as a form of early trauma bonding and high risk behavior too, if it was me doing it. I consider myself to have trauma bonded to my ex, and I still feel vulnerable.
Trauma bonds seem to get transferred easily when they are unhealed, especially if you're not aware you are in one.
This is how it may be playing out in your situation: The new guy stated that he was unavailable and not looking for commitment, because it makes him feel `owned'. (Trigger and possible hook)...He's risky and unavailable like FA boyfriend, but in this instance is acting available, communicative, the things you have been craving. There is a risk of your bond with your ex transferring to this man, for a sense of soothing your ex would give when he cycled back.
Instead of moving along because of incompatibility, you build a lot of intimacy by talking deeply about sex and relationships, coming at it from opposite sides (unavailable man, available woman). Trigger. trigger. trigger. (on both sides) Its likely sparking a lot of wounded and anxious feelings in both of you, that can feel like attraction. You both trigger wounds and sooth each other.
Now he has a lot of intimate sensitive information about you, and you feel connected because of deep sharing. You don't know him or how he will use it. If you stay close, he could manipulate you, neg you, start a push-pull dynamic and get you hooked. Part of you may want this because it feels familiar , you still crave the soothing `high' of a trauma bond, and you are not yet healed.
Thats how it could play out if you are not aware of it. If you take your time and go slow, he may become available. Its just risky atm IMO, because his unavailability could be hooking you into the attraction and bad dynamics.
Just my thoughts. Glad you are taking steps to move forward!
<3
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Dec 6, 2019 7:19:33 GMT
Thank you everyone for replying. I didn't think of it as trauma bonding, but certainly it could be the case. And here I am again, trying to help another person to get aware of his issues. Ouch.
At least, this time I am trying to fix my own shit too... I will say two steps forward, one step back.
I actually just concluded that we both have bad boundaries, before I read these latest posts. So I am much more aware of my own contribution to this dynamics this time.
I understand I have to be careful and do my healing before going any further with this man.
Thank you, lovely people!
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