The Softboi

Thanks @janedoe, happy to be helpful!

Oh, for sure! It's not the vulnerability that's the problem or tell-tale sign. It's that it's all style over substance and self-absorption mixed with deflection. "He was a real charmer... and, it works, until it doesn't" is a great description.

No, there's no need for paranoia. Armed with information, you can figure this out by being upfront and asking the right questions at the beginning. The softbois usually have a tumultuous dating history behind them and will be honest about it if asked, or even offer tidbits. They think it makes them sound more vulnerable and interesting. Getting their dating background coupled with being upfront and saying it if you're ideally looking for a commitment (not jumping into one but saying that's your intention in dating in general) and seeing whether or not they give real answers with consistent and aligned words/actions OR if they give deflecting non-answers that you can read into however you want will generally provide you with enough information to not get in too deep if you're looking for more.

I'm with you on this mostly. Of course, you need to judge why he was pausing and so forth, but if someone (esp men) isn't direct in his ask, i generally take it as he doesn't want it enough. when i first started seeing my partner, i said i want to be friends first then see how it goes, and that with him, i'm happy to stay friends if it doesn't work out. his reply was something like "I am not looking for friends, I have more than enough friends. if you want friendship as a base to build a relationship, i'm down for that. but i'm not interested in only making friends." It gave me pause and looked at him from a different light, and I had to decide also to commit to dating him without the caveat of a friendship. That said, other men have said similar things to me and i just went "ok, bye" because i felt like they only wanted to see me in a particular light for a role i.e., their girlfriend rather than see me fully as a person i.e., as a life partner. 

i agree completely about pausing being bad news. I'm with you on this; the only pass I give is when I think he's pausing to phrase a response to what i've said. In my example, i didn't ask a straightforward qn of what he wanted, i was just chatting about what I wanted and my approach to things, and he was probably surprised at certain things I've said and needed a moment to communicate to me what he wanted. so the pause wasn't a commitment phone response. In hindsight actually, I was the commitment phobe - if asked, I always said i was looking for friends first, and if there was more, we can go from there. hahha! 

you're right; I think in my example, he was very direct without being pushy about it and wasn't looking at me to fill a role, but evaluating me for compatibility in various aspects. that's why it worked out well in terms of that conversation. 

 

Yes, absolutely, and it was always one-sided. I eventually realized that meant the person was boring themselves! Because often they seem to feel empty but not reflect on working through that. They're happy with distraction until it stops working for them, and then they need novelty.

of course i value a man appreciating a mind over my appearance (but I do want to be told I'm pretty and attractive lol). it's a red flag in so far as if that's the key thing that attracts them as a novelty factor that they get tired of because it no longer amuses them - because it entertains them and not because they truly respect you for it, is compatible with it and want to keep it in their lives. It's a very fine line there that I've started noticing. Initially, they get interested because it seems like a challenge and it's fascinating because it's interesting in itself and it's different from the average. it doesn't mean that they want it consistently in their lives from a partner. As an example, my ex was way more intelligent than i am in a very specific occupation that is highly logical and rational and numbers based. he was very fascinated by me because I could match him in conversations and introduce a new angle to it. after a while when things settle down, those conversations were annoying to him because it's no longer interesting to have new perspectives  and the way i think is no longer a novelty (because he got used to it). it has now become that I am combative and challenging. i'm now much more aware of this idea that my mind is fascinating - it can mean that it is used as entertainment that kept their attention and after some time, no longer entertaining. it moved then to becoming more sexual to be attractive and keep their attention, which is another issue in itself because of how devaluing and self disrespecting it can be.