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Post by serenity on Jan 6, 2020 3:57:35 GMT
I agree with iz42. Theres nothing wrong with having the conversation. But my take is I would interpret it as normal pull-back after a lot of intimacy, and one the core behaviors of unaware avoidants. Its something that would take a lot of active work and probably a few years of therapy to change. I guess if you mention it to him, it could be taken as criticism or an attempt to control his need for a bit of space? And he's likely to not have a good answer for the pull back (work, `I'm busy' are the usual explanations they give).
If you're normally the person to reach out, try giving him 4-5 days to decompress and see if that works?. Clinging and protest behaviour only magnify avoidance and your anxiety along with it.
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 6, 2020 7:45:10 GMT
I agree with iz42. Theres nothing wrong with having the conversation. But my take is I would interpret it as normal pull-back after a lot of intimacy, and one the core behaviors of unaware avoidants. Its something that would take a lot of active work and probably a few years of therapy to change. I guess if you mention it to him, it could be taken as criticism or an attempt to control his need for a bit of space? And he's likely to not have a good answer for the pull back (work, `I'm busy' are the usual explanations they give). If you're normally the person to reach out, try giving him 4-5 days to decompress and see if that works?. Clinging and protest behaviour only magnify avoidance and your anxiety along with it. Thanks! I did reach out today (day 4) and he responded within two hours... wasn’t his usual very quick when he’s “in” / out of avoidance... I understand that last week especially was really intimate. I think it’s a good thing how close / connected we are, but it is intense, and I can see how that’s scary. So I feel he’s still cooling down... I think I’ll wait for him to suggest hanging out. I do agree with you both on the defensive take and believe you... but I also feel like how can he heal if he has no idea about attachment theory. I think he is looking into therapy. So I guess I want to mention it in a way of “hey this helped me so much.” But outside of attachment theory, I’m trying to wrap my head around how to talk about what being a girlfriend means to him, needs, or something. TBH, I’ve never had this chat - or that I can remember - esp not with an avoidant... so I have no idea where to begin. It’s not like I want to say “we have to talk everyday” or anything, but I would like some sense of consistent communication - mainly so I don’t get too triggered thinking he’s going to ghost and for our bond to grow and to know what’s up with him. Writing these out to brainstorm and maybe someone has some ideas: - communication of his needs, if he’s upset, mad, or needs space (I’ve said the latter to him) - sense of consistent communication (but this sounds weird) - in person time - trust (I’ve said this to him too, and he said he trust me) and trust that I’m on his side - I want him to feel safe and I need to feel safe (which mainly means if he’s communicating and not ghosting I’ll feel safe) - vulnerability (I’ve said this to him too) I can’t think of anything else right now... but those are the main things. To me the thing you truly have to ask yourself here (and tbh, this post seems a hell of a lot like Bohemianraspberry's post a while ago, literally bending herself to match the insecurity and dysfunctional emotional state of her F-A), is this a true loving relationship? With interdependence not codependence/dependence. Is it a fantasy bond? This is how I detached myself from my ex, because to me, if she doesn't work on herself and become an earnt "secure attachment" talk to me, and a therapist, and work through and relinquish her trauma, identify her flashback triggers and stop her inner critical voice, have that true awakening and find true self love and acceptance. There is no relationship of substance to be had  , only more pain and suffering for you. It's good to do the things you're planning, you can only be vulnerable, show you care, but if they can't love themselves and trust others truly at their core, there can't be a true loving relationship, only a codependent relationship, where your anxiety goes through the roof with the intermittent reinforcement. I've been talking to Liberty Cairde (youtube F-A) actually via Zoom, she coaches now, she's been aware for 4 years, and has taken 2 years to get to near secure with a tremendous amount of work and self awareness using Pete Walkers book CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, she's rid herself of the psychosomatic symptoms, inner critical voice and self loves herself now. An F-A would have to be striving for that imao to be relationship worthy. |
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Post by serenity on Jan 6, 2020 7:51:44 GMT
I suppose I wanted to ask, what are your intentions with this conversation ? Are you wanting to present him with your authentic needs, to confirm whether he can or cannot meet them? And are you willing to walk away if he can't, or says he can then back flips at a later date?
Considering you already know he's avoidant and has struggled with a lot of that stuff already, especially consistency, are you looking for a compromise (if so, what are you prepared to compromise?) or is this more of a bid to try to change him?
I think it will help if you try to figure this out, keeping in mind he is Avoidant, and not that person with the abilities on your list. Avoidants are inconsistent, struggle with good communication and vulnerability, they bottle up conflict and avoid conflict resolution, and they deactivate without an explanation periodically. Is there a middle ground that you believe would make you feel satisfied with the relationship?
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Post by amber on Jan 6, 2020 8:04:21 GMT
I suppose I wanted to ask, what are your intentions with this conversation ? Are you wanting to present him with your authentic needs, to confirm whether he can or cannot meet them? And are you willing to walk away if he can't, or says he can then back flips at a later date? Considering you already know he's avoidant and has struggled with a lot of that stuff already, especially consistency, are you looking for a compromise (if so, what are you prepared to compromise?) or is this more of a bid to try to change him? I think it will help if you try to figure this out, keeping in mind he is Avoidant, and not that person with the abilities on your list. Avoidants are inconsistent, struggle with good communication and vulnerability, they bottle up conflict and avoid conflict resolution, and they deactivate without an explanation periodically. Is there a middle ground that you believe would make you feel satisfied with the relationship? Serenity such a good summary of avoidants! I needed to hear this as it makes total sense why my ex is having flip flop communication with me at the moment..you are very wise x |
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Post by Helsbells on Jan 6, 2020 13:31:07 GMT
I suppose I wanted to ask, what are your intentions with this conversation ? Are you wanting to present him with your authentic needs, to confirm whether he can or cannot meet them? And are you willing to walk away if he can't, or says he can then back flips at a later date? Considering you already know he's avoidant and has struggled with a lot of that stuff already, especially consistency, are you looking for a compromise (if so, what are you prepared to compromise?) or is this more of a bid to try to change him? I think it will help if you try to figure this out, keeping in mind he is Avoidant, and not that person with the abilities on your list. Avoidants are inconsistent, struggle with good communication and vulnerability, they bottle up conflict and avoid conflict resolution, and they deactivate without an explanation periodically. Is there a middle ground that you believe would make you feel satisfied with the relationship? These are good questions. I guess my intentions are to let him know what I need (which I’m historically not good at expressing these but am trying to work on it), provide confidence in the connection, show him my vulnerability and that I care enough to be direct, give him a chance to express his needs and address any thoughts/issues with what I’m asking for. I know it will be a struggle, but I’m willing to be there, support him, etc as long as he’s actively trying and not just writing me off for weeks on end. As for compromise, I need to think about this one some more. But I think it goes back to what we were talking about earlier a) I need to work on my anxiety; b) I need to try to communicate my needs and something like a date night once every X time might help I think a middle ground that would make me happy and satisfied is one where there’s a decent amount of space (as I actually do appreciate space since I’m pretty independent), working communication / vulnerability and openness, set plans - even if far out - but this would help my anxiety, no eggshells, and knowing we’re both working on ourselves (and can talk about it like we have started to). I guess in writing this out, it doesn’t feel too far off actually or unreasonable... and maybe this weekend has been the 4-5 days post super intimacy. I don’t mind that time period if I knew it wasn’t going to end up in ghosting me... and I think that’s the problem and maybe that just takes a couple of months of consistency, effort etc as alexandra mentioned for me to be able to trust more that won’t happen. I would like to address my fear of him ghosting me. But, basically I can handle some cooling off days etc, I don’t need to hang out everyday etc, but yeh, I guess writing it out - it’s the fear of ghosting / total shutdown thing that is feeding my anxiety - and I guess that comes down to my core issue of fear of abandonment. Which I independently have to work on as that was there before him, but he also has to work on building the trust back with me... which I think he’s trying to do. Or it seems. Hi Caroline I went down the road off working on my insecurities over the last 12mths and was completely different when my ex came back to me 6mths ago. I gave him all the space he needed and never put any pressure on him to change i was loving and calm. I think he put pressure on himself over time like he new it probably wasnt enough for me and the lack of intimacy would soon start to take its toll on both off us. He started to have real physical problems his body would break out in terrible boils, and his shoulders ached constantly. I feel they were all stress related as he was in such inner conflict, wanting to stay and wanting to run. I truly believe he wants to be a relationship but these deep rooted attachment issues continue to play out. I love my ex but as time was going on as much as I had changed inside I never felt safe and secure and just couldn't see away we could sustain the relationship without any real intimacy to deepen the connection it takes to have a long term fulfilling relationship.The friday morning the very same day that he left me in the evening we were sat in bed chatting and drinking tea. We were making some plans for getting healthier and fitter. He said to me apart from wanting to get healthier I'm really happy with everything else in my life. You can read on my thread what unfolded the same evening, basically after drunken words on both sides, he left clearing all his stuff and blocked me on everything so complete no contact saying it was the kindest thing to do all round. Sometimes he told me I should call him out more, but I dont believe in reality that would have made much difference. He has spent his whole life this way but doesn't want to change. I am struggling today with being totally cut off from him, I know no contact is for the best but today it really really hurts. I truly hope you can work things out and have a healthy relationship with this man best wishes. |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 6, 2020 17:11:06 GMT
caro, I agree that you need to get clear on what you want and need for this to go forward in a healthy way. Is all this analysis helping you do that or is it primarily a way to try to control the situation so that you can keep your fear in check? Make space for yourself to also enjoy this relationship and not worry so much about triggering him. It's not going to be worth it if you need to approach it with a walking on eggshells mindset before it even begins. While it's important to figure out and define your boundaries for the relationship, and then hold steady with them, once you've done that then it's a matter of continuing to focus on yourself so that you truly believe you'll be okay no matter how this relationship works out. What I've found in my experience is if someone can't recover, meaning seeking and accepting repair, relatively easily from getting triggered by something you do (assuming you're not doing anything abusive or steamrolling their boundaries and it's their projection of their issues), it's because they haven't gotten far enough in their own process to show up and they don't feel like the relationship has a stable foundation. But it's not stable because they're still willing to bail over any little disagreement as they lack the proper coping and communication skills to handle it. And if that's the case, it will be true whether you are overly cautious or not. So if it's taking up a lot of your mindset and detracting from the joy and partnership of the relationship, then you're overfunctioning out of distrust of one or both of you. That's why I recommend observing his consistency over the next couple months, but it doesn't mean you should be afraid to be yourself and reach out when you want and say what you want to say. If that causes him to shut down, then he's not ready yet or compatible enough with you anyway.
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Post by kittygirl on Jan 6, 2020 20:12:08 GMT
I agree so much with what alexandra says here! My FA and I broke up coming on a month (can't believe I have been able to be strong for a MONTH! Proud of m'self) and when it came down to be finally being like "I am not cool with how I am being treated right now" I knew I had to act then and now. He was in the midst of a full on deactivation (caused in his case by serious life events) and I knew that if I pushed at that time there was a very serious chance he would dip out on me. But the alternative was simply unacceptable-that I wait for him to be "ready" to deal with the relationship? It took me a few weeks of preparing myself mentally and when I finally decided to write him the text of "hey uhhh this isn't actually going to work for me if I don't have consistency" I was fully aware of the likely outcome (spoiler: he chose to dip). But that's when I really realized that we simply weren't compatible. Life is a shit show and I have to have someone (this is me personally) who is going to be there. A rock. He simply couldn't (COULDN'T) be what I needed. I sort of feel like if I can't talk to you about what is troubling and be my true authentic self than who are you dating? An actor. I couldn't do it. I am me and I want someone to love me, warts and all. Something interesting that he told me (he was relatively good at being able to talk about his feelings actually-at least to the degree that he could) was he was CONVINCED he was going to let me down. Convinced. Not like "worried" about it. But as convinced as I am the sky is blue. It was a reality for him. He was 100% going to let me down (and he said he felt like he already did). No amount of "no no it's not like that" was going to change his reality. So for him, trying to stay in a relationship where you know (in his mind) you aren't enough and never will be is torturous. It would be for anyone. That would cause so much pain and in the end we just couldn't make it work. I have no idea if your guy is like this as well with this sort of thinking, but if he is it might help you to hear the perspective of an FA and add that to your arsenal of knowledge, for what it's worth moving forward Please be well. And remember that relationships don't have to feel like a land mine field of guessing and second guessing etc. You deserve the absolute best and I hope you find a man who gives it to you. |
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Post by serenity on Jan 6, 2020 20:27:23 GMT
I experienced those same issues in relationships with avoidants. Whilst I think dismissing their triggers just causes more avoidance and deepens the addictive intermittent reinforcement dynamic, ultimately I feel better placed as friend rather than a romantic partner. Avoidants need love and care, but they've got to learn how to be there for other people as well. Its painful for anyone secure or AP to deal with their legitimate romantic needs being met with distance, broken connection, and ghosting from their partner.
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Post by amber on Jan 6, 2020 20:28:33 GMT
From reading your posts Caroline it sounds like this relationship is taking up an enormous amount of headspace, trying to constantly figure things out, analysing, predicting his behaviour, trying to preempt how to be around him, what to say. It must be exhausting for you...I can relate as this is how I felt with my ex FA...it’s an eggshell walk. U feel like if u step a foot wrong the r/ship will crash and burn as they are so unstable and fragile. Can you live like this?? In the end I noticed it took a toll on it physical health with heart palpitations and weight loss. I went no contact for a month, had some contact recently and start losing weight again, can’t eat properly and having sleeping trouble. Not a good sign
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Post by amber on Jan 6, 2020 20:30:46 GMT
I also came to a conclusion last night that being with an avoidant and accepting their crumbs/ avoidant behaviour (because challenging them makes it even worse) actually enables their behaviour and helps keep them stuck in their patterns .
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 6, 2020 21:37:19 GMT
To me the thing you truly have to ask yourself here (and tbh, this post seems a hell of a lot like Bohemianraspberry's post a while ago, literally bending herself to match the insecurity and dysfunctional emotional state of her F-A), is this a true loving relationship? With interdependence not codependence/dependence. Is it a fantasy bond? This is how I detached myself from my ex, because to me, if she doesn't work on herself and become an earnt "secure attachment" talk to me, and a therapist, and work through and relinquish her trauma, identify her flashback triggers and stop her inner critical voice, have that true awakening and find true self love and acceptance. There is no relationship of substance to be had , only more pain and suffering for you. It's good to do the things you're planning, you can only be vulnerable, show you care, but if they can't love themselves and trust others truly at their core, there can't be a true loving relationship, only a codependent relationship, where your anxiety goes through the roof with the intermittent reinforcement. I've been talking to Liberty Cairde (youtube F-A) actually via Zoom, she coaches now, she's been aware for 4 years, and has taken 2 years to get to near secure with a tremendous amount of work and self awareness using Pete Walkers book CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, she's rid herself of the psychosomatic symptoms, inner critical voice and self loves. An F-A would have to be striving for that imao to be relationship worthy. You’re right... I was trying to adjust to cater to his avoidance, and that’s not being true to myself nor being vulnerable, showing I care, etc. it’s helpful to be called out for this. Me walking on eggshells - which I don’t in person with him but over text in between time spent is just different it seems - doesn’t help. I totally agree with you, if he’s not willing to work on himself - there can’t really be a healthy relationship. I’m not angry, for multiple reasons including he’s unaware of all this and is trying to work on himself and connect, I can see these things - but I think I’m just annoyed at myself for going down an anxious route last night, maybe I should’ve had an even more direct conversation while I had the perfect opportunity (and I did have a direct conversation but not focused as much as it should’ve been), and frankly, it is just heartbreaking to think of all the pain he’s going through, my pain too, and thinking of the thought of it all not being able to be overcame. But, like you said, all I can do is be vulnerable, show I care, give it a chance and realize the situation and also be true to myself too. It’s interesting how I’m so good at being confident, not AP, not walking on eggshells, being very direct, etc in person with him - but not great at those things when we aren’t in person. Like last week and the week before, I was 100% on, but I guess it’s the anxiety that creeps in when we’re not together in person. Maybe for him too along with avoidance and that anxiety pushes him further in his head. Thanks for listening. I think I know what I need to do. Don't beat yaself up Caroline, I've been there believe me. Hence why I think the way I do and the realisation. This girl I know will continue to "cycle" as you guys say in here, until she awakens. I just gave her the chance to awaken, it wasn't my place really to do so, but it was from a compassionate/empathic place, it's all I can do, and we are friends, and she knows i'm not here to harm her, just supported her for months emotionally of my own free will expecting nothing, knowing who she is. There are boundaries, but I wanted to do it, to prove someone was there caring only. She even said to me "noone has said some of things you say to me" (my praise for her with her kids and a couple other things), because she is run down by her father and ex. husband, exacerbating the trauma base. Good luck with it, you can only be true to yourself and this guy. |
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Post by amber on Jan 6, 2020 21:50:27 GMT
From reading your posts Caroline it sounds like this relationship is taking up an enormous amount of headspace, trying to constantly figure things out, analysing, predicting his behaviour, trying to preempt how to be around him, what to say. It must be exhausting for you...I can relate as this is how I felt with my ex FA...it’s an eggshell walk. U feel like if u step a foot wrong the r/ship will crash and burn as they are so unstable and fragile. Can you live like this?? In the end I noticed it took a toll on it physical health with heart palpitations and weight loss. I went no contact for a month, had some contact recently and start losing weight again, can’t eat properly and having sleeping trouble. Not a good sign Since it's so early on in this "officialness" and knowing my own healing is important, I'm really trying to prevent the not-in-person eggshells thinking, overanalyzing, etc — which is why I'm writing — to heal from all that. I addressed the eggshells thing in my last post, but basically here's the chain of evolution: 1) In the beginning I didn't walk on eggshells AT ALL... I actually shared some screenshots of conversations with another member I met on the forum who I've gotten close to, and he was like "WTF, this is amazing, you were so blunt" etc. I had never been like that with anyone but I somehow was with him. 2) I started to when a big life event happened for him last summer (ironically or not, that's when things started getting way worse and he became more avoidant... so agree to your and serenity 's point). I'd have a couple of moments of not, but I was really still doing it and we weren't seeing each other in person. 3) In November, I reached out and still was to a degree but still straight fwd but I also was unsure if we had anything or not. 4) Now, haven't been on eggshells at all in person — but in texting/reaching out I have been a little bit and I want/need to just x that out before it starts a lot more. For example, we hung out last Wednesday, and I wanted to give him space, but I thought it was weird we didn't talk over the weekend until yesterday. I get their need for cool down, but what's the "correct," "secure" approach here? We're suppose to be girlfriend/boyfriend — and it's early on — I have no idea what to think... which is making me think a lot. For me, it goes back to "what's my AP-ness" and "what's normal desires/etc." I'm one of those APs that is all internal, not showing to the other person, so I probably appear more avoidant and disinterested vs not. With him, he's probably used to me asking for things when I want them, being direct etc, but we know I'm not always like that — but I'm trying to get back to that. I'd like to talk more consistently, but I can deal with his cool down period needed, but I guess I need that trust of consistency alexandra mentioned, that after that 4 day period or whatever, he'll be ok. Four days isn't a big deal to me, but the anxiety it is provoking since it's so early and given things when we weren't official is the problem for me. Which is part of my overall healing needed too. I don't know if that makes sense, but I'm trying to get my head straight... I agree that a life of eggshells, etc is not healthy, and I don't want that, so I'm trying to nip it in the bud before I begin. Yes I get all that...I think at the end of the day if someone is behaving hot/cold and gets triggered super easy by stuff there’s only so much control u have over yourself to not feel like you are walking on eggshells...unless u r some sort of super human who’s nervous system is incredibly robust, perhaps from a super secure upbringing with amazing parents; you may be able to respond from a totally calm and centred place... but you’re human and AP... saying that you are trying to nip it in the bud now is saying that you have conscious control over your nervous system/reptilian brain, which you don’t really. Sure you can do the inner work to help with that, but I know for myself, with my history, I’ll probably never get to a point where I don’t react somewhat out of my trauma. My therapist said to me recently that you can’t ever fully take the splinter out. It’s a lifetime of trauma and dysfunction when your brain is growing, and although you can heal and improve, you will probably always need to manage this emotional stuff to a degree, self soothe etc. this was a hard reality check for me...at the end of the day I’ve decided I need people who can be moslty consistent and reliable, show up, and if they can’t at times, be willing to work on themselves to change that. I know from experience that romantic relationships and friendships where people are flaky or inconsistent just fucks with my nervous system...I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that! And nor should we, it’s not how humans were designed. We need responsiveness, engagement, and connection in our relationships to feel safe. This is the evolution of the human relational dynamic. It’s thousands of years old. But I do applaud you for trying, that’s a very AP thing too. I have huge trouble overly attaching to people and letting go even when I know people are not the best for me. I still fantasise about getting back with my ex but a larger More wiser part of me knows that is not what I really want and need. I guess time will tell wth you in terms of how this pans out and if you can tolerate his behaviour over time. Have you read Stan tatkins stuff about avoidants? He’s written some incredibly thorough in depth stuff about how their nervous systems work...may shed some light for u. I’ll post a link here to one of his papers sonyathomaslcsw.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/I-want-you-in-the-house-Stan-Tatkin.pdf |
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Post by amber on Jan 6, 2020 22:03:34 GMT
this is from Stan Tatkins paper... helped me so much to understand how avoidants feel when you try to make contact. also helped me understand the push/pull cycle and why they rely on themselves so much. as infants/kids they never had a safe caregiver to turn to so formed the belief they could only rely on self to be safe. Pete Walker talks about this in a freeze state of the nervous system and says that when in freeze mode, people can self medicate by releasing internal opoids that the animal programme is designed to release when in danger. he says in this way they have contentment with their isolation!
“From a psychological perspective, the avoidant child lacks continual interaction with caregivers, and so settles into a form of self-stimulation and self-soothing called ‘autoregulation’. This turning to the self for all things foreshadows future relationship troubles on a variety of levels, most of which involve approach by a primary attachment figure. Another problem closely related to intrusiveness is the avoidant’s experience of startle and attack with the sound and sight of an approaching primary figure. The autoregulatory state is dissociative, energy conserving, and non-interactive. On a neurological level, brain metabolism is low, as is demand for the brains resources. Interaction requires greater central and peripheral nervous system activation, and therefore can be experienced by the avoidant as having to ‘wake up’ as if from deep sleep. The avoidant may feel startled or attacked in response to the sound of an approaching voice or the visual of an approaching person. the avoidant's reflex may be anger, dismissal, withdrawal, and of course avoidance." |
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Post by caro on Jan 6, 2020 22:11:34 GMT
this is from Stan Tatkins paper... helped me so much to understand how avoidants feel when you try to make contact. also helped me understand the push/pull cycle and why they rely on themselves so much. as infants/kids they never had a safe caregiver to turn to so formed the belief they could only rely on self to be safe. Pete Walker talks about this in a freeze state of the nervous system and says that when in freeze mode, people can self medicate by releasing internal opoids that the animal programme is designed to release when in danger. he says in this way they have contentment with their isolation!
“From a psychological perspective, the avoidant child lacks continual interaction with caregivers, and so settles into a form of self-stimulation and self-soothing called ‘autoregulation’. This turning to the self for all things foreshadows future relationship troubles on a variety of levels, most of which involve approach by a primary attachment figure. Another problem closely related to intrusiveness is the avoidant’s experience of startle and attack with the sound and sight of an approaching primary figure. The autoregulatory state is dissociative, energy conserving, and non-interactive. On a neurological level, brain metabolism is low, as is demand for the brains resources. Interaction requires greater central and peripheral nervous system activation, and therefore can be experienced by the avoidant as having to ‘wake up’ as if from deep sleep. The avoidant may feel startled or attacked in response to the sound of an approaching voice or the visual of an approaching person. the avoidant's reflex may be anger, dismissal, withdrawal, and of course avoidance." Thank you, this is super interesting to hear more about the body / nervous system reaction. I'm going to read the link you sent and reply more once I've soaked it up some more. |
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Post by nyc718 on Jan 6, 2020 23:16:36 GMT
this is from Stan Tatkins paper... helped me so much to understand how avoidants feel when you try to make contact. also helped me understand the push/pull cycle and why they rely on themselves so much. as infants/kids they never had a safe caregiver to turn to so formed the belief they could only rely on self to be safe. Pete Walker talks about this in a freeze state of the nervous system and says that when in freeze mode, people can self medicate by releasing internal opoids that the animal programme is designed to release when in danger. he says in this way they have contentment with their isolation!
“From a psychological perspective, the avoidant child lacks continual interaction with caregivers, and so settles into a form of self-stimulation and self-soothing called ‘autoregulation’. This turning to the self for all things foreshadows future relationship troubles on a variety of levels, most of which involve approach by a primary attachment figure. Another problem closely related to intrusiveness is the avoidant’s experience of startle and attack with the sound and sight of an approaching primary figure. The autoregulatory state is dissociative, energy conserving, and non-interactive. On a neurological level, brain metabolism is low, as is demand for the brains resources. Interaction requires greater central and peripheral nervous system activation, and therefore can be experienced by the avoidant as having to ‘wake up’ as if from deep sleep. The avoidant may feel startled or attacked in response to the sound of an approaching voice or the visual of an approaching person. the avoidant's reflex may be anger, dismissal, withdrawal, and of course avoidance." This is very interesting, thank you for this info. I am wondering though where the anxious part kicks in for a FA? I can totally see the safety of withdrawing when feeling engulfed, but how about when they start to swing anxious when their bids for connection aren't met back? I'm very curious about that part of their chemical wiring. I have been thinking a lot about my ex FA who reached out after two years right before Christmas, not in the way that I am considering getting back together with him or even responding to him, because that's a hard NO. But the psychology major in me from oh so long ago is definitely trying to understand how his brain operates that would make him reach out after two years. So much happened in my life in two years without him that I can't even relate to the me who once cared so much about him. I don't recognize that person anymore, I've changed so much, and I would never, ever have contacted him again. I personally would feel too humiliated contacting someone from my past in which we had a difficult breakup and I knew that the other person had bad feelings for me in the end, but that's just me. I'm thinking that two years for him meant something very different than it did for me. I'm not even the same person I was from almost two months ago with my last FA breakup, which makes me think that the more time passes that I don't hear from my last FA will mean the same thing as the one before him, that I no longer have feelings for him, just indifference. |
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, only more pain and suffering 