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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 13, 2020 7:23:36 GMT
mrob It's easier on the ego. I can't tell you how many men ask me why I'm scared. That's why I've asked in other threads, how do you know when someone is legitimately struggling with fear? We obviously know that this is a thing. But I would default to the other belief (it's just not what that person wants). There is just so much to navigate through with trying to partner with a decent person. {edit} I'll remove this post as I think it may have been too direct/confrontational. Apologies for any toes stepped on, not here to cause drama, just to learn/pass on info that I bothered to read the past 12 months or more. I'll try and be more mindful or not comment at all. |
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Post by mrob on Jan 13, 2020 10:08:16 GMT
The other thing is that it’s actually none of anybody’s business what’s going on inside me unless I invite them in. I don’t need a Dr Phil intervention. It’s patronising. I actually have the right to live or destroy my life as I choose.
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Post by mrob on Jan 13, 2020 14:57:29 GMT
I’ll pm you as well @dualcitizen, but it wasn’t directed at you. I find everyone’s viewpoint really useful here. The way the threads weave and the stuff that comes out on this forum is priceless, honestly. So I urge everyone to please not self censor. We don’t have to agree, but very seldom do I leave here without something to think about.
I’m just feeling a bit sensitive at the moment about avoidants being slated, like we’re the only ones with insecure attachment. It takes two to tango. I’m experiencing a lot on the anxious side of the spectrum right now and have a new appreciation for that condition.
But I will not be told that AP behaviour is normal. The longing, the attempting to change, seeing potential rather than what’s there, the crossing boundaries overtly and covertly to achieve an outcome. Whether mentioned directly in this thread or not, none of these are secure behaviours! That’s my rant for the night.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 14, 2020 3:20:51 GMT
I’ll pm you as well @dualcitizen, but it wasn’t directed at you. I find everyone’s viewpoint really useful here. The way the threads weave and the stuff that comes out on this forum is priceless, honestly. So I urge everyone to please not self censor. We don’t have to agree, but very seldom do I leave here without something to think about. I’m just feeling a bit sensitive at the moment about avoidants being slated, like we’re the only ones with insecure attachment. It takes two to tango. I’m experiencing a lot on the anxious side of the spectrum right now and have a new appreciation for that condition. But I will not be told that AP behaviour is normal. The longing, the attempting to change, seeing potential rather than what’s there, the crossing boundaries overtly and covertly to achieve an outcome. Whether mentioned directly in this thread or not, none of these are secure behaviours! That’s my rant for the night. Wow...I don’t recall anyone saying that AP behavior is normal.🤔 |
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Post by amber on Jan 14, 2020 8:11:26 GMT
Don’t be too hard on yourself Caroline. What I’ve learned from my therapist is that the AP tendencies were employed as survival mechanism for when you were a child,to survive the unsurvivable. Underneath these behaviours is pain and feelings that got shoved down, with the use of survival mechanisms. That’s what they are for-to keep feelings suppressed. So feel and be with the old feelings and the survival mechanisms start to loosen their grip on you. You can’t jjst magically consciously change the behaviour but you can be aware of it and not act it out as much. The real change from what I’ve learned is dealing with the unconscious suppressed feelings, that’s what ultimately changes the behavior
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Post by kittygirl on Jan 14, 2020 14:24:34 GMT
mrob It's easier on the ego. I can't tell you how many men ask me why I'm scared. That's why I've asked in other threads, how do you know when someone is legitimately struggling with fear? We obviously know that this is a thing. But I would default to the other belief (it's just not what that person wants). There is just so much to navigate through with trying to partner with a decent person. For what it's worth, I don't think everyone is this way-wanting a "soft blow" to their ego. I would have been eternally grateful had I felt like it was clear that my relationship started to fail due to a lack of interest or compatibility or attraction on his part. In my opinion that's such a straightforward and relatively easy thing to accept ("hey turns out we have different values or other irreconcilable differences that I see being obstacles to connection moving forward and here is what they are"). In fact, one of the ways that I have personally been able to move forward after the breakup is to almost IGNORE what he has told me (seems almost disrespectful in a way) and instead tell myself repeatedly "He's just not that into you" and it has helped a lot. I can handle that. What is particularly painful however is if I focus on his words when we broke up "I would love to be with you but I feel like I would let you down" for example, because that almost implies "we had a great connection but I am too insecure to make this work". The end result is the same, make no mistake, but one of these reasons leaves almost a glimmer of "hope". The other one (he isn't into me and this relationship) allows me to easily see that we aren't right for each other.
I think some people have fragile egos maybe, but others just value directness so much and assume others will be as direct as we are. So with my breakup I have almost had to go against my own gut feeling of "take someone at their word" and instead assign a meaning to the breakup that wasn't articulated (in my case, I tell myself "he's just not that into you" even though he never actually said that-in order to make the breakup easier and feel more "right"). Not that you are or aren't direct! This is just more my experience of why it can be hard to understand why a breakup is happening when it's not explicitly clear
Just my 2 cents from someone in another camp who just experienced a painful breakup
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Jan 14, 2020 16:21:16 GMT
What is particularly painful however is if I focus on his words when we broke up "I would love to be with you but I feel like I would let you down" for example, because that almost implies "we had a great connection but I am too insecure to make this work". The end result is the same, make no mistake, but one of these reasons leaves almost a glimmer of "hope". This! When I "broke up", my FA said that I deserve to meet someone else, when himself is "not properly wired" (don't know the English expression, but meaning it is something wrong with him). He actually is saying he still loves me, and that it is his fault it cannot work. It feels so sad... And when he thanked me for all my questions that have made him think, of course it is hard not to get hopeful. I must just have to remind myself, it will take years, and maybe never. I have to go on with my life, or I will end up bitter and lonely. |
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