Post by hjordis on Jan 3, 2020 2:05:42 GMT
Hey, I'm Hjordis from Germany (so excuse me if my English isn't so well.. !)
I'm in a 6 year relationship with a man that always struggles to show emotions. I am currently confronted with the decision to move with him to another country or end the relationship, and I am very confused ..
When everything is 'fine' he tells me he loves me and wants to stay with me forever and how much he appreciates the time with me and everything we ever had and could have, but as soon as I talk about my feelings or my doubts, he feels attacked and backs off, ignores me, tells me I am over-reacting, I am not normal, I shouldn't be like this or feel too much and finally leaves the room or the appartment and goes completely cold. He isn't even able to see how much he hurts me and tells me I am stupid for crying, I should seek therapy, because I am crazy and that he can't stand me and all my feelings anymore. But at the same time .. when he is calm and everything is fine and relaxed.. he tells me how much he needs me and how much he loves me and that he wants to change, because he knows that he is acting like an idiot and he doesn't want to hurt me... but it always ends up being the same arguments and no matter how much I explain myself or try to reach out to him .. it always ends up with him running away, ignoring me, making fun of me for "feeling things" and me being all alone.
He went to Therapy once, but the Therapist told him that I was the problem and that its totally normal to be overwhelmed by feelings and hard conversations and that he needs to protect himself from me and shouldn't let things bother him.. Once again I felt like I am the problem. This feeling led to me drinking way too much, because I always feel like I am 'too much' and that I have to numb my feelings in order to be 'normal', because I always get told I am not normal for feeling my feelings and putting so much weight into a deeper connection and sharing feelings and being intimate on a deeper level than just having the stupid kind of Sex (which he enjoys very much, because it's easy, I guess). What leads to another problem.. that one time I left (because we we're fighting really bad and I didn't want it to get worse) with a note saying that we should both take some time to think about what we really want and take some time for ourselves and refocus on the relationship.. he again ignored me, never reached out to me or asked me where I was, when I would come back or showed any interest in where I am and what was going on. Later on he told me he thought he was Single now and acted like that and that I wasn't good enough for him and he was missing affection. I was heartbroken. He couldn't understand.
And it goes on like this... as soon as it involves emotions and feelings and talking!! about feelings he isn't able to be present, to talk about what's going on inside him or even have empathy for me. We've never been able to solve any problem, because it always ends up being about him not being able to solve a problem and me being hurt and alone. And all he does is expect me to give more and more and to make him feel good and wanted and safe, while I am feeling left behind.
Another point is that he completely focus himself on his work. And always uses it as an argument why he can't be with me or doesn't have time for me or why he can't give more in the relationship, although he has a very relaxed job and good income. When we talk about feelings or problems or the relationship he shuts down very soon, or yawns, or needs to go smoking his cigarettes.
I don't know if I am overreacting, or if any of this makes any sense.. but I hope someone here can give me some kind of insight if this falls into a dismissive avoidant attachment style or maybe I am complety crazy, haha..
I just want to have some kind of clue if there is any chance for change or if I should finally focus on myself and give up putting my enery into something that will never work out...
Thank you for reading and even more for answering <3
I'm in a 6 year relationship with a man that always struggles to show emotions. I am currently confronted with the decision to move with him to another country or end the relationship, and I am very confused ..
When everything is 'fine' he tells me he loves me and wants to stay with me forever and how much he appreciates the time with me and everything we ever had and could have, but as soon as I talk about my feelings or my doubts, he feels attacked and backs off, ignores me, tells me I am over-reacting, I am not normal, I shouldn't be like this or feel too much and finally leaves the room or the appartment and goes completely cold. He isn't even able to see how much he hurts me and tells me I am stupid for crying, I should seek therapy, because I am crazy and that he can't stand me and all my feelings anymore. But at the same time .. when he is calm and everything is fine and relaxed.. he tells me how much he needs me and how much he loves me and that he wants to change, because he knows that he is acting like an idiot and he doesn't want to hurt me... but it always ends up being the same arguments and no matter how much I explain myself or try to reach out to him .. it always ends up with him running away, ignoring me, making fun of me for "feeling things" and me being all alone.
He went to Therapy once, but the Therapist told him that I was the problem and that its totally normal to be overwhelmed by feelings and hard conversations and that he needs to protect himself from me and shouldn't let things bother him.. Once again I felt like I am the problem. This feeling led to me drinking way too much, because I always feel like I am 'too much' and that I have to numb my feelings in order to be 'normal', because I always get told I am not normal for feeling my feelings and putting so much weight into a deeper connection and sharing feelings and being intimate on a deeper level than just having the stupid kind of Sex (which he enjoys very much, because it's easy, I guess). What leads to another problem.. that one time I left (because we we're fighting really bad and I didn't want it to get worse) with a note saying that we should both take some time to think about what we really want and take some time for ourselves and refocus on the relationship.. he again ignored me, never reached out to me or asked me where I was, when I would come back or showed any interest in where I am and what was going on. Later on he told me he thought he was Single now and acted like that and that I wasn't good enough for him and he was missing affection. I was heartbroken. He couldn't understand.
And it goes on like this... as soon as it involves emotions and feelings and talking!! about feelings he isn't able to be present, to talk about what's going on inside him or even have empathy for me. We've never been able to solve any problem, because it always ends up being about him not being able to solve a problem and me being hurt and alone. And all he does is expect me to give more and more and to make him feel good and wanted and safe, while I am feeling left behind.
Another point is that he completely focus himself on his work. And always uses it as an argument why he can't be with me or doesn't have time for me or why he can't give more in the relationship, although he has a very relaxed job and good income. When we talk about feelings or problems or the relationship he shuts down very soon, or yawns, or needs to go smoking his cigarettes.
I don't know if I am overreacting, or if any of this makes any sense.. but I hope someone here can give me some kind of insight if this falls into a dismissive avoidant attachment style or maybe I am complety crazy, haha..
I just want to have some kind of clue if there is any chance for change or if I should finally focus on myself and give up putting my enery into something that will never work out...
Thank you for reading and even more for answering <3
