FA cycle

Thanks so much. I really appreciate your stories and insight. Don’t know here I’d be right now without the kind people on this forum giving me some perspective. I think you are right, he genuinely may be busy but I wonder if he is just stringing me along a bit now that I’ve made contact which has probably triggered him avodiant again. I suspect he got triggered anxious when I went no contact. I really think I am actually addicted to this man. I get those love sick feelings in my stomach when I have contact with him. Definetly trauma bonded I would say. Has to be deep wounds with how painful it is.

The trigger is the key. You have to get to the root of that trigger, and it's probably a deeper subconscious reason for that triggering anxiety, something in your past. Because *logically* you understand that this is some bullshit you're dealing with in regards to these mixed messages he keeps giving you, all this inconsistency, but emotionally, it's messing you up badly. 

I've mentioned hypnotherapy, and I want to try to explain how exactly it helped me, and I hope it helps you, or someone else.

My hypnotherapist had me in a subconscious state go back to some difficult and painful moments in childhood as early as I could remember, to moments that were painful and sad. The short story is I went back to those moments, and instead of looking at it the way it happened, which was me feeling neglected/abandoned/unloved etc,  I was told to rewrite that story the way I needed it. She guided me through all this step by step.


So what I did while in a subconscious state was envision myself as "Little me" in those situations that happened in my childhood. "Big me" then went in and did what Little Me needed, which was to be hugged, told I was loved, told I mattered, told that my feelings mattered, stroked little me's hair, let little me cry, and hold little me until she felt better, because as kids that's all we really needed, to be loved and supported. (and that's what I do for my son when he feels bad, I validate and comfort him, I support him. That's what he's looking for from me, for comfort.) In real life, I was dismissed and not supported. I was made to feel like I was a burden for needing comfort. (I had long ago consciously forgiven my parents for their neglect. Being angry and resentful wasn't serving me.)


Those moments in my childhood that made me feel unloved/abandoned/unsupported were all subconsciously still there because they were never healed, and THAT was the real root of my anxiety that these FA situations were bringing up. My body and nervous system never forgot, and because all those feelings from the past were subconscious and deeply buried, my mind was confusing my current situation as the reason I was feeling that anxiety, when really, it was only the FA that was triggering the recall of those feelings of abandonment already there. It wasn't really about the FA at all. I knew logically that what these FAs were doing was not acceptable, and I did not want to be upset over their unacceptable behavior, but my emotions were out of whack and didn't match my logical brain.

So while yes you are feeling triggered and you are feeling anxiety from the FA situation, it is actually the unhealed anxiety from the subconscious that you are feeling. Does that make sense? The mixed messages from your FA is bringing up that unhealed anxiety from the past, and your mind is attaching the current situation with him to that anxiety you are feeling, even though logically you KNOW that you shouldn't be bothered to give someone who seems to be jerking you around the time of day. But your body and nervous system is not healed from the earlier trauma, so it all feels as raw as when you were a child.

Now, I realize that I am not necessarily speaking for you and your experience as a child exactly, and I am absolutely speaking about my own personal experience, but I hope that illustrating my own experience somehow resonates with you and that you can somehow apply it to whatever your own backstory is. I tried my best to explain it, and I hope I didn't just sound like I was rambling or speaking out of my ass. My own years of therapy has been helpful, but this hypnotherapy did so much for me in a short amount of time that the years of therapy didn't. I see it as a tool in conjunction with the traditional talk therapy, which doesn't necessarily go into the subconscious where so much work needs to be done. Not all therapists deal with attachment styles and the importance of subconscious healing. I wish I had been more exposed to it a long time ago.

And I actually also saw this on Instagram, one of the many pages on healing and attachment that I follow that may make more clear what I am trying to say. Please also read what she wrote below the posted picture. 

http://instagram.com/p/B64ILUNA89J

Wishing you the best! 

She does do Skype sessions, but she is actually in Florida for the winter and not taking new clients until she gets back in the spring. Can you look up someone in your area? I really liked being in her office as I found it to be peaceful and clear of distractions so I could fully focus on the session. I did two sessions and have one coming up via Skype, my first one not in person with her. 

After my first session, I felt peaceful and I felt a nice release because I cried while in the session, and I find crying to be cathartic and healing, but I didn't realize how much it helped until my therapist mentioned a few weeks later that my outlook was different, and she commented for a few sessions after how she thought the subconscious work I did had a very positive effect on me. 

My last session was about a month ago, and I know it further helped me with this most recent FA breakup. The triggering just hasn't been there like it had been in the past. It is more of a dull ache that really doesn't interfere with my day to day life. There are still moments of anxiety that come up, but they don't last as long at all, and I have been able to talk myself through them, i.e. "I am feeling triggered right now. The feeling I am feeling is anxiety, and this anxiety isn't telling the truth. I am loved and supported by the people who know me and care about me, so this anxiety I am feeling is an old wound still trying to heal. I know that being with someone who isn't working on their own damage is not the right person for me, so I didn't "lose" their love." Etc, etc, things of that sort to counter the anxiety.

There was a day out of nowhere recently that I was feeling anxiety. I was fishing around my bag for an anti-anxiety med but I didn't have any. Instead I breathed, I acknowledged the anxiety, I told myself it was okay, I was okay, I will be okay, even though I didn't feel that way at all. Little by little the anxiety calmed down, and I didn't even realize until about 20 minutes later when it dawned on me that the anxiety was gone. What a pleasant surprise, and also very encouraging to myself to experience a real breakthrough in my healing. 

amber, if you want to talk to him but don't want to trigger yourself making plans and waiting, can you talk to him on the phone instead? At this point that may be better for you than seeing him in person anyway.

If not, can you just not initiate contact, carry on with your own closure without assuming you'll see him (I agree with the self help advice above and that seeing him is unlikely to give toy closure anyhow), and if he initiates and makes it reasonably easy to see him then meet up whenever that ends up being?

I definetly have a case of “keep the connection at all costs or you may die without this person”...I’m amazed at how strong that feeling is and the fantasy that my mind creates that I can try to make it work with this person...
I agree that intermittent reinforcement is addictive whether you have a trauma history or not, but coupled with trauma must make it doubly as hard. So glad I know all this stuff...how do people who have no awareness about this stuff fare?! I guess like my ex they just keep repeating the same patterns and spinning their wheels

Thankyou. I will see what happens in the coming week.ill put boundaries around how long I let this go on for...if he keeps flip flopping or cancels again I’m pulling the pin.i defo have poor boundaries with him and need to assert myself better . The trauma bond is rearing it’s ugly head like nothing else at the moment.i suspect he’s doing the “come close go away” thing...