soho
Junior Member
Posts: 54 
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Post by soho on Aug 19, 2017 15:44:54 GMT
There's been a lot of topics about problems and problemsolving (if possible), but I'd like to hear more about success stories or or least about people that made progress.
Who of the DAs was able to improve her/his situation?
How did you manage to do so? Individual therapy/couples therapy/divorce/...?
What exactly has improved? Emotions/relations/...?
Are you happy now?
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Post by leavethelighton on Sept 30, 2017 0:19:26 GMT
Bumping up this topic in the forum because it's kind of depressing there are no success stories...
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Post by fatalcharm on Sept 30, 2017 4:43:51 GMT
I posted the same question on the FA board a couple of days ago. So far nothing  Then again, I guess if someone has successfully gotten over this they wouldn't be on these boards, so maybe there is hope... |
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Post by emkaye on Oct 2, 2017 15:09:10 GMT
I guess the lack of responses here might seem pretty depressing, but honestly I think anyone with success stories would probably not be spending their time posting about them, they'd be enjoying their relationships! If you look at the secure board, there's a whopping 3 threads and 8 responses. If you're lucky enough to be secure, you're probably never going to come across these boards in the first place.
That being said, I do believe someone with an insecure type can overcome but it's not an easy path. Just educating yourself is the first step, but therapy is probably warranted for most.
For me, my biggest challenges are setting boundaries, being assertive and improving my self-esteem. I've also been dealing with past trauma that has fueled my negative self-image. I've put in a lot of hard work but I do see improvements in my life. I started this journey about a year ago and I feel about 25% there. It's been a long road, I've had some dissapointments, been dumped but I'm a better person. I am now able to recongize my feelings -- something that was foreign to me in the past. I also have an improved more positive view of myself and others. Lastly, I would say that my faith has also played a huge role in my recovery.
Keep bumping this thread up. Hopefully we will come across others that have had some success. They are out there I'm sure!
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Post by leavethelighton on Oct 11, 2017 23:55:14 GMT
Well I have been helped by antidepressants, psychology reading (ex: this sort of thing), and regular exercise. I may not be magically "secure" but I also no longer want to run for the hills, and I feel more content with my life/marriage/etc., which I think is a good foundation for improving a relationship. I also think it's important to break off communication or even web-stalking of the "phantom ex" or anyone who plays a similar psychologically distracting role.
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Post by BreakingTheSpell on Oct 18, 2017 23:43:17 GMT
Well I have been helped by antidepressants, psychology reading (ex: this sort of thing), and regular exercise. I may not be magically "secure" but I also no longer want to run for the hills, and I feel more content with my life/marriage/etc., which I think is a good foundation for improving a relationship. I also think it's important to break off communication or even web-stalking of the "phantom ex" or anyone who plays a similar psychologically distracting role. To be honest, this sounds like great progress and would love to reach that point at least. A few questions for you and a request for encouragement: How do you find the will to stop the web stalking? I erased his number and messages from my phone so I can no longer reach out to him when I am having these anxious moments when I only want him back. A day or two after doing this, I started web stalking him... and this is where I am now. It seems like I traded one obsessive behavior for another. How do you find the will to go running? I come back from work and all I want to do is web stalk him, or reading psychology to get better, depending on my mood of the day. I barely make time for groceries shopping and I have a quick unelaborated dinner, and back to the computer. How can I even think of putting my running shoes on? Any trick or advace would be appreciated. Obviously, my will is not working by itself. |
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Post by inspiring on Oct 19, 2017 7:56:03 GMT
Well I have been helped by antidepressants, psychology reading (ex: this sort of thing), and regular exercise. I may not be magically "secure" but I also no longer want to run for the hills, and I feel more content with my life/marriage/etc., which I think is a good foundation for improving a relationship. I also think it's important to break off communication or even web-stalking of the "phantom ex" or anyone who plays a similar psychologically distracting role. To be honest, this sounds like great progress and would love to reach that point at least. A few questions for you and a request for encouragement: How do you find the will to stop the web stalking? I erased his number and messages from my phone so I can no longer reach out to him when I am having these anxious moments when I only want him back. A day or two after doing this, I started web stalking him... and this is where I am now. It seems like I traded one obsessive behavior for another. How do you find the will to go running? I come back from work and all I want to do is web stalk him, or reading psychology to get better, depending on my mood of the day. I barely make time for groceries shopping and I have a quick unelaborated dinner, and back to the computer. How can I even think of putting my running shoes on? Any trick or advace would be appreciated. Obviously, my will is not working by itself. Hi Comeheregoaway, I know that urge of web stalking. Fortunately, it was only a phase because I realized that I felt worse afterwards. Satisfying the urge to connect by doing research on the web was really deterioating....because then I perceived him as superior and actually differently than we were together. Web-presentations are never the real persona. So what helped me? 1. Accepting the urge of reaching out to him. I didn' try to fight this feeling....I let the feeling happen and observed it. Being an observer of yourself already changes perspective. (I had the feeling that only he could give me back my feeling. I acknowledged this as a feeling....and I knew that this can never be the right mind-set....but I allowed this feeling to stay as long as it wanted). 2. I wrote down how I felt or what I wanted to tell my ex. Writing is always a good hygiene of the mind. By reading my words I wanted to tell my ex, I saw how pathetic and needy that is.....plus the knowledge that every message would push him further away. 3. Reach out for friends (and talking to a professional helper can also be insightful) 4. Yup, Physical exercise is never a wrong tool either. It is indeed a very painful process. To me, it felt like being in a very deep and dark hole. Counselling and surrounding myself with healthy relationships also helped me to reach the stage of anger (it just happened, I didn't plan that phase). Anger in a way that I focus more on the painful aspects of my last relationship......this whole limbo about the simplest aspects of communication..... Communicating in a natural and easy way with other people really reminds me how straining it was with my ex at the end of our relationship. You will find more precious advice in "Thread to stay strong". I wish you lot of engergy and stamina. You will make it. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 7, 2017 3:37:38 GMT
Comeheregoaway,
Regarding the web stalking, I'll be honest. Some social media connections one can cut off through defriending and whatnot. For the web, I use the "Leechboock" app to block the websites and keywords that could be used to webstalk her. You can only use Leechblock with some browsers, but you could get rid of other browsers if they are on your computer.... Basically I forced myself via blocking apps to not be able to do it. The Leechblock has a complicated password I wrote on a post-it note and I made that post-it note difficult to access, so I can't easily change the settings on the app. This broke the pattern/urges. Also I tell myself I can peek at those websites a year from now-- not sure that I actually will, but giving myself that cheat day a year from now helps with not doing it now.
Another thing that helps me is to imagine the human brain (my brain) and the web stalking as a sort of obsessive pattern that activates and lights up certain parts of the brain. You can also think of going to those websites as giving yourself a dopamine rush... By breaking the pattern, I am weakening those activations. It is kind of like breaking any other addiction. Over time when I have fewer web-stalking urges, I imagine the brain being less activated in those areas. And if I feel tempted to do the web stalking somehow, I remind myself that I can actually affect how my brain functions if I stick with not going to those websites.
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 7, 2017 3:47:35 GMT
Comeheregoaway,
Also, yes, the DA (actually I think FA) person I am talking about has settled into a happy-appearing longterm marriage that has lasted years. They claim to be deeply in love with each other, and I don't have a lot of evidence that is not the case. I think her spouse is likely someone on the "secure" spectrum of attachment styles. Her spouse seems emotionally functional and knows a lot about psychology. I'm sure it isn't all roses and that plenty of avoidance behaviors still occur, but they seem to make it work. It is difficult to watch the ways she appears capable of sticking around with someone-- that there is actually someone for whom she sticks around which means it's possible for her to do that with a human even though she is forever disassociating from me... so I don't watch it much anymore.
Maybe she isn't really avoidant....maybe she's really more anxious. I don't know.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2017 17:05:19 GMT
I am a DA and have been away from this site for a while. It took a very long time for me to find a relationship that works, but I did. For me, it was finding someone that could deal with my issues. It was a bumpy road to get there, but with a lot of talking things over and his patience, I manage to stay in the relationship. We are both very happy. The issues don't go away, it's a matter of navigating through it. I hope that any DAs lurking on this site find some hope that a happy relationship is possible.
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Post by scheme00 on Nov 24, 2017 5:58:21 GMT
I am a DA and have been away from this site for a while. It took a very long time for me to find a relationship that works, but I did. For me, it was finding someone that could deal with my issues. It was a bumpy road to get there, but with a lot of talking things over and his patience, I manage to stay in the relationship. We are both very happy. The issues don't go away, it's a matter of navigating through it. I hope that any DAs lurking on this site find some hope that a happy relationship is possible. Hi Mary, I've always gotten a lot of clarity and insight from your previous posts. Can you give some examples on how you tried to push your partner away or what you do and how he has reacted and how it's made the relationship work? A few examples may help us understand more. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2017 4:53:18 GMT
Hi schemeOO, I think there are a lot of ways I have pushed away people in the past. The big ones that come to mind are focusing on their faults, disappearing for long periods, and breaking up unexpectedly. My main issue is that I need a lot of space and partners in the past have viewed that negatively or didn't understand it. If I pulled away, they would push for more time and attention. It seemed to me it was never enough and they would want more and more. I couldn't deliver and it annoyed me until a breaking point.
My current partner is very independent and is fine if I need to take a "break". He sees nothing wrong with it and gives me the time and space if I ask for it. It doesn't solve all the issues, but it helps prevent blowouts. He's patient and didn't push for commitment or closeness. It developed slowly over time. I hope this helps answer some questions.
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Post by onastring on Nov 25, 2017 9:30:57 GMT
Mary, I think what’s key about your story is that you both talked about what was going on. You communicated so that there was understanding. This is key. Many DAs don’t do this, leaving their partners without understanding or the opportunity to support where it is needed, and so of course we keep asking for closeness, because we don’t understand.
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soho
Junior Member
Posts: 54
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Post by soho on Nov 25, 2017 11:53:13 GMT
Thanks for sharing your story Mary! I m really happy for you.
Would you mind describing how your relationship now looks like? Do you live/sleep together? Do you have the same closeness and intimacy as "normal" couples, but then with some periods of "freedom"? I m thinking about kissing, cuddling, restaurant dates etc.
I want to understand whether the "level" of relationship you have now would be satisfying for a person like me (being somewhat (ex-)anxious preoccupied).
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2017 17:35:49 GMT
I think it's partially that I did communicate what was going on, but also the reception of it. It seems that asking for space in some relationships is a hard no. I dated men that didn't want to give it no matter the reason. It was met with a lot of resistance and pushing to either "be with them or not", "make a commitment or else". If I am pushed to make a decision, I will choose the break up.
We do not live together. We joke that someday we will live in the same building or in a house with a guest house. I don't really know if we have the same closeness as "normal" couples as I don't know what is normal. I have a good friend who has been married for over 20 years and I tell my partner far more information than she does, but I'm guessing most people would view their marriage as "normal".
We do kiss, cuddle and have dates. Probably less cuddling than most people and we do spend the night together on occasion. We are very close intellectually, but I very much doubt it would be enough intimacy or time for anyone with anxious tendencies. I got caught in the anxious/avoidant trap many times and it just doesn't work.
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