Avoidant vs. Being Non Committal

Non-committal AND not-avoidant will be aware of their wants, will straight up tell you directly, and will take responsibility for being the person making the choice to not be in a serious relationship (as opposed to blaming it on their partners never being the one).

Avoidants will not be straight forward about it or necessarily aware that they want companionship and sex at a distance.

It's strange because my recent ex seems very avoidant, but didnt blame the breakup on me. Quite confusing.

@janedoe, context seemed to be figuring out decent people who weren't trying to be intentionally manipulative. Of course there's liars and bad apples out there. But blaming yourself for them not wanting you, as if it's something you did, isn't useful in that case either.

@dualcitizen - While a DA will find their partner irritating in a smothering kind of way and use his irritability as a distancing strategy, they are also realists and can be very aware. So even if not educated on attachment they know they are bad at relationships and feel better off alone- they know their limitations and feel the uphill battle to sustain an intimate relationship. They know they shut down and pull away. They’re aware, but it’s hard to change and a self-aware DA takes responsibility for his limitations and tells his partner she is better off without him.

@dualcitizen - Yes, DA’s do find faults in their partners and self-sabotage their relationships- creating self-fulfilling prophecies and negative self narratives that they’re “meant to be alone” and can only rely on themselves. However, even in their criticism and prickliness, they realize other partners have a higher tolerance for intimacy, other partners are more accepting and are more able to make it work. They recognize their own limitations and know they are “different.” So they hold themselves responsible equally to their partner or even more so for their inability to move forward and enjoy lasting intimacy.

Trauma and somatic complaints go hand and hand. I am beginning to thing if an avoidant DA or FA would just begin trauma work this would be half the battle. Perhaps an easier sell on therapy than attachment variety. Anyway, I digress.
So many ways to be traumatized that illicit the four Fs. Physical abuse creates different response than sexual abuse. What if those abuses are concurrent? What mix that creates!
Trauma, from my understanding rewires the pathways within the amygdala (could totally be wrong) and requires rewiring only achieved through therapy, with a good therapist. A lube job at Pep boys is not on par with what you would get at the Dealership.
Somatic complaints are very real to the individual. Toxicity resides inside. Sensory memory. So much gunk is clogging up every system.

My FA never blamed me. He knew it was him. He wasn't exactly forthcoming about what he knows about himself and his issues. Perhaps manipulative. I think he enjoyed being with me and wanted to stretch it out as long as he could. I dont think he wants to hurt people. He truly loves and cares for me and my child to the best of his ability. I understand that now. Not enough for me, but that's his boundary. Life goes on for both of us. I can only fix me.

I'm babbling. Lol. Too much coffee already. Wish I could still sleep in. #lifeafter40