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Post by beyondconfused on Jan 16, 2020 2:13:50 GMT
It's strange because my recent ex seems very avoidant, but didnt blame the breakup on me. Quite confusing. - Mine didn’t blame me either. At first he said he didn’t know if it was him, me or us, but after several weeks he said that he felt incapable and felt like there was something wrong with him...that he’s “bad at relationships.” Avoidants can very much be self-aware and long for relationships and secure attachment at their core but at the same time they hit that brick wall that prevents them. It is so saddening to me, I enjoyed him very much and he suddenly shut down and was fine with never speaking or seeing me again. It's quite a shock and it hurts to think about. There isnt anything I can do, and that just adds to the pain - the helpless feeling. |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 16, 2020 2:49:11 GMT
There's a spectrum of avoidance. If the issues are mainly attachment-related, then unaware and less experienced (or incapable of introspection) avoidants are more likely to blame their partner during the time of the breakup, as it's part of the distancing and avoiding core problems and wounding. They don't have data point after data point yet of seeing no one is "the one"... once you repeat that problem enough, maybe you'll start looking inward. Maybe. Not everyone is the same, though.
There is something you can do -- don't be helpless and abandon yourself. It's sad when connections and attachments are lost and the other person is okay with fleeing and never looking back. I've had that happen to me (I've also had avoidants not blame me but not know how to address their own issues and give up instead). But someone turning their back completely was likely to happen eventually if the person is prone to doing that (this is true for insecure attachment, personality disordered partners, OR someone just looking for casual fun even if they're misleading about it!), so it's always better to find out sooner than later. It takes time to heal, as it leaves a temporary void and you have more free time to fill, and there's some chemical bonds that need to be broken and heal. But AP and anxious-triggered FA take breakups really badly, with all the layers of anxiety over the mourning the loss of the relationship, because of the holes in self-esteem, self-trust, and self-acceptance. If someone suddenly bails and never talks to you again, it usually says more about that person than about you -- unless you both were so toxic together there was no other way. And if that was the case, you'd have known it even though it hurt to part.
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cukie
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Post by cukie on Jan 16, 2020 17:48:50 GMT
I think the best answer to this question is how far along the relationship has progressed.
One can not want to be in a relationship for a variety of reasons, that doesn't make you avoidant - though you possibly could be.
I think the practical difference is that avoidants actively seek out actual committed relationships but maintain their emotional distance even when they get them. So even when you are committed they maintain distance and never really feel "present" or meet your emotional needs.
Whereas someone trying to not be in a relationship doesn't give you the illusion that they are committed. I'm sure some of these people are avoidant, but others could just have complex life circumstances or just not really like a person.
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 16, 2020 21:02:18 GMT
I think the best answer to this question is how far along the relationship has progressed. One can not want to be in a relationship for a variety of reasons, that doesn't make you avoidant - though you possibly could be. I think the practical difference is that avoidants actively seek out actual committed relationships but maintain their emotional distance even when they get them. So even when you are committed they maintain distance and never really feel "present" or meet your emotional needs. Whereas someone trying to not be in a relationship doesn't give you the illusion that they are committed. I'm sure some of these people are avoidant, but others could just have complex life circumstances or just not really like a person. You can tell via communication and actually what the person says as well (or lack thereof). You'll definitely know a F-A, a common theme is whirlwinding, seemingly massive attraction, insane sex initially, but you will notice the low self esteem commentary and the negative inner voice literally in what is said and/or actions, the pulling away out of nowhere the next week, literally after they bring up long term future plans. They will be telling you they "like you alot" etc etc. Thais Gibson has talked about this on her videos. Liberty Cairde explains it as well. I would suspect they would push a "secure" away quicker than an insecure attached individual, as the "chaos" is what is sought after for familiarity (trauma from childhood), otherwise it's "too boring" or just "lost the feels, I don't know why". It's not that, it's in fact they're either numb and pushing down emotion/feelings, overwhelmed and feeling it via another avenue. I don't know how D-As act, never dated one. Would presume it would be apparent early, after a couple dates they keep distance? This is not the case with the F-A from my experience and from what i've read, and it seems to be a recurring theme, the intensity, passion and the pullback when things are becoming comfortable. Once that actually happens, it literally will never be the same, in fact it get's worse over time, regardless of reassurance and security offered. |
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Post by amber on Jan 16, 2020 22:22:55 GMT
I think the difference with FA and someone who is “just not into you” is that FA give lots of compliments and affection, show lots of love when they arnt deactivated, and make you feel like they are very into you. This was my experience with my ex. Someone who is maybe not wanting the relationship anymore (say a secure) would be unlikely to be so loving and affectionate (IMO)...I would think they would just withdraw or end the relationship. That’s why it’s so confusing with FA because you Kinda get love bombed and then they just do the harry dash out of nowhere 😢
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cukie
New Member
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Post by cukie on Jan 16, 2020 22:28:39 GMT
I think the best answer to this question is how far along the relationship has progressed. One can not want to be in a relationship for a variety of reasons, that doesn't make you avoidant - though you possibly could be. I think the practical difference is that avoidants actively seek out actual committed relationships but maintain their emotional distance even when they get them. So even when you are committed they maintain distance and never really feel "present" or meet your emotional needs. Whereas someone trying to not be in a relationship doesn't give you the illusion that they are committed. I'm sure some of these people are avoidant, but others could just have complex life circumstances or just not really like a person. You can tell via communication and actually what the person says as well (or lack thereof). You'll definitely know a F-A, a common theme is whirlwinding, seemingly massive attraction, insane sex initially, but you will notice the low self esteem commentary and the negative inner voice literally in what is said and/or actions, the pulling away out of nowhere the next week, literally after they bring up long term future plans. Thais Gibson has talked about this on her videos. Liberty Cairde explains it as well. I would suspect they would push a "secure" away quicker than an insecure attached individual, as the "chaos" is what is sought after for familiarity (trauma from childhood), otherwise it's "too boring" or just "lost the feels, I don't know why". It's not that, it's in fact they're either numb and pushing down emotion/feelings, overwhelmed and feeling it via another avenue. I don't know how D-As act, never dated one. Would presume it would be apparent early, after a couple dates they keep distance? This is not the case with the F-A from my experience and from what i've read, and it seems to be a recurring theme, the intensity, passion and the pullback when things are becoming comfortable. Once that actually happens, it literally will never be the same, in fact it get's worse over time, regardless of reassurance and security offered. Yeah I was talking from more of a DA perspective. There isn't really any whirlwinding involved there. The best way I could describe it is that in my experience it started out like a normal relationship and progressed like a normal relationship until you eventually hit the emotional wall. Then you try to push past it (much to their frustration), and maybe you succeed! - only to realize that on the other side of that brick wall there's a bigger one. Then you get to a point where the honeymoon fades out and you are left with an incomplete relationship with one party that keeps trying to push it forward and the other just not wanting to move. |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 16, 2020 23:04:28 GMT
I think the difference with FA and someone who is “just not into you” is that FA give lots of compliments and affection, show lots of love when they arnt deactivated, and make you feel like they are very into you. This was my experience with my ex. Someone who is maybe not wanting the relationship anymore (say a secure) would be unlikely to be so loving and affectionate (IMO)...I would think they would just withdraw or end the relationship. That’s why it’s so confusing with FA because you Kinda get love bombed and then they just do the harry dash out of nowhere 😢 I can tell you, I will tell you directly and the reason behind my decision as a secure, and in person, not via text. And in fact due to "communication", I will be actively working on "issues" and talking about them directly in a centred way, no over reaction, it will be a measured emotional response based on the complexity etc. {edit} Another example I will give with my F-A ex. is, I brought up the constant negative self talk, and she immediately reacted massively and said instantaneously along the lines of "I know i've lost you, you're best off just moving on, i'm not good enough" etc etc along those lines. Instead all I wanted was to talk about things and get to the bottom of the constant negative self talk which preordains failure, and in a long truly loving relationship, has no place. |
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jules
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Posts: 142
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Post by jules on Jan 17, 2020 1:44:56 GMT
or just "lost the feels, I don't know why".
This, for some reason cracked me up, Dual.
I needed to just lose the feels for the FA. And then rebound dude. Gained the feels for some cookies tho in the last couple of weeks.
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Post by beyondconfused on Jan 18, 2020 5:59:21 GMT
There's a spectrum of avoidance. If the issues are mainly attachment-related, then unaware and less experienced (or incapable of introspection) avoidants are more likely to blame their partner during the time of the breakup, as it's part of the distancing and avoiding core problems and wounding. They don't have data point after data point yet of seeing no one is "the one"... once you repeat that problem enough, maybe you'll start looking inward. Maybe. Not everyone is the same, though. There is something you can do -- don't be helpless and abandon yourself. It's sad when connections and attachments are lost and the other person is okay with fleeing and never looking back. I've had that happen to me (I've also had avoidants not blame me but not know how to address their own issues and give up instead). But someone turning their back completely was likely to happen eventually if the person is prone to doing that (this is true for insecure attachment, personality disordered partners, OR someone just looking for casual fun even if they're misleading about it!), so it's always better to find out sooner than later. It takes time to heal, as it leaves a temporary void and you have more free time to fill, and there's some chemical bonds that need to be broken and heal. But AP and anxious-triggered FA take breakups really badly, with all the layers of anxiety over the mourning the loss of the relationship, because of the holes in self-esteem, self-trust, and self-acceptance. If someone suddenly bails and never talks to you again, it usually says more about that person than about you -- unless you both were so toxic together there was no other way. And if that was the case, you'd have known it even though it hurt to part. Thank you for this. I know its the truth, but it's still hard to accept it. We werent toxic together, we were good to eachother. If it was toxic, I'd find it easier to understand. Thank you for your words, they do help. |
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Post by beyondconfused on Jan 18, 2020 6:03:25 GMT
or just "lost the feels, I don't know why" This was one of the reasons I got. Suddenly lost feelings for me and he didnt understand why. 🙄 |
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Post by amber on Jan 18, 2020 7:24:53 GMT
or just "lost the feels, I don't know why" This was one of the reasons I got. Suddenly lost feelings for me and he didnt understand why. 🙄 I got this reason too with my ex FA. He later admitted he lost feelings after conflict because he felt unsupported by me. A secure person would not write someone off that easily. This is classic FA. |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 18, 2020 7:27:00 GMT
There's a spectrum of avoidance. If the issues are mainly attachment-related, then unaware and less experienced (or incapable of introspection) avoidants are more likely to blame their partner during the time of the breakup, as it's part of the distancing and avoiding core problems and wounding. They don't have data point after data point yet of seeing no one is "the one"... once you repeat that problem enough, maybe you'll start looking inward. Maybe. Not everyone is the same, though. There is something you can do -- don't be helpless and abandon yourself. It's sad when connections and attachments are lost and the other person is okay with fleeing and never looking back. I've had that happen to me (I've also had avoidants not blame me but not know how to address their own issues and give up instead). But someone turning their back completely was likely to happen eventually if the person is prone to doing that (this is true for insecure attachment, personality disordered partners, OR someone just looking for casual fun even if they're misleading about it!), so it's always better to find out sooner than later. It takes time to heal, as it leaves a temporary void and you have more free time to fill, and there's some chemical bonds that need to be broken and heal. But AP and anxious-triggered FA take breakups really badly, with all the layers of anxiety over the mourning the loss of the relationship, because of the holes in self-esteem, self-trust, and self-acceptance. If someone suddenly bails and never talks to you again, it usually says more about that person than about you -- unless you both were so toxic together there was no other way. And if that was the case, you'd have known it even though it hurt to part. Thank you for this. I know its the truth, but it's still hard to accept it. We werent toxic together, we were good to eachother. If it was toxic, I'd find it easier to understand. Thank you for your words, they do help. It matters little, I had a good relationship with mine as well. Still do. |
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Post by mrob on Jan 18, 2020 7:48:42 GMT
This was one of the reasons I got. Suddenly lost feelings for me and he didnt understand why. 🙄 I got this reason too with my ex FA. He later admitted he lost feelings after conflict because he felt unsupported by me. A secure person would not write someone off that easily. This is classic FA. A secure person wouldn’t let it get to the stage where it became a problem. They front it and do something about it. As an FA, I expect nothing from anyone. I get disturbed when I find that I’m dependent upon someone. So I wouldn’t attribute the unsupported excuse to FA attachment. I’d say there’s something else under that. |
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Post by amber on Jan 18, 2020 8:48:27 GMT
A secure person wouldn’t let it get to the stage where it became a problem. They front it and do something about it. As an FA, I expect nothing from anyone. I get disturbed when I find that I’m dependent upon someone. So I wouldn’t attribute the unsupported excuse to FA attachment. I’d say there’s something else under that. Maybe that was just his way of saying he didn't like the conflict. Unsupported = you start fights; you make demands. yes I dare say it is. but rather than trying to work through it he ended the r/ship |
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jules
Full Member
Posts: 142
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Post by jules on Jan 18, 2020 10:33:04 GMT
"As an FA, I expect nothing from anyone."
Mr. Rob is this just being FA or perhaps it's what we are taught in the program? Expectations are premeditated resentments?
I attempt to retrain my brain to think this way (not my natural inclination) so as to stay away from a drink.
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