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Post by nyc718 on Jan 8, 2020 16:52:38 GMT
I'm curious to know what happens after you've done the work on yourself and your subconscious, does your subconscious then allow you to be attracted to a secure?
I had an interesting conversation with someone recently that made me think about this. She is definitely AP, as all the stories she tells me about her dating life makes it clear to me. Then she told me about another man who to me sounds secure, and she is not one bit attracted to him. She said to me, I don't know what's wrong with me, he's nice, he's available, and I say that's what I want, but here he is and I'm not interested. All the other men that she has told me about are all classic avoidants, and she knows they aren't good for her, but she keeps entertaining the back and forth with them.
That got me to thinking about the subconscious being drawn to the familiar unhealed trauma. If you do some work on your subconscious as I have lately, will it then be aligned with the conscious to allow you to be attracted to someone secure who is consistent? Part of this thinking of mine is from the articles I have read about "nice guys" being boring, and I think that has mostly to do with the subconscious' twisted understanding of love meaning you have to work for it, etc.
Since I am nowhere near ready to date again, I have no idea what is ahead of me when I do feel ready. I know to be cautious of the red flags that I've already dealt with, especially with my last few FAs, but beyond that, what will my subconscious dictate now that I've dealt with some of those childhood wounds? Will I be able to consciously see all that I need to see, or will I be blindsided again and only realize in hindsight the signs that weren't so clear to me at the time they happened? Anyone have any insight into this?
And I apologize if this post should have been in another section. I feel I am here most often so that is why I am posting here. I am open to knowing if this would be better in another section.
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Post by Helsbells on Jan 8, 2020 17:19:36 GMT
I'm curious to know what happens after you've done the work on yourself and your subconscious, does your subconscious then allow you to be attracted to a secure? I had an interesting conversation with someone recently that made me think about this. She is definitely AP, as all the stories she tells me about her dating life makes it clear to me. Then she told me about another man who to me sounds secure, and she is not one bit attracted to him. She said to me, I don't know what's wrong with me, he's nice, he's available, and I say that's what I want, but here he is and I'm not interested. All the other men that she has told me about are all classic avoidants, and she knows they aren't good for her, but she keeps entertaining the back and forth with them. That got me to thinking about the subconscious being drawn to the familiar unhealed trauma. If you do some work on your subconscious as I have lately, will it then be aligned with the conscious to allow you to be attracted to someone secure who is consistent? Part of this thinking of mine is from the articles I have read about "nice guys" being boring, and I think that has mostly to do with the subconscious' twisted understanding of love meaning you have to work for it, etc. Since I am nowhere near ready to date again, I have no idea what is ahead of me when I do feel ready. I know to be cautious of the red flags that I've already dealt with, especially with my last few FAs, but beyond that, what will my subconscious dictate now that I've dealt with some of those childhood wounds? Will I be able to consciously see all that I need to see, or will I be blindsided again and only realize in hindsight the signs that weren't so clear to me at the time they happened? Anyone have any insight into this? And I apologize if this post should have been in another section. I feel I am here most often so that is why I am posting here. I am open to knowing if this would be better in another section. I'm interested and following this to see replies. It's a daunting thought for me right now as I never want to feel this way again. My daughter has lots of friends who are secure males and they are far from boring 😘 |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 8, 2020 17:23:35 GMT
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1723/trying-date-first-earned-secure?page=1nyc718 I'd started a thread on this on the secure board a year ago. I haven't updated it much because I haven't had anything all that interesting or enlightening to others to report. Mostly either awkward one-off internet dates with majority insecure guys or guys I already know approaching me about casual sex simply because we're both single and they find me physically attractive enough (the insecure ones get really offended when I say I'm not looking for that at this stage of my life, the more secure ones handle it just fine). I don't worry about spotting or missing red flags now that I'm "used" to being secure and it's no longer new. It is just really obvious to me through experience, and I trust myself, so it's no longer a concern. I touch on this in one post in the thread, but it's not a matter of now I'm attracted to only other secures. We still need to be compatible, have stuff in common, and physical attraction. Being secure on its own isn't enough to create the attraction. I just don't feel inexplicable ambivalence about it anymore. I still am sometimes attracted to avoidants, but then their behavior (and usually it comes with lack of maturity) is a turnoff, so nothing really develops.
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Post by Helsbells on Jan 8, 2020 17:24:58 GMT
I'm curious to know what happens after you've done the work on yourself and your subconscious, does your subconscious then allow you to be attracted to a secure? I had an interesting conversation with someone recently that made me think about this. She is definitely AP, as all the stories she tells me about her dating life makes it clear to me. Then she told me about another man who to me sounds secure, and she is not one bit attracted to him. She said to me, I don't know what's wrong with me, he's nice, he's available, and I say that's what I want, but here he is and I'm not interested. All the other men that she has told me about are all classic avoidants, and she knows they aren't good for her, but she keeps entertaining the back and forth with them. That got me to thinking about the subconscious being drawn to the familiar unhealed trauma. If you do some work on your subconscious as I have lately, will it then be aligned with the conscious to allow you to be attracted to someone secure who is consistent? Part of this thinking of mine is from the articles I have read about "nice guys" being boring, and I think that has mostly to do with the subconscious' twisted understanding of love meaning you have to work for it, etc. Since I am nowhere near ready to date again, I have no idea what is ahead of me when I do feel ready. I know to be cautious of the red flags that I've already dealt with, especially with my last few FAs, but beyond that, what will my subconscious dictate now that I've dealt with some of those childhood wounds? Will I be able to consciously see all that I need to see, or will I be blindsided again and only realize in hindsight the signs that weren't so clear to me at the time they happened? Anyone have any insight into this? And I apologize if this post should have been in another section. I feel I am here most often so that is why I am posting here. I am open to knowing if this would be better in another section. I would also like to add that my ex avoidant was boring in a sense he never wanted to do any fun things with me like go and see bands or travel. He just played video games but lived in the way past when he did some travelling. It was what he triggered in me that got me hooked. My daughter who is 30 is off travelling again with her wonderful secure boyfriend. In the summer they serve food at all the festivals Glastonbury and lots of others sharing a lovely secure intimate bond. Let's not be fooled by these guys, its attachment wounds that are in play for us here. |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 8, 2020 17:29:46 GMT
nyc718, you also learn that longing isn't a good indicator for a relationship, which will change your internal dynamics and some of your attraction patterns. So, you end up looking for something different (ie more consistent, less insecure).
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Post by Helsbells on Jan 8, 2020 17:34:38 GMT
nyc718, you also learn that longing isn't a good indicator for a relationship, which will change your internal dynamics and some of your attraction patterns. So, you end up looking for something different (ie more consistent, less insecure). I couldn't agree more Alexandra, your post fill me with hope. |
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Post by nyc718 on Jan 8, 2020 18:44:44 GMT
nyc718 , you also learn that longing isn't a good indicator for a relationship, which will change your internal dynamics and some of your attraction patterns. So, you end up looking for something different (ie more consistent, less insecure). Thank you for all that info, it makes me feel a lot better. I was having a moment of panic: what if I no longer am attracted to and turned off by avoidant traits, but I also am not attracted to secure men? Will I feel nothing ever again?! lol, but it's not that black and white, and it's always a continual work. In my healing, I recognize the feeling of missing my ex, and it feels like longing. Sometimes the feeling is stronger than other times, but mostly now it's a kind of a dull ache, and I realize that I had this same feeling while I was still WITH my FA, and it's not a good feeling to have while in a relationship with someone. It makes so much more sense to have this feeling outside of a relationship, knowing that as time goes in, this feeling will dissipate (I hope. I've gotten over every other man I loved, I hope this is the same.) I miss the times where I did feel secure with him, when I knew he cared about me and loved me, but those moments started to be replaced more and more with the longing to feel secure in the relationship. This longing feeling while with him was taking a toll on me emotionally and physically. I can't imagine going back to that either with him or anyone else |
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Post by nyc718 on Jan 8, 2020 18:49:35 GMT
Part of this thinking of mine is from the articles I have read about "nice guys" being boring, and I think that has mostly to do with the subconscious' twisted understanding of love meaning you have to work for it, etc. I would also like to add that my ex avoidant was boring in a sense he never wanted to do any fun things with me like go and see bands or travel. He just played video games but lived in the way past when he did some travelling. It was what he triggered in me that got me hooked. My daughter who is 30 is off travelling again with her wonderful secure boyfriend. In the summer they serve food at all the festivals Glastonbury and lots of others sharing a lovely secure intimate bond. Let's not be fooled by these guys, its attachment wounds that are in play for us here. I meant boring as in the subconscious thinking lack of drama was "boring". I personally don't like drama in a relationship at all, and I'm pretty sure my subconscious doesn't either as I feel very strongly to stay away from my ex, knowing that it would be that kind of push pull drama forever. The woman I was speaking with seemed to think the man who was interested and available to her wasn't "interesting", yet when I pointed out that those other men she was entertaining were treating her basically like garbage, she acknowledged it but said she didn't know what was wrong with her. So that's what I meant by "boring" :-) |
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Post by nyc718 on Jan 8, 2020 18:57:06 GMT
I touch on this in one post in the thread, but it's not a matter of now I'm attracted to only other secures. We still need to be compatible, have stuff in common, and physical attraction. Being secure on its own isn't enough to create the attraction. I just don't feel inexplicable ambivalence about it anymore. I still am sometimes attracted to avoidants, but then their behavior (and usually it comes with lack of maturity) is a turnoff, so nothing really develops. This is what makes me kind of sad and worried honestly: I felt outside of the attachment issues, I was compatible with my ex FA in that the stuff we had in common was exactly what I want in a man, as well as I was physically attracted to him, though he was hard on himself about his own physical appearance. Even my ex husband that I had been with for 10 years wasn't compatible with me in the way that ex FA and I liked so much of the same things, AND we were both open to discovering the new things each of us brought to the relationship. My ex husband was pretty stuck in his own interests. So losing my ex FA in that way has been really hard for me, as it's hard for me to imagine I'll meet someone else who can compare in that way  |
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Post by Helsbells on Jan 8, 2020 19:14:32 GMT
I would also like to add that my ex avoidant was boring in a sense he never wanted to do any fun things with me like go and see bands or travel. He just played video games but lived in the way past when he did some travelling. It was what he triggered in me that got me hooked. My daughter who is 30 is off travelling again with her wonderful secure boyfriend. In the summer they serve food at all the festivals Glastonbury and lots of others sharing a lovely secure intimate bond. Let's not be fooled by these guys, its attachment wounds that are in play for us here. I meant boring as in the subconscious thinking lack of drama was "boring". I personally don't like drama in a relationship at all, and I'm pretty sure my subconscious doesn't either as I feel very strongly to stay away from my ex, knowing that it would be that kind of push pull drama forever. The woman I was speaking with seemed to think the man who was interested and available to her wasn't "interesting", yet when I pointed out that those other men she was entertaining were treating her basically like garbage, she acknowledged it but said she didn't know what was wrong with her. So that's what I meant by "boring" :-) Oh yes I see I get that now. This has been the story of my life. 1st hubby drug addict, second hubby alcoholic and ex avoidant gamer/drinker, and little old me that didnt do drugs, smoke or drink until the latter stages of my marriage. All unavailable in there own way, always second to there addictions, none putting my needs first so something deep inside off me was in play throughout. I pray to god with all my heart to heal me, but I'm still unsure how that is going to really happen.x |
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Post by Helsbells on Jan 8, 2020 19:17:29 GMT
I touch on this in one post in the thread, but it's not a matter of now I'm attracted to only other secures. We still need to be compatible, have stuff in common, and physical attraction. Being secure on its own isn't enough to create the attraction. I just don't feel inexplicable ambivalence about it anymore. I still am sometimes attracted to avoidants, but then their behavior (and usually it comes with lack of maturity) is a turnoff, so nothing really develops. This is what makes me kind of sad and worried honestly: I felt outside of the attachment issues, I was compatible with my ex FA in that the stuff we had in common was exactly what I want in a man, as well as I was physically attracted to him, though he was hard on himself about his own physical appearance. Even my ex husband that I had been with for 10 years wasn't compatible with me in the way that ex FA and I liked so much of the same things, AND we were both open to discovering the new things each of us brought to the relationship. My ex husband was pretty stuck in his own interests. So losing my ex FA in that way has been really hard for me, as it's hard for me to imagine I'll meet someone else who can compare in that way 😪 this stuff sucks and is unfair. It made me so sad for you reading this. May I ask how long you were together and is this your first breakup x |
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Post by nyc718 on Jan 8, 2020 19:21:04 GMT
I meant boring as in the subconscious thinking lack of drama was "boring". I personally don't like drama in a relationship at all, and I'm pretty sure my subconscious doesn't either as I feel very strongly to stay away from my ex, knowing that it would be that kind of push pull drama forever. The woman I was speaking with seemed to think the man who was interested and available to her wasn't "interesting", yet when I pointed out that those other men she was entertaining were treating her basically like garbage, she acknowledged it but said she didn't know what was wrong with her. So that's what I meant by "boring" :-) Oh yes I see I get that now. This has been the story of my life. 1st hubby drug addict, second hubby alcoholic and ex avoidant gamer/drinker, and little old me that didnt do drugs, smoke or drink until the latter stages of my marriage. All unavailable in there own way, always second to there addictions, none putting my needs first so something deep inside off me was in play throughout. I pray to god with all my heart to heal me, but I'm still unsure how that is going to really happen.x Are you in therapy? My therapist isn't specialized in attachment, so everything I learned about attachment has been on my own. I did some hypnotherapy which helped me so much, and I also am about to embark on a 7 week group course with a therapist who specializes in attachment where there will be homework to do before the next meeting every week, and we get paired up with another woman to be in connection with and accountable to. I am looking forward to this and hope it brings me to another level of healing. Hugs to you! |
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Post by nyc718 on Jan 8, 2020 19:26:32 GMT
This is what makes me kind of sad and worried honestly: I felt outside of the attachment issues, I was compatible with my ex FA in that the stuff we had in common was exactly what I want in a man, as well as I was physically attracted to him, though he was hard on himself about his own physical appearance. Even my ex husband that I had been with for 10 years wasn't compatible with me in the way that ex FA and I liked so much of the same things, AND we were both open to discovering the new things each of us brought to the relationship. My ex husband was pretty stuck in his own interests. So losing my ex FA in that way has been really hard for me, as it's hard for me to imagine I'll meet someone else who can compare in that way 😪 this stuff sucks and is unfair. It made me so sad for you reading this. May I ask how long you were together and is this your first breakup x We were together in total for a year and a half, and it was not our first breakup. I look back and see the breakups were my reactions to his distancing which fell pretty much in line with FA deactivation, so the first one at around 3-4 months, the second around 6-7 months, some squabbles here and there, and then a big blowup at around the one-year mark where we broke up for 2 months. Then we got back together for almost two months before he deactivated again, and we never got back on track and I broke it off. I only learned about attachment during the big two month breakup. By the end of the relationship, I knew he just didn't have what we needed to have a healthy relationship, so I ended it. It still hurts but I know there was no other choice. We went as far as we could go. |
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Post by Helsbells on Jan 8, 2020 19:28:26 GMT
Oh yes I see I get that now. This has been the story of my life. 1st hubby drug addict, second hubby alcoholic and ex avoidant gamer/drinker, and little old me that didnt do drugs, smoke or drink until the latter stages of my marriage. All unavailable in there own way, always second to there addictions, none putting my needs first so something deep inside off me was in play throughout. I pray to god with all my heart to heal me, but I'm still unsure how that is going to really happen.x Are you in therapy? My therapist isn't specialized in attachment, so everything I learned about attachment has been on my own. I did some hypnotherapy which helped me so much, and I also am about to embark on a 7 week group course with a therapist who specializes in attachment where there will be homework to do before the next meeting every week, and we get paired up with another woman to be in connection with and accountable to. I am looking forward to this and hope it brings me to another level of healing. Hugs to you! No I'm not in any therapy atm.. I cant afford it so totally relying on this forum to get me thru. Your very lucky to have found a group dedicated to attachment issues that sounds amazing. Hopefully you will share some of your learnings on hear if you have the time. I am feeling guilty today that I didnt appreciate how much my ex was trying to show up for me. |
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Post by Helsbells on Jan 8, 2020 19:36:22 GMT
😪 this stuff sucks and is unfair. It made me so sad for you reading this. May I ask how long you were together and is this your first breakup x We were together in total for a year and a half, and it was not our first breakup. I look back and see the breakups were my reactions to his distancing which fell pretty much in line with FA deactivation, so the first one at around 3-4 months, the second around 6-7 months, some squabbles here and there, and then a big blowup at around the one-year mark where we broke up for 2 months. Then we got back together for almost two months before he deactivated again, and we never got back on track and I broke it off. I only learned about attachment during the big two month breakup. By the end of the relationship, I knew he just didn't have what we needed to have a healthy relationship, so I ended it. It still hurts but I know there was no other choice. We went as far as we could go. That is very similar to my situation. The last two break ups got longer with him saying he was done, as I deserve more than he can give me. He always seemed so certain and went on the dating sites but always wanted to come back to me. Maybe he just didnt find better, and I was an easy option. I do think his own problems played a big part in him leaving aswell, he appears to hate himself so much of the time. |
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