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Post by alexandra on Jan 15, 2020 20:20:21 GMT
It is amazing how we can cling to the “nice” aspects of an ex partner.💕💕 Absolutely! Maybe it's just in our personality to do this... "it ain't over till it's over"... All very confusing but time and space and trying to take your mind of it when feeling reminiscent helps... Big hugs x It's part of anxious-leaning insecure attachment conditioning. It's not a personality trait. Because AP had inconsistent caretaking in childhood, and have negative view of self and positive view of others (trust others more than self), you learn to blame yourself as a child for the times others are not meeting your needs or are not treating you well. Must be your fault, must be a magic formula that if you act a certain way you can win back getting your needs met and receiving positive regard. So you focus on and idealize the positive aspects of others to endure the pain of being mistreated, as you needed to do that in some capacity as a child in order to survive. A defense mechanism to allow you to cling to inconsistent adults at a time when your survival actually depended on it, which it no longer does as an adult. |
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Post by Helsbells on Jan 15, 2020 20:45:23 GMT
Absolutely! Maybe it's just in our personality to do this... "it ain't over till it's over"... All very confusing but time and space and trying to take your mind of it when feeling reminiscent helps... Big hugs x It's part of anxious-leaning insecure attachment conditioning. It's not a personality trait. Because AP had inconsistent caretaking in childhood, and have negative view of self and positive view of others (trust others more than self), you learn to blame yourself as a child for the times others are not meeting your needs or are not treating you well. Must be your fault, must be a magic formula that if you act a certain way you can win back getting your needs met and receiving positive regard. So you focus on and idealize the positive aspects of others to endure the pain of being mistreated, as you needed to do that in some capacity as a child in order to survive. A defense mechanism to allow you to cling to inconsistent adults at a time when your survival actually depended on it, which it no longer does as an adult. Spot on Alexandra as always. Starting to re write this script in my mind as I was the scapegoat growing up and felt so much shame, not good enough and less than all my siblings growing up. Not just with my mother but my grand mother had her favourites and I certainly was never one. I dont know why I was so un loveable as a little girl but I'm working on that now to change my future. Thank you for always taking the time to help others. Your amazing and I appreciate you on this forum so much xxx |
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addict
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Post by addict on Jan 15, 2020 21:17:33 GMT
Absolutely! Maybe it's just in our personality to do this... "it ain't over till it's over"... All very confusing but time and space and trying to take your mind of it when feeling reminiscent helps... Big hugs x It's part of anxious-leaning insecure attachment conditioning. It's not a personality trait. Because AP had inconsistent caretaking in childhood, and have negative view of self and positive view of others (trust others more than self), you learn to blame yourself as a child for the times others are not meeting your needs or are not treating you well. Must be your fault, must be a magic formula that if you act a certain way you can win back getting your needs met and receiving positive regard. So you focus on and idealize the positive aspects of others to endure the pain of being mistreated, as you needed to do that in some capacity as a child in order to survive. A defense mechanism to allow you to cling to inconsistent adults at a time when your survival actually depended on it, which it no longer does as an adult. Thank you for explaining Alexandra, yes I definitely did that with him, I tried the "magic formula" which again got a mixed inconsistent result! Always see the best in people me... Even when they show they don't care for me... Gradually I'm seeing things more clearly, just need to work on my shattered self esteem.. Thanks again , I really appreciate your answers 😀 |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 15, 2020 22:12:50 GMT
It's part of anxious-leaning insecure attachment conditioning. It's not a personality trait. Because AP had inconsistent caretaking in childhood, and have negative view of self and positive view of others (trust others more than self), you learn to blame yourself as a child for the times others are not meeting your needs or are not treating you well. Must be your fault, must be a magic formula that if you act a certain way you can win back getting your needs met and receiving positive regard. So you focus on and idealize the positive aspects of others to endure the pain of being mistreated, as you needed to do that in some capacity as a child in order to survive. A defense mechanism to allow you to cling to inconsistent adults at a time when your survival actually depended on it, which it no longer does as an adult. Thank you for explaining Alexandra, yes I definitely did that with him, I tried the "magic formula" which again got a mixed inconsistent result! Always see the best in people me... Even when they show they don't care for me... Gradually I'm seeing things more clearly, just need to work on my shattered self esteem.. Thanks again , I really appreciate your answers 😀 Don't ever lose seeing the best in people, good trait to have. Good luck with the self esteem and hope you realise your self worth, then the true boundaries come based on your requirements, not someone else's! and life will be a lot better. |
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addict
Junior Member
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Post by addict on Jan 15, 2020 23:43:54 GMT
Thank you for explaining Alexandra, yes I definitely did that with him, I tried the "magic formula" which again got a mixed inconsistent result! Always see the best in people me... Even when they show they don't care for me... Gradually I'm seeing things more clearly, just need to work on my shattered self esteem.. Thanks again , I really appreciate your answers 😀 Don't ever lose seeing the best in people, good trait to have. Good luck with the self esteem and hope you realise your self worth, then the true boundaries come based on your requirements, not someone else's! and life will be a lot better. Aww I know it is but I ruminate constantly! Drives me mad... Yes terrible boundaries, they def need work and I'm always trying to people please... God knows why no one tries to please me...still a new year and time to learn 😄 |
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