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Post by bohemianraspberry on Jan 17, 2020 17:42:30 GMT
nyc718I actually have got over the FA guy faster thsn suspected, thanks to this forum, my therapist and the first guy I dated (the lover). I think very little about him now. This new date seems not at all needy for a relationship. He said he considered on just being single. He has only dated one woman for dinner, but nothing more. And talked with two on the phone who he didn't meet. He says it feels different with me because we agree on so much, and I seem so kind and with good values. I only have his word for it of course. It will be interesting to see what he will suggest for us to do tomorrow. And if see seems more calm.
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Jan 17, 2020 17:44:23 GMT
I read about love bombing now, and it certainly can be a huge red flag. Manipulative, and an early sign of control behavior or a narcissist. So I will watch out.
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Post by nyc718 on Jan 17, 2020 17:47:46 GMT
nyc718 I actually have got over the FA guy faster thsn suspected, thanks to this forum, my therapist and the first guy I dated (the lover). I think very little about him now. This new date seems not at all needy for a relationship. He said he considered on just being single. He has only dated one woman for dinner, but nothing more. And talked with two on the phone who he didn't meet. He says it feels different with me because we agree on so much, and I seem so kind and with good values. I only have his word for it of course. It will be interesting to see what he will suggest for us to do tomorrow. And if see seems more calm. I wish you the best! Find out as much as you can about his past relationships and what he has learned from them. The beginning is the time I feel that most are open to talking about things, before all the attachment stuff takes over and shuts them down, so find out what you can! |
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Post by kittygirl on Jan 17, 2020 17:51:36 GMT
So, I have started dating to get over FA. This is the second person I have met IRL. We matched at Tinder 5 days ago, chatted every day since then, talked 2 hour on the phone the 3. day and met yesterday for a car trip and a walk. After being used to attract mostly avoidant men, it feels very unfamiliar to meet this guy that seems so into me. He almost fell for me before we even met. He says the most important to him is that I am kind, and that he likes my personality and values. That it seems like I have understood what is important in a relationship. We agree upon not wanting to cohabit, and not see a BF/GF 24/7, but have time and space for ourselves. He has been single for 5 months, after a 5 year long relationship. His longest is 7 years. No kids. He is communicative and open, and seems honest. We agree upon a lot of things. Good looking  So far, so good. He initiated much of the texting. The first day, Sunday, it was continuously from I woke up until I went to bed. Also much of the Monday and Tuesday, and in the evening we talked 2 hour on the phone. He loves to travel and want to find a GF to travel with. He want to take me to a SPA hotel this weekend to spend a day and a night together, to get to know each other. I say we really must meet in person before going on such a trip. I was starting to get overwhelmed with the texting, he saying things like maybe 2020 will be our year, maybe when we are old we can drive a camper through Europe, he feels so lucky to have met such a nice girl (not woman, I am almost 50...). Some sexting too, but I like it, even if it is early. I start to wonder if I actually have attracted an AP this time... I tell him that he is very intense, it is unfamiliar to me, and I get concerned/wary. He says yes, he is aware of it too, he is usually not that intense. So he slows down, so much that I am actually starting to miss him, I tell him, and we have found some sort of right pace of texting between us. He tells me that he really likes me, but has had a past... He has been in an environment with a cynical view of sex and body. It turns out he has been a stripper. It dosen't really bother me, it think it is pretty harmless, I have even been to strip bars myself a couple of times. But it is good to hear it from him now, and not later, and not from someone else, I guess. Yesterday he picked me up from work with his car and we just drove around the city and went for a walk. He was very eager to touch and hold me, said he was very nervous, said I looked better live, smiled a lot. In the conversation he mentions that his mother left them when he was 7, and that it is a long story. He doesn't have much contact with his mother, and just recently just spoke up to her for the first time. No details. I ask if he has siblings, and yes, but not in contact with them either. He has good contact with his father. When we parted there were just a couple of small kisses. I say yes to see him again, and also to join him for a trip this weekend. He will think of something nice for us to do. He is looking forward to talk with me and getting to know me. I must say this background story about his mother bothers me. He seems like a mix of secure/AP/avoidant. Secure because of the communication style, talking about feelings, pretty long relationships. AP because of the intensity and that he seems to be so hooked already. Avoidant because of not wanting to meet a girlfriend all the time, but having space. And the AP/avoidant mix (combined with his familiy issues) make me think he might be FA too, but more on the anxious side than my last FA who was leaning dismissive... What do you get out of this? What kind of questions could I ask him on the next date to get more information about his style? Just something to think about, but are you sure you want to date to "get over FA"? Not that I don't understand the reasons why you would want to do that, but it may be in your best interest to wait just a little bit longer, so instead of dating to get over him, you're dating because you are simply ready to get out there for you. I am only two months out of my breakup and I know I am not ready. I still have too much in my heart when I think of my ex though I know we are done forever. I know my emotions, chemicals, etc have to be more in line before I can be ready for anyone else again in my life. I want to be fully present and available, and not out there to mask any lingering unresolved issues as much as I can, about my ex. As far as someone being into you, not to toot my own horn, but any man that I have had some kind of relationship or connection to has always been "into" me, and why not, I'm a great catch. However, they being into me or anyone could be more about their eagerness to be with someone, and not necessarily that they were into "me". And certainly the last three men I have been with were into me from the get-go, and they turned out to be DA, FA and FA. So so much for that! They were into me, only to not be into me when things got too real for them. Five months out of a five year relationship doesn't sound like a long enough time to have processed the relationship and everything that went on, although it's entirely possible, though highly improbable, that they both were doing work before the relationship ended and decided that it was best they split. I personally would be wary of someone not even a full year out of a long term relationship like that. But I also have decided that one of my requirements going forth is someone who has done/is doing work on themselves and is willing to continue to do work going forward with me. Otherwise I feel like I just wouldn't trust that they are aware or evolved enough to meet me where I am now. Also the sexting so early on seems like a huge red flag. It's skipping getting to you know you intimately on an emotional level and jumping to the physical. And in my experience, the avoidants I have been with can ONLY offer the physical intimacy, and even that after a while they can no longer offer because of whatever confusion starts to take over internally. I say just as a matter of practicality, take it slow. Any man who is really into you will not have a problem with that. I loved what you said here so much NYC. It made me get a little teary eyed actually! The line "not being into "me"" really hit me. I needed this today. And Bohemian, I understand so much the desire to move on and get a "boyfriend". Hell I feel this urge all the time. But I also agree that because our pain can seem so bad at times that it might be tempting to jump into something new without fully processing the last thing (and by processing, I mean really thinking about your own role in what happened, how to heal inner pain that may be driving you to behave in ways you don't like, and just general self improvement). While you may not have been in a "relationship" with your FA guy technically, your heart and head were totally invested in him for months and maybe even YEARS if you think about it. Just remember that
Interestingly my guy friends are all like "You should start having sex [but they use more choice words] with someone to get over this dude" and my girlfriends are like "you should take a lot more time to focus on yourself and you will find that you may be happier without a guy at all". Sort of funny actually. I am trying to do the latter as best I can. Obviously you know yourself best but it is something to consider.
Thanks as always your willingness to share your journey. It helps a lot of us
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Post by kittygirl on Jan 17, 2020 17:52:56 GMT
nyc718 I actually have got over the FA guy faster thsn suspected, thanks to this forum, my therapist and the first guy I dated (the lover). I think very little about him now. This new date seems not at all needy for a relationship. He said he considered on just being single. He has only dated one woman for dinner, but nothing more. And talked with two on the phone who he didn't meet. He says it feels different with me because we agree on so much, and I seem so kind and with good values. I only have his word for it of course. It will be interesting to see what he will suggest for us to do tomorrow. And if see seems more calm. Oh I just saw this! Ha so what i said before is irrelevant. SOunds like you know what you are doing (AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING??? haha) |
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Post by nyc718 on Jan 17, 2020 18:40:25 GMT
Just something to think about, but are you sure you want to date to "get over FA"? Not that I don't understand the reasons why you would want to do that, but it may be in your best interest to wait just a little bit longer, so instead of dating to get over him, you're dating because you are simply ready to get out there for you. I am only two months out of my breakup and I know I am not ready. I still have too much in my heart when I think of my ex though I know we are done forever. I know my emotions, chemicals, etc have to be more in line before I can be ready for anyone else again in my life. I want to be fully present and available, and not out there to mask any lingering unresolved issues as much as I can, about my ex. As far as someone being into you, not to toot my own horn, but any man that I have had some kind of relationship or connection to has always been "into" me, and why not, I'm a great catch. However, they being into me or anyone could be more about their eagerness to be with someone, and not necessarily that they were into "me". And certainly the last three men I have been with were into me from the get-go, and they turned out to be DA, FA and FA. So so much for that! They were into me, only to not be into me when things got too real for them. Five months out of a five year relationship doesn't sound like a long enough time to have processed the relationship and everything that went on, although it's entirely possible, though highly improbable, that they both were doing work before the relationship ended and decided that it was best they split. I personally would be wary of someone not even a full year out of a long term relationship like that. But I also have decided that one of my requirements going forth is someone who has done/is doing work on themselves and is willing to continue to do work going forward with me. Otherwise I feel like I just wouldn't trust that they are aware or evolved enough to meet me where I am now. Also the sexting so early on seems like a huge red flag. It's skipping getting to you know you intimately on an emotional level and jumping to the physical. And in my experience, the avoidants I have been with can ONLY offer the physical intimacy, and even that after a while they can no longer offer because of whatever confusion starts to take over internally. I say just as a matter of practicality, take it slow. Any man who is really into you will not have a problem with that. I loved what you said here so much NYC. It made me get a little teary eyed actually! The line "not being into "me"" really hit me. I needed this today.
Thanks as always your willingness to share your journey. It helps a lot of us
Aww, thank you. On a personal note, I know I've done some growing myself, because there was a time when that was hard for me to admit to myself because I was so attached. I can now look at the relationship for exactly what it was, and that was that it was a relationship between two people who definitely loved each other, but because only one person was aware and willing to understand the deeper subconscious dynamics that drove the relationship, then the relationship was going to have to come to an end and not be able to go further. It's been a lot of pain and emotional heartache, but out of it has come growth and understanding and compassion. I read something today that I thought I would share. It is something that someone posted on IG, one of many accounts I follow. It said: How much love another person gives you shows you how much love they have to give, not how much you are worth of receiving. <3 |
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Jan 17, 2020 18:51:01 GMT
He is not stable committed relationship material. Maybe, maybe not. I am not sure. That is why I ask you what I can do to find out. What makes you sure after reading this? |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 17, 2020 19:02:55 GMT
He is not stable committed relationship material. Maybe, maybe not. I am not sure. That is why I ask you what I can do to find out. What makes you sure after reading this? I agree totally with janedoe and said the same in my response -- not to pursue this unless you're looking for something more casual. He doesn't have healthy boundaries. I agree with anne12 about looking into your own boundaries as well. Each romantic connection you've written about here has had wonky boundaries and you've had difficulty seeing that until we point it out, and are prepared to rush full speed into things. That's not a judgement. I'm pointing it out to suggest steering the question you're asking each time to be less about is this new guy a safe partner? And to get your posts to instead be asking, what work can I do to strengthen my own boundaries and make myself healthier so I can get to know these guys from a better starting point? And trust myself enough to know how to choose stable partners? |
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Jan 17, 2020 19:24:33 GMT
alexandraI feel this is spot on and what I needed to hear. Thank you! Will mention it to my therapist.
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 17, 2020 20:15:37 GMT
Maybe, maybe not. I am not sure. That is why I ask you what I can do to find out. What makes you sure after reading this? Your entire story. I can come back and go line by line if you’d like. I’m not being sarcastic but I’m on my phone and it’s too much to list right now. Neither of you are in a healthy place. You won’t find stability when you yourself aren’t stable (“I’m looking to get over the FA.”). It’s too fast, too intense and unnatural. When you’re in a healthy place, it’s easier to recognize. And actually I hate to say it, but this is why "whirlwinds" happen, usually one or both are trying to hide something, hence the need for speed to get into the "relationship" and lock someone down in their own mind anyway. The problem is, the true self has not come out, it's the "fake persona" you are seeing in the limerence, fantasy "the one" stage, and a lack of "true" communication. That is why largely these things never work out. It truly is the insecure attachment playing out |
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Post by amber on Jan 17, 2020 21:22:52 GMT
No judgment from me but I’d have to agree with what Alexandra and stu said about poor boundaries. I’m speaking from my own personal experience here when I say that sometimes our desire to just have a partner leads us into unhealthy dynamics with others. It’s likely if that’s where youre at and you’re coming from a neediness place that you’ll attract someone else at a similar leave. From what you’ve written this guy sounds a bit off to me and I’d be wary...my ex FA was sooooo into me when we first met and I got totally swept up, and looking back it was way to quick and it led to lots of old wounds being triggered too fast and him not being able to handle it.
How long have you been single for? I like you am not good at spotting red flags or paying attention to them, and have a tendency to rush into relationships; and because of this I’ve decided I can’t actually trust my own judgment at this point in time and need to stay on my own and work on myself. I’d ask myself some honest questions about where the need to be with someone is coming from...do you have alone/loneliness feelings? Do you struggle to be on your own? Have you stayed single for periods of your life after a relationship ends?
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Post by amber on Jan 17, 2020 21:25:42 GMT
Also it sounds pretty unhealthy how the r/ship with his ex ended. She was essentially cheating on him?! That’s massive and he will likely harbour resentment/fear/sadness/trust issues etc that could very easily be projected onto you if he hasn’t dealt with that, and I dare say he hasn’t as five months is not a long time to process such a feeling of betrayal in a r/ship. Not that cheating is ever the right thing to do but I always wonder what r/ship dynamic led that person to cheat...was their partner emotionally unavailable in some way and they felt lonely in the r/ship?
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 17, 2020 22:32:22 GMT
Also it sounds pretty unhealthy how the r/ship with his ex ended. She was essentially cheating on him?! That’s massive and he will likely harbour resentment/fear/sadness/trust issues etc that could very easily be projected onto you if he hasn’t dealt with that, and I dare say he hasn’t as five months is not a long time to process such a feeling of betrayal in a r/ship. Not that cheating is ever the right thing to do but I always wonder what r/ship dynamic led that person to cheat...was their partner emotionally unavailable in some way and they felt lonely in the r/ship? Just as a sidenote, I know my F-A ex had been cheated on by ex husband and the guy prior to me. At least twice. Immoral behaviour like that speaks volumes of that male partner selected, regardless of a lack of emotional connection/intimacy, you talk about it and walk away if it's not working, not cheat. So says a lot about partner selection, on top of this it does say, there were intimacy issues as well, which my ex has ultimately, not initially in the whirlwind honeymoon phase it was hidden,when the true relationship was forming after her pursuit, it stymied. So definitely something in it all. |
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Post by mrob on Jan 18, 2020 0:13:00 GMT
To cut through all this. Not all compliments are efforts at control. I was told recently that compliments are an opportunity to look at myself through someone else’s eyes. They’re nice. I don’t ever remember having constructively positive things said about me until my second wife, and I couldn’t take it. Now, when I see it, I say it. I’m not a glass half full bloke yet, but I’m a heck of a lot better than ever before.
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Post by mrob on Jan 18, 2020 3:03:55 GMT
Absolutely. I agree, but I’d hate to think of every compliment as being with bad intent.
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So far, so good. 
