nikki
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Posts: 9
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Post by nikki on Jan 21, 2020 0:56:23 GMT
Hi everyone
I’ve been hanging around on these forums a lot over the last month or so and have found it SO helpful not only because it helps me to see things in new ways (which can be hard!) but also that it challenges me to more carefully consider “my version of reality”. Most of all though it’s just made me feel less alone & weird.
In therapy I’ve been working on (amongst other things) challenging myself to not feel afraid/guilty to have needs and boundaries... or more specifically not being afraid to share those with my current partner even if he reacts badly to it.
As an AP I find it difficult knowing how to do this constructively. Based on a previous post I shared here and also discussing it more with my therapist, I believe my partner is FA although it actually doesn’t really matter what he is as my focus now is more about doing what’s right for me rather than putting all my energy into analysing him & his attachment style.
Anyway, I was hoping to get some feedback/advice on my first attempt at trying to communicate my feelings/needs to him in a slightly more secure way.
Background is that all seemed really great & happy but when we hit the 2.5 year mark of our relationship I found out he had kissed another women while on holiday - he lied about it when I asked him & refused to discuss it. This had a big impact on our relationship & a few months later I found out he had lied numerous times about not being able to spend time with me as he needed to be alone/work while in fact he was visiting 2 ex girlfriends (that until this point I didn’t know existed). He had always been honest about other female friends he visited and I had never had an issue with that so it was the lying that upset me more than the fact he was visiting another woman. I felt very hurt and betrayed and reacted very emotionally ... cue protest behaviour such as insisting on talking, requiring lots of reassurance, texting looooong messages, withdrawing in the hope of making him miss me etc... He obviously reacted badly to my insecure way of handling things and totally withdrew saying he loved me but that the fact that I was so upset traumatised him and that he doesn’t know if he can be with someone who could get so upset over what he believes wasn’t a big deal (he has said the ex girlfriends are just friends, nothing more). He refuses to discuss it at all.
In Sep last year he exploded and said he needed space and time alone as he couldn’t deal with me requesting we talk things through. He would still text me a few times a week to say hi and ask how my day was but would not meet up or talk on the phone. In Mid Nov we did start meeting up and have done so 5 or 6 times now but only briefly for a drink & a general friendly catch up. I started therapy at this point and worked hard at giving him space (not texting other than to reply to his messsges and keeping it light & friendly when we met up). I did slip into old patterns on 3 occasions where i sent him a text asking where things stand and getting emotional when he said he still doesn’t know and that I must stop being dramatic ... but haven’t done so for almost 1.5 months now. Despite this he seems no nearer to making any sort of decision or being prepared to discuss a way forward and this being in limbo is killing me. I suspect he’d be happy just continuing like this forever though.
So today in my session, my therapist challenged me saying that I’m focusing so much on what he needs to feel comfortable that I am forgetting my own needs and that it’s perfectly okay not to be satisfied with being left in limbo for 4 months. That it’s okay to calmly and respectfully share my need for a decision to either move forward together or to agree to part ways. This terrifies me as I worry he will think I am giving him an ultimatum and will refuse to speak to me again.
She suggested I draft a text message to send him that makes my needs clear but also being clear that I have boundaries (ie fidelity & honesty) as well as reassuring him that I am working on improving how I react to emotional triggers.
So here it is ... what do you guys think? Too emotional? The last paragraph is the one that’s giving me the most trouble ... I don’t want it to sound like an ultimatum but at the same time I want to be honest about my need for a decision either way as we can’t continue like this. I realise he may not be capable of deciding (in which case I will need to end things) but I want to give him the opportunity to make a choice.
Dear xxx I really am sorry if I didn't handle my hurt in the most constructive way in the past. I know I let my emotions run away with me and that it resulted in me being withdrawn and/or needy which can be very stressful for others. I am working hard on myself & finding more healthy ways to respond. I can't apologise for being hurt by what happened as honesty & fidelity are important boundaries for me. I hopeful though, that with the work I am doing, I will be able to deal with difficulties in a more measured way in future.
I can see how a few months of space initially is very helpful to clear your head & help you decide what your boundaries are and what you need.
But I can't change the past ( or my past reactions) and I'm not sure another 4 months or 8 months of space will change much. I know it’s not your intention, but it can feels like I'm being punished for my reactions/response which I can't go back and undo.
I love you very much and I really want to work with you to give you the space/time you need ... however I am finding this uncertainty very difficult and need to share with you that at some point soon we need to decide whether to continue together or go our separate ways.
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nikki
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Posts: 9
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Post by nikki on Jan 21, 2020 1:44:55 GMT
I know this isn’t what you’re asking but are you sure you want to be with someone who has lied to you? Visiting exes....eh not fond of that. I could potentially be open depending on the circumstances but it’s completely reasonable to suspect what the intent is there after he kissed another woman. I’m not sure why you’re walking on eggshells after he did these things. How you feel isn’t really the issue, it’s more about sticking around and accepting this kind of behavior. Did he ever apologize to you, assure you it wouldn’t happen again? Very valid question! And one I have been dwelling on a lot .... He initially lied about the “kissing thing” so no real apology there initially other than to say “I’m sorry if you’re upset but it’s really nothing”. He did look very uncomfortable & kept saying he was having heart palpitations - I just don’t think he knows how to verbalise emotions at all. He didn’t appear to be proud of himself or mocking of my sadness ... he just built a wall and hid away. When he eventually admitted to it 6 months later our relationship was so rocky (I was in full blown activation mode despite being not excessively AP previously in our relationship) that we were t really able to talk about it at all without him getting up and physically leaving after 10minutes of discussion. He said he lied about meeting up with ex-gfs as I had reacted so badly to the whole kissing incident that he was scared to tell me and that he needed space away from the intensity of everything and that he was just needing time with friends to get space away from the drama I was causing by not being able to forget things. I was honest about needing him to reassure me it wouldn’t happen again but he just refused to discuss it saying there was no point as I was just trying to punish him by wanting to talk. He said he knew he was the one that made the mistake but that the fact that I was so upset by it made him feel trapped and stressed. He said it scares him knowing he has the power to hurt me so much and that it’s too much pressure. Deep down I think he knows what he did is wrong and I think he really does feel bad, but I think he finds it’s EXTREMELY difficult to face up to this and to take personal accountability for hurting me ... I think that’s why he cannot cope with discussing it or apologising as that means admitting he has lied and hurt someone. . This was obviously made worse by my very emotional & needy response. So he deals with that by deflecting and withdrawing and finding ways to deactivate. I don’t believe the intention was to hurt me or that he gets any satisfaction from it. |
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Post by amber on Jan 21, 2020 2:20:58 GMT
Wow! Thanks for sharing your story. Sounds like a lot of heartbreak and betrayal from his end to be honest. It’s really hard when you have been with someone for years and then to be treated this way. I have to say from my perspective he is acting very immaturely and dishonest towards you.
He cheated, which is a major betrayal, and then from what you have said he didn’t really take responsibility for it; putting it back on you for having a strong emotional reaction! I mean, who wouldn’t?! That would have made you feel even worse, and react more strongly. I think cheating is one thing that is hard to repair, and I have read that it is repairable, but only if the person take full ownership of what they did and BOTH people are willing to do healing work to make amends. Has he seen a therapist about his actions?!
I don’t think I could stay with someone who cheated, then wouldn’t own up to it, be willing to address the problem and not blame you for your emotional response. By being willing to stay with him despite his behaviour, you are kind of enabling him. I would look at the part of yourself that is willing to accept such disrespect, to keep the love and connection.
If he has been moslty absent for four months, that is not acceptable. He needs you to put some firm boundaries in place in a direct way about what you are willing and not willing to accept. You can’t just wait around Indefinetly! Being in “waiting energy” is a horrible place to be, and I beleive is very bad for your physical and mental health as it creates an enormous amount of anxiety. And as long as you allow it he will most likely keep rolling with it the way it is, because then he doesn’t have to actually address his wounds and pain. He is in major avoidance mode! If he doesn’t work on himself he won’t change...coming to terms with that is hard, I have been there and I know how friggin hard it is accepting reality, but you mustn’t live in a fantasy going forward xx
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Post by alexandra on Jan 21, 2020 2:31:55 GMT
nikki, I say this as previously AP for much of my life, so understanding the urge to explain away and accept his behavior, and now on the earned secure side after years of work... no matter what the reasons, or excuse, he's bad with emotions, whatever... his behavior has repeatedly shown you that you can't trust him. If you can't trust your partner, in good times and bad, what's the point of the relationship? It won't make your life any easier, that's for sure.
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nikki
New Member
Posts: 9
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Post by nikki on Jan 21, 2020 15:15:40 GMT
I feel like such a failure … I know this relationship is not good for me and is destroying my self esteem. I know that even if we manage to sort things out I will in all likelihood never trust him again and will spend the next few years of my life not having my needs met and feeling worse and worse. My head knows this is the case and if i had a friend who was in a similar situation i would tell her that the only sensible solution would be to leave .... and in fact if i heard a similar story 5 years ago i would really wonder at why anyone would find it hard to leave because its so obviously the right thing to do.
What makes it worse is that i KNOW i am not doing what i should do and that makes me feel SO ashamed. I also means I'm embarrassed to ask my friends for support as i know they must be thinking I'm an idiot for staying ... i worry they will think "well if she chooses to remain in a bad relationship she needs to stop constantly being upset about it".
I guess its the same as wondering why a woman who's partner beats her doesnt leave .... to an outsider leaving would be so obviously the right thing to do.
I feel really strong for a few days after my therapy session (twice monthly) but it dissolves quickly. I hate that i cant control my emotions better despite knowing in theory what the "right answer is" ... what if i never ever manage to put the theory into practice? In all other areas of my life I am so in control and so strong but this relationship feels like its broken me .... i've always been a bit on the sensitive side and am a people pleaser but it has never ever consumed my life and made me feel so depressed until this relationship.
Any practical advice for me from you strong people who have managed to get it right? How do you manage the hurt and panic and extremely negative self talk and self blaming in practical terms (i know the theory from my many therapy sessions but struggle to put it into practice under periods of intense emotion & activation)?
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Post by alexandra on Jan 21, 2020 19:55:35 GMT
It took some time to receive that programming. It will take you some time to program yourself a different way. Yes, I was going to say the same. This isn't about shame and positioning other people as better than you, including at appearing to manage their emotions "better". The comparison trap is another piece of the negative AP self-talk narrative that's standard to the attachment style. You don't need to compare or answer to anyone but yourself -- that's actually the programming talking. But it's hard to let go of while you don't trust yourself. One thing that can help is re-writing your narrative. My guess is that, due to childhood dynamics, you got programmed to believe you're "bad", others are "better", and you don't deserve more. That conditioned you to be ripe for staying in a difficult relationship with someone you can't trust who blames you for all the issues. You're willing to accept that narrative and take on all the emotional labor for you both, because of the preexisting patterns you're wired for. Trying to make that kind of situation work becomes a downward spiral to already damaged self-esteem. Instead of feeling ashamed that you weren't "strong" enough to "deal with it" or that you're too emotional... how about, you've been through multiple situations that left you with some trauma to heal, but you've been strong enough to introspect and become aware. Now you're choosing to start your healing process, even if it's difficult and will take time. You're making the worthwhile investment to focus on choosing yourself and recovering from your bad past relationships. Nothing shameful in that. |
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Post by amber on Jan 21, 2020 21:27:11 GMT
I feel like such a failure … I know this relationship is not good for me and is destroying my self esteem. I know that even if we manage to sort things out I will in all likelihood never trust him again and will spend the next few years of my life not having my needs met and feeling worse and worse. My head knows this is the case and if i had a friend who was in a similar situation i would tell her that the only sensible solution would be to leave .... and in fact if i heard a similar story 5 years ago i would really wonder at why anyone would find it hard to leave because its so obviously the right thing to do. What makes it worse is that i KNOW i am not doing what i should do and that makes me feel SO ashamed. I also means I'm embarrassed to ask my friends for support as i know they must be thinking I'm an idiot for staying ... i worry they will think "well if she chooses to remain in a bad relationship she needs to stop constantly being upset about it". I guess its the same as wondering why a woman who's partner beats her doesnt leave .... to an outsider leaving would be so obviously the right thing to do. I feel really strong for a few days after my therapy session (twice monthly) but it dissolves quickly. I hate that i cant control my emotions better despite knowing in theory what the "right answer is" ... what if i never ever manage to put the theory into practice? In all other areas of my life I am so in control and so strong but this relationship feels like its broken me .... i've always been a bit on the sensitive side and am a people pleaser but it has never ever consumed my life and made me feel so depressed until this relationship. Any practical advice for me from you strong people who have managed to get it right? How do you manage the hurt and panic and extremely negative self talk and self blaming in practical terms (i know the theory from my many therapy sessions but struggle to put it into practice under periods of intense emotion & activation)? Oh girl i can so relate to how you are feeling!!! I am AP too and two months ago went through a really hard breakup with an FA who like your partner was not honest with me and breached my trust. Like you, I found it really hard to totally walk away and found myself desperately wanting to get back with him, pining after him, feeling like I would do anything to keep the relationship. I get the shame and judgement about this, and feeling like an idiot for wanting to be with someone who treats you so badly. I got through this by reminding myself that this is the child part of me; that it’s not the adult part. The child part had to put up with abuse and had to maintain a connection with the caregiver at all costs to survivor, and this pattern is repeating now in romantic relationships. I can tell you if you do decide to walk away, it does get easier with time, and at least you walk away with your integrity and self regard intact, as well as honoring your relationship with yourself. You are the ONLY one who will always be with you throughout your life. What sort of therapist are you seeing? If it’s just talk therapy, it will only take you so far as these patterns are at the level of the nervous system/emotional part of the brain. A lot of people here have had success with somatic experiencing therapy. I’ve been doing internal family systems work which is working with internal unconscious child parts of the self with some success. Have you considered trying a different approach? |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2020 0:16:09 GMT
I feel like such a failure … I know this relationship is not good for me and is destroying my self esteem. I know that even if we manage to sort things out I will in all likelihood never trust him again and will spend the next few years of my life not having my needs met and feeling worse and worse. My head knows this is the case and if i had a friend who was in a similar situation i would tell her that the only sensible solution would be to leave .... and in fact if i heard a similar story 5 years ago i would really wonder at why anyone would find it hard to leave because its so obviously the right thing to do. What makes it worse is that i KNOW i am not doing what i should do and that makes me feel SO ashamed. I also means I'm embarrassed to ask my friends for support as i know they must be thinking I'm an idiot for staying ... i worry they will think "well if she chooses to remain in a bad relationship she needs to stop constantly being upset about it". I guess its the same as wondering why a woman who's partner beats her doesnt leave .... to an outsider leaving would be so obviously the right thing to do. I feel really strong for a few days after my therapy session (twice monthly) but it dissolves quickly. I hate that i cant control my emotions better despite knowing in theory what the "right answer is" ... what if i never ever manage to put the theory into practice? In all other areas of my life I am so in control and so strong but this relationship feels like its broken me .... i've always been a bit on the sensitive side and am a people pleaser but it has never ever consumed my life and made me feel so depressed until this relationship. Any practical advice for me from you strong people who have managed to get it right? How do you manage the hurt and panic and extremely negative self talk and self blaming in practical terms (i know the theory from my many therapy sessions but struggle to put it into practice under periods of intense emotion & activation)? ahh, been there done that too! it almost seems like a rite of passage for earning secure, lol. The fact that you're aware of all these thoughts is already showing progress - if you weren't moving along, you wouldn't even be aware of these things so clearly. for myself, i accepted that there is no "right" thing to do. the emotions are intense because you're not just upset about this person, you've been storing the emotions and its energy for a long time, and they need to GET OUTTTTT. that's why there're periods of intense emotions and activation; it's just an accumulation of alot of energy over the years, and the current situation is triggering to let the floodgates open. So, the only sensible thing to do is to let them out, in your own safe space. For me, I treated my emotions with appreciation, for being there to tell me something is wrong and for being kept away for so long, and I release them by crying. I never cried so much in the past 3 years than my entire life. These days, the tears come easily, and the emotions clear much faster once I release them through crying. after i cleared out all the negative energy/emotion, i could start thinking more clearly and storing myself with more calm and positive energy that filled the foundation of strength. from there on, you can then manage your emotions better, because you're coming from a place of calm and quiet, not a place of repressed negative energy that you channel towards being strong. in short, got rid of my crappy foundation of repressed emotions and people-pleasing orientation then fill it with a better foundation of new principles and positive energy. I also want to say that knowing what is the right thing to do is not the same as feeling that decision. The solution is simple, but execution of the solution is a journey that you must undergo in order to make peace with it. you're on the way, and it's ok to take time to become a person who executes quickly. For me, during this journey, i took a very hard look at myself and why I'm so reluctant to let this go. I found out that I had defense mechanisms, hopes and dreams that I've held on to for a long time to get through life, in hopes of finding someone to take me away and love and adore me like nobody else has before. I gave up those hopes, and with it all the defense mechanisms and coping behaviors that are designed to achieve that fairy tale dream. Giving up the dream was the hard part, not the mechanisms and behaviors. It doesn't mean I've resigned myself to being unloved, it just means I resigned myself to being ok if that is what happens. Lastly, I read the crap out of the internet. having labels put on your experiences and understanding how they've come to be, and that it is normal and widespread, was greatly useful to me sensemaking my life. Understanding the dynamics of it all made me a lot less confused, which contributed a lot to these intense periods of emotions/activation - a large part was just being confused and scared. I learnt that others have also gone through it and they have lessons/insights that I didn't understand at that point of reading, but reading alot of them means the thought is in my subconscious. some days, some things click suddenly oh, and re friends, what kind of support do you usually get from them or hope to ask for? I used to have alot of conversations about how i was feeling and what happened etc etc, AP style - rumination and in detail. I've since gained alot of independence from them; i know they got tired of me and to be honest, now in hindsight, i can understand. a man who treats me poorly is nothing to cry home about. what I was crying about is how I felt unloved and unlovable, and having their attention on me and my inner world was like a salve to a burn. I never had much loving attention on me in general, and when they talk to me about me and my world, it felt good. But, it was just a nice immediate fix. i stopped relying on friends and didn't ask them for any support because only i can sort out the inner confusion. asking them to get involved in that inner confusion only confuses them because logically, it's not that complicated. Only those who have been through it themselves can dole out some empathy and insight. if you want your friends to support you, ask them for company and laughter that keep you away from thinking about your relationship/troubles/stress; enjoy yourself with them and rely on the good feelings of having good company to boost you up, without talking about the bad ones. That's a good way they supported me, not indulge in more endless unproductive conversations that they don't have any answers to/experience on that only prolonged my feelings of distress and added to their confusion and frustration. I'm not saying that is what you do, just my own experience. |
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Post by amber on Jan 22, 2020 5:03:50 GMT
I feel like such a failure … I know this relationship is not good for me and is destroying my self esteem. I know that even if we manage to sort things out I will in all likelihood never trust him again and will spend the next few years of my life not having my needs met and feeling worse and worse. My head knows this is the case and if i had a friend who was in a similar situation i would tell her that the only sensible solution would be to leave .... and in fact if i heard a similar story 5 years ago i would really wonder at why anyone would find it hard to leave because its so obviously the right thing to do. What makes it worse is that i KNOW i am not doing what i should do and that makes me feel SO ashamed. I also means I'm embarrassed to ask my friends for support as i know they must be thinking I'm an idiot for staying ... i worry they will think "well if she chooses to remain in a bad relationship she needs to stop constantly being upset about it". I guess its the same as wondering why a woman who's partner beats her doesnt leave .... to an outsider leaving would be so obviously the right thing to do. I feel really strong for a few days after my therapy session (twice monthly) but it dissolves quickly. I hate that i cant control my emotions better despite knowing in theory what the "right answer is" ... what if i never ever manage to put the theory into practice? In all other areas of my life I am so in control and so strong but this relationship feels like its broken me .... i've always been a bit on the sensitive side and am a people pleaser but it has never ever consumed my life and made me feel so depressed until this relationship. Any practical advice for me from you strong people who have managed to get it right? How do you manage the hurt and panic and extremely negative self talk and self blaming in practical terms (i know the theory from my many therapy sessions but struggle to put it into practice under periods of intense emotion & activation)? ahh, been there done that too! it almost seems like a rite of passage for earning secure, lol. The fact that you're aware of all these thoughts is already showing progress - if you weren't moving along, you wouldn't even be aware of these things so clearly. for myself, i accepted that there is no "right" thing to do. the emotions are intense because you're not just upset about this person, you've been storing the emotions and its energy for a long time, and they need to GET OUTTTTT. that's why there're periods of intense emotions and activation; it's just an accumulation of alot of energy over the years, and the current situation is triggering to let the floodgates open. So, the only sensible thing to do is to let them out, in your own safe space. For me, I treated my emotions with appreciation, for being there to tell me something is wrong and for being kept away for so long, and I release them by crying. I never cried so much in the past 3 years than my entire life. These days, the tears come easily, and the emotions clear much faster once I release them through crying. after i cleared out all the negative energy/emotion, i could start thinking more clearly and storing myself with more calm and positive energy that filled the foundation of strength. from there on, you can then manage your emotions better, because you're coming from a place of calm and quiet, not a place of repressed negative energy that you channel towards being strong. in short, got rid of my crappy foundation of repressed emotions and people-pleasing orientation then fill it with a better foundation of new principles and positive energy. I also want to say that knowing what is the right thing to do is not the same as feeling that decision. The solution is simple, but execution of the solution is a journey that you must undergo in order to make peace with it. you're on the way, and it's ok to take time to become a person who executes quickly. For me, during this journey, i took a very hard look at myself and why I'm so reluctant to let this go. I found out that I had defense mechanisms, hopes and dreams that I've held on to for a long time to get through life, in hopes of finding someone to take me away and love and adore me like nobody else has before. I gave up those hopes, and with it all the defense mechanisms and coping behaviors that are designed to achieve that fairy tale dream. Giving up the dream was the hard part, not the mechanisms and behaviors. It doesn't mean I've resigned myself to being unloved, it just means I resigned myself to being ok if that is what happens. Lastly, I read the crap out of the internet. having labels put on your experiences and understanding how they've come to be, and that it is normal and widespread, was greatly useful to me sensemaking my life. Understanding the dynamics of it all made me a lot less confused, which contributed a lot to these intense periods of emotions/activation - a large part was just being confused and scared. I learnt that others have also gone through it and they have lessons/insights that I didn't understand at that point of reading, but reading alot of them means the thought is in my subconscious. some days, some things click suddenly oh, and re friends, what kind of support do you usually get from them or hope to ask for? I used to have alot of conversations about how i was feeling and what happened etc etc, AP style - rumination and in detail. I've since gained alot of independence from them; i know they got tired of me and to be honest, now in hindsight, i can understand. a man who treats me poorly is nothing to cry home about. what I was crying about is how I felt unloved and unlovable, and having their attention on me and my inner world was like a salve to a burn. I never had much loving attention on me in general, and when they talk to me about me and my world, it felt good. But, it was just a nice immediate fix. i stopped relying on friends and didn't ask them for any support because only i can sort out the inner confusion. asking them to get involved in that inner confusion only confuses them because logically, it's not that complicated. Only those who have been through it themselves can dole out some empathy and insight. if you want your friends to support you, ask them for company and laughter that keep you away from thinking about your relationship/troubles/stress; enjoy yourself with them and rely on the good feelings of having good company to boost you up, without talking about the bad ones. That's a good way they supported me, not indulge in more endless unproductive conversations that they don't have any answers to/experience on that only prolonged my feelings of distress and added to their confusion and frustration. I'm not saying that is what you do, just my own experience. I love this! I’m in a similar place myself with realising that the fairytale fantasy love is really a myth...that’s a hard one to coming crashing down from. I think I was very naive before (as I think many people probably are) about relationships and what they can offer us... no one will save us from our pain or love us into total happiness...this is a hard pill to swallow but it also feels liberating facing the reality of it. For the first time in my life I’m actually not interested in men or receiving sexual attention/looking for romance. It feels really nice for this not to be something I’m seeking out, l didn’t realise how much energy went into this. I think part of growing up is coming to terms with the myth of romantic love and what it can really do for us. |
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nikki
New Member
Posts: 9
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Post by nikki on Jan 22, 2020 10:49:21 GMT
Its so validating and helpful reading through all your responses ... in fact i think i am going to come back and reread them when i am feeling the darkness descend again.
I've been reading up a lot about intermittent reinforcement since @janedoe mentioned it in her reply and that has been a bit of a lightbulb moment for me ... i makes me feel a lot less ashamed and guilty about finding this situation so difficult which in itself helps a great deal in healing i think (i think forgiving yourself and having empathy and compassion towards yourself is a really good first step in making positive changes ... or at least it is for me).
Below is an extract from an article i read last night that really resonated with me :
The most powerful way to heal from the uncertainty created from intermittent reinforcement is to meet it with the certainty that you’re dealing with a manipulator.
Survivors can benefit from working with a trauma-informed professional to safely get in touch with their authentic anger and outrage at being abused, which will enable them to remain detached from their abuser and grounded in the reality of the abuse they’re experiencing. Learning to identify and “track” the pattern can help to disrupt the vicious cycle before it begins again.
Only when survivors allow themselves the complexity of their emotions towards the abusers can they fully recognize that their investment in their toxic partners has little to no positive return – it is, in fact, a gamble that is far too risky to take in the long run.
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