Fearful Avoidant or Just Not Into Me?

Sorry you were blindsided and dumped out of nowhere. That really hurts and is a terrible shock to the system.
If you read the threads on here you will see there is often a pattern of circling back and forth for an FA.
The meeting family, friends and co workers doesn't fit with my experience of being with my ex fa, also he found it very hard to say I love you, even though he did love me those words made his very uncomfortable.
May I ask how long you were together and how long you have been apart.
My ex Fa who left me 5 weeks ago for the 5th time in two years, always saying I deserve someone so much better than him, he cant give me what I deserve but loves me has broken my heart.
He has sent me some lovely gifts since leaving to say how sorry he was for hurting me. It's just heartbreaking. Why if someone clearly loves you but because of past traumas cant stick around I just dont know 😪

stu, I've also had this happen to me several times, but no one else was ever involved. It was just me choosing avoidant partners over and over, and them eventually deactivating when their intimacy threshold maxed out and they could no longer override their nervous system conditioning. The only two times someone else was involved was in short situations where the relationship wasn't really established yet. One guy who likely had serious mental imbalances would reach out to test the waters with me (I wouldn't answer) when he was having problems with other women and wanted attention, even though I ran away from him after he started getting abusive during a few weeks of dating. Another likely FA had an idealized "one" he was pursuing already unbeknownst to me, but he never would claim to be all in with me. I think it's damaging (especially for APs or someone triggered anxious) to assume there's almost always a someone else driving this behavior, it's usually just the partner was always emotionally unstable. Even if there is someone else, that still usually reflects the partner's lousy intentions or inability to have healthy relationships, and doesn't reflect on the value of the person who got blind sided -- except to introspect and decide if they themselves might be AP or FA to have chosen and then tolerated a partner like that. Or, if there really were no red flags and it was a one off with a type of personality they've never encountered before, why they'd blame themselves and get stuck on it instead of going "woooow what a terrible communicator and partner" and moving forward in mourning. That could also indicate AP / FA in self.

It is hard when they just flick the switch god only knows why.
I was lying in bed with my fa in the morning drinking tea and watching the news. He was telling me how happy he was. That very same evening after a few drinks he told me he doesn't still know what he wants, that's after two years. We were living together. The next day whilst I was at work he came home a cleared all his stuff and that's what I came home too. He later text me saying he was sorry it ended like this, I hope I find a better man than him and he was blocking me on everything as he felt it was the only and kindest way we could both move on. In under two weeks I was unblocked and have received gifts from him and messages saying how amazing I am and how sorry he is for hurting me. It's crazy stuff and very sad when you really love someone.
How are you feeling today x

Whoah! That's a trip! I just got ghosted by my ex fa like 6 months ago and I'm about to be 30 in a few days,and she turns 26 in March. I also dated her on and off the last two years but ended 6 months ago because she de activated and ghosted. Yall dont live in California do you? Maybe we both dated the same girl hahaha

I can't even imagine how devastating that was.  My ex seems pretty much done with me for good.  She's in a new long distance relationship.

Today I'm not feeling too great.  I miss her, what we had, what we were supposed to have.  And now I have to hear and see she's in love with somebody else and she's apparently willing to put in the effort to make a long distance relationship work but with me she didn't try anything to make it work.  I hate that he's getting the best of her, the girl I had.  I just don't get why she didn't love me enough to even attempt to work through whatever it was that was bugging her, especially when she acted so happy and in love with me.  I really thought I was special to her like she said, it seemed like she couldn't stay away from me.  One minute it was texts at 1 in the morning saying "I love you so much babe", talks of vacations, a love poem, a "I've waited for this moment for so long", and then boom done.  "I love you but I'm not in love with you", "We're different people", "I feel partly contained and I don't want to feel contained", "I can't do this anymore", "You always do what I want to do".  I just don't get it.  She's telling me she never falls in love but was in love with me, never feels like she can be herself with people but feels so comfortable with me, being around me makes her happy.  How could any of that come out of somebody's mouth and her just discard me like it was nothing?


Nope NY haha


I'm just not sure if my ex is avoidant or not I just don't know.  I mean she did say she remembers the exact moment she started feeling uncertain, she was getting dressed in the morning and I kissed her cheek from behind, that seems pretty weird for a) An innocent kiss on the cheek to cause a reaction like that but more so b) that she can pin point this change of heart to an exact moment.  Or maybe it's not that weird?  I don't know, I've never experienced that.

Just kills me I somehow wasn't the one that totally melted her heart, that she would move mountains for and do anything to make it work.  I thought I was.  I was so damn good to her.  Maybe a little too good to her?  Ugh my heart hurts thinking about how much I miss her and what we had and how badly I want her back.

There's so many red flags waving here. I put some of the avoidant red flags in italics for you, and bolded some of your own AP projections that you should really think about (instead of all the external-focused ruminating on her).

Someone who says they never fall in love [but you're the exception] is someone who isn't actually open to being in a serious relationship. To buy into the narrative of how special that makes you, to win over someone shut down that you had to fight for and open up, is a form of longing and chasing "love" that feels validating and excites your nervous system. But it's not healthy or functional because it's loaded with projections on both sides. This is very common for someone with anxious preoccupied attachment, and usually ties back to an inconsistent adult caretaker in your childhood who showed conditional instead of unconditional love. Was that part of your experience? On the side of the person who said that, either they're telling you you're the exception to make you feel good in a manipulating way, or they're unaware avoidant and don't understand their inner emotional landscape. While they believe what they're saying is the truth, they'll revert back to their normal pattern in time and treat you like the others they "didn't love" until they do some serious work on healing themselves and become more secure. This is because their issues with love have to do with themselves and have little to nothing to do with their partners. The only difference in regards to partners is avoidant dynamics mix differently with different attachment styles. A DA will always eventually push away an AP, who will cling harder. A DA might push away a secure, who will either do their own thing but stay in the relationship, or simply get fed up and leave. A DA with another DA often mutually stays too distant to really attach. If an avoidant wants an illusion of intimacy with no real work, they may opt for a comfortable long-distance situation, as it has built in physical distance and you don't need to put in as much effort to create emotional distance.

Someone anxious-leaning (AP or FA) will just about always feel triggered more anxious by a more avoidant partner, and will eventually push away a more anxious partner or even a more secure partner. The AP/FA isn't interested in actual availability (though it's not a conscious feeling). Again, with someone more avoidant, that longing is there, lighting up the nervous system, hoping to correct a childhood wound of an adult caretaker's love being out of reach. This is just as dysfunctional as avoidance, even if it creates all the wonderful words and behaviors that make someone feel like it's an epic love. It's projection and selfish, because it's about anxiety-relief and seeking validation. But it's not conscious or intentional.

Insecure attachment styles evolve as a defense mechanism to help a child survive, but unfortunately people don't grow out of it as adults without awareness and lots of deliberate work. And insecure attachment styles inhibit healthy and functional long term relating in adults. Saying why didn't she fight for you is over simplifying this. And I assure you that no one else is getting the best of her. She'll repeat her pattern possibly endlessly, and your assumption otherwise is a negative narrative in your own head -- which is part of the AP pattern. Always putting yourself down relative to other people.

She deactivated during a moment of quiet intimacy. You gave her a kiss on the cheek when she was getting dressed. $hit actually got real. Totally normal for avoidants. You didn't do anything. Love is not transactional, you weren't "too nice" to her. She isn't capable of sustaining the kind of relationship you want.

The way out of this is to dig into your AP style and into why you wanted to buy into a fantasy type of love, where you were the white night. And to understand that from your first bold statement above, you are mourning potential and not reality. Which is perfectly okay, as long as you don't get yourself stuck forever -- which you can do in your own head with potential. I've done this. The most intense time I did it, I loved an FA LTR ex so much and was totally blind sided by him leaving me and blamed myself completely. How could I be so horrible to have someone driven away someone I loved so much and was so good to and so good with? Well, I didn't. It really was him, not me, and in rare moments of clarity he'll say that. In moments of avoidance, he told a different story and blamed me in ways that made no sense. I used the devastation to rebuild myself, eventually earning secure, so I'd stop chasing avoidants and blaming myself. I understand where you're at and it will take you some time to shift your perspective, but I promise it will be way more constructive for you to focus on yourself and not worry about her until you've solidly got your own back.

This was my experience with ex FA. And I have read all the posts on the FA board and can’t see any stories of relationships with an FA actually working out. Seems like 100 % fail rate. Unless the people having successful r/ships with FA don’t come back here to update us?!