Fearful Avoidant or Just Not Into Me?

Because they are still in honeymoon period and she hasn’t deactivated yet. It’s VERY early days, give it six-12 months and see what happens. That’s all u need to focus on at the moment. And healing your own wounds around this, that are not actually about her

maxymax "That was supposed to be me!"

You're so lucky it's not. Everyone I know who whirlwinded like that got married -- and then brutally, smashingly divorced almost as quickly. In these cases, the intensity drivers were all women, and I knew the guys. The guys were also emotionally unstable to put up with it and think it was acceptable (read: romantic) behavior. They each had their lives upended and partially destroyed. It's not a recipe for a happy ending.

This is pretty much it, no securely attached individual, male or female would accept that. If a woman wanted me to meet her parents within weeks, I'd probably go "avoidant" myself pretty much. I'd explain that is much too soon to meet family and we should date for longer, and watch the reaction for a start. It's never happened, but the F-A I dated whirlwinded me as was really, it was intense and 20 texts a day type stuff. I was seeing that as a red flag instantly really.

I mean I guess but literally living with somebody for a month - month and a half is A LOT of time to be spending together for it not to put some sort of dent in that perfect facade.  Although I guess a week of it was on a vacation on the boat with several people and then a long weekend away with other people and now again vacation.  Mostly vacation fun. Not much real life I guess.

And I know that if I were emotionally healthier, I would not be reacting this way.  I would have been hurt for a couple of months and then truly believed I'm better off without her and that I will find somebody better and moved on.  I am working on myself.  it's a struggle not to focus on her sometimes, but I am trying to rebuild myself.  I've started training for a half marathon, a triathlon, I've taken up singing lessons and plan to do a live performance at a bar for all my friends and family, I'll be getting back into jiu jitsu.  I'm doing a lot of things to push myself, better myself.  I'm really pretty talented although having such a beaten down self esteem right now it's hard to see and accept how talented I really may be.  Sometimes I realize I have so much going for me, I'm so talented, I'm so smart, I'm getting in such good shape, I'm challenging myself, I have amazing friends and family, I have so much and she can't even compare.  Nor can this boat servant.  But still I think, if I have so much, why'd she let me go.  It's a constant mental battle, but I'm battling.


I know, I tell myself what kind of person does that when they're dating somebody.  I mean shit, she did something pretty messed up to me the first time we dated.  Recent history shows she is not ready to settle down, that she's not long term material.  I recall numerous times asking my buddy "who does shit like that?" "she couldn't go a long weekend without getting fucked?" things like that.  And now I realize a person that goes on family vacations and needs to sleep with somebody, or who posts thirst traps on social media (most of her pictures are just of her, a lot of bikini pictures/stories and most wild are recent pictures from these boat vacations where she's topless but covered her nipples with emojis - I mean who posts pictures like that besides instagram models!?) or does what she did to the kid she was dating before this, is not somebody that is girlfriend material.  while at the time I was asking my friend out of hurt and frustration and confusion, I now realize the fact I even had to ask those questions and numerous times isn't a coincidence, isn't just because I was jealous/hurt/upset, it's a reflection of who she is and her character

But I think back to her serious and long relationship in college and that makes me think she is capable of it.  And now I see/hear about her committing to this guy and spending all this time with him and traveling around to make it work, having him live with her, taking him on family vacation and think if she's willing to make this long distance guy her boyfriend and put in that effort she must really see a future with him somehow.  Although I'm sure when we started dating the second time around, she probably thought she had a real future with me too.  In a break up letter she wrote me she said "You deserve somebody who praises you, supports you and loves you no matter what.  I truly thought that was me.  I never would have done this if I didn't believe myself."  But still it's hard to see all this effort and what not and think it's not so serious.

I do try to remind myself that she hasn't changed and this new guy isn't going to magically change her either.  Sometimes that works to quell my negative thoughts.

I know you're probably right about her.  Seeing as I have no experience with people who act like she does, I couldn't possibly know.  Just so wild that somebody that I thought was so kind, caring, thoughtful, loving, empathetic, and so many other things, could be such poor relationship material.

This is what I truly beleive:
She probably broke up with you BECAUSE you have a lot going for you. You have to remember that FA have low self esteem and self worth, don’t feel deserving of love and care, and are afraid of rejection. They don’t recognise when good things come their way, it feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable for them;they are so used to chaos and instability. Perhaps the new man is a douche who fits her mould of her parents of childhood circumstances, and that’s familiar. Similarly to you, I have a lot going for me and feel my ex was intimidated by me, compared himself to me, and felt Unworthy of love from someone like myself (but wasn’t aware of this?)...I don’t say this arrogantly, and I am not perfect either, but I wonder if there is some truth to this

Well I'm not so sure of that.  When we were dating, although I wasn't noticeably depressed, I certainly wasn't genuinely happy with life.  I hated my job and really didn't do much else with my life.  I started getting involved in all of this stuff and taking my talents more seriously because after our second real break up I fell into such a deep depression and I knew I needed to make changes, get involved in things, challenge myself.

When breaking up she said she felt like I held her down (not sure how since she did whatever she wanted), said she felt contained, felt I was reliant on her energy sometimes.  None of which REALLY made sense but I guess maybe she could sense my moderate depression (she did say she's very sensitive to people's energy).  Maybe she didn't feel like I had anything going for me at that time...

In terms of her low self esteem, I'm not sure.  She's absolutely gorgeous and seems to know it.  She knows she's very happy go lucky and bubbly and knows people like to latch onto that (she said she doesn't like that).  She knows she's talented and very fit.  She knows she has a certain pull on guys.  But at the same time when we got back together she said that she always feels like such a weirdo but was so comfortable with me, said she knows she has a hard exterior but is really sensitive on the inside, and seems to post a lot of instagram stuff that I would imagine is for validation/attention.

I didn't think I necessarily placed my happiness on her but I do recognize in retrospect I was not really happy in life.  I was just kind of on autopilot but I have a ton of friends and was always up to something so I never really thought about it as not being happy in life.  Being with her was definitely the deepest and most profound happiness I have ever felt.  I figured I just didn't like my job but was ok other than that.  Considering how hard this break up has hit me and how much it has made me question myself as a man and life in general and just how depressed I got, it's clear I was really not ok.

What would even qualify as putting my happiness on her though?  Maybe I did and don't even realize it

I'm working on myself.  Forcing myself to get off my ass and go for that run and go for that bike and that swim.  Going to my singing lessons.  I do try to focus on myself.  A big problem, when I try to remind myself of the facts of what happened and the bad things she did, to counteract my idealizing and longing, it's just words I'm repeating to myself.  My heart doesn't buy any of it.