Not sure what to do | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

rick
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Not sure what to do Feb 7, 2020 22:26:22 GMT via mobile

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Post by rick on Feb 7, 2020 22:26:22 GMT

My name is Rick and I'm 33 years old. I started dating this girl about 5 months ago. Things started out amazing between us. We talked for hours on end every night for the first 3 months. We would hangout 3 times a week and when we weren't together she was calling me. A deep love and connection was developed through this time. Cori my Girlfriend, would sometimes say some things that almost seemed liked she was warning me about herself. Saying things like I shut down in my past marriage. Past boyfriends have left me because they said that I didn't care. My Mom and Dad Don't sleep together and sometimes go on vacations alone. I overlooked these things because she showed no signs of holding back emotion and seemed like she cared greatly about me and our relationship. Her ex husband and her had a daughter together. Her name is Lilly and she is 2 1/2. Her ex husband always used their daughter as a way to control Cori. She was always in fear that if she didn't do what her ex would say, then he would take their daughter away from her. So she almost always seemed to do what her ex said.

Well, everything was going great for the first 3 months. I work on the road at times and came home from Christmas to be with Cori and my Family. We had planned to go to my Dad's together for Christmas. She let her ex know so she could have her kid on Christmas Day and go with me on Christmas Eve.I woke up on Christmas Eve 2 hours before we we're going to leave to my Dads and she woke me up looking concerned. She told me that her ex's parents had came up to his house unexpectedly and that she had to go with Christmas with her Ex for their daughter. Said that she feared that him and his parents would play games if she didn't. I couldn't believe this was happening to me, just seemed so strange. I broke up with her and left to go to my Dad's... that was rough. She told me she was so sorry and felt really bad. That I was good for her and she loved me and wanted to be with me. She wanted to meet and talk.I know her ex planned this to try and ruin are relationship, she knew it too. I had to leave for work (on the road) and didn't have much time, so I met with her to talk.When I met with her she broke down crying and said she was ready to give up inside. That her ex told her that he didn't want any other men in their daughters life. She still wanted to be with me. I told her I would if she could promise that she wouldn't let a situation like that happen again. She couldn't though, she knew he would pull something like that again and she would go along with it. I had to fly out early the next morning. I went back and forth with her a couple times, saying I would be with her and then changing my mind. I didn't want to have to leave her, but felt so disrespected. At the airport the next morning, I told her that I wanted it to work and would do whatever to make it work. She said that maybe it wasn't fair to me the way things were and she maybe shouldn't be dating. I told her it's ok and we'll work it out. She said ok and we would work through it. Well, she started to not call, which was strange because she always called. I responded by calling her over and over. The separation anxiety was horrible. I knew something was up and she wasn't returning my calls.Eventually we talked and she said that she was doing this because she was scared and feared rejection. That she was sorry and we would talk more. I was on the road for three weeks and she continued to pull away. I returned and we got together. She seemed like a completely different person. She was closed off emotionally and showed no empathy at all. It was like you were talking to her, but she wasn't there. This kept up for a bit and she continued to be shut down. I ended up breaking up with her and told her that she treated me badly so I had to go. A week went by I was trying to talk to her to reconnect again because I missed her. She wouldn't respond, so I Thanked her for all of the good times and siad goodbye. She instantly texted back saying that she wanted to talk. She called me that night and said that she shut down and that it has never been that bad before. That every time she does it it gets worse. She apologized multiple times and we got back together. Well It's been 2 1/2 weeks now and I've still yet to see her. We've made plans multiple times and she always cancels and says its because of her work or her daughter. I try to talk to her about it but she seems to stonewall me or says we always talk serious. She calls me multiple times a week and tells me she loves me, but never let's me see her. I told her that it hurts me and I would really like to spend some time with her. So she said sorry and promised we would hang out. Something came up with her work again and that got canceled. She really does work all week and has her daughter all weekend. She doesn't get the alone time she needs to re-charge and is not coping with it well. She doesn't know how to cope with life and gets overwhelmed easily. She pushes all her feelings way down so she doesn't feel them and often doesn't know what she is really feeling. I don't know what to do at this point. How do I play this out where I can get through to her and see her? I fear I can't tell her how I really feel because she will stonewall me or pull away her emotions even more. What's the best way to handle this situation?

Dualcitizen
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Not sure what to do Feb 8, 2020 0:39:29 GMT serenity, nyc718, and 2 more like this

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Post by Dualcitizen on Feb 8, 2020 0:39:29 GMT

Hi Rick, Thanks for sharing your story.

It certainly has hallmarks of a Fearful-Avoidant attachment.

You have a couple options:

1. probably walk away from it and chalk it up to experience.

2. Go through more "intermittent reinforcement" (push-pull with yourself or herself reaching out and making promises to catch up, but excuses coming up as is happening now, exactly the same happened to me over a few month period with my ex., was the first time in my life I had ever seen anything like it, and she also had health issues which at the time she used as a cover for the behaviour, which threw a spanner in the works so to speak in terms of me totally walking away immediately) and pain and suffering whilst being emotionally attached and she withdrawing further and further away.
You can try, if over time you're willing to be a solid person in her life, as the psychologists say, and I'm talking this could take years, and no guarantee she wont get bored and find someone else that that she suddenly whirlwinds into her life as she did you. (I was whirlwinded as well, and my ex. I have gathered has done it every single relationship that I know of) So could be even more pain and suffering whilst you put in massive effort.

Fearful-Avoidant behaviour appears to be steeped in trauma (Complex PTSD) from childhood. With unhealthy enmeshment with parent/s, and will display one or two of the 4F trauma/stress responses unhealthily (Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn) which will determine the main behaviours (i.e. My ex. was a Fawn/Flight type, a people pleaser and codependent, very dependent on parents financially etc, but hated them as well, and keeps busy when activated with a flash back, which causes the avoidance, as opposed to the anxious whirlwind you witnessed at the start of the relationship, where I bet she was very passionate in the bedroom. I also seen her literally freeze in the spot when she seen me after a period of no contact, and also dissociated a lot where she seemingly "zoned out" and wasn't really paying attention/listening, also was emotionally dysregulated and wasn't coping generally). Brianna McWilliam on youtube describes F-As as a "Spice of Lifer", which is very apt imao. From the getgo, her critical inner voice was evident (warnings in effect) and lowish self esteem "You are too good for me, why are you with me!", "If you leave me, I'll never get over it this time!", "You'll cheat on me when we have time apart with a younger girl downtown!" and little other queues here and there, along with mentioning her abusive parent.

Upto you how you wish to proceed. I wont sugar coat it here. With my experience with it all, and a very similar relationship length and some other similarities, I would either if you couldn't really be bothered with major drama, just walk away and forget about it, or if you have the emotional strength, and decouple yourself from her emotional attachment wise, you can be friends. I myself had another relationship for a year with a secure attached girl, and then recently came back and befriended my ex. and I have been trying to help her understand what is going on with herself, as she is really suffering from the trauma with ongoing health issues, it's from a total altruistic unconditional love perspective, where I don't expect anything in return at all. Just be good to see her self esteem increase, remove her critical negative inner voice (hurt super ego from parent physical and verbal abuse) and subsequently reduce her health issues and emotional dysregulation overall.

Other than this, there truly is not much you can say or do that will change the situation. As other factors outside yourself can also "trigger" her and cause avoidance and emotional dysregulation. (Clearly the ex. is a reason here, is a "Fight" type with narcissistic tendency and control, which may mean she is more a "fawn" type herself, they are attracted to the opposite of their 4F response, and partners uncannily resemble the abusive parent, familiarity with past)

All the best with your decision.

Last Edit: Feb 8, 2020 2:08:10 GMT by Dualcitizen

serenity
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Not sure what to do Feb 8, 2020 1:04:29 GMT nyc718 and Dualcitizen like this

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Post by serenity on Feb 8, 2020 1:04:29 GMT

I agree with dual citizen. The inconsistency of this relationship is setting you up for an unhealthy intermittent reinforcement dynamic. It will make you anxious, preoccupied, and the relationship will be highly addictive, whilst you barely get your needs met. It will be painfully hard to walk away from, moreso the longer you stay in it.

Its easy to see why you sympathise with her, she sounds like she has both C-PTSD and FA traits. And she is a single mother still involved with her controlling ex, which is common for FA women (to get into relationships with controllers). In short, her inconsistent FA'ness is on steroids right now.

If you have it in you, I'd suggest detaching and giving yourself space to collect your thoughts. You might consider supporting her as a friend down the track.

Last Edit: Feb 8, 2020 1:05:22 GMT by serenity

faithopelove
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Not sure what to do Feb 8, 2020 1:24:36 GMT via mobile dhali and Dualcitizen like this

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Post by faithopelove on Feb 8, 2020 1:24:36 GMT

Attachment aside- she has absolutely no reason to acquiesce to her ex’s demand about going with him and his family at Christmas. That’s just crazy!!! As a parent, she has rights. He can’t remove his daughter from her bc he’s jealous. I have 4 kids w my ex and never once would I let him play those games with me. In fact, I have him blocked in every possible way just so I don’t have to communicate with him at all. Boundaries. She needs to grow some for her own sake and any relationship she is in.

She sounds very unstable and with the tendency to shut down I don’t think this relationship with her will bring you long-term happiness. If that’s what you’re looking for, you should probably keep looking. Sorry

amber
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Posts: 391

Not sure what to do Feb 8, 2020 12:54:49 GMT via mobile dhali and Dualcitizen like this

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Post by amber on Feb 8, 2020 12:54:49 GMT

Do you know what your attachment style is? You said you broke up with her twice when things went wrong? Do you beleive that was the best tactic? Just curious, and not meaning to be critical, but breaking up with someone on the spot in the heat of the moment when you are upset isn’t always the best approach either...it does sound complicated though...