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Post by ik2020 on Feb 23, 2020 21:43:47 GMT
Just becoming aware has been the biggest step which came from a mixture of counselling and reading (this forum has been amazing). But it is so hard when I'm in a flashback as all logic goes out the window. Even if you know the feelings aren't real it doesn't stop you feeling them if that makes any sense. I'm trying to always keep in mind how damaging this behavior can be to others.
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Post by Helsbells on Feb 23, 2020 21:49:42 GMT
Just becoming aware has been the biggest step which came from a mixture of counselling and reading (this forum has been amazing). But it is so hard when I'm in a flashback as all logic goes out the window. Even if you know the feelings aren't real it doesn't stop you feeling them if that makes any sense. I'm trying to always keep in mind how damaging this behavior can be to others. It's just so heartbreaking to hear this. God bless you. I hope you can make a real breakthrough and fine peace and love and all that you deserve. Thank you for your honesty x |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Feb 23, 2020 22:02:32 GMT
Just becoming aware has been the biggest step which came from a mixture of counselling and reading (this forum has been amazing). But it is so hard when I'm in a flashback as all logic goes out the window. Even if you know the feelings aren't real it doesn't stop you feeling them if that makes any sense. I'm trying to always keep in mind how damaging this behavior can be to others. It makes total sense after reading Pete Walkers book. You literally overtime have to be mindful and realise when the flashback is happening, it would be hard, and you would miss some, as it's totally the subconscious doing it and how it's been programmed to respond from young. The real problem as well is, natural "trauma bonding" or "fantasy bonding" with other insecures and thinking that is attraction, and then being burnt again.....and again perhaps. That would retraumatize imao and link into the self defeating nature of the subconscious programming. Vicious circle. Particularly if that hurt super ego is negatively chattering away daily. It's great you're aware like the others in here and trying to understand and work on it, kudos to you. |
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Post by ik2020 on Feb 23, 2020 22:21:48 GMT
I read Pete Walker's book on your recommendation and it's absolutely fantastic. I would strongly urge all FAs or those trying to understand FAs to read it!
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Post by iz42 on Feb 23, 2020 23:17:42 GMT
I'm not sure where to put this, so I'm putting this here — I read on Diane Poole Heller's blog that once FAs realize no one is in their "house" (in the other room), a deep depression comes over them — that fear of abandonment has been justified. I'm just trying to understand the feeling — so it's basically like instant relief they're left alone and then in X amount of time, deep depression? I've kind of experienced that before, where I've pushed someone away then was like "oh crap, I didn't mean to." With my FA, I might can see this in smaller quantities. I guess the triggering anxious to prevent the abandonment. Like if I'm short, busy, or a little distant, he'll reach out much more. Sometimes say I don't answer for an hour (not on purpose, just say in a dinner etc), he'll text again. Never like "where are you?" etc as he's not that direct, but just something else random. It's interesting because in my AP style, I wouldn't ever text again unless someone hadn't answered for like a day or multiple days. I'd be upset internally and get anxious, but never show it like that. I wonder if it's worse on your body to internalize — but better for relationships/others — or if it's the same on your body. Sometimes I also feel like he throws out things to test me. I've read about how some of the distancing strategies can be tests, some not — never really easy to tell. I'm always trying to be consistent, etc, and it's easier now that I can recognize protest behavior quickly in myself and even if I can't stop the urges, I can usually just try to act normal or just give myself a time out. (again my protest behaviors are not communicating out of answer, etc — not like over texting or being mean etc) I can't imagine the amount of restraint it would take to keep myself from reaching out while being stonewalled. When I've been in AP activation mode, not texting or calling at all in protest mode, ever, would have taken superhuman strength for me. But maybe it doesn't feel that way for you? |
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Post by serenity on Feb 25, 2020 19:02:08 GMT
I think its reasonable to want intimacy, and to feel wanted by your lover. Most people would want this in their romantic relationships, its not necessarily an attachment thing.
I guess how I'd feel in your situation, is that the relationship was more like friendship with benefits. He's not really emotionally co-regulating, and you're on your own a lot of the time, emotionally and physically. I think its really hard to build trust in relationships that are so distant and emotionally independent.
When I broke up with my ex, one of my Epiphanies was that he was a very good friend to me, but not a good romantic partner. I do like that post breakup, the lines are more clear. He is my dear friend, and its better for me emotionally not cloud this with sex. He disagrees, lol. But I feel much better for it.
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Post by ocarina on Feb 25, 2020 21:37:20 GMT
I've been reading along and trying not to comment as I feel that my input is at least in part coloured by a similar experience to yours in my past. No advice as such - but it might be useful to ask yourself the question : is he really there for me in the way that I need? Of course that is a very personal need - but connection, consistency and availability are human needs - and a predictor of long term relationship happiness. It's easy to blame your anxiety on your attachment issues - but my gut feeling here is that there's much more going on - that it is a very human need that is denied in relationship with people who are not consistently present. There's no blame here on either side - but a recognition that what you have here is what you will get in this relationship - that there's no waiting for the penny to drop on his side and him to change his behaviour to fit your needs. These kinds of patterns of intermittent connection are so alluring because some of the time it's just wonderful - but that by denying your need for emotional connection, you're storing up resentment and unhappiness which inevitably will surface sooner or later. Either that or your mental health will be affected and surely no relationship will be worth that. I am posting this again because I think it's a great article and particularly relevant in this kind of situation. "The key factors that define the quality of any bond are the perceived accessibility, responsiveness and emotional engagement with an attachment figure. These translate neatly into the acronym ARE, capturing the key question that arises in conflict with close others: ‘Are you there for me?’" i think it's possible to overthink this in terms of attachment - and with hindsight, all my analysing and working out and rationalising was just my avoidance of a deep feeling of hurt and rejection. Like @serentiy life was much more peaceful for me when I took the emotional expectations that come with sex off the table. aeon.co/essays/how-emotionally-focused-couple-therapy-can-help-love-last |
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Post by serenity on Feb 26, 2020 6:33:24 GMT
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Post by dhali on Feb 27, 2020 20:39:22 GMT
If you were condemned to living the same life over and over with all the same decisions in your life having been made exactly the same way and your life is repeated in perpetuity, would you choose to be in this relationship and experience all of this over and over, forever?
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