|
|
Post by amber on Mar 3, 2020 11:01:54 GMT
Having contact would be way too triggering. It would Keep me in an unhealthy hopeful place, I know it. Better off no contact. The man can’t have attached r/ships with anyone; it’s good for me to remind myself of that, I was reflecting how much he struggled to communicate even with his eldest son and friends; when we go out socially with them, he would often sit there and barely say a word...I thought it was strange st the time but it makes sense now. His self esteem is so low. Yeah, its sad for them, they can't hold onto their `love' feelings with so much triggering going on inside of them. And without consistent access to their love feelings, their relationships become unhealthy and broken. At worse, abusive. I can relate to it only insofar as when I'm highly triggered, my mind is capable of demonizing as a defense. Much less so now, as I am aware of it and fight hard to hold onto a balanced view. But when I was very young, my love could switch to revulsion very swiftly when triggered. I try to imagine what it would be like, when normal intimacy is the trigger...how fighting the negativity and need to run to a safe place is a constant battle for them. How they still need love and relationships, but it makes them feel so awful when they have those things. Amber, just never blame yourself for any of it. It hurts like hell to have your lover say `I don't love you any more' but you've got to know, you are fully lovable and you didn't do anything wrong. His issues have been with him for a long time, and he won't change without seeking the proper help. Thankyou! I have this tendency to demonise too, and do a black and white thinking thing where if I’m annoyed with a friend I’ll tend to think more highly of other friends lol, I think this is kind of like a splitting mechanism and something I would have done with my parents as a child. I’m reminding myself what it would be like to be back with him; to feel how it would feel to be with someone who is uncertain about you/intimate relationships, to be with a person who is so ambivalent, how id always be walking on eggshells and feeling like I had to be perfect or to prove myself, and how I’d want to have convos where I was digging around regularly to see how he felt about me, if he was feeling uncertain etc...how incredibly horrible and stressful that would be. It’s helping me let go a bit. I can’t live like that long term...most important thing in r/ship is to be yourself and have someone love you for who you are. |
|
|
|
Post by stu on Mar 5, 2020 10:37:37 GMT
Saw her tonight for the first time since I was on that short trip back here, she never said a word to me then. Tonight she saw me and said Hi and walked straight up to me and gave me a hug and tried talking normally. Which is a first since she ever ghosted so long ago. I was so pissed I couldn't even say a word to her and just hugged her back and turned to my friends and kept talking to them. I definitely dont feel triggered anxious seeing her. I felt rude but I honestly handled it as best I could. All the messed up stuff she did was just in my head seeing her and without the filter of rose tinted glasses. It just made me really damn pissed about how poorly she treated me and how she ended up in a relationship shes still in with the guy she always lied about to me and kept going back to everytime she deactivated from me. Just posting here to vent because I'm clearly still mad about everything that happened before. For a while I felt in a haze about what actually happened and so confused because nothing made sense. Now I feel more clarity and it just makes me mad to know what I allowes myself to put up with before. And feeling so taken advantage of. She did look upset for the rest of the night after I was so dismissive with her. And just sat in corner on her phone the whole time. And kept staring at me which I saw out if my prephieral vision a lot. Trying not to notice. It's so weird that I messaged her asking to be friends still and felt okay with that. But then seeing her it was completely different feeling and the way I felt messaging her I did not want that at all when I saw her. Just angry about all the bs.
Edit** I asked to stay friends before I knew she was in a full blown relationship with the other guy. After I heard about that and saw her post about it I would not have tried to reach out again.
|
|
|
|
Post by Helsbells on Mar 5, 2020 11:02:13 GMT
Saw her tonight for the first time since I was on that short trip back here, she never said a word to me then. Tonight she saw me and said Hi and walked straight up to me and gave me a hug and tried talking normally. Which is a first since she ever ghosted so long ago. I was so pissed I couldn't even say a word to her and just hugged her back and turned to my friends and kept talking to them. I definitely dont feel triggered anxious seeing her. I felt rude but I honestly handled it as best I could. All the messed up stuff she did was just in my head seeing her and without the filter of rose tinted glasses. It just made me really damn pissed about how poorly she treated me and how she ended up in a relationship shes still in with the guy she always lied about to me and kept going back to everytime she deactivated from me. Just posting here to vent because I'm clearly still mad about everything that happened before. For a while I felt in a haze about what actually happened and so confused because nothing made sense. Now I feel more clarity and it just makes me mad to know what I allowes myself to put up with before. And feeling so taken advantage of. She did look upset for the rest of the night after I was so dismissive with her. And just sat in corner on her phone the whole time. And kept staring at me which I saw out if my prephieral vision a lot. Trying not to notice. It's so weird that I messaged her asking to be friends still and felt okay with that. But then seeing her it was completely different feeling and the way I felt messaging her I did not want that at all when I saw her. Just angry about all the bs. Aww Stu it's a a process hey. I have heard anger is a healthier emotion that feeling depressed and desperate so just roll with it. I remember being very hurt and angry when the man I showed nothing but love and care for first starting deactivating and nit picking. I wasnt aware off attachment theory at the time, and had never experienced being blind sided in all my 30+ yes off relationships. This time round and after working on myself and when he started to cycle back after ghosting me, I called him out and called him a serious head fuck. I personally needed to say that. Attachment side apart we all know how to morally treat someone who hasnt harmed you. Keep venting Mate x |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Mar 5, 2020 15:52:14 GMT
Saw her tonight for the first time since I was on that short trip back here, she never said a word to me then. Tonight she saw me and said Hi and walked straight up to me and gave me a hug and tried talking normally. Which is a first since she ever ghosted so long ago. I was so pissed I couldn't even say a word to her and just hugged her back and turned to my friends and kept talking to them. I definitely dont feel triggered anxious seeing her. I felt rude but I honestly handled it as best I could. All the messed up stuff she did was just in my head seeing her and without the filter of rose tinted glasses. It just made me really damn pissed about how poorly she treated me and how she ended up in a relationship shes still in with the guy she always lied about to me and kept going back to everytime she deactivated from me. Just posting here to vent because I'm clearly still mad about everything that happened before. For a while I felt in a haze about what actually happened and so confused because nothing made sense. Now I feel more clarity and it just makes me mad to know what I allowes myself to put up with before. And feeling so taken advantage of. She did look upset for the rest of the night after I was so dismissive with her. And just sat in corner on her phone the whole time. And kept staring at me which I saw out if my prephieral vision a lot. Trying not to notice. It's so weird that I messaged her asking to be friends still and felt okay with that. But then seeing her it was completely different feeling and the way I felt messaging her I did not want that at all when I saw her. Just angry about all the bs. Aww Stu it's a a process hey. I have heard anger is a healthier emotion that feeling depressed and desperate so just roll with it. I remember being very hurt and angry when the man I showed nothing but love and care for first starting deactivating and nit picking. I wasnt aware off attachment theory at the time, and had never experienced being blind sided in all my 30+ yes off relationships. This time round and after working on myself and when he started to cycle back after ghosting me, I called him out and called him a serious head fuck. I personally needed to say that. Attachment side apart we all know how to morally treat someone who hasnt harmed you. Keep venting Mate x I think anger is a very healthy emotion as long as you do not “react” when you are feeling it. I think for those of us who had childhoods where our boundaries were violated because we felt that boundaries would prevent us from getting our needs met....anger is an appropriate feeling. I am exploring anger right now with my therapist and finding it very helpful to finally own that I had boundaries that were not honored. |
|
|
|
Post by dhali on Mar 6, 2020 18:57:18 GMT
Stu- I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. It must be hard. This just isn’t how relationships are supposed to be. From my perspective, you continue to dance the dance. Just now, it’s under the guise of friendship. There is a lot of focus on what she’s doing or not doing. In my opinion, the best way for you to move forward is to disappear from her life. I get you have a shared social group. Keep that, but I’d stop contacting her at all. If she contacts you, ignore it. It’s just not healthy. From my perspective, it seems as if you are still trying to manage her emotions. You’re not responsible for them, and I doubt you’d could ever do enough to sooth her anyhow. That’s not a reflection of you. Remind yourself that you’re posting about her on attachment forums, and that you don’t do that for any other “friends”. In person, be cordial, but that’s it. Don’t strike up conversation. Yes/no answers and keep your distance. Otherwise, you could be dancing the attachment dance for a very very long time.
|
|
addict
Junior Member
Posts: 56
|
Post by addict on Mar 6, 2020 19:26:39 GMT
Saw her tonight for the first time since I was on that short trip back here, she never said a word to me then. Tonight she saw me and said Hi and walked straight up to me and gave me a hug and tried talking normally. Which is a first since she ever ghosted so long ago. I was so pissed I couldn't even say a word to her and just hugged her back and turned to my friends and kept talking to them. I definitely dont feel triggered anxious seeing her. I felt rude but I honestly handled it as best I could. All the messed up stuff she did was just in my head seeing her and without the filter of rose tinted glasses. It just made me really damn pissed about how poorly she treated me and how she ended up in a relationship shes still in with the guy she always lied about to me and kept going back to everytime she deactivated from me. Just posting here to vent because I'm clearly still mad about everything that happened before. For a while I felt in a haze about what actually happened and so confused because nothing made sense. Now I feel more clarity and it just makes me mad to know what I allowes myself to put up with before. And feeling so taken advantage of. She did look upset for the rest of the night after I was so dismissive with her. And just sat in corner on her phone the whole time. And kept staring at me which I saw out if my prephieral vision a lot. Trying not to notice. It's so weird that I messaged her asking to be friends still and felt okay with that. But then seeing her it was completely different feeling and the way I felt messaging her I did not want that at all when I saw her. Just angry about all the bs. Aww Stu it's a a process hey. I have heard anger is a healthier emotion that feeling depressed and desperate so just roll with it. I remember being very hurt and angry when the man I showed nothing but love and care for first starting deactivating and nit picking. I wasnt aware off attachment theory at the time, and had never experienced being blind sided in all my 30+ yes off relationships. This time round and after working on myself and when he started to cycle back after ghosting me, I called him out and called him a serious head fuck. I personally needed to say that. Attachment side apart we all know how to morally treat someone who hasnt harmed you. Keep venting Mate x Aww, I've felt exactly the same as you, we had a break of about a year once after I'd been ghosted ( should have learnt my lesson then ) I went with a friend to a school reunion and as I opened the door there he was , I knew without looking in his direction and calmly went to the bar and bought a drink.... Within a minute he tapped me on the shoulder , I turned really not expecting it to be him and look on his face told me he'd forgotten how attracted to me he was until the moment he saw me again! It's like out of sight out of mind... He looked sheepish and asked how I was... I said very well thank you, hope you are too and turned back to my friends... I felt so strong at that moment... Later I just knew he was watching my every move.. At one point I looked straight at him and we just stared for at least a couple of minutes at each other... Finally he looked down but I knew at that moment he felt bad about how he'd tossed me to one side. At the end of the night he came and stood in front of me and looked me up and down and asked the person I was talking to who I was... He then picked up my hand and kissed it stepped back , shook his head and walked on by.. I knew there was still something there... It didn't need to be said! He then contacted me on Instagram but when I replied he ignored me... It was almost like he made peace in his head , he probably didn't think of it again but to me it was huge... It was almost like I felt a green light to go again... I guess I looked in to it too much... I romanticised everything in my head over him , I don't feel it was all down to me... Very similar scenarios played out many times over 8 years , I was always the one left or let down so was guarded if we ever bumped in to one another , whereas he would tell me how strong the spark was and we should pursue it! The next day he would either ignore my message or be very cold... You will always be in this dance... As I was... It's very addictive... Putting up with the cold shoulder in between bouts of closeness where I really felt we'd turned a corner but it always usually within days reverted back to him almost telling me he'd changed his mind . As much as it hurts you have to think of you and your feelings... He's now with someone new and he wouldn't even consider being friends with me... It's understandable! But the more I ponder it all why on earth would I want friendship with someone who likes me one day and can confide in me at great length to ghost me the next! Time to think of you and healing as it's the only way forward... Sorry for the long post but I needed to type it 🤔 |
|
