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Feb 24, 2020 2:32:39 GMT
iz42 likes this
Post by tnr9 on Feb 24, 2020 2:32:39 GMT
I think escape tactics...such as drugs are very common.....
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Rant
Feb 24, 2020 2:57:59 GMT
Post by iz42 on Feb 24, 2020 2:57:59 GMT
Yeah just to echo several others, I've posted about my FA ex who was a severe alcoholic. I suspect that the drinking was a deactivating strategy because it coincided with a lot of distancing and then he would cycle back. The sad thing is that he clearly knows he needs help with the drinking and he's gone to rehab, etc., but he doesn't see that he might need help with relationship/attachment issues.
I personally would never date someone in active addiction again, but it's tough because it's quite common. I see addiction as a mental health problem like depression or bipolar disorder, not a spiritual or moral failing.
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Post by dhali on Feb 24, 2020 3:05:03 GMT
The sad thing is that he clearly knows he needs help with the drinking and he's gone to rehab, etc., but he doesn't see that he might need help with relationship/attachment issues. Having blind spots in who you are isn’t exclusive to f-a’s. It’s fairly universal. We all can’t see things we need help with. |
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Rant
Feb 24, 2020 4:16:30 GMT
Post by iz42 on Feb 24, 2020 4:16:30 GMT
dhali I don't believe it's exclusive to FAs at all. I have blind spots as well.
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Rant
Feb 24, 2020 6:33:44 GMT
via mobile
jeffrey likes this
Post by mrob on Feb 24, 2020 6:33:44 GMT
Blind spots cause alcoholics to die. It’s that simple and that dramatic.
It’s also why the most successful treatment programme in the last 80 years focusses on powerlessness, acceptance. and surrender them a structured way of life. It’s far more than the substance.
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Rant
Feb 24, 2020 8:41:40 GMT
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Post by dotdotdot on Feb 24, 2020 8:41:40 GMT
Mine used drugs and had others around who were infatuated with them... Gosh, that appears to be a common thread with this attachment from stuff I've read. I am doing everything it takes, mainly self love affirmations to stay well clear off being drawn back in by my own attachment wounds. How long where you together, what was the sex like? Not the details but did the sex die off after a while? We were not in a relationship. In fact I believe I was only a source of attention and affection at a safe distance. When deactivating or distancing I've been told that their lifestyle is not healthy at the moment and that they couldn't be good enough for me. It sounded like an excuse, but then they continued wanting to be in touch on vague terms. Heh... |
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Rant
Feb 27, 2020 4:08:14 GMT
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Post by throwaway1713 on Feb 27, 2020 4:08:14 GMT
The more I understand about how much Fear is in the fearful avoidant i can truly see how unsustainable the relationship was. I squashed down my need for sex " he new as sensed that in my body". I started to become more detached from him and never acted needed like in the early days. " he new and sensed the change. When I was on a late shift and arrived home tired, he would want me to get straight into bed like in the beginning. I chose to unwind alone with a glass of wine, he was so vigilant and would take it personal, he would constantly ask me was ok, and what's wrong. I would say nothing just relaxing after work but then he wouldn't be able to sleep and would be restless all night. His body broke out in boils so bad I've never seen anything like it. I now realise he new I wasnt getting what I needed, he new he was giving as much as he was able too, his fear became so great he had no choose but go, before he got hurt again. He was so hyper sensitive to any change in my behaviour, I could see panic in his face. Unable to discuss anything in depth he would rather run away than have that conversation, so I stuffed down all my emotions wants and needs for my own fear of him leaving me was so great. So very very sad for all involved. Wow, your ex breaking out in boils reminded me of a time my FA ex broke out in full body hives. He was covered from head to toe. He said it was an allergic reaction, but perhaps it could’ve been psychologically triggered? He suffered so much, his mind was his nemesis at times. Perhaps all the time, I’ll never know because he couldn’t verbalise any of it. I’ll never know his experience during our relationship. I’m a naturally gentle, caring, calming presence in relationships and I got softer and softer with him as he shut down. But for him I think the intimacy was terrifying and he was forced to run. I feel so bad for him, the only thing I would have ever done was loved him deeply and given him whatever freedom he needed. I’m left now to accept the sad reality of what happened to our beautiful relationship. |
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Post by amber on Feb 27, 2020 6:59:00 GMT
The more I understand about how much Fear is in the fearful avoidant i can truly see how unsustainable the relationship was. I squashed down my need for sex " he new as sensed that in my body". I started to become more detached from him and never acted needed like in the early days. " he new and sensed the change. When I was on a late shift and arrived home tired, he would want me to get straight into bed like in the beginning. I chose to unwind alone with a glass of wine, he was so vigilant and would take it personal, he would constantly ask me was ok, and what's wrong. I would say nothing just relaxing after work but then he wouldn't be able to sleep and would be restless all night. His body broke out in boils so bad I've never seen anything like it. I now realise he new I wasnt getting what I needed, he new he was giving as much as he was able too, his fear became so great he had no choose but go, before he got hurt again. He was so hyper sensitive to any change in my behaviour, I could see panic in his face. Unable to discuss anything in depth he would rather run away than have that conversation, so I stuffed down all my emotions wants and needs for my own fear of him leaving me was so great. So very very sad for all involved. Wow, your ex breaking out in boils reminded me of a time my FA ex broke out in full body hives. He was covered from head to toe. He said it was an allergic reaction, but perhaps it could’ve been psychologically triggered? He suffered so much, his mind was his nemesis at times. Perhaps all the time, I’ll never know because he couldn’t verbalise any of it. I’ll never know his experience during our relationship. I’m a naturally gentle, caring, calming presence in relationships and I got softer and softer with him as he shut down. But for him I think the intimacy was terrifying and he was forced to run. I feel so bad for him, the only thing I would have ever done was loved him deeply and given him whatever freedom he needed. I’m left now to accept the sad reality of what happened to our beautiful relationship. Sadly enough, sometimes being calm, soft,gentle, etc, is so unfamiliar to a person who had has an abusive or neglectful past that they can’t recognise it/can’t value it/feels to foreign and weird, so they run for the hills. |
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Post by serenity on Feb 27, 2020 9:00:58 GMT
Wow, your ex breaking out in boils reminded me of a time my FA ex broke out in full body hives. He was covered from head to toe. He said it was an allergic reaction, but perhaps it could’ve been psychologically triggered? He suffered so much, his mind was his nemesis at times. Perhaps all the time, I’ll never know because he couldn’t verbalise any of it. I’ll never know his experience during our relationship. I’m a naturally gentle, caring, calming presence in relationships and I got softer and softer with him as he shut down. But for him I think the intimacy was terrifying and he was forced to run. I feel so bad for him, the only thing I would have ever done was loved him deeply and given him whatever freedom he needed. I’m left now to accept the sad reality of what happened to our beautiful relationship. Sadly enough, sometimes being calm, soft,gentle, etc, is so unfamiliar to a person who had has an abusive or neglectful past that they can’t recognise it/can’t value it/feels to foreign and weird, so they run for the hills. Yeah.,,I think it goes both ways too. People who grow up around trauma get activated by it...it might be why you're attracted to your avoidant guy. But your calmness is unattractive because they are attracted to the same thing...inconsistency, trauma,. They are most likely wanting a traumatizing figure, just as you are. I think the best way forward is to address that attraction within yourself, call it the BS that it is. Teach yourself to love stable guys. |
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