If someone doesn’t cycle, does that mean that person is not

I can only go on my experience and that appears the case. I have heard some dont so I guess it's a grey area. Co morbid my be playing out in the individual also.

So I am assuming the last part of the subject sentence is...."is not FA"?

I am no expert and really have only personal experiences with the only 2 FAs I have ever known-my ex and my very close friend (also male). I don't know what the diagnostic criteria are (i.e. is cycling back REQUIRED) but I can tell you they are both extremely different about cycling back despite both being FA. My ex cycles back to his exes like crazy-he asked his ex wife for the divorce and then begged for her back after several months apart. Typical stuff that you read on here. BUT my close friend, he hardly EVER cycles back despite being an FA. From what I understand from my reading (and it makes intuitive sense), there is a spectrum of attachment ranging from being an extreme dismissive avoidant to an extreme anxious preoccupied. Obviously we all know (in the FA section here) that an FA experiences both of the ends of this range of attachment, but that is also on a spectrum. My ex I assume was just probably more on the anxious side (aka that fear of abandonment is just strong in him)and my friend is more on the DA side.

Now my friend, he is FA as well (always tells me how when someone gets close he just wants to "get away" but utterly craves human connection, had bad childhood trauma, all that), but just lands more on the avoidant side. Someone has to trigger him extremely anxious (like a woman who was way more FA than he was and he has not been able to get over her for FIVE YEARS despite having been together for 9 months). All the other women he sees, once he deactivates and that chill settles in, he is basically done. He may dip his toe in by "liking" something on instagram of theirs, but that's not with all his exes and it's really not a cycle (interestingly, what he DOES do is like really keep up with his exes by checking their instagrams, reading old texts, stuff they would never, ever know about. He will reminisce a LOT but they will never know and this only happens after he is sure they are gone for good).

I think the key to the cycling back (or the being triggered anxious) is how he would describe it as "If I'm afraid someone is going to leave me, it's so horrible.". BUT if he knows the person "wants a relationship" with him, it's just a matter of time before he can't take that anymore and he is out. And for him, he just won't look back. There is a tremendous amount of shame and guilt he carries around about this stuff, so that's a part of why he doesn't go back as well.

So i guess in my experience, my one friend is more on the avoidant side so he will behave more like a DA and my ex is more anxious so he behaves more AP but BOTH sides are there-at least in the beginning before the attachment stuff starts to really kick in. I don't necessarily think that cycling is required but I don't have any qualifications to say so

In my experience, FAs who do cycle do it if they both get triggered anxious (having nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own life) and are lonely. If they have other things or people around to project on when they're anxious and don't need to rely on you as a primary validation source (because they've found other sources), they may not cycle back. This depends on the spectrum already mentioned... how anxious-leaning they are and how narcissistic and/or emotionally immature they are in their need for validation (ie willing to try to get someone's attention they hurt because they feel overwhelmed and disregulated instead of managing their own anxiety alone).

Just because they don't cycle back to you really doesn't say much about their primary attachment style or their emotional stability / ability to be a good partner. It just means they have other coping methods available to relieve anxiety.

Helsbells, exactly... if it was a real change, there wouldn't be "cycling." It would be a real, direct showing up of, here's the work I did to change, this is what I want, I'll do my best to prove to you over and over that I'm a present partner and want a balanced relationship. It wouldn't be a back and forth pattern. I've seen the difference in people who are really trying to change versus just patterned cycling, and you can absolutely tell in how they talk about it and behave if it's real growth or a knee-jerk reaction that will slide back into whatever the prior dynamic was. And I've seen this is the case for all insecure attachment styles when getting more secure, not just FA.

The cycling when seen from a distance is obvious, but remembering how it was to be part of the dance, it felt baffling that a partner could be totally sincere in words of love and in apparently wanting to make a relationship work, whilst the next moment creating distance, semi disappearing etc

I think that's one of the reasons it's difficult to disengage because it just doesn't make sense.


My previous FA partner returned after a year - he'd disappeared because I calmly and politely said I needed more from him, more contact, more consistency. After he returned in a flourish of almost feverish desire to get back together and lots of ILUs - he basically said he wanted what we'd had before - and couldn't see the point of therapy or working on the relationship - that surely it would be fine. Then was baffled that I didn't want to take off where we left. He said many times that he would avoid issues - that he would distract himself rather than face them again and again. I have learnt from this that facing fear and discomfort is the key to healing. It isn't that the fear goes away, but my ability to tolerate it has gradually increased and I feel much more freedom and openness as a result. (I'm avoidant - somewhere between FA and DA depending on the circumstances).

Wow a year! That’s a long time in between cycling. Did you have contact in that time?

For sure. Feeling sorry and anxious about abandonment doesn't mean they won't continue to inflict harm.



Hels, the very first FA I dated after my SO passed away swung very anxious after our break up too. I allowed him to contact me because of his depression and mental health issues, but I didn't have any private in person contact for over a year. I think it probably took me over a year to feel detoxed from the trauma bond I had formed. Even now, I feel he probably could re-seduce me if I was drinking or spent too much time with him, so I keep our friendship mainly about our common interests, and mental health support. He has become a very stable and appreciative friend.



He does try to cycle back at times, and I think its mainly because he's so lonely and unsuccessful with women, and he can idealize my unavailability. I treat him very kindly when he gets like that, but I would never want to have a romantic relationship with him again. Its was one of the most traumatic relationships I'd ever experienced.