aguy
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Post by aguy on Mar 7, 2020 22:33:18 GMT
Amber- I do t know the exact time. But four months will give him time to learn about all of this. Read the stuff here. By then, he may still be hung up, but he’ll understand that it’s futile. It’s a losing game of whack a mole. Assuming she is indeed avoidant. I'm pretty sure she is FA. I know the chances aren't that high, but I don't see how it is futile. |
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Post by dhali on Mar 7, 2020 22:36:47 GMT
Amber- I do t know the exact time. But four months will give him time to learn about all of this. Read the stuff here. By then, he may still be hung up, but he’ll understand that it’s futile. It’s a losing game of whack a mole. Assuming she is indeed avoidant. I'm pretty sure she is FA. I know the chances aren't that high, but I don't see how it is futile. I know you don’t. |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 7, 2020 22:37:06 GMT
Did she say your lack off attention was the reason for the split. Were you un happy because you felt lack and that is why you became distant and didnt show her enough. I honestly felt very much lack in my relationship. That made me pull away and distant myself from him. I think he picked up on that as he new he wasnt able to give me the needs of a fulfilling relationship. He has been cheated on in the past, probably because his partners felt the lack. I think he bolted out of fear of abandonment. She said I wasn't loving enough, and also mentioned my getting mad sometimes, plus she assumed I wouldn't want to have kids (we had never discussed that). She really wanted to spend more time with me the last time I saw her before I went to sleep. Her note made it quite clear that she would miss me. Yes, I think I wasn't more loving with her because she was distant at times, and didn't understand why she was different from my previous girlfriend. I realize now it's because she was FA. I think my ex was afraid of abandonment as well. I should note that I had the flu for the last week of the relationship, and someone not taking that into account may have misjudged things. She was also annoyed at me for having gotten the flu from me. I was thinking of apologizing for that too in the message I might send her, but I don't want to over apologize. I'm sure it made it harder on both of us that we were quite sick when the relationship ended. So...in a healthy relationship, partners give each other grace. There seems to be a lot of “unmet” or “ perceived unmet” expectations listed above as well as anger about something you have no control over (giving her the flu). Chances are she may have had doubts about your relationship much earlier and was looking for reasons to break up with you. Leaving with just a letter is very immature...it gives you no opportunity to share your side, it basically says that since the relationship was not what she wanted, she is entitled to leave. Mature people discuss decisions with their partner, they do not decide to end it and then just leave. I faced a somewhat similar situation where the guy I dated broke up with me after making a decision that our age difference bothered him and that we were on different wavelengths. I remember feeling like the rug had been pulled from under me....he made the decision and there was no discussing it. He kept telling me what a great person I was, how he grew to love me etc. but those words sounded so hollow...like he was trying to soften the blow...and we were at his sister’s house so you can only imagine how horrible it was to try to act like everything was ok. I am learning that what happened is not healthy...it instead reveals insecurity within how he handles relationships. I think it would be really beneficial to stop looking at how you failed her and start looking at how you both failed each other. |
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aguy
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Post by aguy on Mar 7, 2020 22:40:51 GMT
She said I wasn't loving enough, and also mentioned my getting mad sometimes, plus she assumed I wouldn't want to have kids (we had never discussed that). She really wanted to spend more time with me the last time I saw her before I went to sleep. Her note made it quite clear that she would miss me. Yes, I think I wasn't more loving with her because she was distant at times, and didn't understand why she was different from my previous girlfriend. I realize now it's because she was FA. I think my ex was afraid of abandonment as well. I should note that I had the flu for the last week of the relationship, and someone not taking that into account may have misjudged things. She was also annoyed at me for having gotten the flu from me. I was thinking of apologizing for that too in the message I might send her, but I don't want to over apologize. I'm sure it made it harder on both of us that we were quite sick when the relationship ended. So...in a healthy relationship, partners give each other grace. There seems to be a lot of “unmet” or “ perceived unmet” expectations listed above as well as anger about something you have no control over (giving her the flu). Chances are she may have had doubts about your relationship much earlier and was looking for reasons to break up with you. Leaving with just a letter is very immature...it gives you no opportunity to share your side, it basically says that since the relationship was not what she wanted, she is entitled to leave. Mature people discuss decisions with their partner, they do not decide to end it and then just leave. I faced a somewhat similar situation where the guy I dated broke up with me after making a decision that our age difference bothered him and that we were on different wavelengths. I remember feeling like the rug had been pulled from under me....he made the decision and there was no discussing it. He kept telling me what a great person I was, how he grew to love me etc. but those words sounded so hollow...like he was trying to soften the blow...and we were at his sister’s house so you can only imagine how horrible it was to try to act like everything was ok. I am learning that what happened is not healthy...it instead reveals insecurity within how he handles relationships. I think it would be really beneficial to stop looking at how you failed her and start looking at how you both failed each other. Of course she had her failings too, particularly bad communication (of which leaving with just a note is the top example), but I'm not going to put those in the letter because that wouldn't be helpful. One thing is I was probably too critical of her when we were together, so the last thing I should be doing is giving her more criticism now. |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 7, 2020 22:44:01 GMT
So...in a healthy relationship, partners give each other grace. There seems to be a lot of “unmet” or “ perceived unmet” expectations listed above as well as anger about something you have no control over (giving her the flu). Chances are she may have had doubts about your relationship much earlier and was looking for reasons to break up with you. Leaving with just a letter is very immature...it gives you no opportunity to share your side, it basically says that since the relationship was not what she wanted, she is entitled to leave. Mature people discuss decisions with their partner, they do not decide to end it and then just leave. I faced a somewhat similar situation where the guy I dated broke up with me after making a decision that our age difference bothered him and that we were on different wavelengths. I remember feeling like the rug had been pulled from under me....he made the decision and there was no discussing it. He kept telling me what a great person I was, how he grew to love me etc. but those words sounded so hollow...like he was trying to soften the blow...and we were at his sister’s house so you can only imagine how horrible it was to try to act like everything was ok. I am learning that what happened is not healthy...it instead reveals insecurity within how he handles relationships. I think it would be really beneficial to stop looking at how you failed her and start looking at how you both failed each other. Of course she had her failings too, particularly bad communication (of which leaving with just a note is the top example), but I'm not going to put those in the letter because that wouldn't be helpful. One thing is I was probably too critical of her when we were together, so the last thing I should be doing is giving her more criticism now. I was not suggesting you put anything in a letter...I am asking you to take a hard look at both of your behaviors to see if this is truly a good fit.....but I am reading that your mind is made up so I will gently step away from this post. |
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Post by serenity on Mar 7, 2020 22:58:15 GMT
It's pretty clear she has FA once I read about it. It was mostly that I didn't show her that she was appreciated. Also I would get mad at her. Also our communication wasn't very good. I know I can do a better job with those if we got back together. My question is if I want to get back together would I would be better off sending a detailed message about how I'm sorry and miss her, or just some light-hearted message. I assume that indefinite no contact doesn't work well with a FA who felt neglected. Do you think you may be a little avoidant/FA yourself at all? ie. More avoidant in the relationship, and more anxious when you feel abandoned? Its hard to really comment, as her FA attachment style could have come about because of what she perceived as abuse and neglect over 6 years. Or your behavior may have come about because of stress due to her distancing strategies. I'm pro making amends when I think I've done someone wrong, without expectations. But in your situation, I'd take a little more time to reflect and properly grieve. Read the forums, do an attachment style test. The more insight you can gain, the clearer your direction will be. |
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aguy
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Post by aguy on Mar 7, 2020 23:03:35 GMT
It's pretty clear she has FA once I read about it. It was mostly that I didn't show her that she was appreciated. Also I would get mad at her. Also our communication wasn't very good. I know I can do a better job with those if we got back together. My question is if I want to get back together would I would be better off sending a detailed message about how I'm sorry and miss her, or just some light-hearted message. I assume that indefinite no contact doesn't work well with a FA who felt neglected. Do you think you may be a little avoidant/FA yourself at all? ie. More avoidant in the relationship, and more anxious when you feel abandoned? Its hard to really comment, as her FA attachment style could have come about because of what she perceived as abuse and neglect over 6 years. Or your behavior may have come about because of stress due to her distancing strategies. I'm pro making amends when I think I've done someone wrong, without expectations. But in your situation, I'd take a little more time to reflect and properly grieve. Read the forums, do an attachment style test. The more insight you can gain, the clearer your direction will be. She was always FA, even from the start. I think it came from how her parents treated her. I don't think I'm normally avoidant or FA, but maybe I was a little in the relationship. I think I'm anxious when single and more secure in a relationship. |
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Post by dhali on Mar 7, 2020 23:05:52 GMT
I’ll add that those attachment style tests are not something I trust. Too much projection of what you want to believe, or how you see things.
I think it’s as simple as when/who you have anxiety with and or engulfment. And critically assess all your past relationships. It took me months to realize how fa I am. My tests come back pretty secure, slightly anxious. That’s not accurate.
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Post by annieb on Mar 9, 2020 17:03:27 GMT
I am a former FA, and a detailed well thought letter of how you would improve the relationship would do wonders for me, but if she tried and tried and it had been her last straw, it's doubtful she would be coming back. I think do not wait much longer with this letter. But if there is any doubt in your mind that you could hold up your end of the bargain, you should forever hold your peace.
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aguy
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Post by aguy on Mar 11, 2020 23:46:01 GMT
I am a former FA, and a detailed well thought letter of how you would improve the relationship would do wonders for me, but if she tried and tried and it had been her last straw, it's doubtful she would be coming back. I think do not wait much longer with this letter. But if there is any doubt in your mind that you could hold up your end of the bargain, you should forever hold your peace. I should have listened better to some things she had said when we were together, but I'm not sure I would really say she tried and tried. The last straw seemed to be that I got her sick, which should be a pretty forgivable thing, I would think. I did send a letter apologizing and saying that I miss her. I didn't word it as if I expect a response. For now I am trying to get over her, and won't try initiating contact with her in a while. I am sure that if we got back together I could do a better job on my part. If I don't hear from her and I decide to try contacting her again in 1-3 months, do you think it would be better to have a detailed message about what I would I do to improve the relationship, or just a simple light-hearted message? I did sort of address some of what I would do to improve the relationship in my apology, but I did it more in the context of an apology, and there are other things I could say about what I'd do differently. But maybe a light-hearted message would be better for breaking the ice. |
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Post by nyc718 on Mar 12, 2020 0:28:56 GMT
I am a former FA, and a detailed well thought letter of how you would improve the relationship would do wonders for me, but if she tried and tried and it had been her last straw, it's doubtful she would be coming back. I think do not wait much longer with this letter. But if there is any doubt in your mind that you could hold up your end of the bargain, you should forever hold your peace. I should have listened better to some things she had said when we were together, but I'm not sure I would really say she tried and tried. The last straw seemed to be that I got her sick, which should be a pretty forgivable thing, I would think. I did send a letter apologizing and saying that I miss her. I didn't word it as if I expect a response. For now I am trying to get over her, and won't try initiating contact with her in a while. I am sure that if we got back together I could do a better job on my part. If I don't hear from her and I decide to try contacting her again in 1-3 months, do you think it would be better to have a detailed message about what I would I do to improve the relationship, or just a simple light-hearted message? I did sort of address some of what I would do to improve the relationship in my apology, but I did it more in the context of an apology, and there are other things I could say about what I'd do differently. As someone who has left relationships because I felt like my needs weren't being met, this is what I would want to hear: I want to hear sorry, and I wan't to hear what you're sorry for i.e. what are you taking accountability for, not just a general sorry. I want to know what you would change and why you would change that i.e. I wasn't a good listener and I realize that means a lot to you. If listening to you is what you need, I can do that. I would want to hear what it is about me that is meaningful and important to you, and why you want that in your life. Basically, when I leave, I've usually done all I could to get through to you (I've heard plenty of, I was so blindsided by the breakup. No, you just weren't paying attention to me) then you'd better come big. And the window of opportunity only lasts so long. If you don't try sooner than later, then by a certain time, I give up and will never go back. I say if you sincerely want her back and are sincere in changing (and you should both be working on better communication if you do get back together so you don't fall back into old patterns) then don't wait. The longer you wait, the more she will potentially get over you and move away from being the same person who considered being with you. I personally never went back to an old BF, but a big reason was they waited way too long to try to get me back. By then, they were off my radar. Then again, I wouldn't say I was FA, so this is just my opinion. Also, I get the feeling that her saying she was sick is not the real reason. To me that sounds like an excuse she was giving because she basically gave up since you weren't listening in the first place. Again, just my opinion. |
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Post by amber on Mar 12, 2020 0:48:17 GMT
I should have listened better to some things she had said when we were together, but I'm not sure I would really say she tried and tried. The last straw seemed to be that I got her sick, which should be a pretty forgivable thing, I would think. I did send a letter apologizing and saying that I miss her. I didn't word it as if I expect a response. For now I am trying to get over her, and won't try initiating contact with her in a while. I am sure that if we got back together I could do a better job on my part. If I don't hear from her and I decide to try contacting her again in 1-3 months, do you think it would be better to have a detailed message about what I would I do to improve the relationship, or just a simple light-hearted message? I did sort of address some of what I would do to improve the relationship in my apology, but I did it more in the context of an apology, and there are other things I could say about what I'd do differently. As someone who has left relationships because I felt like my needs weren't being met, this is what I would want to hear: I want to hear sorry, and I wan't to hear what you're sorry for i.e. what are you taking accountability for, not just a general sorry. I want to know what you would change and why you would change that i.e. I wasn't a good listener and I realize that means a lot to you. If listening to you is what you need, I can do that. I would want to hear what it is about me that is meaningful and important to you, and why you want that in your life. Basically, when I leave, I've usually done all I could to get through to you (I've heard plenty of, I was so blindsided by the breakup. No, you just weren't paying attention to me) then you'd better come big. And the window of opportunity only lasts so long. If you don't try sooner than later, then by a certain time, I give up and will never go back. I say if you sincerely want her back and are sincere in changing (and you should both be working on better communication if you do get back together so you don't fall back into old patterns) then don't wait. The longer you wait, the more she will potentially get over you and move away from being the same person who considered being with you. I personally never went back to an old BF, but a big reason was they waited way too long to try to get me back. By then, they were off my radar. Then again, I wouldn't say I was FA, so this is just my opinion. Also, I get the feeling that her saying she was sick is not the real reason. To me that sounds like an excuse she was giving because she basically gave up since you weren't listening in the first place. Again, just my opinion. If the ex is FA though, there could be other reasons for leaving the r/ship and not wanting to get back, rather than just the OP’s behaviour? If FA flee r/ships and are deactivating, there’s likely nothing you can do to get them Back |
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aguy
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Post by aguy on Mar 12, 2020 0:52:35 GMT
I should have listened better to some things she had said when we were together, but I'm not sure I would really say she tried and tried. The last straw seemed to be that I got her sick, which should be a pretty forgivable thing, I would think. I did send a letter apologizing and saying that I miss her. I didn't word it as if I expect a response. For now I am trying to get over her, and won't try initiating contact with her in a while. I am sure that if we got back together I could do a better job on my part. If I don't hear from her and I decide to try contacting her again in 1-3 months, do you think it would be better to have a detailed message about what I would I do to improve the relationship, or just a simple light-hearted message? I did sort of address some of what I would do to improve the relationship in my apology, but I did it more in the context of an apology, and there are other things I could say about what I'd do differently. As someone who has left relationships because I felt like my needs weren't being met, this is what I would want to hear: I want to hear sorry, and I wan't to hear what you're sorry for i.e. what are you taking accountability for, not just a general sorry. I want to know what you would change and why you would change that i.e. I wasn't a good listener and I realize that means a lot to you. If listening to you is what you need, I can do that. I would want to hear what it is about me that is meaningful and important to you, and why you want that in your life. Basically, when I leave, I've usually done all I could to get through to you (I've heard plenty of, I was so blindsided by the breakup. No, you just weren't paying attention to me) then you'd better come big. And the window of opportunity only lasts so long. If you don't try sooner than later, then by a certain time, I give up and will never go back. I say if you sincerely want her back and are sincere in changing (and you should both be working on better communication if you do get back together so you don't fall back into old patterns) then don't wait. The longer you wait, the more she will potentially get over you and move away from being the same person who considered being with you. I personally never went back to an old BF, but a big reason was they waited way too long to try to get me back. By then, they were off my radar. Then again, I wouldn't say I was FA, so this is just my opinion. Also, I get the feeling that her saying she was sick is not the real reason. To me that sounds like an excuse she was giving because she basically gave up since you weren't listening in the first place. Again, just my opinion. I did say I should listened and communicated better in the letter I sent, but I didn't say much about that, and I'm sure I could expand on that. What sort of a window of opportunity are we talking about here? This is a little more than 2 months since a 6 year relationship of living together ended and my letter of apology and saying I miss her that I just sent was the first time I contacted her since we were together. And that includes the breakup since she just left a letter. Actually she didn't give being sick as a reason to leave. But we were both quite sick when she left, so that was just the timing, and she had mentioned a few days before that she was annoyed that I had gotten her sick. I know I wasn't treating her as well because I was sick and tired. |
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Post by annieb on Mar 12, 2020 16:47:58 GMT
I am a former FA, and a detailed well thought letter of how you would improve the relationship would do wonders for me, but if she tried and tried and it had been her last straw, it's doubtful she would be coming back. I think do not wait much longer with this letter. But if there is any doubt in your mind that you could hold up your end of the bargain, you should forever hold your peace. I should have listened better to some things she had said when we were together, but I'm not sure I would really say she tried and tried. The last straw seemed to be that I got her sick, which should be a pretty forgivable thing, I would think. I did send a letter apologizing and saying that I miss her. I didn't word it as if I expect a response. For now I am trying to get over her, and won't try initiating contact with her in a while. I am sure that if we got back together I could do a better job on my part. If I don't hear from her and I decide to try contacting her again in 1-3 months, do you think it would be better to have a detailed message about what I would I do to improve the relationship, or just a simple light-hearted message? I did sort of address some of what I would do to improve the relationship in my apology, but I did it more in the context of an apology, and there are other things I could say about what I'd do differently. But maybe a light-hearted message would be better for breaking the ice. I would not wait much longer and contact her now, I would not be light hearted, because that would be mocking the seriousness of this. But I get a sense you are not very secure and that maybe some f your self preservation behaviors are sabotaging the possible best outcome. In that case I would really articulate to myself why I want her back (not because she left and you feel abandoned), but really the list of why you want her back and how I would change myself to be better. Offer to go to couples counselling etc. Be the man so to speak, take charge of how you will improve the relationship. No light hearted texts three months from now. Don't be chicken. |
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Post by annieb on Mar 12, 2020 16:49:05 GMT
Sorry, I still don't know how to use this forum properly.
Here is my response.
I would not wait much longer and contact her now, I would not be light hearted, because that would be mocking the seriousness of this. But I get a sense you are not very secure and that maybe some f your self preservation behaviors are sabotaging the possible best outcome. In that case I would really articulate to myself why I want her back (not because she left and you feel abandoned), but really the list of why you want her back and how I would change myself to be better. Offer to go to couples counselling etc. Be the man so to speak, take charge of how you will improve the relationship. No light hearted texts three months from now. Don't be chicken.
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