Think the FA pattern clicked for me

I agree its the anxiety of Intermittent reinforcement....not knowing when your needs for love, attention, and time together will be met. Sometimes your bids are accepted, but unpredictably. This arouses feelings of desperation and anxiety surrounding having your needs met..in MOST people. There's a lot of scientific information about this, and its not an `AP' thing...its ``limbic anxiety'', like a fundamental reaction in both humans and animals to these circumstances.

The way to reduce the anxiety within the relationship is to ask for consistency. A regular date night. Responses to your messages. This actually causes an anxious partner to relax and be more comfortable with space, rather than cause smothering.

Getting an avoidant partner to agree to consistency is another issue, lol. 

Yep same.  Really awesome times when we were together...but then it would be me texting him to say hi and him not responding for hours/days.  And then it was him having other plans/work that prevented him from coming over...to some degree it was legitimate....and I was convinced it was my problem...that I was expecting too much and not really appreciating what time he did give me...but it did feel so much like he was pulling away, not just that he was taking care of himself.

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Totally! I’d rather someone be honest about what they can and can’t or arnt willing to give instead of making empty agreements they can’t keep. Way more damaging to a r/ship where you don’t follow through with something you said you would, especially if you know how important it is to the other person

Same with the “ being more chill”....I really thought if I was just more chill, it would have changed the dynamic.

Who wants to be in a r/ship where they have to be chill all the time? How’s that going to bode long term? For me the most important thing is to be myself. If you feel you have to alter yourself it’s not sustainable long term. We all have emotions and get antsy, worked up etc at times. the men I’ve been with that appeared “chill” all the time were shut down, numbed out, and emotionally disconnected.

I have to agree. If you can't be yourself in a relationship, is it even a real relationship? If you are constantly having to monitor your words or actions, the question should be WHY do I have to do this?? Two people who care about each other and are able to be vulnerable and respect each other, and each take responsibility for their own growth, and accountability to the other, that's what I am looking for, and I'm not going to settle for less. If I can't be real and he can't be real, then I don't want it. 

I had written about a friend of mine whose FA bf had been doing the back and forth with her, breaking up with her to then call her WITHIN an hour to backtrack, and she finally said enough. Well, they are back on track, he is definitely making an effort.

She went away to Europe after the last "breakup" and she said that's exactly what she needed, time and physical space away. He called her the entire time, and when she came back they talked, and she said they cannot keep on that same pattern. They have been working out a new dynamic, and when they fall into old patterns, she calmly tells him, I am feeling triggered, I don't know if it's because of this or that, but it's how I'm feeling. And he has been asking her if it's because of him or whatever situation may be going on, and they have been working together on both their triggers.

I find it very hopeful. I think he's much more aware than any of my ex FAs, so he's got a leg up in that way, but I admire the fact that she put her foot down and was articulate about exactly what was wrong and why, and how it was making her feel.

I know not everyone will respond as well, but it worked for her, and it looks like they care about each other enough to work on the relationship, as challenging as it is. Some things are worth the effort.