Post by seeking on Mar 15, 2020 2:29:20 GMT
I don't necessarily *care*. But I am somehow curious at the relationship my ex is in. Once I put the pieces together about him being severely avoidant (and I'm new to to this so I don't know the *type* of avoidant) and then covert narc, it was like the mystery and bizarre world I lived in for years with him made sense. It took me a long time to accept it (that was another story) but I will admit to *relief* after he got another woman pregnant, and knew it would be his last "hoover" (coming back when we'd been long separated, and least expecting it). We have a child together. He has a new child with this woman.
Her mom left when she was young. I found out b/c I was trying to ease a situation where my daughter did not want to go to their house and felt very abandoned by her dad and was having major behavioral fall out (basically, I had immediately accepted this new woman, the situation b/c I knew, long term, that would be the best thing). I was met with immediate hostility and told how rough she had it and that at least my daughter had A PARENT in her life. Her husband died of cancer, and don't anyone try to tell her horror. She'd seen it all.
So there was that. She was a fierce defender of my ex. Even though I saw right through him using her. She had this money from the death of her husband, and he saw an opportunity.
So he "got fired" somehow from his corporate job and got part of his thyroid removed (he was fine after) and found a million excuses (even though none of them actually qualified him for actual disability and then stopped paying child support. Of course - his dream come true.
And this woman not only supported him in that, she (I believe) was the force behind the ugly court case we are still in (1 year later). It's out of court at this point, but during it, not only did he try to make me out to be a crazy person and have Maunchassen-by-proxy, they called CPS on me, and then when my lawyer addressed it with his lawyer, I got a text asking me what the "ef" happened. (Um, he called? The CPS worker even told me it was him when he found out my daughter and I were in DV counseling). Then they tried to depose me and asked me for all my passwords to social media (the judge put a kibosh on that, thankfully) then I was getting hack ins - to my former match . com site, to my instagram. Etc. It went on.
Even though I'm paying for our daughter's private school and our daughter has autism, they told me I made it up. (She has the medical records). They subpoenaed all her doctors (They have access to her records) and created 30k in legal expense *drama* and I still don't get support or contributions to expenses and we've gotten nowhere.
So this guy is now a stay-at-home dad. The girlfriend pays for everything and gives him money.
My ex was such a nightmare - sometimes not coming home at night, "disappearing" regularly, withholding money when I was a SAHM, closing our bank account suddenly, threatening me, zero communication, gas-lighting. Then after our first separation "forgetting" to pay child support (so another court case).
How do two people like this who acted (together) so abusively toward as single mom (me) who was nothing but nice to them and raising a child with (albeit mild) autism do that to another person? How do they stay together? Its been 3 years now. Everyone said it wouldn't last. Are they trauma bonded?
Again, not that I want to sink anymore energy into *them*. But I'm trying to just understand it on a conceptual level.
Her mom left when she was young. I found out b/c I was trying to ease a situation where my daughter did not want to go to their house and felt very abandoned by her dad and was having major behavioral fall out (basically, I had immediately accepted this new woman, the situation b/c I knew, long term, that would be the best thing). I was met with immediate hostility and told how rough she had it and that at least my daughter had A PARENT in her life. Her husband died of cancer, and don't anyone try to tell her horror. She'd seen it all.
So there was that. She was a fierce defender of my ex. Even though I saw right through him using her. She had this money from the death of her husband, and he saw an opportunity.
So he "got fired" somehow from his corporate job and got part of his thyroid removed (he was fine after) and found a million excuses (even though none of them actually qualified him for actual disability and then stopped paying child support. Of course - his dream come true.
And this woman not only supported him in that, she (I believe) was the force behind the ugly court case we are still in (1 year later). It's out of court at this point, but during it, not only did he try to make me out to be a crazy person and have Maunchassen-by-proxy, they called CPS on me, and then when my lawyer addressed it with his lawyer, I got a text asking me what the "ef" happened. (Um, he called? The CPS worker even told me it was him when he found out my daughter and I were in DV counseling). Then they tried to depose me and asked me for all my passwords to social media (the judge put a kibosh on that, thankfully) then I was getting hack ins - to my former match . com site, to my instagram. Etc. It went on.
Even though I'm paying for our daughter's private school and our daughter has autism, they told me I made it up. (She has the medical records). They subpoenaed all her doctors (They have access to her records) and created 30k in legal expense *drama* and I still don't get support or contributions to expenses and we've gotten nowhere.
So this guy is now a stay-at-home dad. The girlfriend pays for everything and gives him money.
My ex was such a nightmare - sometimes not coming home at night, "disappearing" regularly, withholding money when I was a SAHM, closing our bank account suddenly, threatening me, zero communication, gas-lighting. Then after our first separation "forgetting" to pay child support (so another court case).
How do two people like this who acted (together) so abusively toward as single mom (me) who was nothing but nice to them and raising a child with (albeit mild) autism do that to another person? How do they stay together? Its been 3 years now. Everyone said it wouldn't last. Are they trauma bonded?
Again, not that I want to sink anymore energy into *them*. But I'm trying to just understand it on a conceptual level.
I remember the first (and only) time I dated a psychopath, and the shock of it was profound. How could someone have zero love in their heart? I could never understand it, and I suppose someone with a lot of empathy never could. The best answer I could come up with myself, is that people with such low-empathy operate in a world of power dynamics and one-upmanship. Love and mutual benefit doesn't come into it.