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Post by BecomingMe on Mar 17, 2020 3:20:09 GMT
I am an FA who is pretty secure with her friendships. Most of my friends are women and they have a much deeper sense of empathy than I do. Except for one friend who is quite dismissive in relationships and has very strict rules about what should and should not happen. I recently got in touch with my DA ex and hadn't told her about it. It was a combination of knowing her judgement would be harsh and also to try and manage my own fears of abandonment and rejection. Also, my FA tendencies of cycling back.
Things came to a head last weekend when my DA ex didn't reply to my texts for two days. I've had a general handle on this type of behavior of his, but that day I was extremely triggered and reached out to my DA friend for support. As expected her reaction was harsh and almost shaming( she said something like "how are you getting validation from the few texts he sends you" ). I think at some level she was also angry that I had not told her this all this while.
I know she means well and she's always been in my corner but I think her way of making me see sense has pushed me away. I understand she might come from her own sense of anger at failed relationships and trying to save me from making bad decisions but it hurt like hell hearing her say some of the things. Have other FAs experienced something like this where your friends have been harsher than you expected? Or their behaviour has made you distance yourself from them.
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Post by serenity on Mar 17, 2020 3:58:52 GMT
I guess I am wondering why you reached out to a DA and not one of your empathetic friends for the support you needed? Its likely your DA friend treats romantic partners as dismissively as your ex does you, so if she was shaming you, its probably because she felt triggered or indirectly criticized.
I'd just put whatever she said down to her attachment style, and not go to her for empathetic support. Pick someone better equipped for that?
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Post by BecomingMe on Mar 17, 2020 5:16:17 GMT
I'm not sure if she was triggered or not serenity, but it definitely brings up her harshest voice. She is generally a very loving and understanding (secure-ish) person with her friends. I guess my initial hesitation in confiding in her was due to this fear. And you're right. I think my more empathetic friends might hold better space for me when I'm already dealing with my own pain. |
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Post by serenity on Mar 17, 2020 8:04:57 GMT
I can understand. Are you doing okay?
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Post by BecomingMe on Mar 17, 2020 10:58:43 GMT
I can understand. Are you doing okay? Yes serenity, thank you so much for asking. I am slowly letting go of the idea that people are only judging me when they say certain things. A lot of it could also be their burdens  a big step in healing my inner child who was shamed on a regular basis. |
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Post by serenity on Mar 17, 2020 21:45:31 GMT
I can understand. Are you doing okay? Yes serenity , thank you so much for asking. I am slowly letting go of the idea that people are only judging me when they say certain things. A lot of it could also be their burdens a big step in healing my inner child who was shamed on a regular basis. Its hard, too, coming out of a traumatic relationship and hearing certain things... Like you` should be over it already',` whats wrong with you?' `You picked him'... type comments. Trauma bonds take a long time to break, much longer than when there's a normal relationship breakup. I don't think everyone understands, unfortunately. Please stay well <3 |
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Post by BecomingMe on Mar 18, 2020 10:01:42 GMT
I learned the hard way that some friends just can’t be supportive in certain situations. Especially about complex relations. I learned by getting burned, feeling shamed, etc, time and time again. I think this can happen to anyone but APs and FAs are more likely to take this hard, and I’m AP. I guess thinking about it now, it relates back to attachment styles / life experiences that led them to be this way. I would try your best to remember this and there are others that can offer more understanding and empathy. Your friend is certainly just in your corner and doesn’t want to see you get hurt, but can’t always or at all give you the kind of support you need or are looking for. This is true. She's been an absolute rock in so many areas of my life but romantic relationships and anyone's failings make her see red. While I love her from the bottom of my heart, I've accepted that at times it is difficult for her to be empathetic. Thank so much for your kind words. |
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Post by BecomingMe on Mar 18, 2020 10:12:01 GMT
Its hard, too, coming out of a traumatic relationship and hearing certain things... Like you` should be over it already',` whats wrong with you?' `You picked him'... type comments. Trauma bonds take a long time to break, much longer than when there's a normal relationship breakup. I don't think everyone understands, unfortunately. Please stay well <3[/quote] This was exactly what happened serenity. I felt this intense shame wash over me when I heard her speak. And I had to step away and ask myself are my actions terrible or am I seeing them in this awful light because of everything I just heard. And I realised another friends would have been gentler and let me have that moment to find my ground rather than judge. I respectfully told her this as well - that while I know she means well, her words were harsh and that I'd need some time to reach out to her. She thankfully understood. Thank you for your empthay and kindness |
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a big step in healing my inner child who was shamed on a regular basis.