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Post by Helsbells on Mar 26, 2020 16:20:46 GMT
Hi guys, just need to off load here so sorry.
So my ex FA partner over the last two years came back 2 weeks ago on heavy pursuit. Telling me how he missed me so much and not a minute of any day goes by where he doesn't miss me or think about me.
He told me his reason for leaving was because he always felt I didnt listen to him and talked over him.
I just cant accept that as the real reason, because it isnt true.
We were talking back and fourth.
He wanted to come back to me so desperately but as soon as I told him what I need from the relationship ie security and to meet his friends and family and do couple things, he blew me off. He told me he really needs to think about things and has gone cold ever since. He has gone from texting daily to nothing. I'm glad I said my piece but still so miffed how he was so full on for months and appeared to really miss me. Sent gifts to me and more. Is it really so hard for these people to feel any kind off responsibility, how can you flip the switch so easily. Dont get me wrong I'm so glad I called him out but just so shocked at the sudden turn around. I certainly dont want anything to do with a man like this, but still really shocked by his behaviour. He has almost stalked me until I confessed my needs.
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Post by alexandra on Mar 26, 2020 19:40:27 GMT
Helsbells, I'm sorry the continued dance has been painful and stressful for you, but way to go stating your needs and boundaries! If he'd actually changed at all, you having needs wouldn't cause him to shut down, so this at least shows you all you needed to know about where he's at. I'm sure he does care about you and is overwhelmed because he has no idea how to take responsibility for his own emotions. He lacks healthy coping mechanisms and boundaries, which you already know from your long history. But more importantly, you know that makes him a terrible partner for you, because you are trying to work on yourself, grow, improve your life. You're not at the same stage in your process, and you're trying to move forward while he's looping in circles, so you're getting further apart. He's not intentionally trying to go hot and cold and upset and hurt you, and I'm sure his side of things has some validity to it, but things can't truly improve if one person is so incredibly stuck. You're doing all the right things, and you should feel good about the emotional strength you're showing yourself that you have.
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Post by dhali on Mar 26, 2020 20:10:37 GMT
Nice job helsbells. That’s not easy. I’m sorry this person is yanking your emotional chain.
Alexandra- your insight and advice is always spot on.
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Post by Helsbells on Mar 26, 2020 20:27:49 GMT
Gosh guys, thank you and definitely yanking on my emotions to some extent. You all know who have followed my story how much I loved this man, he was the one to always deactivate and leave me. It was never what I wanted as all I wanted was a secure relationship with this man. I am really proud off how far I have come on my own journey. I have been on 4 dates with different guys but not really what I'm looking for, or maybe I'm just not ready. It's been lovely to have lots of attention but somehow leaves me missing my ex in a strange way, so being aware off those triggers now I'm putting the reins on that. He actually told me he hasnt changed and is still the guy he was when he left and hoped we could just carry on where we left off and he was so sorry for hurting me and leaving me.
He even asked me to give it a trial off 2/3 weeks and if I wasnt happy he would leave. It's taken all my strenght to stay away and not go there, but my heart still hurts so badly for him.
Thank you both for your replies they really help me stay on track x
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Post by dhali on Mar 26, 2020 20:46:16 GMT
I know it’s easy from a distance like I am, but fuck that shit. The request is an absurd one. And with no regard for you.
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Post by Helsbells on Mar 26, 2020 22:18:03 GMT
"He actually told me he hasnt changed and is still the guy he was when he left and hoped we could just carry on where we left off and he was so sorry for hurting me and leaving me." I agree with dhali , that's bs. I don't need to tell you how selfish that is on his part, as you know. If he isn't willing to change and can blatantly admit that, why should you be willing to keep getting hurt? To me there's a big difference in being unaware, aware, and unwilling — and you deserve someone who is willing to work to change to not hurt you. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Good for you for standing up for yourself and what you deserve. I know it isn't easy, but it's really good you're looking out for your own well being. We're here to support you. Thank you caroline yes he actually said those words to me. I felt very disrespected, on the one hand, hes telling me never a second goes bye when I'm not in his thoughts and literally blows me off when I tell him what i need from a relationship. It felt like he was only willing to have a relationship with me purely on his terms and if things just carried on like before. The day before he went cold on me he sent me 5 voice mails off longing and missing and 6 videos off our favourite songs that he knows would have effected me. Then we have the conversation about me saying I cant keep going thru him just suddenly leaving me again. And what I need from a relationship and puff, hes gone all distant and cold again. I am ok thank god, but it does shake me all up again as I still have a lot off feelings for him. Thanks again for your support it really is appreciated xx |
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Post by Helsbells on Mar 26, 2020 22:21:15 GMT
I know it’s easy from a distance like I am, but fuck that shit. The request is an absurd one. And with no regard for you. , it is such fucking shit, this is a 47 year old man believe it or not 🥴 |
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Post by dhali on Mar 27, 2020 1:59:13 GMT
I hope that puts him in his proper place in your mind.
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Post by Helsbells on Mar 27, 2020 19:13:00 GMT
I hope that puts him in his proper place in your mind. [br Yes it really does. Enough is enough. I dont wish him any harm at all but I know when I'm done, and I'm done done xx |
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Post by serenity on Mar 28, 2020 19:41:12 GMT
Hi guys, just need to off load here so sorry. So my ex FA partner over the last two years came back 2 weeks ago on heavy pursuit. Telling me how he missed me so much and not a minute of any day goes by where he doesn't miss me or think about me. He told me his reason for leaving was because he always felt I didnt listen to him and talked over him. I just cant accept that as the real reason, because it isnt true. We were talking back and fourth. He wanted to come back to me so desperately but as soon as I told him what I need from the relationship ie security and to meet his friends and family and do couple things, he blew me off. He told me he really needs to think about things and has gone cold ever since. He has gone from texting daily to nothing. I'm glad I said my piece but still so miffed how he was so full on for months and appeared to really miss me. Sent gifts to me and more. Is it really so hard for these people to feel any kind off responsibility, how can you flip the switch so easily. Dont get me wrong I'm so glad I called him out but just so shocked at the sudden turn around. I certainly dont want anything to do with a man like this, but still really shocked by his behaviour. He has almost stalked me until I confessed my needs. Hugs Hels <3 I'm proud of you for stating your needs and resisting jumping back in without discussion or setting any terms. With the kind of things he was saying and doing, I can imagine how much strength that took . The shock of being suddenly ignored and blown off after all that courting on his part would have anyone reeling  I look at these attachments as trauma bonds, in part, and they take a good while to break. This recent behaviour - the intense courtship followed by sudden stonewalling, would likely have retraumatised you, I think. If I may make a suggestion, try to do a little bit of googling about recovery from trauma bonds, and see if it helps any? I find it helpful when my exes try to cycle back and I feel myself weakening in any way. Sending you love!! <3 |
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Post by number9 on Mar 28, 2020 21:48:29 GMT
I know it’s easy from a distance like I am, but fuck that shit. The request is an absurd one. And with no regard for you. "Fuck that shit" could be an anthem for so many things on here! #FTS -- any bored rappers on here want to do something with that?! I'll send you a beat! haha It's like Dan Savage's DTMFA "dump the motherfucker already" -- but of course, if we're aiming for compassion, we might not want to call them that! Hang in there Helsbells! <3 - are you still thinking about the boat life? xo |
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Post by Helsbells on Mar 28, 2020 21:51:39 GMT
Hi guys, just need to off load here so sorry. So my ex FA partner over the last two years came back 2 weeks ago on heavy pursuit. Telling me how he missed me so much and not a minute of any day goes by where he doesn't miss me or think about me. He told me his reason for leaving was because he always felt I didnt listen to him and talked over him. I just cant accept that as the real reason, because it isnt true. We were talking back and fourth. He wanted to come back to me so desperately but as soon as I told him what I need from the relationship ie security and to meet his friends and family and do couple things, he blew me off. He told me he really needs to think about things and has gone cold ever since. He has gone from texting daily to nothing. I'm glad I said my piece but still so miffed how he was so full on for months and appeared to really miss me. Sent gifts to me and more. Is it really so hard for these people to feel any kind off responsibility, how can you flip the switch so easily. Dont get me wrong I'm so glad I called him out but just so shocked at the sudden turn around. I certainly dont want anything to do with a man like this, but still really shocked by his behaviour. He has almost stalked me until I confessed my needs. Hugs Hels <3 I'm proud of you for stating your needs and resisting jumping back in without discussion or setting any terms. With the kind of things he was saying and doing, I can imagine how much strength that took . The shock of being suddenly ignored and blown off after all that courting on his part would have anyone reeling I look at these attachments as trauma bonds, in part, and they take a good while to break. This recent behaviour - the intense courtship followed by sudden stonewalling, would likely have retraumatised you, I think. If I may make a suggestion, try to do a little bit of googling about recovery from trauma bonds, and see if it helps any? I find it helpful when my exes try to cycle back and I feel myself weakening in any way. Sending you love!! <3 , it definitely set me back on my healing journey and for sure triggered some past traumas especially my abandonment ones. I am just so glad for people like yourself and others on this for forum for all the support you all give so freely. I probably would have weakened at his love bombing and gone back there for another round without you all and love knowledge and love you share, I truly cant tell you all how grateful I am. I bought the pete walker book but haven't got into reading it yet as I have several novels on the go. Do you think that covers trauma bonding or should I go onto YouTube to find out more. I know my ex is really hurting and I know he hoped I would just accept him back and we could just carry on as before. I truly cant just carry on as before, no matter how much I love and miss him, in hope that things would suddenly like magic change and we live happily ever after. I know you also had to make that decision in the passed yourself. It truly is heartbreaking but acceptence of the reality of the relationship is the only way to move on and hopefully find a healthy secure person to grow and have a future together. I hope all is well with you lovely and your family are all safe and well 😘❤ |
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Post by Helsbells on Mar 28, 2020 21:59:12 GMT
I know it’s easy from a distance like I am, but fuck that shit. The request is an absurd one. And with no regard for you. "Fuck that shit" could be an anthem for so many things on here! #FTS -- any bored rappers on here want to do something with that?! I'll send you a beat! haha It's like Dan Savage's DTMFA "dump the motherfucker already" -- but of course, if we're aiming for compassion, we might not want to call them that! Hang in there Helsbells! <3 - are you still thinking about the boat life? xo 🤣🤣🤭🤭 I love abit off FTS and dhali says so poignantly. Oh yes still thinking off buying a boat. When all the virus issues have calmed down, and we are free to roam again, I am going to spend a few days crewing my mates boat so really cant wait for that. Hows things with you number9 hope your keeping well xx |
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