Post by nyc718 on Mar 29, 2020 20:36:22 GMT
Just wanted to share an update in hopes it inspires - I had touched somewhere on one of these posts about a friend whose bf had broken up with her several times, only to come back to her, then give her mixed messages, etc.
The last breakup was the typical "I can't give you what you need/I'm busy with work/ I have too much going on/you deserve better/yada yada yada. She tearfully accepted that this was finally ending (they had gone through the textbook steps of an FA relationship, and he had started to deactivate/cycle back/ rinse repeat) It was emotional for her as expected and she was extremely sad, as she had hoped things could go back to where they had been in the beginning.
As she was on the phone with me afterwards telling me all that had transpired, he was texting her that he wanted to let her know he loved her ,he missed her, just all this contradictory stuff when he had just told her he needed to break up with her! He ended up calling not even an hour later, and she said ENOUGH, called him out on everything he said and did, and said he needed to stop it all right now because he is hurting her with all this jerking around, and that it was not fair and she deserved better respect for her feelings. He agreed. He acknowledged it all, he had no choice.
Over the next few days, she said ok, let's take a step back; you work on yourself, I'm going to work on myself. She didn't shut the door on him, but she changed the dynamics completely. She started doing yoga and energy work (qi gong), and she was able to start changing her mind set and how she reacted to her thinking regarding him and his words/actions, their relationship. It's been about two months and mentally, she is in a great and calm space. The biggest thing that came out of it was the she realized that if she loses him because they couldn't figure it out, then that would have to be that. She said herself that the "attachment" (she doesn't know much about attachment theories) was gone, and it was the attachment that had held her back, but she no longer felt that attachment. Not that the idea didn't hurt if they didn't end up together, but rather that she realized the attachment she felt was unhealthy and kept her tied to a relationship that was no longer healthy for her, and she was ready to accept that if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out.
They never completely broke up, but things started to change in regards to how they related to each other, and I'm going to say it's mostly because of how she started to behave and react toward their relationship. She was no longer tolerating the vague messages and unclear communication.
So short story, a miracle happened - yesterday he made a huge breakthrough regarding himself, and he shared that with her. He also acknowledged that seeing HER change and how she now handled things was something he couldn't help but notice. So whatever influence it had on him somehow helped him see things in himself that he needed to work on and change.
As an observer, I can say that I am not completely surprised. These are two people who love each other, and she always had a strong sense of self (which came over the course of self work over her lifetime) but she was losing her sense of self in the FA spiral that she became entangled in. She regained her sense of self, and her relationship then followed. I give him much credit as well because he has hung on, but I do give her more credit (I AM a little biased :-p) because she was the one to lead with working on herself and changing her own relationship with herself.
One thing that I want to emphasize, and this has been talked about here, she spoke her truth and honesty; she told him exactly what she needed and what she expected and what she deserved, and that if he wanted to go back to his life where she wasn't going to be a part of it to be supportive and loving and not share the life they had that was good, then that was on HIM, not her, that if he was going to walk away from it because he somehow felt that she was the issue in his life that was causing him whatever grief he was feeling, then she was never going to stop him, and she was never going to go back to him ever. She was very strong in her words but they were all true, and he had no choice but to think about them.
They are going to make it, I know it, but it's because they are both taking accountability for their own growth and their own work. She never once told him that he should do anything, think anything, feel anything. She just focused on her own healing, and that's what he picked up on. There was zero pressure, zero nudging. He decided on his own for whatever reasons that he was ready to go deeper inside himself and explore.
Anyway, I hope this was inspiring to anyone, it sure is for me. I am so happy to have observed this ride and see how it's actually going in a great direction. If it inspired anyone to at least use their voice more, then that's good enough. It feels so good to speak your truth, we all deserve to be heard and understood. We won't always be by the people we want it from, but I think it's more important for ourselves to say what we need to say.
The last breakup was the typical "I can't give you what you need/I'm busy with work/ I have too much going on/you deserve better/yada yada yada. She tearfully accepted that this was finally ending (they had gone through the textbook steps of an FA relationship, and he had started to deactivate/cycle back/ rinse repeat) It was emotional for her as expected and she was extremely sad, as she had hoped things could go back to where they had been in the beginning.
As she was on the phone with me afterwards telling me all that had transpired, he was texting her that he wanted to let her know he loved her ,he missed her, just all this contradictory stuff when he had just told her he needed to break up with her! He ended up calling not even an hour later, and she said ENOUGH, called him out on everything he said and did, and said he needed to stop it all right now because he is hurting her with all this jerking around, and that it was not fair and she deserved better respect for her feelings. He agreed. He acknowledged it all, he had no choice.
Over the next few days, she said ok, let's take a step back; you work on yourself, I'm going to work on myself. She didn't shut the door on him, but she changed the dynamics completely. She started doing yoga and energy work (qi gong), and she was able to start changing her mind set and how she reacted to her thinking regarding him and his words/actions, their relationship. It's been about two months and mentally, she is in a great and calm space. The biggest thing that came out of it was the she realized that if she loses him because they couldn't figure it out, then that would have to be that. She said herself that the "attachment" (she doesn't know much about attachment theories) was gone, and it was the attachment that had held her back, but she no longer felt that attachment. Not that the idea didn't hurt if they didn't end up together, but rather that she realized the attachment she felt was unhealthy and kept her tied to a relationship that was no longer healthy for her, and she was ready to accept that if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out.
They never completely broke up, but things started to change in regards to how they related to each other, and I'm going to say it's mostly because of how she started to behave and react toward their relationship. She was no longer tolerating the vague messages and unclear communication.
So short story, a miracle happened - yesterday he made a huge breakthrough regarding himself, and he shared that with her. He also acknowledged that seeing HER change and how she now handled things was something he couldn't help but notice. So whatever influence it had on him somehow helped him see things in himself that he needed to work on and change.
As an observer, I can say that I am not completely surprised. These are two people who love each other, and she always had a strong sense of self (which came over the course of self work over her lifetime) but she was losing her sense of self in the FA spiral that she became entangled in. She regained her sense of self, and her relationship then followed. I give him much credit as well because he has hung on, but I do give her more credit (I AM a little biased :-p) because she was the one to lead with working on herself and changing her own relationship with herself.
One thing that I want to emphasize, and this has been talked about here, she spoke her truth and honesty; she told him exactly what she needed and what she expected and what she deserved, and that if he wanted to go back to his life where she wasn't going to be a part of it to be supportive and loving and not share the life they had that was good, then that was on HIM, not her, that if he was going to walk away from it because he somehow felt that she was the issue in his life that was causing him whatever grief he was feeling, then she was never going to stop him, and she was never going to go back to him ever. She was very strong in her words but they were all true, and he had no choice but to think about them.
They are going to make it, I know it, but it's because they are both taking accountability for their own growth and their own work. She never once told him that he should do anything, think anything, feel anything. She just focused on her own healing, and that's what he picked up on. There was zero pressure, zero nudging. He decided on his own for whatever reasons that he was ready to go deeper inside himself and explore.
Anyway, I hope this was inspiring to anyone, it sure is for me. I am so happy to have observed this ride and see how it's actually going in a great direction. If it inspired anyone to at least use their voice more, then that's good enough. It feels so good to speak your truth, we all deserve to be heard and understood. We won't always be by the people we want it from, but I think it's more important for ourselves to say what we need to say.