dida
New Member
Posts: 16
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Post by dida on Mar 30, 2020 5:46:19 GMT
Hello, I've seen an opinion here on the forum that you can't heal your attachment while in a relationship. I'm in one right now while trying to "fix" my attachment and sometimes am really struggling, but would love to make it work. What would be your experiences with this? Could you heal while in a relationship or was it obstacle, which you had to end and then earn secure?
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Post by Helsbells on Mar 30, 2020 11:33:35 GMT
Hello, I've seen an opinion here on the forum that you can't heal your attachment while in a relationship. I'm in one right now while trying to "fix" my attachment and sometimes am really struggling, but would love to make it work. What would be your experiences with this? Could you heal while in a relationship or was it obstacle, which you had to end and then earn secure? , I can only talk about my own situation. I was in a 2 year relationship with an FA guy, I am mainly avoidant in all my relationships, dismissive with parents and and less dismissive with some of my closest friends and my daughters. I had never come across attachment styles and theories until I got into the relationship with him. The first 6ths were very tough as he would leave me at the smallest fault or confrontation no matter how big or small. I truly felt like I was losing my mind over this man, the truth is I was to some extent. Then in mad search for some answers to what I was experiencing I stumbled across this forum and on reading lots of threads the scales began to drop from my eyes. I could relate so much to what lots off others had gone thru and experienced. So whilst we were apart again, this time was the longest he was gone for 3mths, I began to work on healing myself and understanding more about each others triggers and attachment. He asked to come back and thinking with my new found knowledge and keeping up with my own inner work things would be just fine. Alas not, we did last the longest stint without him running, which was really good. But even though I did all I could do on my part. Gave him love and space, never put any pressure on him for to much intimacy, cooked and prepared him lovely food, showed interest in things he enjoyed, didnt nag or control, went about my own life, he still deactivated and up and left me and we are still apart now. To your original question, it is possible to earn secure in a relationship, but i found myself growing apart from my partner more and more as i was moving away from my own toxic behaviour and not getting caught up in the push pull dance so much, I felt more and more unsatisfied , I couldn't imagine anything long term and I started to desire a much more fulfilling relationship. I believe he sensed it too. I believe he sensed the change in me and how more distant i was becoming and we were growing apart. I think the biggest change in my growth has been seen in this last round. He has wanted to come back so much and just to carry on as normal, but he "ain't got it like that no more ". He actually told me he is still exactly the same as he was when he left and I guess always will be. So alas NO I cant go back there again. What is it your acutely desiring by becoming more secure, to what outcome are you hoping for. Best of luck to you H xx |
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dida
New Member
Posts: 16
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Post by dida on Mar 30, 2020 19:31:57 GMT
Hello, I've seen an opinion here on the forum that you can't heal your attachment while in a relationship. I'm in one right now while trying to "fix" my attachment and sometimes am really struggling, but would love to make it work. What would be your experiences with this? Could you heal while in a relationship or was it obstacle, which you had to end and then earn secure? , I can only talk about my own situation. I was in a 2 year relationship with an FA guy, I am mainly avoidant in all my relationships, dismissive with parents and and less dismissive with some of my closest friends and my daughters. I had never come across attachment styles and theories until I got into the relationship with him. The first 6ths were very tough as he would leave me at the smallest fault or confrontation no matter how big or small. I truly felt like I was losing my mind over this man, the truth is I was to some extent. Then in mad search for some answers to what I was experiencing I stumbled across this forum and on reading lots of threads the scales began to drop from my eyes. I could relate so much to what lots off others had gone thru and experienced. So whilst we were apart again, this time was the longest he was gone for 3mths, I began to work on healing myself and understanding more about each others triggers and attachment. He asked to come back and thinking with my new found knowledge and keeping up with my own inner work things would be just fine. Alas not, we did last the longest stint without him running, which was really good. But even though I did all I could do on my part. Gave him love and space, never put any pressure on him for to much intimacy, cooked and prepared him lovely food, showed interest in things he enjoyed, didnt nag or control, went about my own life, he still deactivated and up and left me and we are still apart now. To your original question, it is possible to earn secure in a relationship, but i found myself growing apart from my partner more and more as i was moving away from my own toxic behaviour and not getting caught up in the push pull dance so much, I felt more and more unsatisfied , I couldn't imagine anything long term and I started to desire a much more fulfilling relationship. I believe he sensed it too. I believe he sensed the change in me and how more distant i was becoming and we were growing apart. I think the biggest change in my growth has been seen in this last round. He has wanted to come back so much and just to carry on as normal, but he "ain't got it like that no more ". He actually told me he is still exactly the same as he was when he left and I guess always will be. So alas NO I cant go back there again. What is it your acutely desiring by becoming more secure, to what outcome are you hoping for. Best of luck to you H xx Thank you so much for your answer. And sorry you had to be a part of that dance, but also I'm glad you moved to being more secure. I'm the FA (strong on avoidant) while my partner would be probably 50/50 or 40/60 for secure/anxious based on what he himself feels after reading about attachments and taking quite a few tests online. This relationship (even tho it's my first) really opened my eyes and made me see my issues, which made me want to go to therapy and better myself (thought I was just a negative type of person and thats why I feel like I'm going mad, but my therapist introduced me to attachmebt styles and everything finally made sense). First when I started therapy I thought it's all my fault that I'm so unhappy in a relationship (but then sometimes so content and at peace with my partner?! Like what?! ), because my partner of over 2 years now is really sweet, caring, understanding (he himself is dealing with really bad depression since he was 12 years old. On pills since 15 years of age [turning 40 on the 2nd of April]. it makes him understand what I'm dealing with) and giving person. I'm getting full body massages pretty much daily. He's really gentle with me and would do anything to please me. Every now and then he gives me "thank you" cards just to let me know he will never take me for granted, that he appreciates everything I do around the house and cooking and he's proud of me that I'm fighting back my demons. I should be so happy, right?! But I'm not a lot of the times. A lot of the times I'm terrified. I'm daydreaming about leaving and maybe finding this "thing" (this passion? Excitement? Love? Peace?) with another man. Thanks to my therapy I had quite major step forward towards being more secure last december and since then it's like someone would just open my eyes wide open and showed me that he in fact is not perfect. That a lot of the things he does kill even just tiny bit of emotion in me (when i get excited and express it, the second i look at him and see no expression on the face / when I ask what he feels, he responds "yeah, thats fine" in a voice so dull and dissinterested I just can't help to think of my mother, who would just act so disinterested in whatever i would tell her as a kid or bash me for something. In a matter of a split second I just shut down, can't feel anything [will be lucky if I feel anyhting for nextvweek ahead] and just feel like someone would put extra few bricks on my shoulders) He's not really expressive - not verbally and not physically and if I ask of him to share a bit of thought about or relationship, it sounds like he just gives me back what I was blabbering about for past 30min in different words, with this robotic voice. I told him aboit my concerns. About the fact that he also have to have some issues if: 1)I'm his first long term girlfriend and he's turning 40 soon. 2)I'm the 2nd gf that he ever had. 3)He would reject the ones that were interested in him. 4)He's crossing his own "lines" to meet people's needs and it makes him feel resentful. 5)He cannot stand up for himself. 6)Everyone in his family treats him like a kid they can bash if he doesn't do what they would like him to do - and he doesn't react, but feels anger inside! 7)His family at the very beginning would try to make my life a livinghell and he just watched me get more and more anxious, crying my eyes out everyday and he would just constantly apologise, but wouldn't tell them anything! I feel so resentful because of it, even tho I try to let it go. Asked why he never done anything and he said that he doesn't know. Since talk about him having to work on himself (and me nearly leaving him) he started reading about attachments etc. And ssid he wants to start therapy too. I want it to work out and i hope that maybe if I'll start feeling anything aside from anxiety and nausia, I'll actually be able to enjoy the things he does for me... And maybe then I won't be thinking so much abojt leaving. I would never want to hurt him and it seems like I've worked so much and fought myself back so hard to stay and try and have a good relationship with him, that hearing that my healing will not happen/won't make "us" happen is draining...I'm just so tired. I think part of me comes to terms with the idea that we'll have to end the relationship soon, but then part of me wants him in my life so bad. Eh well... Sorry for a long post. I just feel so defeated.also sorry for my bad english |
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Post by alexandra on Mar 31, 2020 0:50:45 GMT
dida, yes, you can heal while in a relationship. However, if your partner also has an insecure attachment style, you can't rely on them to help (there's no "healing together" unless everyone's in the exact same step in their process and also individually motivated and committed to their own journey), and you have to make enough space for yourself to focus on your own work. Some people may have trouble finding that balance while in a relationship, or may get triggered often by their partner and not make as much progress as a result. When I earned secure, it was when I was off and on with an FA partner. I took almost 9 months of no contact between us being together during which I was focusing on myself and rebuilding my self esteem after his deactivation and general mind f*cking confusion. However, I didn't quite understand attachment theory and that I was taking steps to earn secure, even though I was doing tons of reading up on it. I probably couldn't have earned secure without that time alone, because part of healing AP does involve focusing on yourself and connecting with yourself and not letting other people overly influence how you live your life (because a core AP wound is trusting others more than self, and you need to learn how to trust self in order to have healthy emotional boundaries). So it felt like that time alone was necessary to build the foundation. At that point I was more secure but still not earned secure, a little AP. But far less than I had been. We then got back in touch and tried to figure things out for several months, which was mostly him triggering me and me managing feeling triggered and having epiphanies afterwards. We'd talk about some of his weird (ie dysfunctional FA) behavior so I could better understand it and we mutually improved our communication, and that was very helpful to the overall process. I did my very best to listen and understand over several months. Then we got back together and he almost immediately blindsided me and ended it again, which effectively triggered me. After about 2 weeks of feeling horrible and confused and triggered, that was it. I woke up one morning, and all the attachment work I'd done for a couple years, all the work I'd done to understand my AP and his FA, all the healing and focus I'd done on my end, it literally just all clicked and my thought patterns changed. I took a test and was secure for the first time. He hasn't healed or earned secure or changed significantly, even though we were discussing all this and he saw how much I was changing and healing. He has told me he's set in his ways, so he's not doing the work on his own process / journey... even though he gave me feedback about his feelings and behavior, I was still the only one truly trying to fix my attachment issues so I was the only one who did, even though we were romantically together. And FWIW, it did take that second breakup and getting massively triggered to go the last 10 steps and earn secure.
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