Could use support.

serenity, thank you, one again, for being so comforting. All your words helped me, but the most helpful was the reminder that "the only thing that could have made him accept closeness in a healthy way would be him dealing with his issues."

So, today, I felt significantly better. I say this while recognizing that the process won't necessarily be linear and, as serenity mentioned, often the peak of it all might be around 3-4 weeks.  Anyway, I was feeling much more functional. I was outside in my yard, filming my dogs, and I didn't run inside when I heard him on his way to drive by. This is huge for me. Now, my yard is large and far enough from the shared road where you can't read expressions and such, but still... Whenever I would hear his truck start up (yes, we are that close by), I would head inside to avoid the pain. Today, I just kept on keeping on with my dogs. It was huge for me. I felt a little sad, because in the past, he has ignored my requests and would honk... Today, nothing. Be careful what you wish for, huh? 

BUT HERE IS THE LATEST ISSUE THAT I AM STRUGGLING WITH:

I told a friend that he would resurface when he needed something, because he is really struggling and I am honestly (and by his own admission) the only solid, reliable person in his life. As I state before, he chooses to hang around with literal drug addicts and alcoholics... grown men who live at home and live off their parents. He described them as "liars and thieves" and there is constant drama and betrayals and he keeps saying he needs to cut them off and he will for a week or month, but always goes back. Now part of it is their lifestyles are unaligned with his Christianity and he admits he smokes and drinks and curses when around them and feels shame and regret after. Side note: I have asked him why he has a hard line in the sand about physical intimacy with me due to his faith, but not other aspects of his life. He has no convincing answer, but all of us on this board knows him not being physically intimate with me has only a small part to do with his faith. 

Anyway, he has a 15 year old daughter. And I told her awhile back that as long as it was okay with her Dad, if she ever needed anything, I would be there for her, regardless of what was going on between her Dad and me. He was supportive of this, as he goes on about how I'm a good role model for her. He's right, except probably not in choosing men. LOL!  Anyway, I have helped her with so many things... things her parents should be doing: applying and getting into a private school (her dream!), getting her driver's permit, getting a copy of her birth certificate, etc. Her Mom is an addict who lives in another state and comes and goes in her life depending on if she's clean. And her Dad just struggles with mental health issues and money, but I am beginning to also think he's just immature and chooses to spend all his time hanging out with unsavory friends instead of being responsible for his own life and his daughter's. 

She texts me today and tells me she has a child support check from her Mom, but she has no way of cashing it. She said they really needed the money. It's written out to her Dad and supposedly he endorsed it and left it up to her. She has a penchant for distorting the truth, so... Anyway, her Dad doesn't have a bank account because he owes the bank money. She says they desperately need the money and could I put the check in my account and advance them a portion of it. My instinct is to just help. That's what I do, especially with children and animals. But I delete my text and tell her I'll call her in a bit.

I reflect. Call a friend. He tells me to tell them to leave me the f8@k alone and figure it out themselves. In the past, they always come to me when there's a "crisis." When he had to go to the ER, he calls me (we weren't talking at the time). When he got into an altercation with his alcoholic friends and had to walk home, he called me at 3am for a ride (we had just started talking again by text after another break when this happened!). Fortunately, my phone was on DND. Countless more examples. He seems to count on me for tangible help, but when he's upset, like when his dog died and when his daughter got expelled, he went to the alcoholic neighbor's home and avoided me for days. He texted me the news immediately, but wouldn't talk to me when I called or texted. I know he drinks and smokes to cope with the incidents and so I am sure that's part of the reason he ends up at the neighbor's home (he doesn't keep substances in his own home and I don’t drink or smoke )...

So part of me feels glad they know I am solid and reliable and even when we are not talking, he feels safe enough to reach out. And I do NOT think he is a user. If anything, he is so opposed to accepting help or kindness of any kind from me... but when it's something "major," he somehow can call on me. BUT still, I feel a little used. I want to be like, "Why don't you ask one of your friends whom you give all your time to and show up for instead of asking me whom you do not show up for?" Of course, I NEVER say that. It hurts.

Anyway, I felt it was inappropriate for her Dad to ask her to ask me. She claims he didn't have anything to do with it. She could be lying, but he also inappropriately relies on her to handle grown-up things. Don't get me started on their enmeshment -- that's another forum. LOL.

So, I said "No" and I feel awful. I simply told her, "I don't think I can help you this time" and intended to leave it at that.  And there was radio silence. I had never said "No" to them in their time of need and so she was shocked. I know I don't have to explain myself, but she wanted to understand. I explained to her that I would always help with things that I felt were appropriate to help with and that they couldn't do on their own, but this was something I felt her Dad could handle and that it's better that they figure out a long-term solution to this anyway. I gave her some suggestions about check cashing places and banks. I think she was so surprised and hurt that I'm not sure she understood. She kept saying this had nothing to do with her Dad and he told her to handle it. She got a little manipulative and said she was just going to give the money back to her Mom. I told her it was her decision to make, but too not be rash and consider the solutions I offered.

I feel awful. I am trying to figure out boundaries with his daughter. Part of me regrets telling them my relationship with her would remain, because I don't know if I'm strong enough right now. I try to be acutely aware of myself when with her or speaking with her, but I feel like the potential and temptation of triangulation is always there. The other part of me feels like the right (and natural for me) thing to do is to NOT just disappear from her life. We have a connection and she has no one solid in her life. Her parents have let her down and disappointed her time and time again. I have no kids and so helping her with school or getting her permit or whatever is easy for me. I know all the ins and outs as I had to do a lot of that myself.

I am second guessing my handling of the check, but I do think I would only be enabling if I just handed over the money. It's something her Dad could do on his own right?  It's not rocket science. Her Dad does not sort his stuff and then it comes back to haunt him. And I asked why the money was so urgent and it was as suspected, she just wanted her phone turned on. She's addicted to social media. That, to me, did not warrant an emergency. If they had no food or electricity or needed medications, I would have helped. I've done that for my elderly neighbor. I will pick up her meds or pay an electric bill...   

Is it possible for me to be there for this young lady and move on? I am telling myself it is, if I start putting up boundaries like I just did. I just want to be careful that the boundaries are from a sincere, healthy place and not out of spite or hurt. 

Lastly, I find it confusing that he will come to me in these extreme moments of vulnerability (like when he had to go to the ER -- he could have called an ambulance) but he also struggles with being vulnerable in an everyday sense. What is that about? I seriously predicted he would come to me whenever he had an issue like this or when his "friends" betray him again. Like I said, I know he doesn't use people, but then again, I think there is a small subconscious part of him that is still using me in the sense that he will rely on me but not reciprocate even as a friend.

Of course the timing was great. As soon as I feel like it's my first day closer to on-track, this happens...

That was poor timing confusednyc So rough on you.

I think its fine to have some boundaries with her, she's not your daughter, and you were never given the status of step mother, wife, or even girlfriend. If another woman came on the scene, none of them would think twice about replacing you and excluding you from their lives forever. You need to look after you.

And also, there's no hurry to decide on how, or if, you wish to continue to interact with his daughter. Just keep letting her (and him) know you need space to heal for a few months. And do everything you can to honor yourself and what you need right now.

<3

It's a power struggle between both of you. It's difficult when they appear to be "safe" by a form of pursuit, but he was only doing this when you were ignoring him. If you reciprocate in any way, he's going to run. You see the patterns, and so when he does it the next time (he likely will, but please do not wait for it), you have to put the emotions aside (easier said than done) and go with cold hard logic which is predicting his pattern and that is to run when you respond. So just don't respond. He is using what he knows will get to you (the dogs). This doesn't make him a bad person, per se, but he is desperately trying to get what he needs and unfortunately that ignores your feelings and needs. He is just not capable of caring for your feelings at all.

alice and alexandara -- Thank you both for your comforting perspectives and compassion.

Alice, I do understand the idea of the power struggle, but I looked back at our exchange and I can say that I only tried to accommodate within reason. When he suddenly said he wasn't ready to talk, I came up with a plan to drop the dog so we wouldn't have to see each other. Then he complained I was taking it too far. When he said he couldn't drop the dog off at a certain day/time, I picked a different one until I eventually said "Any day. Any time."

Alexandra, yes, he has many issues by his own admission. I now have learned he plans or starts to get help, but has never followed through fully or for any length of time. And, yes, when I told him we could be friends and saw how he changed his mind and then this dog thing, that's when I said we should continue to be apart. I could see that a friendship might not be possible and I think that's a lot of the pain I'm feeling. And realizing that what I valued in him most was his gentle nature and I'm seeing more and more that he has a very ungentle, volatile side which I don't want to admit.

I also forgot to mention that after not responding and then many days later saying I was okay with being friends, I assured him I would keep boundaries and not cross things physically as we both had in the past. I told him I was past that. I assumed that would offer him comfort in seeing me, because while he would touch me (no sex though), he would often complain that it made him uncomfortable and was sinful and we had to stop. Well, that text was followed by his lashing out about how he didn't want to talk to me. I was confused as just days earlier he wanted to be friends. I can't win!

I'm affected lots by the blocking me. He's never done that. He'll say he's done and after a week or two, simmer down and reach back, either apologetically or as if nothing happened. The blocking seems so extreme even for him. Is it typical for someone to raise the stakes/push the envelope as they sense the other isn't as emotionally invested? Obviously, I am still pretty invested or I wouldn't be falling apart; however, by text, I was really calm and matter-of-fact and didn't get caught up in his emotions or mine.

On the bright side, the dog is doing wonderfully! My FA complained that he had to rid of the dog, despite being attached, because the dog was too destructive and to much work. His house is chaotic (constant fighting and yelling between his daughter and him) and he leaves the dog tied out all day. My home is calm, my dogs are on a routine and this dog has not destroyed one thing or made one mess. He is easy! Hmmm.... Of note, one person suggested he also didn't want to drop the dog off, because he had to face yet another perceived failure in his life and also he is very sensitive to animals on some level and didn't want to face saying "bye" to the dog and wanted someone else to do his bidding.

alexandra - That makes sense. It's very hard for me to admit his behavior's are abusive and controlling. I want so badly to believe he was the kind, gentle man I first met. I never thought he had this side. Thanks for reminding me that it may not be malicious or intentional; still, the result is it's hurtful. And, again, the hardest part is how he accepts mistreatment and disrespect from all of his peers and never cuts them out... complains, but then defends them. I haven't been perfect, but I can 100% say that I have never raised my voice, called him a name or treated him with any disrespect. I have respectfully expressed my feelings or difference of opinion at times and, yes, when I didn't understand what was going on with his hot and cold behavior at first, I did get emotional, but it was in the way of getting sad and expressing my hurt and confusion. Yet, he "punishes" me and continues to give all his time and energy to friends he himself as referred to as "liars and thieves, bad influences." Sigh.

This sounds like he generally feels powerless and like he has to people-please (it's not uncommon that FA may fawn to win approval, as they learned it might work in childhood), and perhaps with the women he dates he sees it as an outlet to reclaim some control. Are most of the "friends" he caters to also men? He may have some gender issues going on from however he grew up.

It's also possible that he feels he is on the level of these people he recognizes as not good people (ie feels bad about himself and who he is, surrounds himself with similar people) and then is mean to those who treat him better because he doesn't feel he deserves it. Example of negative thought-track of someone insecure and who has a bad relationship with him/herself: something must be wrong with anyone else who can care for someone as broken as me.

But again, we can speculate all day and not know. What's important is that the outcome, that he doesn't treat you with respect, is the same. And you didn't cause the behavior, so you also can't change it.