Post by seeking on Mar 31, 2020 22:07:15 GMT
I'm still trying to figure me out. 
I feel like I'm very "awake" about it but still very confused.
So observing myself in recent interaction with another person who I am certain isn't SA.
I definitely think the first part of this behavior is me being "fearful" so I have that much down. What do you think?
Scenario - we had 1 date. We liked each other. Planned to go out again. He suddenly had to travel for new job for 2 weeks, came back and it was pandemic. We kept in touch largely by text. So considering we still don't fully know each other, and he can be "witty" I started taking some of his texts to heart - like ones where he said "Plan for this afternoon - sit in a chair for hours and hours" or "Time to move furniture around again."
I didn't think he was like this (meaning bored easily, etc) we both bonded over being busy, and keeping our house clean, and always having stuff to do, etc. So it was confusing. I was trying not to react, but I found it irritating (and this is where I start to get fearful - omg, what if he is like this all the time? I can't live with someone like this. I don't feel "seen" - I'm a busy single mom, how can he just talk about sitting in a chair for hours, on and on). So I wrote one comment. And I said "have any interests? hobbies?" And he writes back a whole bunch, which is confusing! So I write: "I hope you don't take offense to this, but sometimes you come across as two different people." That's really all I said. I know it could have felt critical.
What he did next - I get a text that says that he is fine, doesn't get offended easily, likes feedback but that as it turns out he's taking himself off the market because he has a lot going on and feels he is "of no value" to anyone and wishes me all the best!?
UGH!
My immediate instinct--and I usually have pretty spot-on instincts--is this is a guy who is terrified of rejection so he will reject me first if he sees things going that way.
What I do next - I didn't actually know he texted me back for like 5 days (I didn't see the text). I feel some disappointment, sadness, and a little "whatever"-- because I'm still thinking he's someone who sits in a chair for hours and hours or gets board easily.
I start telling a friend about what happened, and go back to read the text, and I find the one where he is wishing me the best of luck. Something doesn't sit right in me. I don't like it. I immediately feel a loss. Like I lost something good - immediately it becomes clear all the great things about him and that I "effed up" once again and immediately he becomes more valuable?
So I call him. I don't text because I don't want him to brush me off. I plan to not let him off so easily. I leave a message. I say "I am sorry to hear about your family member. And I have a lot going on too. But there is no pressure here."
What he does next - He calls back within 10 minutes. We talk about other things. Then he says he has this thing with dating/relationship where he wants to "be of value." I say, "I'm not really looking for someone to be of value, and again there is no pressure, no reason we shouldn't continue. He says he'd like to get together again and thinks were compatible. This feels like enormous relief. I agree. He also says "even if we were just friends." Ugh. But I know what he meant - more that why end it when at the very least we could be friends. We do genuinely like each other.
So we talk another 30 minutes and he has to go.
My friend said "This is what you do, you chase them." I don't agree. I don't think this was chasing. I saw him go away and I didn't want him to go away. So what is that?
I reached out and we got things back on track.
I don't feel I was overbearing. I told him I will respect whatever he decides. He wants to continue.
He texted me a few hours later. We don't text every day, and I know we won't even get to see each other for weeks--possibly longer--due to lockdown. But I'd really like some insight - any insight - into any part of these behaviors to help me continue to understand.
I tend to think he is more avoidant (but I don't know any shades of what type)
And I am fearful (I think)?
Thoughts?
I feel like I'm very "awake" about it but still very confused.
So observing myself in recent interaction with another person who I am certain isn't SA.
I definitely think the first part of this behavior is me being "fearful" so I have that much down. What do you think?
Scenario - we had 1 date. We liked each other. Planned to go out again. He suddenly had to travel for new job for 2 weeks, came back and it was pandemic. We kept in touch largely by text. So considering we still don't fully know each other, and he can be "witty" I started taking some of his texts to heart - like ones where he said "Plan for this afternoon - sit in a chair for hours and hours" or "Time to move furniture around again."
I didn't think he was like this (meaning bored easily, etc) we both bonded over being busy, and keeping our house clean, and always having stuff to do, etc. So it was confusing. I was trying not to react, but I found it irritating (and this is where I start to get fearful - omg, what if he is like this all the time? I can't live with someone like this. I don't feel "seen" - I'm a busy single mom, how can he just talk about sitting in a chair for hours, on and on). So I wrote one comment. And I said "have any interests? hobbies?" And he writes back a whole bunch, which is confusing! So I write: "I hope you don't take offense to this, but sometimes you come across as two different people." That's really all I said. I know it could have felt critical.
What he did next - I get a text that says that he is fine, doesn't get offended easily, likes feedback but that as it turns out he's taking himself off the market because he has a lot going on and feels he is "of no value" to anyone and wishes me all the best!?
UGH!
My immediate instinct--and I usually have pretty spot-on instincts--is this is a guy who is terrified of rejection so he will reject me first if he sees things going that way.
What I do next - I didn't actually know he texted me back for like 5 days (I didn't see the text). I feel some disappointment, sadness, and a little "whatever"-- because I'm still thinking he's someone who sits in a chair for hours and hours or gets board easily.
I start telling a friend about what happened, and go back to read the text, and I find the one where he is wishing me the best of luck. Something doesn't sit right in me. I don't like it. I immediately feel a loss. Like I lost something good - immediately it becomes clear all the great things about him and that I "effed up" once again and immediately he becomes more valuable?
So I call him. I don't text because I don't want him to brush me off. I plan to not let him off so easily. I leave a message. I say "I am sorry to hear about your family member. And I have a lot going on too. But there is no pressure here."
What he does next - He calls back within 10 minutes. We talk about other things. Then he says he has this thing with dating/relationship where he wants to "be of value." I say, "I'm not really looking for someone to be of value, and again there is no pressure, no reason we shouldn't continue. He says he'd like to get together again and thinks were compatible. This feels like enormous relief. I agree. He also says "even if we were just friends." Ugh. But I know what he meant - more that why end it when at the very least we could be friends. We do genuinely like each other.
So we talk another 30 minutes and he has to go.
My friend said "This is what you do, you chase them." I don't agree. I don't think this was chasing. I saw him go away and I didn't want him to go away. So what is that?
I reached out and we got things back on track.
I don't feel I was overbearing. I told him I will respect whatever he decides. He wants to continue.
He texted me a few hours later. We don't text every day, and I know we won't even get to see each other for weeks--possibly longer--due to lockdown. But I'd really like some insight - any insight - into any part of these behaviors to help me continue to understand.
I tend to think he is more avoidant (but I don't know any shades of what type)
And I am fearful (I think)?
Thoughts?