dida
New Member
Posts: 16
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Post by dida on Apr 4, 2020 1:35:27 GMT
Hi, I have a few questions for other FA's. I'm in a process of trying to get to know and understand myself better, which is actually quite confusing. I would be really grateful for any kind of experience / knowledge you'd be comfortable with sharing.
1) How can you tell the difference between just not being into someone and wanting to end relationship and your attachment "acting out" and making you feel like you need to break up?
2) What are you doing to help yourself to get out of this intensly jittery, anxious feeling, that makes you believe everyone (especially your bf/gf) hates you /ia annoyed with you, without shutting down and feeling empty/numb for days/weeks at a time? (if you experience that)
3) Do you feel dead on the inside most of the time and kind of go with the flow and act like you have feelings of caring, being worried etc. So you would not hurt others / wouldn't come off as psychopath? And if you don't feel dead, you feel terrified for no apparent reason?
4) If you healed and became secure - how long did it took to reach it?
5)Do you feel really tense and "heavy" around your partner, but light and at peace when they're not around? Also is it easier for you to feel love for them when they're not around and feel repulsed by them when they're near you?
Thank you for any answer! Thank you fir sharing(sorry for my english)
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Post by nyc718 on Apr 4, 2020 2:01:12 GMT
Hi, I have a few questions for other FA's. I'm in a process of trying to get to know and understand myself better, which is actually quite confusing. I would be really grateful for any kind of experience / knowledge you'd be comfortable with sharing. 1) How can you tell the difference between just not being into someone and wanting to end relationship and your attachment "acting out" and making you feel like you need to break up? 2) What are you doing to help yourself to get out of this intensly jittery, anxious feeling, that makes you believe everyone (especially your bf/gf) hates you /ia annoyed with you, without shutting down and feeling empty/numb for days/weeks at a time? (if you experience that) 3) Do you feel dead on the inside most of the time and kind of go with the flow and act like you have feelings of caring, being worried etc. So you would not hurt others / wouldn't come off as psychopath? And if you don't feel dead, you feel terrified for no apparent reason? 4) If you healed and became secure - how long did it took to reach it? 5)Do you feel really tense and "heavy" around your partner, but light and at peace when they're not around? Also is it easier for you to feel love for them when they're not around and feel repulsed by them when they're near you? Thank you for any answer! Thank you fir sharing(sorry for my english) I would say because you feel what you say you feel in numbers 2, 3 and 5, it's safe to say it's an attachment issue, not just "not being into someone". A secure person doesn't feel those mixed emotions, it's more a steady feeling, not all over the place. I have been in and out of secure/AP for a lot of my life, and the partner I am with makes a huge difference which I lean more towards. Right now I am not dating and I have been working on myself for months since my last breakup with an FA ex. I've made a lot of progress in these months, but I am still not ready to rush back out there. I am enjoying my own company and enjoying the new layers of healing and progress I am making. I am able to clearly see the past relationships with emotionally unavailable men very clearly in a way I couldn't before. I would say it takes as long or as short as the amount of work you want to do, how much needs to be healed, and how motivated you are. I was super motivated this time, because I was tired of my old patterns. But there seem to always be more layers to uncover, and that takes time. That said, I think if you are in a relationship with someone who is conscious and actively working on their attachment issues as well as yourself, there can be a lot of growth together, but BOTH have to be doing the work. One person cannot do the work only. It will not be balanced or healthy. |
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Post by kittygirl on Apr 4, 2020 16:46:42 GMT
3) Do you feel dead on the inside most of the time and kind of go with the flow and act like you have feelings of caring, being worried etc. So you would not hurt others / wouldn't come off as psychopath? And if you don't feel dead, you feel terrified for no apparent reason? dida wow......for what it's worth, my very close FA friend describes his feelings exactly as you have here (like exactly-even to the point of being so afraid of hurting people because you know you simply can't/won't feel about them the way you're "supposed" to). He says he can't love anyone but will feign a lot of those feelings because he thinks thats what you're "supposed" to do. You are not alone.
I am so sorry you feel this way. It causes my friend a tremendous amount of pain and it means that relationships are utterly exhausting for him because he is "acting" a lot of the time and inside of his head basically all the time. I can't speak to gaining secure as he isn't working on his issues at all. I know there are several people on the boards (FAs specifically even) who have earned secure after putting in the work so it's possible. Thais Gibson is a woman on youtube who was FA and now earned secure so maybe check out some of her vids as well.
You are definitely not alone at all
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dida
New Member
Posts: 16
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Post by dida on Apr 4, 2020 17:56:26 GMT
I would say because you feel what you say you feel in numbers 2, 3 and 5, it's safe to say it's an attachment issue, not just "not being into someone". A secure person doesn't feel those mixed emotions, it's more a steady feeling, not all over the place.[/quote] That really made it all "click". I wouldn't actually see it myself. Thank you so, so much for your response. Thank you for sharing your story too and I'm happy for you, that you can now spot all the problems in previous relationships, so you wont makr them again. |
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dida
New Member
Posts: 16
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Post by dida on Apr 4, 2020 18:09:54 GMT
3) Do you feel dead on the inside most of the time and kind of go with the flow and act like you have feelings of caring, being worried etc. So you would not hurt others / wouldn't come off as psychopath? And if you don't feel dead, you feel terrified for no apparent reason? dida wow......for what it's worth, my very close FA friend describes his feelings exactly as you have here (like exactly-even to the point of being so afraid of hurting people because you know you simply can't/won't feel about them the way you're "supposed" to). He says he can't love anyone but will feign a lot of those feelings because he thinks thats what you're "supposed" to do. You are not alone.
I am so sorry you feel this way. It causes my friend a tremendous amount of pain and it means that relationships are utterly exhausting for him because he is "acting" a lot of the time and inside of his head basically all the time. I can't speak to gaining secure as he isn't working on his issues at all. I know there are several people on the boards (FAs specifically even) who have earned secure after putting in the work so it's possible. Thais Gibson is a woman on youtube who was FA and now earned secure so maybe check out some of her vids as well.
You are definitely not alone at all
Thank you for the answer, it actually (as bad as it sound) made me feel a bit better about all that, as the amount of guilt I feel so often is just crushing. And if I push trough "acting" it takes me aboout a week before I'll have a masssive meltdown and just cry uncontrollably and rock like a little child. I hate that, but I noticed it got so much better since I started therapy (1 and a half year ago). Before it would happen maybe 2-3 times a week. It's a shame your friend doesn't think of working on it. It took me about 10 months of therapy to be able to feel content, in love and relaxed around my partner for a day or two (since then I had those feelings cming back about 4-7 times). It's not long or much but it really is worth it. Past 2 months i feel really empty or anxious, but all that pain that comes up in therapy and all the reading I do is really worth it. Even if I only feel good for 10min pnce a month, it makes me feel like I'm really a human being and not empty shell. You can't make him go, but I really hope hevll think of therapy. Thank you for your post! |
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Post by nyc718 on Apr 4, 2020 18:37:55 GMT
dida wow......for what it's worth, my very close FA friend describes his feelings exactly as you have here (like exactly-even to the point of being so afraid of hurting people because you know you simply can't/won't feel about them the way you're "supposed" to). He says he can't love anyone but will feign a lot of those feelings because he thinks thats what you're "supposed" to do. You are not alone.
I am so sorry you feel this way. It causes my friend a tremendous amount of pain and it means that relationships are utterly exhausting for him because he is "acting" a lot of the time and inside of his head basically all the time. I can't speak to gaining secure as he isn't working on his issues at all. I know there are several people on the boards (FAs specifically even) who have earned secure after putting in the work so it's possible. Thais Gibson is a woman on youtube who was FA and now earned secure so maybe check out some of her vids as well.
You are definitely not alone at all
Thank you for the answer, it actually (as bad as it sound) made me feel a bit better about all that, as the amount of guilt I feel so often is just crushing. And if I push trough "acting" it takes me aboout a week before I'll have a masssive meltdown and just cry uncontrollably and rock like a little child. I hate that, but I noticed it got so much better since I started therapy (1 and a half year ago). Before it would happen maybe 2-3 times a week. It's a shame your friend doesn't think of working on it. It took me about 10 months of therapy to be able to feel content, in love and relaxed around my partner for a day or two (since then I had those feelings cming back about 4-7 times). It's not long or much but it really is worth it. Past 2 months i feel really empty or anxious, but all that pain that comes up in therapy and all the reading I do is really worth it. Even if I only feel good for 10min pnce a month, it makes me feel like I'm really a human being and not empty shell. You can't make him go, but I really hope hevll think of therapy. Thank you for your post! You're doing the work and that's great, give yourself credit. We can often feel like we've regressed or being set back, but that is often just more layers of healing that come up to the surface that need to be processed and dealt with. No matter what, you are going forward! It's not a straight path, it will have twists and turns, but it's still forward no matter what <3 |
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Post by amber on Apr 4, 2020 21:48:20 GMT
Hi, I have a few questions for other FA's. I'm in a process of trying to get to know and understand myself better, which is actually quite confusing. I would be really grateful for any kind of experience / knowledge you'd be comfortable with sharing. 1) How can you tell the difference between just not being into someone and wanting to end relationship and your attachment "acting out" and making you feel like you need to break up? 2) What are you doing to help yourself to get out of this intensly jittery, anxious feeling, that makes you believe everyone (especially your bf/gf) hates you /ia annoyed with you, without shutting down and feeling empty/numb for days/weeks at a time? (if you experience that) 3) Do you feel dead on the inside most of the time and kind of go with the flow and act like you have feelings of caring, being worried etc. So you would not hurt others / wouldn't come off as psychopath? And if you don't feel dead, you feel terrified for no apparent reason? 4) If you healed and became secure - how long did it took to reach it? 5)Do you feel really tense and "heavy" around your partner, but light and at peace when they're not around? Also is it easier for you to feel love for them when they're not around and feel repulsed by them when they're near you? Thank you for any answer! Thank you fir sharing(sorry for my english) I would say you have an attachment issue here. You would likely feel this way with any partner regardless of who it is. My take on some of what you are experiencing is that you likely dissociate. It was a way for you to survive difficulties in your childhood, so you dumb/disconnect from yourself and then you can’t access loving feelings for your partner which results in you wondering if they arnt the right person for u etc etc. I used to have this experience years ago in my early relationships. I did a lot of emotional clearing work with s body worker and found that after this was able to connect to myself more and then connect more to my partner and feel love and care a lot more easily x |
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Post by nyc718 on Apr 5, 2020 0:59:14 GMT
Thank you for the answer, it actually (as bad as it sound) made me feel a bit better about all that, as the amount of guilt I feel so often is just crushing. And if I push trough "acting" it takes me aboout a week before I'll have a masssive meltdown and just cry uncontrollably and rock like a little child. I hate that, but I noticed it got so much better since I started therapy (1 and a half year ago). Before it would happen maybe 2-3 times a week. It's a shame your friend doesn't think of working on it. It took me about 10 months of therapy to be able to feel content, in love and relaxed around my partner for a day or two (since then I had those feelings cming back about 4-7 times). It's not long or much but it really is worth it. Past 2 months i feel really empty or anxious, but all that pain that comes up in therapy and all the reading I do is really worth it. Even if I only feel good for 10min pnce a month, it makes me feel like I'm really a human being and not empty shell. You can't make him go, but I really hope hevll think of therapy. Thank you for your post! You're doing the work and that's great, give yourself credit. We can often feel like we've regressed or being set back, but that is often just more layers of healing that come up to the surface that need to be processed and dealt with. No matter what, you are going forward! It's not a straight path, it will have twists and turns, but it's still forward no matter what <3 I wanted to ad, Coaching.with.Shabana on Instagram is excellent for FA. She herself used to be either DA or FA, I forgot what she said. She posts content almost every day in her Instagram stories about attachment issues. Silvy Khoucasian is a great relationship coach too. |
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