|
|
Dilemma
Apr 9, 2020 18:23:20 GMT
via mobile
Post by annieb on Apr 9, 2020 18:23:20 GMT
Thought to get some feedback from you guys. I’m an FA, in therapy and have made some strides, but not enough it seems. In February I met a guy on OLD that I liked, but immediately tried to friend zone. He insisted on dating and I didn’t mind. I liked him more as time went by. We had been on four dates, before COVID-19. I got sick last month and quarantined and he quarantined, both in separate locations. He has a daughter and he said he wasn’t going to be able to see her for three weeks. After both had quarantined we took a risk and got together, knowing he won’t see the daughter for three weeks, I was ok with it, I don’t want to jeopardize her (I haven’t met her), we had a great time. A coupe days later it turns out he is seeing his daughter for the weekend. I told him to see her 6 feet apart with masks on. He flipped out, and asked: “Is that what you did with your roommate?”, basically got kind of flippant with me, while I wanted to smooth things over and he got defensive. This similar dynamic has happened before, I don’t even remember in what context, I called him out and he basically denied it. But basically it’s a minor misunderstanding that is then followed up with lack of communication.
Usually he shuts down for a couple days and then comes around. I don’t know if I’m equipped to deal with this. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but haven’t really gotten anywhere.
It kind of hurt my feelings for him and I just want to fade out to be honest, but I don’t know if that’s my FA talking or is it me. He is great in a lot of ways and if it didn’t bother me, this is by far one of the very few flaws I can find in him otherwise. I just feel like I’m not going to be able to develop the communication I will need in a relationship with him.
|
|
|
|
Post by nyc718 on Apr 9, 2020 19:38:15 GMT
Thought to get some feedback from you guys. I’m an FA, in therapy and have made some strides, but not enough it seems. In February I met a guy on OLD that I liked, but immediately tried to friend zone. He insisted on dating and I didn’t mind. I liked him more as time went by. We had been on four dates, before COVID-19. I got sick last month and quarantined and he quarantined, both in separate locations. He has a daughter and he said he wasn’t going to be able to see her for three weeks. After both had quarantined we took a risk and got together, knowing he won’t see the daughter for three weeks, I was ok with it, I don’t want to jeopardize her (I haven’t met her), we had a great time. A coupe days later it turns out he is seeing his daughter for the weekend. I told him to see her 6 feet apart with masks on. He flipped out, and asked: “Is that what you did with your roommate?”, basically got kind of flippant with me, while I wanted to smooth things over and he got defensive. This similar dynamic has happened before, I don’t even remember in what context, I called him out and he basically denied it. But basically it’s a minor misunderstanding that is then followed up with lack of communication. Usually he shuts down for a couple days and then comes around. I don’t know if I’m equipped to deal with this. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but haven’t really gotten anywhere. It kind of hurt my feelings for him and I just want to fade out to be honest, but I don’t know if that’s my FA talking or is it me. He is great in a lot of ways and if it didn’t bother me, this is by far one of the very few flaws I can find in him otherwise. I just feel like I’m not going to be able to develop the communication I will need in a relationship with him. A secure person wouldn't have flipped out on you. I say heed the red flag and let it go. |
|
|
|
Post by annieb on Apr 9, 2020 19:53:06 GMT
Thank you nyc718 I will take your advice. My usual MO would be to analyze what I did wrong, instead of focusing on that this will not work for me. |
|
|
|
Post by nyc718 on Apr 9, 2020 19:59:00 GMT
Thank you nyc718 I will take your advice. My usual MO would be to analyze what I did wrong, instead of focusing on that this will not work for me. Even if you had said something "wrong", the days of no communication is not healthy in a relationship, so there are several red flags going on. I say take them and focus on those, not the other things, because these red flags are ultimately the undoing of a relationship, not the good things. |
|
|
|
Post by annieb on Apr 9, 2020 20:06:48 GMT
I hear you nyc718 do you think it's cowardly to let the relationship fade out? We are in somewhat communication since this happened, but very surface on my part and hardly what I would like. I would like a real conversation about the anger or whatever he felt and basically an apology. Should I make a phone call to him where I hash this out or just stop communicating/ slowly fade? As that's what it feels like on his side right now, like a fade. The couple times he did this before he came back strong about a week later. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Apr 9, 2020 20:14:00 GMT
annieb, I'm going to say that some allowances should be made for people reacting to stress oddly directly as it relates to the virus. I can imagine someone overreacting because you're effectively telling him he can't connect to his daughter in the way he wants to (even though you're entirely correct). However, if it was a one-off, I'd suggest seeing how he then repairs with you and how long it takes, and that in itself doesn't prove out secure or insecure behavior (though he could have better conflict resolution skills). What strikes me about your post most is this part: "This similar dynamic has happened before, I don’t even remember in what context, I called him out and he basically denied it. But basically it’s a minor misunderstanding that is then followed up with lack of communication. Usually he shuts down for a couple days and then comes around. I don’t know if I’m equipped to deal with this. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but haven’t really gotten anywhere." The pattern of this happening even when it's not an unusual pandemic-related situation, and that you're unable to have a constructive conversation with him about actual issues shows incompatibility. You shouldn't have to deal with denial, silent treatment, return (but no actual solving of the issue), and it's great you recognize that it's not what you need in a partner and it's turning you off. Since it's such early days and you still don't know him well, if you decide to end it you should say something and not just fade out. It's respectful, and good practice for you to communicate needs (even if all you say is I don't think this is working out for me, but good luck).
|
|
|
|
Post by annieb on Apr 9, 2020 20:29:05 GMT
annieb , I'm going to say that some allowances should be made for people reacting to stress oddly directly as it relates to the virus. I can imagine someone overreacting because you're effectively telling him he can't connect to his daughter in the way he wants to (even though you're entirely correct). However, if it was a one-off, I'd suggest seeing how he then repairs with you and how long it takes, and that in itself doesn't prove out secure or insecure behavior (though he could have better conflict resolution skills). What strikes me about your post most is this part: "This similar dynamic has happened before, I don’t even remember in what context, I called him out and he basically denied it. But basically it’s a minor misunderstanding that is then followed up with lack of communication. Usually he shuts down for a couple days and then comes around. I don’t know if I’m equipped to deal with this. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but haven’t really gotten anywhere." The pattern of this happening even when it's not an unusual pandemic-related situation, and that you're unable to have a constructive conversation with him about actual issues shows incompatibility. You shouldn't have to deal with denial, silent treatment, return (but no actual solving of the issue), and it's great you recognize that it's not what you need in a partner and it's turning you off. Since it's such early days and you still don't know him well, if you decide to end it you should say something and not just fade out. It's respectful, and good practice for you to communicate needs (even if all you say is I don't think this is working out for me, but good luck). Thank you alexandra for your thorough and thoughtful advice - I agree that concessions have to be made for the virus situation, and people are being tested, but that the same situation has repeated itself a few times already before the virus doesn't bode well for this budding relationship. Since I am in no hurry, I think I will wait for now with the breakup, but I will bring this up if he does indeed call me next couple days. And maybe depending on that conversation I will make my decision. |
|
|
|
Post by nyc718 on Apr 9, 2020 20:45:28 GMT
I hear you nyc718 do you think it's cowardly to let the relationship fade out? We are in somewhat communication since this happened, but very surface on my part and hardly what I would like. I would like a real conversation about the anger or whatever he felt and basically an apology. Should I make a phone call to him where I hash this out or just stop communicating/ slowly fade? As that's what it feels like on his side right now, like a fade. The couple times he did this before he came back strong about a week later. I personally would let it fade out, but that's just me. I don't think you'd have to go too in depth more than "we aren't compatible in our communication styles", unless he presses you. I don't have time for surface dating relationships personally. I had met someone who I determined was not at for me, told him such, and he wanted to try to be "friends." I was fine with that, but when the Pandemic hit, I realized it wasn't even worth my energy to stay friends with someone that I barely knew and felt no compatibility with, and I never replied to his last message. I didn't think it was cowardly as we barely had a relationship. I'm at a place in my personal journey where I can't be with anyone who I can't be transparent with or otherwise talk about the elephant in the room, whatever it may be - a misunderstanding, miscommunication, whatever it is. I can't be in a relationship anymore where we don't address the issues and just pretend things are okay. To me, those always come back to bite you in some way shape or form. I don't judge anyone who doesn't do what I do though. This is just what my standards are now, and I need someone to have the components of self awareness and self reflection in order to consider being with them. I need to know that my feelings are being considered just as theirs are by me. Everything has to be a two-way street where both parties' needs are being met. |
|
|
|
Post by annieb on Apr 9, 2020 21:15:10 GMT
He just called me and we had a good conversation. I spoke up about what bothered me and he apologized and he said he understood where I was coming from. It feels good to be acknowledged, but I don't know if my feelings will return. I feel the same way nyc718 , I need to be able to participate in the communication and resolve it then and there rather than let it fester, when it comes to my relationship. I know a lot of guys shut down and what have you, but at this point I am not willing to entertain that either. |
|
|
|
Dilemma
Apr 11, 2020 20:37:13 GMT
via mobile
Post by annieb on Apr 11, 2020 20:37:13 GMT
Didn’t hear from him for couple days, decided to break up with him. He threw a bunch of insults my way. I’m shaken up, but will probably be ok in a few days.
|
|
|
|
Dilemma
Apr 11, 2020 21:10:52 GMT
via mobile
Post by alexandra on Apr 11, 2020 21:10:52 GMT
Didn’t hear from him for couple days, decided to break up with him. He threw a bunch of insults my way. I’m shaken up, but will probably be ok in a few days. Ugh, sorry he responded in such a disrespectful way, but you did the right thing. Good on you for stating where you were at and not just fading. Don't let his jerk answer dissuade you from doing that in the future, that's on him not you plus shows your instincts were spot on. Which should add to your confidence. An actually mature partner more deserving of your time would appreciate you didn't fade and then would respond in a respectful manner as well. I don't believe that it's necessary to tell someone you don't want to continue seeing them after only a date or three. But past that, especially with a lot of conversation or even physical intimacy, it's both considerate and gives you the opportunity to practice good boundaries and communication (assuming, of course, you're not in fear of abuse or retaliation). |
|
|
|
Dilemma
Apr 11, 2020 21:21:50 GMT
via mobile
Post by annieb on Apr 11, 2020 21:21:50 GMT
Didn’t hear from him for couple days, decided to break up with him. He threw a bunch of insults my way. I’m shaken up, but will probably be ok in a few days. Ugh, sorry he responded in such a disrespectful way, but you did the right thing. Good on you for stating where you were at and not just fading. Don't let his jerk answer dissuade you from doing that in the future, that's on him not you plus shows your instincts were spot on. Which should add to your confidence. An actually mature partner more deserving of your time would appreciate you didn't fade and then would respond in a respectful manner as well. I don't believe that it's necessary to tell someone you don't want to continue seeing them after only a date or three. But past that, especially with a lot of conversation or even physical intimacy, it's both considerate and gives you the opportunity to practice good boundaries and communication (assuming, of course, you're not in fear of abuse or retaliation). Thank you! The whole week of him barely talking to me felt like a passive aggressive act and I guess in the end it was just plain aggressive. I feel good about the decision and having gone through with it as it was gnawing at me. Really hope this isn’t my distancing technique or some such thing. I guess time will tell, but for now it feels like it was the right decision. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Apr 11, 2020 21:23:54 GMT
annieb, I don't think so. He has boundary and communication issues, and you'd picked up on it. Honestly, a guy pushing for you to date him when you tried to just see him as a friend (at the beginning) is a red flag and disrespectful, not romantic.
|
|
|
|
Post by annieb on Apr 13, 2020 18:53:41 GMT
I am feeling pretty anxious now, even though I know it was the right decision. I am having a bit of a withdrawal from the relationship. I keep wanting to talk to him although I know it is all futile. I am hoping that as days go by I will forget him soon. I feel like he activated my abandonment fears all over again and he wasn't activating them before this last week, where his communication became lukewarm. Rationally I am happy I ended this, but like a junky I want one more last hit.
|
|
|
|
Post by nyc718 on Apr 13, 2020 21:58:52 GMT
I am feeling pretty anxious now, even though I know it was the right decision. I am having a bit of a withdrawal from the relationship. I keep wanting to talk to him although I know it is all futile. I am hoping that as days go by I will forget him soon. I feel like he activated my abandonment fears all over again and he wasn't activating them before this last week, where his communication became lukewarm. Rationally I am happy I ended this, but like a junky I want one more last hit. I think that's exactly what is going on: he activated your abandonment issues that are deeper, rather than really about him. You know he can't soothe you and give you what you need, but the wound is raw and open. Inner child work helped me a lot through energy work. This might help you, I hope so. www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJ6W4n4OPtII'm amending this. I think this is a better video. www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMlAwzpasf8 |
|
