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Post by nottheonion on Apr 23, 2020 13:32:40 GMT
I I am a big tim FA and my only coping mechanism has been not dating anyone.
Been seeing someone for about 2 months. I don’t know him well enough to know his attachment. Texting has slowed down a lot which is triggering my avoidant side big time; even tho when we see each other every weekend, things are still good if not better.
I’m trying not to self sabotage but I feel that as an FA we need a lot of words of affirmations along with actions to show the other person is interested. I’m not an FA who would withhold my feelings. On the contrary, I’ve been very open to my feelings and show my interests in many different ways, at least I think I have.
One of the biggest problems I have with him now is he never confessed any sort of feelings towards me. Even tho he has done nice gesture for me here and there and always keen to ask me out and spend time with me. And he has told me he’s looking for something serious. Combined with the texting slowing down, I feel like going back to my shell where not dating someone seriously might be a better option.
I guess for many FA, communication is hard. I don’t want to talk to him about this. I know I need to be brave and bold. But I don’t want to. i dont know if I’m right that he might not be that interested after all and I should end things shortly or if it’s just my attachment acting up. And I don’t know how I can know for sure.
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Post by annieb on Apr 23, 2020 14:35:32 GMT
I I am a big tim FA and my only coping mechanism has been not dating anyone. Been seeing someone for about 2 months. I don’t know him well enough to know his attachment. Texting has slowed down a lot which is triggering my avoidant side big time; even tho when we see each other every weekend, things are still good if not better. I’m trying not to self sabotage but I feel that as an FA we need a lot of words of affirmations along with actions to show the other person is interested. I’m not an FA who would withhold my feelings. On the contrary, I’ve been very open to my feelings and show my interests in many different ways, at least I think I have. One of the biggest problems I have with him now is he never confessed any sort of feelings towards me. Even tho he has done nice gesture for me here and there and always keen to ask me out and spend time with me. And he has told me he’s looking for something serious. Combined with the texting slowing down, I feel like going back to my shell where not dating someone seriously might be a better option. I guess for many FA, communication is hard. I don’t want to talk to him about this. I know I need to be brave and bold. But I don’t want to. i dont know if I’m right that he might not be that interested after all and I should end things shortly or if it’s just my attachment acting up. And I don’t know how I can know for sure. Hey, I’m in the same boat, FA, when a relationship starts I become AP. How has the texting changed? What are the patterns now? Are there phone calls? It’s a little early to tell, if this is going anywhere, but if you like to spend time with him, just focus on that. While the going is good. If you enjoy it, then do it. You don’t have to “audition” for him to tell you how he feels. He will do it on his own time just as you will. |
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Post by nottheonion on Apr 23, 2020 20:17:25 GMT
anniebI guess in my head I’ve been trying to find reasons why he might not be interested. I feel that I like him much more than he likes me and I’ve shown him that much more than he has. I feel upset whenever I think about it and ask myself don’t you want someone who likes you as much as you like him? Not knowing what he feels about me makes me imagine all sort of things and I just feel like breaking things off or at least pulling back. And I have pulled back a lot. I’ve given myself a deadline. I will reevaluate things in a month or so but the constant thought of withdrawing is very hard to deal.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 23, 2020 20:39:35 GMT
annieb I guess in my head I’ve been trying to find reasons why he might not be interested. I feel that I like him much more than he likes me and I’ve shown him that much more than he has. I feel upset whenever I think about it and ask myself don’t you want someone who likes you as much as you like him? Not knowing what he feels about me makes me imagine all sort of things and I just feel like breaking things off or at least pulling back. And I have pulled back a lot. I’ve given myself a deadline. I will reevaluate things in a month or so but the constant thought of withdrawing is very hard to deal. So interesting....as an AP....when I like someone more...I tend to want to press in more to try to win that person over...not withdraw. |
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Post by serenity on Apr 23, 2020 21:00:55 GMT
annieb I guess in my head I’ve been trying to find reasons why he might not be interested. I feel that I like him much more than he likes me and I’ve shown him that much more than he has. I feel upset whenever I think about it and ask myself don’t you want someone who likes you as much as you like him? Not knowing what he feels about me makes me imagine all sort of things and I just feel like breaking things off or at least pulling back. And I have pulled back a lot. I’ve given myself a deadline. I will reevaluate things in a month or so but the constant thought of withdrawing is very hard to deal. That sounds stressful  In my own experiences, "pull backs" so early in a relationship were usually followed by much worse to come, such as a full deactivation/discard right at the end of the honeymoon (3-4 months in). So if I encountered that behavior again I'd feel *very* wary, if not afraid. Something I feel I need these days is to really take my time with getting to know people before dating. Dating as a replacement for forming solid friendships is too blurry for me, and can lead to premature attachment. If i was in your situation, I'd cut out any physical involvement with the guy until I was sure of his intentions and feelings. |
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Post by annieb on Apr 23, 2020 22:02:35 GMT
anniebI guess in my head I’ve been trying to find reasons why he might not be interested. I feel that I like him much more than he likes me and I’ve shown him that much more than he has. I feel upset whenever I think about it and ask myself don’t you want someone who likes you as much as you like him? Not knowing what he feels about me makes me imagine all sort of things and I just feel like breaking things off or at least pulling back. And I have pulled back a lot. I’ve given myself a deadline. I will reevaluate things in a month or so but the constant thought of withdrawing is very hard to deal. Totally understandable. Well, for what it’s worth, whenever I’ve had similar doubts and I’ve asked the person, they’ve been mortified by the fact that they haven’t expressed their affection. In early stages lots of things can happen, but if a man spends time with you it is safe to assume they have some feelings for you. They maybe dealing with things that have nothing to do with you as well, so don’t worry too much about that. If your usual MO is withdrawal, maybe work toward secure and check in with him every once in a while. Whenever you have the feelings of withdrawal, it would be a good time to send something sweet to him. Other than that let this unfold organically and let the chips fall where they may. You can’t really control the other person, but you can control your feelings. So focus on you and your feelings. |
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Post by dhali on Apr 23, 2020 22:26:52 GMT
I’m an FA too, but I don’t play these games. If you’ve pulled back a lot, my mind would go to- they aren’t that into me, and I’d express that that how I’m feeling and if they want to disavow me of that notion, they can. There’s nothing wrong with not feeling the relationship, just tell me. Pius it’s only 2 months in. That’s an easy separation if it’s not there. If they affirm it, then they are on warning that my needs weren’t being met. Communicating your feelings is not a bad thing. It’s not needy to suggest that you are getting the impression that they aren’t into it, and you prefer to be with partners who make you feel as if they want to be with you. That’s table stakes anyhow.
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Post by nottheonion on Apr 23, 2020 22:36:39 GMT
anniebI guess in my head I’ve been trying to find reasons why he might not be interested. I feel that I like him much more than he likes me and I’ve shown him that much more than he has. I feel upset whenever I think about it and ask myself don’t you want someone who likes you as much as you like him? Not knowing what he feels about me makes me imagine all sort of things and I just feel like breaking things off or at least pulling back. And I have pulled back a lot. I’ve given myself a deadline. I will reevaluate things in a month or so but the constant thought of withdrawing is very hard to deal. Totally understandable. Well, for what it’s worth, whenever I’ve had similar doubts and I’ve asked the person, they’ve been mortified by the fact that they haven’t expressed their affection. In early stages lots of things can happen, but if a man spends time with you it is safe to assume they have some feelings for you. They maybe dealing with things that have nothing to do with you as well, so don’t worry too much about that. If your usual MO is withdrawal, maybe work toward secure and check in with him every once in a while. Whenever you have the feelings of withdrawal, it would be a good time to send something sweet to him. Other than that let this unfold organically and let the chips fall where they may. You can’t really control the other person, but you can control your feelings. So focus on you and your feelings. Do you think saying sweet things to them makes you feel less likely to withdraw? I’ve tried that before but since he’s not very verbally affectionate (I mean he gives me compliments all the time but never things like I miss you. Look forward to seeing you. I like you etc), when I say those sweet things to him, best he’d tell me is “awww” or joke about it. It just makes me think maybe he doesn’t have strong feelings for me, he might just be keeping me as company. I’ve never dated a guy who doesn’t say sweet things to me or make sure I know they like me. Heck! Even my dumb ex who never had a gf before me called me cute names when we first dated. |
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Post by nottheonion on Apr 23, 2020 22:40:38 GMT
I’m an FA too, but I don’t play these games. If you’ve pulled back a lot, my mind would go to- they aren’t that into me, and I’d express that that how I’m feeling and if they want to disavow me of that notion, they can. There’s nothing wrong with not feeling the relationship, just tell me. Pius it’s only 2 months in. That’s an easy separation if it’s not there. If they affirm it, then they are on warning that my needs weren’t being met. Communicating your feelings is not a bad thing. It’s not needy to suggest that you are getting the impression that they aren’t into it, and you prefer to be with partners who make you feel as if they want to be with you. That’s table stakes anyhow. Sounds like you’re a much more secure FA! How would you communicate to them that you feel they’re not into you? I’m terrified of talking. If I can avoid having the talk or talking about anything way too serious, I would avoid it forever ... |
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Post by annieb on Apr 23, 2020 23:24:09 GMT
Totally understandable. Well, for what it’s worth, whenever I’ve had similar doubts and I’ve asked the person, they’ve been mortified by the fact that they haven’t expressed their affection. In early stages lots of things can happen, but if a man spends time with you it is safe to assume they have some feelings for you. They maybe dealing with things that have nothing to do with you as well, so don’t worry too much about that. If your usual MO is withdrawal, maybe work toward secure and check in with him every once in a while. Whenever you have the feelings of withdrawal, it would be a good time to send something sweet to him. Other than that let this unfold organically and let the chips fall where they may. You can’t really control the other person, but you can control your feelings. So focus on you and your feelings. Do you think saying sweet things to them makes you feel less likely to withdraw? I’ve tried that before but since he’s not very verbally affectionate (I mean he gives me compliments all the time but never things like I miss you. Look forward to seeing you. I like you etc), when I say those sweet things to him, best he’d tell me is “awww” or joke about it. It just makes me think maybe he doesn’t have strong feelings for me, he might just be keeping me as company. I’ve never dated a guy who doesn’t say sweet things to me or make sure I know they like me. Heck! Even my dumb ex who never had a gf before me called me cute names when we first dated. No, I don’t mean that. I mean you do the opposite of what is your FA behavior. I don’t mean you can manipulate him one way or another. That’s not what I mean. I’m sorry if that wasn’t clear. The fact that he says aww or makes a joke I don’t like. That’s avoidant behavior. Just observe him and enjoy his company when you can. |
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Post by nottheonion on Apr 24, 2020 0:01:31 GMT
annieb I guess in my head I’ve been trying to find reasons why he might not be interested. I feel that I like him much more than he likes me and I’ve shown him that much more than he has. I feel upset whenever I think about it and ask myself don’t you want someone who likes you as much as you like him? Not knowing what he feels about me makes me imagine all sort of things and I just feel like breaking things off or at least pulling back. And I have pulled back a lot. I’ve given myself a deadline. I will reevaluate things in a month or so but the constant thought of withdrawing is very hard to deal. That sounds stressful In my own experiences, "pull backs" so early in a relationship were usually followed by much worse to come, such as a full deactivation/discard right at the end of the honeymoon (3-4 months in). So if I encountered that behavior again I'd feel *very* wary, if not afraid. Something I feel I need these days is to really take my time with getting to know people before dating. Dating as a replacement for forming solid friendships is too blurry for me, and can lead to premature attachment. If i was in your situation, I'd cut out any physical involvement with the guy until I was sure of his intentions and feelings. Are you speaking as someone who dated an FA or you are the FA in question? |
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Post by nottheonion on Apr 24, 2020 0:03:49 GMT
annieb would you say saying “aww” and nothing else or make a joke when I say sweet things to him and never said anything nice in return is avoidant behaviour? I find it very hard to enjoy his company while thinking it’s not right
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Post by mrob on Apr 24, 2020 0:36:43 GMT
annieb would you say saying “aww” and nothing else or make a joke when I say sweet things to him and never said anything nice in return is avoidant behaviour? I find it very hard to enjoy his company while thinking it’s not right I think that’s more about his self esteem rather than attachment style. |
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Post by dhali on Apr 24, 2020 3:39:19 GMT
I’ve communicated to women before... I’m not getting the sense that you’re feeling this. If that’s the case, we should reconsider meeting up on Sunday.
Or something to that effect.
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Post by mrob on Apr 24, 2020 3:46:35 GMT
I think very few men would do that dhali. Not only those with less than admirable intentions, but those who just couldn’t say that. |
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In my own experiences, "pull backs" so early in a relationship were usually followed by much worse to come, such as a full deactivation/discard right at the end of the honeymoon (3-4 months in). So if I encountered that behavior again I'd feel *very* wary, if not afraid.