I constantly want to withdraw: is it me or him

serenity

Woh what you described sounds like me. Did you feel that you did anything to trigger their avoidant tendency?

For me, I don’t know if it’s my insecurity and avoidant side of me acting up or if my gut feeling is true that he might not be that into me. I’ve tried sleeping on it and making sure I don’t pull back. But it’s hard. A lot of things can trigger me and I don’t know why. On top of the fact that he never verbalised any feelings towards me it makes me want to break things off constantly. But I can’t get myself to break things off either so the best I could do is pulling back.

Like for example, I don’t feel like seeing him this weekend because my strong urge to withdraw but I have no legitimate excuse to not see him so I might actually just go with it.

In my mind, I’ve been trying to find out the things he’s done which showed he’s interested in me but I felt like those weren’t enough. I understand that everyone is different but I felt that compared to my exes when we were in our honeymoon stage, this time I am like only 50% confident he’s into me whereas before it was more like 99% confident.

nottheonion I’m female, but the parts about doing nice gestures, being keen to asking you out and spending time, and complimenting you all the time without saying the more “romantic” things like I miss you, looking forward to seeing you, I like you, etc.—and all that at the two- or three-month mark, that all sounds like me to a T. I have done this even when being completely infatuated with someone and hoping for a long-term future with them.



If he is anything like me, then he is likely insecure, although it might not be attachment-related--exactly like mrob said. Some of his actions may sound avoidant, but I can relate to them and I don’t think I’m avoidantly-attached. And for me, it’s less game-playing and more on erring on the side of caution.



I myself would hate to be rejected for wanting to take things slow. If it’s not too much, may I suggest using another month to express your doubts and needs, even only as much as you are comfortable with. He may catch on.



If he doesn’t budge at all, then that may mean that he’s not paying enough attention, or that he’s too selfish to try and do anything about your doubts (which would require him to work through his own). These might not be good signs and might point to incompatibility.



However, if he tries at all, I may be biased, but I think it should earn him some credit, at least in the beginning. (Note that the insecurities I'm talking about are easier to surmount, and so I’m not bagging on those with attachment-related insecurities who have it much harder).



In the case that he is anything like me and he does really like you, then it is most likely both you and him causing each other to withdraw.

anapol

That’s interesting. Would you say you have problems expressing your feelings even when the other person told you they like you and want to be with you? Why would you feel insecure to express your feelings when the other person already showed their interests?

This is the biggest problem I have with him. Which leads me to think if I should start treating this like a casual thing instead of something serious. I know he shows his interests through actions and other gestures but I just don’t know how he feels about me. And I really need that in a relationship.

nottheonion Yes, did. The primary reasons were that I was afraid they’ll lose interest soon and/or perhaps they were just affectionate and expressive because that’s just the way they are with all the people they start dating. If it turns out I wasn’t actually that special to them, then at least I didn’t say all those affectionate things, and so I wouldn’t look like such a fool.

Then there’s the ego factor. To this day, I still have kind of an admiration for the dismissive avoidants that I see on TV, movies, etc. It’s quite embarrassing, but being insecure, I tried to emulate them in some ways.

Another thing I used to wonder was: if they did sincerely want to be with me, then why? Am I liked for being me, or is it because they are just comfortable and feel safe with me? In other words, “I am choosing them because I adore them and feel a strong chemistry. Is their reason for choosing me mutual?”. Everybody should eventually feel safe and comfortable in a relationship, but if that’s their only reason for liking me, then that would make for an uneven relationship, so it might be best to stop being interested.

I showed kind gestures, gave compliments, and spent quality time because I wanted to make them feel special and loved being in their company. Words, however, would seal the deal for me, and two months in is much too early for me to have evaluated the person's interest before doing that.

In summary, for me, it’s about being consciously wary about their motives. That said, he could be nothing like me and there is a chance that he is just not that interested, so please take my words with a grain of salt. Also, I agree with people here who suggest that you should let the relationship happen organically and just enjoy your time with him. I’m a firm believer that friendship is the foundation for any good relationship. I think these sum up my approach, but perhaps I tend to do it too slowly and passively.

Actually, I would not recommend my pace of things to anyone. I’m convinced my slowness is abnormal and wouldn’t disagree if somebody called me a coward. I’m not sure, but I think I may have ended up scaring people in my past away because I would try to compensate, or more accurately, anxiously overcompensate, later on, at which point I suddenly find myself ghosted.

However, you mentioned that you are FA. From what I experienced personally with an FA is that some FA’s tend to move quite fast in the beginning. This experience was subsequently confirmed to me through these forums and other online resources. The speed was kind of exciting and flattering to me, but it wasn’t sustainable for either of us.

I would read up more on pace. The most recent thread in the General Discussion board is about this. Thais Gibson talks about pace in many of her videos on YouTube as well. I think slowing down a bit will also give you time to see whether you are attracted to him as a person or merely due to attachment style.