azul
New Member
Posts: 8
|
Post by azul on Apr 27, 2020 13:52:02 GMT
Why would a FA or DA remain friends after a break up and even start to have video calls , something that before they were more reluctant to do ?
Is she should leading me on , keeping me "available" ?
|
|
azul
New Member
Posts: 8
|
Post by azul on Apr 29, 2020 7:14:08 GMT
Any help would be appreciated
|
|
|
|
Post by dhali on Apr 29, 2020 21:07:56 GMT
Ego most likely. For an FA, for sure it's their fear of losing you - even though they don't want you. For a DA? it's not to get back together. Also, a lot of this is somatic. It's part of their self soothing to have someone like them.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 30, 2020 3:24:05 GMT
one way to see it is that now that you've separated, there is no longer pressures of being obligated to connect with you and so it feels more autonomous and freeing to be able to contact you as they like it, not because they have to as a partner. i'm saying this from a general pov that might not specifically apply to your context.
|
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Apr 30, 2020 4:38:52 GMT
Cycling behaviour. In the push/pull cycle, this sounds like a pull, as in come closer. I don’t run with the ego thing. If the person is FA and doesn’t know about it, the motivations are subconscious.
|
|
|
|
Post by serenity on Apr 30, 2020 4:50:30 GMT
Why would a FA or DA remain friends after a break up and even start to have video calls , something that before they were more reluctant to do ? Is she should leading me on , keeping me "available" ? I think the best you can do in these situations is spin the focus back on you and what you want. Do you want to chase someone who rejects and leaves you for giving her love and intimacy, or whenever there is conflict? You could, but is that in your best interests? You have become romantically bonded to her, but do you want to be kept on the hook by someone who isn't loyal or committed to your relationship? And after reading about avoidants, do you believe you can trust her in any meaningful way, when her main agenda is creating emotional distance and avoiding committment to you? And what does friendship mean to you exactly, and is she being a real friend? Avoidants often love fading exes out whilst exploring other options. Like dhali said, they use you for a bit of ego validation, and it helps them avoid feeling the consequences of their decisions and behaviours. She will absolutely use you for this if you let her and it will hurt a lot. |
|
azul
New Member
Posts: 8
|
Post by azul on May 3, 2020 14:40:24 GMT
Why would a FA or DA remain friends after a break up and even start to have video calls , something that before they were more reluctant to do ? Is she should leading me on , keeping me "available" ? I think the best you can do in these situations is spin the focus back on you and what you want. Do you want to chase someone who rejects and leaves you for giving her love and intimacy, or whenever there is conflict? You could, but is that in your best interests? You have become romantically bonded to her, but do you want to be kept on the hook by someone who isn't loyal or committed to your relationship? And after reading about avoidants, do you believe you can trust her in any meaningful way, when her main agenda is creating emotional distance and avoiding committment to you? And what does friendship mean to you exactly, and is she being a real friend? Avoidants often love fading exes out whilst exploring other options. Like dhali said, they use you for a bit of ego validation, and it helps them avoid feeling the consequences of their decisions and behaviours. She will absolutely use you for this if you let her and it will hurt a lot. I know if I go down this route I will probably regret it as I'm not sure if she really understands her problem and wants to solve it. Maybe she just wants to have me there , like a comforter until she can go out , live a normal life and meet someone else. |
|
|
|
Post by Helsbells on May 3, 2020 15:26:10 GMT
I think the best you can do in these situations is spin the focus back on you and what you want. Do you want to chase someone who rejects and leaves you for giving her love and intimacy, or whenever there is conflict? You could, but is that in your best interests? You have become romantically bonded to her, but do you want to be kept on the hook by someone who isn't loyal or committed to your relationship? And after reading about avoidants, do you believe you can trust her in any meaningful way, when her main agenda is creating emotional distance and avoiding committment to you? And what does friendship mean to you exactly, and is she being a real friend? Avoidants often love fading exes out whilst exploring other options. Like dhali said, they use you for a bit of ego validation, and it helps them avoid feeling the consequences of their decisions and behaviours. She will absolutely use you for this if you let her and it will hurt a lot. I know if I go down this route I will probably regret it as I'm not sure if she really understands her problem and wants to solve it. Maybe she just wants to have me there , like a comforter until she can go out , live a normal life and meet someone else. I think what serenity said is what I believe mine was using me for. After he would leave me, and I would try to move on with my life he would go into overdrive with his texting. Yet everytime I took him back it wasnt long before the distancing began again and he was chatting on line to other women for a potential relationship. And this is from a guy who reckons he loved me. I could do everything perfect in his eyes until I wasnt happy about a certain behaviour he was doing then puff he was gone citing how we weren't compatible any more. I would literally be the best thing since slice bread, then puff he was gone. The reason I believe it is so easy for avoidants to leave and then want to come back is because they are never truly in anyway. I dont say this to be mean, but unless they are aware and getting help to change they are doing this subconsciously. The push/pull relationship is a painful one all round and know gets out of them scarred free. |
|
|
|
Post by mrob on May 4, 2020 2:22:32 GMT
You do know you have a part in this too. The push pull dynamic doesn’t come of itself. It takes two. You don’t have to take his calls, nor participate in his life. It’s possible for you to step out of the behaviour, but that involves change. Not his change but your change.
|
|
|
|
Post by serenity on May 4, 2020 23:04:32 GMT
Azul is the man, and the DA ex is a woman in this case  Just thought I'd add that when you're in a romantic relationship where there is little or no consistency & security, there's no healthy way to eliminate the activation anxiety you're experiencing , because its pavolvian based, not attachment style based. If you stay too long you can go numb, dissociate, develop stockholm syndrome or turn to alcohol or drugs. But none of that is healthy. The relationship based on intermittent reinforcement itself is causing the anxious desperate feelings, not your "attachment style issues". If you wish to stay in the relationship, the only way for it to work is if the Avoidant partner commits to consistent behaviour. Its good advice to just leave the relationship. But of course most people in love will look for compromise and solutions before walking away. Its not a bad thing, you've just got to know when a situation is causing too much anxiety and harm, and therefore not worth pursuing. |
|
