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Post by jaleesa on Sept 5, 2017 9:13:20 GMT
Hi all, I have a question. I've been thinking about this for a while. When I met my DA ex we made all of these plans. We wanted to go travelling, see the world, explore. I thought I'd found my soulmate because we had so many common interests and it looked like we wanted the same things overall in life. The first year we were together we did a lot of fun things. After that, he started to make excuses. He would often use work and money as an excuse and he made time for everyone else but me. This went from bad to worse. After years of throwing me breadcrumbs once in awhile, I couldn't handle it anymore. I gave up, stopped initiating plans and tried to take control over my own life, which resulted in living completely separate lives under the same roof. He was the complete opposite of the adventurous and spontaneous guy I once fell in love with. It was devastating to realize that I just watched life go by for years, waiting for him to initiate plans, which ofcourse never happened. I now know DAs do this to avoid intimacy, which is actually really sad because I also know they crave intimacy. But I can't help but feel like everything was a lie. Like I don't even know the guy and he's just copying the interests and dreams of the woman he's with at that moment. This makes me wonder: Do they genuinely want to do all of these things at the moment they say it? Do they ever regret all the things they didn't do, or is it all a lie so they can string you along to get what they want? Thank you  |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2017 12:20:23 GMT
He told me we are both adventurous and curious about the world, we cross rivers and scale mountains, and promised that we will see more of the world together. So I did go along thinking there might be a future, until the communication came in drips and drops.
I believe him, and one of the reasons why it is so difficult to let go is that I find it hard to believe he is future-faking. Either he is a very fine actor, or he really did wish for a future together, but somehow he cannot bring himself to get closer.
Would love to hear from other DAs if they future fake.
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Post by jaleesa on Sept 5, 2017 13:24:52 GMT
Thank you for your response Curious!
I really hope you're right and that it wasn't all a lie.
We've been on a long weekend trip once and it was great, until he started to flirt with other women. He even approached other women while he was standing next to me, calling them "sexy" and "gorgeous". We ended up fighting and I went back to our hotel on my own. This was so painful that I can't think of anything else when I think about this trip. To me it felt like he didn't want to be there at all and he just couldn't understand why I was so hurt.
This was the first and last time we've been on a trip together in 6 years. Complete mindf*ck. I was so happy we finally went away together and then this happened. After this I stopped trying. Didn't make sense to me at all.
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Betty
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Post by Betty on Sept 5, 2017 14:27:46 GMT
@jeleesa, it wouldn't make sense to you, because we cannot comprehend why someone would even be in a relationship and yet act that way. My FA was never really flirty with other girls, but he used things like work and joined men's groups to avoid intimacey with me. When I asked him why he couldn't talk to me, he turned it around on me, and said because of my anxiety (which was bad, mostly because I felt ignored and unheard) he had to find intimacey in safer ways, men's groups etc.
It sounds like any kind of accountibility is lost on avoidants. That's why it's so hard. They will make you feel worse so that the empahasis is taken off of them. They don't have to look in the mirror.
Yesterday I offered support to my FA. He blocked me from communication. It's devestating. But best thing we can do is love ourselfs and work on us. It's hard to get your mind around, I know.
Maybe he did want all those things? My FA is very adventurous. When we first met we wanted to travel everywhere together. But I also think that's maybe something that they do to avoid as well. If they are always moving, it's hard to settle down and really commit. I could be wrong. Just a thought
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Post by howpredictable on Sept 5, 2017 16:07:59 GMT
I will give you my experience, since I have DA tendencies and I hope it helps.
Early in relationships, I think it's easy for DAs and FAs to make wonderful-sounding plans, and paint a rosy picture of the future. Make lots of promises, lots of plans. Because there's only budding intimacy and there's no anxiety percolating in the background.
But intimacy = Anxiety. Once it's triggered, DAs and FAs feel only the need to escape. They don't even remember some of the plans that were made, much less worry about fulfilling promises. The pervasive thought, is to manage the anxiety and the way to do that, is to get away. Once the anxiety is triggered, the farther away from the person they go, the better they feel. If they can do it subtly, without being deliberately hurtful -- e.g. just be "drifting off" a little bit -- then fine. But if the other person persists in pushing for time together or intimacy, or asking questions about "what's wrong? you seem distant", then they might have to pull out the bigger guns -- e.g. flirting with someone else right in front of you. The (inevitable) reaction -- your sense of hurt, followed by an argument -- will give them the space they are desperately trying to get by less drastic means.
I'm not saying this is the right way to be in a relationship, but it's just how FAs and DAs think. They don't really mean to be hurtful, but that is often the inadvertent outcome. Because the anxiety gets overwhelming. Spoken as someone who knows.
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Betty
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Post by Betty on Sept 5, 2017 17:01:54 GMT
I will give you my experience, since I have DA tendencies and I hope it helps. Early in relationships, I think it's easy for DAs and FAs to make wonderful-sounding plans, and paint a rosy picture of the future. Make lots of promises, lots of plans. Because there's only budding intimacy and there's no anxiety percolating in the background. But intimacy = Anxiety. Once it's triggered, DAs and FAs feel only the need to escape. They don't even remember some of the plans that were made, much less worry about fulfilling promises. The pervasive thought, is to manage the anxiety and the way to do that, is to get away. Once the anxiety is triggered, the farther away from the person they go, the better they feel. If they can do it subtly, without being deliberately hurtful -- e.g. just be "drifting off" a little bit -- then fine. But if the other person persists in pushing for time together or intimacy, or asking questions about "what's wrong? you seem distant", then they might have to pull out the bigger guns -- e.g. flirting with someone else right in front of you. The (inevitable) reaction -- your sense of hurt, followed by an argument -- will give them the space they are desperately trying to get by less drastic means. I'm not saying this is the right way to be in a relationship, but it's just how FAs and DAs think. They don't really mean to be hurtful, but that is often the inadvertent outcome. Because the anxiety gets overwhelming. Spoken as someone who knows. Thanks howpredictable for the Insight. That makes so much sense with the anxiety. I really feel that is something that will keep happening, the closer people get with Each other. You want To be there for that person, to understand why better. But it is very painful in he other side, because it's not really the partners fault. They just love and want to be closer. It's sad how it just can't work unless there is a lot of inner work done and open lines of communication. |
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Post by jaleesa on Sept 5, 2017 17:40:54 GMT
Howpredictable, Thank you so much for your answer! I understand. Perhaps a trip or holiday = "no way out". No friends or family around, no alone time, no familiar places to go to, no work to use as an excuse. Could this be true? Actually breaks my heart when I think about this right now. When I was having fun, he was probably scared as hell, so I try to not take it personally. But he did hurt me. I barely have good memories anymore because he used to sabotage everything. At one point I thought he hated me. Really hated me. And I didn't know what I did wrong or what I could have done differently. This explains a lot. But, like Betty also says, why stay in a relationship if being with someone provokes so much anxiety? What are the reasons you would want to be in a relationship if, at one point, you don't have the intention to spend time with someone? I can't wrap my head around this. I hope you can give me some clarity. Thank you! Betty - thank you for your reaction! I'm sorry you're going through this. Must be devastating he blocked you  It is really hard. All you want to do is offer some help, your intentions are really good but most don't want help unfortunately. Wish you all the best xoxo |
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raco
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Post by raco on Sept 5, 2017 19:49:06 GMT
What are the reasons you would want to be in a relationship if, at one point, you don't have the intention to spend time with someone? They don't know that the problem lies in them. They tend to think that everything will be fine when they find the right partner. So they try to find this perfect partner that doesn't exist, they date, they enter a relationship, things go wrong, and they start over. Here is a testimonial of an avoidant that explains this: Why Do Emotionally Unavailable People Date? |
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Post by jaleesa on Sept 5, 2017 20:34:39 GMT
What are the reasons you would want to be in a relationship if, at one point, you don't have the intention to spend time with someone? They don't know that the problem lies in them. They tend to think that everything will be fine when they find the right partner. So they try to find this perfect partner that doesn't exist, they date, they enter a relationship, things go wrong, and they start over. Here is a testimonial of an avoidant that explains this: Why Do Emotionally Unavailable People Date?Aha! Okay I understand this, thank you! However, we've been together for 6 years and this push-pull dynamic already started after 1 year, so nearly 5 years of our relationship consisted of drama, fights and tears. It was very painful for the both of us. So why would he stick around if he already decided after 1 year (I guess) that I wasn't perfect? It was his first long-term relationship though. I'm sorry for all the questions! Still trying to understand haha. |
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Post by cricket on Sept 5, 2017 21:05:04 GMT
This is a very interesting thread! I live the participating Ad's inputs on this. It's very helpful.
Jaleesa- maybe in your case the year mark was more about intimacy that made him act like that and not really thinking he knows you are not "the one".he know after the year mark something more should be happening, like wanting to get married or stuff like that which of course triggers him or makes him feel like a bad guy for feeling so anxious about it.i was w a commitment phobe for 6 yrs and now trying to get over a DA that was a lil over a year of mind games.
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Post by jaleesa on Sept 5, 2017 23:11:14 GMT
This is a very interesting thread! I live the participating Ad's inputs on this. It's very helpful. Jaleesa- maybe in your case the year mark was more about intimacy that made him act like that and not really thinking he knows you are not "the one".he know after the year mark something more should be happening, like wanting to get married or stuff like that which of course triggers him or makes him feel like a bad guy for feeling so anxious about it.i was w a commitment phobe for 6 yrs and now trying to get over a DA that was a lil over a year of mind games. Thank you for your reaction Cricket! Maybe you're right. I actually hope you're right haha. He started devaluing me after 2 years or so, making sneaky comments about my "insecure" friends, my "weird" family, what I ate, what I wore, etc. Wasn't always easy but somehow I managed to deal with it. The last year we were together he took it to the extreme though. He treated me with little to no respect, like I was a piece of trash. This is why I actually thought he was a (covert) narcissist at first and why I still don't understand why he chose to stay and future fake if he was that unhappy. For example: A month before he left me he talked about going on vacation together, while in hindsight it's very clear he already wanted to leave me, given the fact that he treated me with utter disrespect. He also had an affair for the last 6 months. Is this common behavior for DAs? |
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Post by cricket on Sept 6, 2017 0:31:39 GMT
This is a very interesting thread! I live the participating Ad's inputs on this. It's very helpful. Thank you for your reaction Cricket! Maybe you're right. I actually hope you're right haha. He started devaluing me after 2 years or so, making sneaky comments about my "insecure" friends, my "weird" family, what I ate, what I wore, etc. Wasn't always easy but somehow I managed to deal with it. The last year we were together he took it to the extreme though. He treated me with little to no respect, like I was a piece of trash. This is why I actually thought he was a (covert) narcissist at first and why I still don't understand why he chose to stay and future fake if he was that unhappy. For example: A month before he left me he talked about going on vacation together, while in hindsight it's very clear he already wanted to leave me, given the fact that he treated me with utter disrespect. He also had an affair for the last 6 months. Is this common behavior for DAs? Hi..i think the most common thing for a DA is how anxious, uncomfortable and suffocated they feel by relationships. How they express it will vary by person. I never spent enough time w my DA to know if he would be like that but in his other relationship he says he was the one who was used. He has always been nice in person w me and rude thru text. The commitment phobe I lived w always had one foot out the door but he never resorted to that kind of treatment. I'm so happy you got out of that relationship. It sounds like it was very hard for you. You are a strong person. You don't ever have to put up with being belittled. I think they project how they feel about themselves so the crappier he treated you is just showing how crappy be feels about himself. We all project. |
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Post by howpredictable on Sept 6, 2017 1:06:17 GMT
But, like Betty also says, why stay in a relationship if being with someone provokes so much anxiety? What are the reasons you would want to be in a relationship if, at one point, you don't have the intention to spend time with someone? I can't wrap my head around this. I hope you can give me some clarity. This will likely be hard to wrap your head around, indeed. But there is never an "intention" NOT to spend time with someone. DAs and FAs want relationships. They just don't have the capacity, usually due to childhood trauma that came from neglectful, indifferent, or abusive parenting.
By using the word "intention' you seem to be presuming that there is conscious thought applied to the situation. There isn't. DAs and FAs don't go into relationships knowing that they will be looking for an escape hatch soon enough. Quite to the contrary.... with each new relationship they hope that their historic problems will disappear.
Ever have anxiety, Jaleesa? I hope not. But if you have, you will know that your thinking processes go out the window. I had anxiety last weekend, when I spent more than 4 hours in a row with a new guy I'm dating. I had to make up an excuse to take a little break from him in the middle of the date. And before him, I suffered an afternoon of rather serious anxiety because a very ardent guy asked me out to lunch and brought me flowers. He told me how ready he was for a relationship and how he'd been looking for "someone like me" for a long time. That made me feel so claustrophobic that I couldn't even answer his well-intentioned text greetings for a few days.
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raco
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Post by raco on Sept 6, 2017 1:17:51 GMT
So why would he stick around if he already decided after 1 year (I guess) that I wasn't perfect? As cricket said, avoidants are not all the same. Their relationships tend to be short-lived, but some of them stick to their partner for decades. They don't like commitment, but some of them get married. They often compartmentalize their life and keep a separation between their family and you, but sometimes they introduce you to their family right away. Etc. The personality of your ex and the circumstances of your relationship made him able, and maybe willing, to stay with you for a long time. |
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Post by cricket on Sept 6, 2017 3:09:48 GMT
But, like Betty also says, why stay in a relationship if being with someone provokes so much anxiety? What are the reasons you would want to be in a relationship if, at one point, you don't have the intention to spend time with someone? I can't wrap my head around this. I hope you can give me some clarity. This will likely be hard to wrap your head around, indeed. But there is never an "intention" NOT to spend time with someone. DAs and FAs want relationships. They just don't have the capacity, usually due to childhood trauma that came from neglectful, indifferent, or abusive parenting.
By using the word "intention' you seem to be presuming that there is conscious thought applied to the situation. There isn't. DAs and FAs don't go into relationships knowing that they will be looking for an escape hatch soon enough. Quite to the contrary.... with each new relationship they hope that their historic problems will disappear.
Ever have anxiety, Jaleesa? I hope not. But if you have, you will know that your thinking processes go out the window. I had anxiety last weekend, when I spent more than 4 hours in a row with a new guy I'm dating. I had to make up an excuse to take a little break from him in the middle of the date. And before him, I suffered an afternoon of rather serious anxiety because a very ardent guy asked me out to lunch and brought me flowers. He told me how ready he was for a relationship and how he'd been looking for "someone like me" for a long time. That made me feel so claustrophobic that I couldn't even answer his well-intentioned text greetings for a few days.
Reading this I can see how each time my DA came back he did seem like he was recharged w new hope and would make future plans w a twinkle in his eye. I think he really believed it but there is never any follow thru. I guess it's not really future faking it was future dreaming or hoping. I'm sorry you got anxiety be I g on your date. I am pretty introverted and cannot be around new people for too long. I always set up 1 to 2 hour dates. Do u feel suffocated cuz u think it's going to turn into a relationship or what exactly makes u feel the anxiety? |
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It is really hard. All you want to do is offer some help, your intentions are really good but most don't want help unfortunately. Wish you all the best xoxo