F/A D/A marriage push pull confusion etc help please

Thank you I have a granddaughter too who fights her sleep like crazy lol ❤️❤️❤️
I am new here and excited to learn and grow.

What I really dont want is a man to make a bit if very short lived effort for intimacy just because I might have triggered them temporarily anxious then to revert back to there being know intimacy and no effort towards any.
I have to accept that in order for me to feel peace and calm and safe in any future relationships I have to move away from the avoidant type.

I know its a total push pull because the last time we had sex was when I had really started focusing on myself more. It attracted him to me.... Idk if it was anxious because I wasn't begging anymore or of it was because he felt less pressure or both. It gave me hope but it didn't last. It's been almost 6 months again....

somebodyiknow, welcome to the board. I'm sorry you're in a complicated and frankly bad, yet common, situation. It sounds like you and your husband are playing out the typical anxious/avoidant dance that comes with longer-term FA/DA dynamics.

I notice in your post that you're kind of trying to assign blame, and sometimes you're blaming him but then asking if that's fair, plus you've listed reasons you've contributed to this. In these situations, the blame is equally on both partners, even though they're just playing out the predictable insecure attachment style patterns. It can be true that you jumped in too quickly, you hadn't healed your past issues yet both from childhood and the breakdown of your previous relationship, you didn't always communicate your needs properly and even pushed him away when you engaged in protest behavior and perhaps not fighting "fairly" (saying and doing personally hurtful things when trying to do conflict resolution). But it's also true that he avoids intimacy, stonewalls, also doesn't communicate his needs (which he likely is disconnected from and simply can't understand and communicate), withholds sex (typical of an avoidant partner to avoid intimacy, both DA and avoidant triggered FA may commonly do this), and hasn't been open to getting vulnerable and honest enough to fix things.

Sometimes I suggest, when people are struggling with framing "blame," to look at the relationship in thirds. A third of the problem is you and your personal issues feel before you met him: basically, addressing your FA style and not project "you" problems related to your fears of abandonment and engulfment that truly don't have to do with him. This may mean really thinking through how you communicate, whether you're connected to your needs and understand them, how you feel about yourself, if you desire others to emotionally regulate you especially when you're feeling triggered, if you have good boundaries. Those are all examples of you issues that you may feel no matter what romantic partner you have because it's your personal side of things and ways in which you may feel triggered no matter how someone acts towards you. Then a third are his issues to deal with, basically the same family of problems I just listed but the dismissive avoidant version of them. His attachment trauma and triggers are his to deal with and take responsibility for. Then the last third is actually the compatibility of the relationship: do you trigger each other with reason, such as his stonewalling IS treating you with disrespect and it's completely reasonable that you feel bad and like your healthy needs aren't being met in response, because they're not. This isn't projection on your part that's really tied to a past issue, this is a direct issue with him and your dynamic that is an incompatibility. Then, in this space you can also put neutral and non-attachment dealbreakers, like differences in lifestyle goals, divergent values, true incompatibilities and dealbreakers that aren't anyone's "fault."

What you're describing, that you feel you're outgrowing him, may be accurate. The way attachment dynamics tend to play out over time between pairings (ie FA/DA, AP/FA, DA/secure, whatever) are patterned and predictable within their pairing categories. The details change but the overall way it plays out eventually is always the same. The times the patterns shift is when someone is shifting attachment style. You're aware and doing self-work and getting more secure than you were.

He's not.

But that is your decision, right? He didn't influence you to start working on this stuff, your unhappiness over time sounds like it was motivating you to seek healing and change. And that's the problem, this is a very individual choice and process, and you can't make someone else want to do it. You can just give them some starting information, and if they are interested in also starting the painful but fantastic road of self-development, they'll tell or show you that. But it's on their own timing, which may be never.

I think your therapist is right, that you don't want him to feel blind-sided and that you haven't directly or honestly communicated your full needs and feelings to him yet. I understand why you haven't been able to. You two both need to improve your communication and conflict resolution abilities (things all insecure styles struggle with), and you're still stuck in this holding pattern of triggering each other and not resolving anything when you try to bring it up or when you two fight. If you're committed to yourself to get more secure, then practicing vulnerability and honest and direct communication with him, and eventually with everyone, is really important, no matter how he responds.

His response isn't really personal and about you. It's through his own DA lens and lack of tools and getting triggered and his nervous system shutting down because he has attachment trauma, just like you have been handicapped by your FA and are working through it. You can't do anything about that except hold good boundaries, depersonalize his negative coping responses, be direct and open with him, let him have time to think and process and respond how he may when any triggering subsides, and fully accept his response even if you don't like it. Then choose what you want to do next. Which is why I agree with what your therapist suggested.

If he's not ready to heal and get more secure and you are, you are likely going to hit a wall where you outgrow him. It's sad and will be worth mourning, but it's a distinct possibility, although good for you if you're also growing yourself on your personal journey. It's important that you see him for who he really is, though, not see his potential, not see him vilified as you focus on his negatives, just be neutral and authentic and curious without projecting anything.

Good luck, no matter what happens next, you both have some hard and painful work ahead of you to untangle this. I hope, best case scenario, that he realizes he also wants to work through his own attachment wounding and you can have constructive and open conversations with each other.

Sad reality. I think it's become more apparent. I don't have a lot of hope based on the past but I'm trying to atleast be more clear with what I need and see if that works.

Edited to add that I'm very sorry for your loss.

Regarding being accused of "controlling the narrative",  I really feel for you and the issues you face there.  The way I see it personally, when DA's are in a triggered state (usually triggered by closeness or conflict), their  narrative is often a false and overly negative one, or at best highly skewed. And its not just DA's who do this... anyone with PTSD who is triggered will be prone to seeing things in an unbalanced or paranoid way . They need guidance to actively work on recognizing that its happening, and holding onto a balanced view of loved ones who trigger them (what psychologists refer to as "object constancy"). The problems DA's and their partners face is that the closeness and conflict that triggers DA's is a by-product of normal relationships, so the frequency of triggering is far more intense and can lead to very unfulfilling relationships.

I guess I agree with your therapist too, that the best you can do is to keep trying to be heard and voicing your needs in simple terms. But I wanted to add that it helps if you try your best to have these conversations outside the times when your DA is severely triggered. The untriggered version of him is likely to be more reasonable.