|
|
Post by alexandra on May 25, 2020 7:50:13 GMT
so if someone is only looking to fulfill an addiction to "longing" why would they become hooked? Surely if that was the addiction, they'd be repelled by the security presented in the honeymoon period? It's not fulfilling an addiction to longing. That's not what I meant. That was an example of how it can end up manifesting. But in general, emotionally, I'm framing it as a response to getting involved with anything at a level that goes past moderation and then staying there because it's a coping crutch for another underlying issue within yourself. Also, most insecurely attached people are repelled by true security presented. There's post after post after post even here on this forum with people discussing finding more secure types and situations as "boring." |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on May 25, 2020 18:22:06 GMT
So....I am doing way better. I missed an SSRI pill and then had to cut my dose for a few days until my new prescription arrived. Now that I am back to a healthy level...I really have not thought about B much all. Other people may be able to have good self regulation without medication....I do not. One thing that the medicine has helped me with is to not take things personally. I think the anxious side of my attachment wants to put meaning on everything...and meaning in context to me...which is why it was impossible to think of B in a new relationship without it having some direct statement about me. He chose her, he did not choose me=there is something wrong with me and I missed out. I could not separate the two into...he chose her and he and I were not compatible....I can now find someone who is. As far as addiction goes....I am a huge fan of dr. Gabor mate and his perspective on addiction as a result of trauma. www.thefix.com/dr-gabor-mate-trauma-underlying-stigma-addiction-interview |
|
|
|
Post by iz42 on May 25, 2020 18:51:13 GMT
So glad you are feeling better tnr9! That is amazing news. It's fantastic that you found a medication that works for you so well.
And thanks Alexandra. I found your explanation to be very helpful.
I guess I was just trying to think about the addiction treatment model would work here. I assume SLAA uses an abstinence or sobriety model with these behaviors... but if you are FA or AP and it's thoughts or longing you're addicted to, it's not like drinking where you can choose not to drink. It's also different from other behavioral addictions where can be abstinent from gambling or porn use. I can imagine abstinence working well in cases where you're trying to avoid contact with someone, but I'm not sure about how you could become abstinent from your own thoughts. That's where I feel like trauma or SE therapy might be more useful.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on May 25, 2020 19:11:27 GMT
I can imagine abstinence working well in cases where you're trying to avoid contact with someone, but I'm not sure about how you could become abstinent from your own thoughts. That's where I feel like trauma or SE therapy might be more useful. Yeah, I agree, you need both -- removing yourself from interaction with the unhealthy object of your affection [the ex] coupled with actually working on processing trauma once the chemical bonds withdrawal passes. Otherwise, if you only do the no contact part, you eventually keep repeating and looping because the underlying issue hasn't changed, even if it's with someone new. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on May 25, 2020 20:16:01 GMT
I can imagine abstinence working well in cases where you're trying to avoid contact with someone, but I'm not sure about how you could become abstinent from your own thoughts. That's where I feel like trauma or SE therapy might be more useful. Yeah, I agree, you need both -- removing yourself from interaction with the unhealthy object of your affection [the ex] coupled with actually working on processing trauma once the chemical bonds withdrawal passes. Otherwise, if you only do the no contact part, you eventually keep repeating and looping because the underlying issue hasn't changed, even if it's with someone new. Yep...still working on me. |
|
|
|
Post by mrob on May 25, 2020 22:17:35 GMT
. I assume SLAA uses an abstinence or sobriety model with these behaviors... but if you are FA or AP and it's thoughts or longing you're addicted to, it's not like drinking where you can choose not to drink. It's also different from other behavioral addictions where can be abstinent from gambling or porn use. I can imagine abstinence working well in cases where you're trying to avoid contact with someone, but I'm not sure about how you could become abstinent from your own thoughts. That's where I feel like trauma or SE therapy might be more useful. Addiction is about lack of power, and the great lie is that there is choice. That an addict can just “choose” to not act out, not drink, not use, etc. 12 step programmes are for people who are desperate for life change, people who are at the end of their power. They don’t work unless someone is ready for a Power greater than themselves. |
|
|
|
Post by Dualcitizen on May 25, 2020 22:22:52 GMT
. I assume SLAA uses an abstinence or sobriety model with these behaviors... but if you are FA or AP and it's thoughts or longing you're addicted to, it's not like drinking where you can choose not to drink. It's also different from other behavioral addictions where can be abstinent from gambling or porn use. I can imagine abstinence working well in cases where you're trying to avoid contact with someone, but I'm not sure about how you could become abstinent from your own thoughts. That's where I feel like trauma or SE therapy might be more useful. Addiction is about lack of power, and the great lie is that there is choice. That an addict can just “choose” to not act out, not drink, not use, etc. 12 step programmes are for people who are desperate for life change, people who are at the end of their power. They don’t work unless someone is ready for a Power greater than themselves. Pain of staying the same must outweigh the pain of change? |
|
|
|
Post by mrob on May 25, 2020 22:52:51 GMT
Yes. But even more critically, the defeat of not being able to effect that change by one’s own devices. That’s why people bounce in, out and around. Surrender at depth isn’t something that comes naturally. Only with inner defeat.
|
|
|
|
Post by mixedsyles on May 26, 2020 11:48:58 GMT
so if someone is only looking to fulfill an addiction to "longing" why would they become hooked? Surely if that was the addiction, they'd be repelled by the security presented in the honeymoon period? It's not fulfilling an addiction to longing. That's not what I meant. That was an example of how it can end up manifesting. But in general, emotionally, I'm framing it as a response to getting involved with anything at a level that goes past moderation and then staying there because it's a coping crutch for another underlying issue within yourself. Also, most insecurely attached people are repelled by true security presented. There's post after post after post even here on this forum with people discussing finding more secure types and situations as "boring." I just wrote a thread about it! I’m seeing a guy who is probably secure and I am not repelled by this security at all. Maybe I am not that insecure! |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on May 26, 2020 12:57:28 GMT
It's not fulfilling an addiction to longing. That's not what I meant. That was an example of how it can end up manifesting. But in general, emotionally, I'm framing it as a response to getting involved with anything at a level that goes past moderation and then staying there because it's a coping crutch for another underlying issue within yourself. Also, most insecurely attached people are repelled by true security presented. There's post after post after post even here on this forum with people discussing finding more secure types and situations as "boring." I just wrote a thread about it! I’m seeing a guy who is probably secure and I am not repelled by this security at all. Maybe I am not that insecure! Just read your post...it has been 2 months in your current relationship so technically you are both still learning about each other and are in a honeymoon phase. Great that he is open and that he is not triggering you so far.  |
|
|
|
Post by mixedsyles on May 26, 2020 13:21:09 GMT
I just wrote a thread about it! I’m seeing a guy who is probably secure and I am not repelled by this security at all. Maybe I am not that insecure! Just read your post...it has been 2 months in your current relationship so technically you are both still learning about each other and are in a honeymoon phase. Great that he is open and that he is not triggering you so far. It’s pretty early but knowing what I know about attachment theory now, I think I know how to recognize if someone is more avoidant, anxious or secure. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on May 26, 2020 13:30:26 GMT
Just read your post...it has been 2 months in your current relationship so technically you are both still learning about each other and are in a honeymoon phase. Great that he is open and that he is not triggering you so far. It’s pretty early but knowing what I know about attachment theory now, I think I know how to recognize if someone is more avoidant, anxious or secure. Hopefully you are right. |
|
|
|
Post by annieb on May 26, 2020 14:02:33 GMT
If we all were to seek addiction treatment for attachment disorders, what would that look like? Would it replace therapy or occur in conjunction with it? I know about SLAA but maybe this is something I should look into more seriously. I didn't mean to be defensive before, I'm honestly trying to understand. I’m not even sure, but maybe a more comprehensive program similar to what addicts have, a rehab of sorts. I’m currently treated by an addiction treatment specialist psychiatrist (I’ve never been addicted to a substance, but my addiction isn’t any less painful is how I like to put it), and my diagnosis is ADHD and depression, and my meds are all dopamine centered. My therapist is a regular talk therapist without specialty, but very experienced. I’ve been to CoDA meetings years ago and I remember those helped. Obviously it’s hard to not have any relationships, so we can’t go cold turkey. But that’s what makes it more sinister. |
|
|
|
Post by annieb on May 26, 2020 14:18:08 GMT
To break it down very unscientifically, I have two states of mind, one is where I lose my center and it kind if floats alway from me and that is a miserable sorry state of addiction. This is usually triggered by my “qualifier” to a certain degree. And I also have the calm centered state, where nothing can bother me and I’m happy and self loving. And the darnest thing is I have absolutely no idea how to snap out of the non-centered state. I’ve had some success with catching an anxious loop of thoughts and immediately and correcting that. But this state I’m describing isn’t that, this is kind of a state of emptiness. It’s not as bad as it used to be, because now I’m aware of it, and I used to be in denial, but I still can’t get out of the non-centered state. If anyone can relate to this, maybe you have some pointers:)
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on May 26, 2020 14:21:22 GMT
If we all were to seek addiction treatment for attachment disorders, what would that look like? Would it replace therapy or occur in conjunction with it? I know about SLAA but maybe this is something I should look into more seriously. I didn't mean to be defensive before, I'm honestly trying to understand. I’m not even sure, but maybe a more comprehensive program similar to what addicts have, a rehab of sorts. I’m currently treated by an addiction treatment specialist psychiatrist (I’ve never been addicted to a substance, but my addiction isn’t any less painful is how I like to put it), and my diagnosis is ADHD and depression, and my meds are all dopamine centered. My therapist is a regular talk therapist without specialty, but very experienced. I’ve been to CoDA meetings years ago and I remember those helped. Obviously it’s hard to not have any relationships, so we can’t go cold turkey. But that’s what makes it more sinister. I do wonder often about a brain chemical imbalance and it’s impact to an already insecurely attached individual. Had I not received treatment from a very astute doctor...where would I be? |
|
