Post by trustnoone on May 25, 2020 20:18:48 GMT
So I’m in my mid 20’s now and have so much trouble with intimacy. I’ve never been in a relationship and have never had sex. Although I’ve had two isolated occasions where I tried to be sexually intimate with guys but could never force myself to have sex. I have a notorious history of running away from intimacy. Any time in the past a guy has tried hitting on me or even the few instances where a relationship could have been on the cards, I completely halt it. And run away.
I grew up with a lot of physical abuse and somewhat neglect from very early childhood until I was about 16-17. I have quite a lot of trauma in my childhood that most of it draws complete memory blanks. I’m not sure if I experienced sexual abuse because of my memory blanks but I do have some memories of isolated “covert” sexual-related traumas.
I also was a loner as a child in school a lot, and was picked on throughout school into my teen years. I noticed that maybe due to my school and home environments both being so hostile, the only place of refuge became my imagination and my inner world of fantasy...
As a child, I became a compulsive liar, I’d often lie about romantic relationships, guys being interested in me, I’d lie about my family life, etc. I guess I done it to project this fantasy of what I wished my life could have been, so that maybe if others believed it, it would have felt just that little bit real. Which, was extremely unhealthy but I realise how the problem of lying developed. Low self esteem.
As an adult, like I said, Never been in a relationship, but I did form a long distance online friendship - that became kind of romantic in the end when he confessed feelings for me, thats when I knew I had to cut it off and felt immense guilt for knowing I had been leading him on the entire time and projecting a false personality. I feel I essentially “catfished” this person, although I did use my own photos, but I lied about pretty much everything else. Clearly, I was comfortable with the distance, I wanted a sense of intimacy and a bond with someone, I wanted to be wanted... But I was comfortable with just the friendship... I was already feeling so much guilt for leading him on as a friend but once he developed feelings I knew the kindest thing I could bring myself to do was, not be honest as I’m a coward, but to just let him go so he can find a true, healthy relationship.
I was really hurt because I developed feelings for him, in the sense of a strong bond. But this is where I’m not sure if im dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant.... I really yearn for a sense of intimacy and I guess love... but not romantic love. Platonic love! I really want an honest bond with someone in my life, but I’m very fearful and repulsed by sexuality and even things like hand holding, kissing, touching.... sometimes I do retreat from expressing emotions too... So, emotional intimacy is difficult too for me. I can very much openly talk about how I feel, but I could not show my emotions and express them. It’s like I can put them out there in an analytical or objective context but I couldnt scream, cry, look upset or anything with someone. I’m extremely good at containing my emotions. A stranger could punch me in the street and I’d probably be the one to apologise. Haha.
I’m so hypervigilant and timid of other people. I really can never be TRULY close to someone. And I guess this has made me feel so lonely in my life. Romantic interests tend to repulse me because I see their motivations as physical... they want something from me! Physical intimacy is something I tend to associate with being used. Whereas honest and sincere friendship to me, seems like the highest form of love and the only thing I could ever have?
Clearly, I’m asexual and maybe aromantic? But I still desire a strong and special bond with a partner?
What the heck is wrong with me? And how do I fix this? I guess I’m fearful avoidant but... I’m really not sure if this is something I can actually change. If I have been programmed to be this way pretty much my ENTIRE life.... how could I be anything different ever?
Maybe some people are just destined to live lonely lives...
I grew up with a lot of physical abuse and somewhat neglect from very early childhood until I was about 16-17. I have quite a lot of trauma in my childhood that most of it draws complete memory blanks. I’m not sure if I experienced sexual abuse because of my memory blanks but I do have some memories of isolated “covert” sexual-related traumas.
I also was a loner as a child in school a lot, and was picked on throughout school into my teen years. I noticed that maybe due to my school and home environments both being so hostile, the only place of refuge became my imagination and my inner world of fantasy...
As a child, I became a compulsive liar, I’d often lie about romantic relationships, guys being interested in me, I’d lie about my family life, etc. I guess I done it to project this fantasy of what I wished my life could have been, so that maybe if others believed it, it would have felt just that little bit real. Which, was extremely unhealthy but I realise how the problem of lying developed. Low self esteem.
As an adult, like I said, Never been in a relationship, but I did form a long distance online friendship - that became kind of romantic in the end when he confessed feelings for me, thats when I knew I had to cut it off and felt immense guilt for knowing I had been leading him on the entire time and projecting a false personality. I feel I essentially “catfished” this person, although I did use my own photos, but I lied about pretty much everything else. Clearly, I was comfortable with the distance, I wanted a sense of intimacy and a bond with someone, I wanted to be wanted... But I was comfortable with just the friendship... I was already feeling so much guilt for leading him on as a friend but once he developed feelings I knew the kindest thing I could bring myself to do was, not be honest as I’m a coward, but to just let him go so he can find a true, healthy relationship.
I was really hurt because I developed feelings for him, in the sense of a strong bond. But this is where I’m not sure if im dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant.... I really yearn for a sense of intimacy and I guess love... but not romantic love. Platonic love! I really want an honest bond with someone in my life, but I’m very fearful and repulsed by sexuality and even things like hand holding, kissing, touching.... sometimes I do retreat from expressing emotions too... So, emotional intimacy is difficult too for me. I can very much openly talk about how I feel, but I could not show my emotions and express them. It’s like I can put them out there in an analytical or objective context but I couldnt scream, cry, look upset or anything with someone. I’m extremely good at containing my emotions. A stranger could punch me in the street and I’d probably be the one to apologise. Haha.
I’m so hypervigilant and timid of other people. I really can never be TRULY close to someone. And I guess this has made me feel so lonely in my life. Romantic interests tend to repulse me because I see their motivations as physical... they want something from me! Physical intimacy is something I tend to associate with being used. Whereas honest and sincere friendship to me, seems like the highest form of love and the only thing I could ever have?
Clearly, I’m asexual and maybe aromantic? But I still desire a strong and special bond with a partner?
What the heck is wrong with me? And how do I fix this? I guess I’m fearful avoidant but... I’m really not sure if this is something I can actually change. If I have been programmed to be this way pretty much my ENTIRE life.... how could I be anything different ever?
Maybe some people are just destined to live lonely lives...
