Post by tnr9 on May 31, 2020 21:03:00 GMT
Today I decided to listen to the song I had “hoped” would be my wedding song with B...yep, I had one. When I first heard “yours” by Russell Dickerson, it immediately fit into the storyline I had put all my hope in. In it is all the themes I sooo wanted to ascribe to B....not seen, not loved....until he met me. I wanted to believe that I would get his best self....and that I had an impact that made his life better. It is hard to revisit this song knowing it was all a fantasy I built in my head....that B had absolutely no plans to marry me, that I was not the woman who “rescued” him and that I was never going to get his “best self”. Perhaps even worse is the embarrassment of owning the fact that I allowed that fantasy to linger so long...even after he broke up with me and even after the truth was known...I was still clinging to some hope that his view of me would change.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=jg4-eBR3_eA
It was good to revisit this as I needed the chance to still love me even though things did not work out. I needed to understand the desperation I felt to try to fit me as a round peg into his square hole and vice versa....trying to make a glass slipper fit on a foot that was not the right size. I know I am doing better and I am glad for it...but sometimes reality is very ouchy.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=jg4-eBR3_eA
It was good to revisit this as I needed the chance to still love me even though things did not work out. I needed to understand the desperation I felt to try to fit me as a round peg into his square hole and vice versa....trying to make a glass slipper fit on a foot that was not the right size. I know I am doing better and I am glad for it...but sometimes reality is very ouchy.